I am going to try to keep this is as simple as possible, even though the whole thing is so complex.
I am an open gay male in my mid 30s, and have known my manager, who is in his mid 50s, for five years. We have always had a good friendship at work, always got along very well, and were definitely each other’s favorites in the workplace. Anytime either of us needed to vent to each other, we would always go to one another for whatever issue. On top of that, we truly just get along.
Within the last two years, our friendship has taken a turn to something deeper. I don’t drive, and on nights that we would close together, he would always offer me rides home. Something in the back of my head said that it was probably not a good idea, and for the longest time, I would turn the offers down. Finally, after weeks of him offering, I finally said yes, and have been taking these rides home now for almost two years. At first, it would just be him dropping me off, but as time went on, we would sit and just chat in front of my house. Nothing sexual ever occurred, but in those moments, it always feels as if it is something that people who are more than friends just do.
As it goes, when you develop feelings for someone, jealousy arises. When I began to admit to myself that there were some sort of feelings, I found myself becoming jealous when I would see him talking and laughing with other employees. As a rational person, I am very well aware that it is all nonsense, and the jealousy is something that is my issue due to my feelings, and people are allowed to be friends with whoever.. but, when you have feelings for someone, that is unfortunately what happens. Because of my jealousy issues, I’d act out in certain ways, causing us to argue, literally like a married couple.. but for some reason he still tolerates me, even when I act my worst.
Around last year, he has started a new diet.. and eats super healthy foods. A lot of times he will say to me “we’re eating healthy tonight”, and he will also cook me whatever he has made for himself, and we will sit and have dinner together during the shift. I know that friends do these things for friends, so it could be just that.. but in the back of my head, it is definitely something way more than that.
I now am at the point where I literally crave the rides home from him… because I love that little time we have with each other alone.. it feels intimate, it makes me a happier person when I end my night.. and it just gives me that feeling you get when you “love” someone. And I know he cherishes these moments too, because he is always telling me how upset he is when I don’t close on nights with him. I know that the feelings go both ways, my intuition tells me so, and he says it without saying it.
BUT, the mitigating factors are all what get in my way. He is my straight, married, boss.. with a beautiful family and two kids who are not even teenagers yet. Everything in this situation is so wrong, and it is all coming to crash in my head. I am someone who hates living a lie.. I hate being dishonest to people that I care about, but because of the mitigating factors, he has no clue how I feel (I mean I am sure he does, but I have never admitted it). It is unfortunately getting to the point where it is making me feel all types of ways in my head, and I am scared I am going to ruin our friendship by acting real stupid one day over emotions and feelings that I cannot control.. I also feel as if I tell him, it will ruin the friendship as well. Either way I feel it is going to be ruined.. and I don’t know what to do.. Ughhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
Comments
Please stop accepting rides from him. Do not say anything to him ever. Make excuses & get a ride from someone else or take the bus or train home.
Tell him it’s not him if he asks why you don’t want a ride with him anymore. Maybe accept occasionally if you think that you can deal with the situation ok.
Even if by some chance, he wants something more, don’t do it.
Try to find someone else. Maybe what you need is a romantic partner who can treat you the same way. Maybe your feelings for him will change then.
Perhaps you are just lonely. You might loose his friendship forever and jeopardize your job too if you act on your desires.
Try talking to a therapist for advice.
You have a crush. You need to keep those emotions out of your work environment. Part of his appeal may be the fact that you cannot have him. All I can suggest for your peace of mind is to find a new job.
Don’t dip your pen in company ink. Period.
Move on
Can you leave and get another job somewhere else? This sounds like an absolute disaster waiting to happen. Plus he is probably holding you back from finding love elsewhere.
Remove yourself from the situation if you can.
You don’t control your feelings but you do control what you do with those feelings.
You’re playing with fire. Get another job.
You’re crushed out on an unavailable person, which is fine if you can handle it and it stays fun for you. This does not sound fun for you. You’ll need to figure out a way to move on, emotionally, and if you can’t do that, physically by getting a different job.
Start dating or something, do what you need to do to move on. Some of my best friends are straight people I used to have crushes when I was younger, but I always kept light, for me and for them. If you can put this in its proper place in your head, you guys could be great friends for a long time.
Intimacy is not sex. It happens when we show our true selves and the other person shows care and builds trust.
You are great friends- something humans need and crave.
The jealousy is just insecurity because you found a treasure of a human.
You don’t have to let go, you just need to refrane.
Try imagining him as a busty, boisterous woman and see if that helps break the building desire.
Also, building more friendships will take the heat off too.
Remember two things:
You are only seeing facets of who he is that he chooses to share with people at work. He could be an abusive asshole in romantic relationships, have political views you strongly oppose, have religious views that you can’t stand. You don’t love him. You don’t even have a crush on him. You don’t know the real him. You have caught feelings for his public veneer.
Just because you have emotions doesn’t mean you have to engage in behaviors.
Enjoy the butterflies. It’s fun to experience new love. But don’t lose perspective.
Buy a car. Ride a bike or a motorcycle. Find another way.
Why do we always want what we can’t have ?
Human nature I suppose.
I do feel that he can sense your attachment. I think he enjoys the attention. It is flattering when someone crushes on you.
With him being married and probably not gay, it’s a bit shameful to lead you on in my opinion. In a passive way, I feel that this is what he is doing.
Think you should set some boundaries for your own emotional well being.
Find another job and find someone who is single and gay.
“I know that friends do these things for friends, so it could be just that.. but in the back of my head, it is definitely something way more than that.”
” I know that the feelings go both ways, my intuition tells me so, and he says it without saying it.”
Dear r/askoldpeopleadvice, I never thought this would happen to me….
Do yourself and his family a favor and get another job. Block him in everything and get a lot of support from your village. Any amount of joy you get from pursuing this further will be outweighed by the pain you will be responsible for subjecting his family to.
Yes, you–he would be responsible for cheating, but men can’t cheat if no one is available to them.