Abusive parent, need some love and kindness

Reddit family,

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible with only the most relevant details.

I’m a graphic designer (25F), and I earn good enough to pay my share of the rent and utilities every month. My father passed away three years ago and truth be told- he was my favourite parent. He was calm, kind, and supportive.

I’ve grown up in a household seeing my parents scream their lungs out at each other almost every second day. As an adult, I’ve grown up to be anxious and quiet. I used to be chirpy and talkative, but that somehow changed.

I always saw my mother as someone who loved screaming at me and my dad. As a child, I watched my dad walk out of his room after a fight with my mom and go sit in the dark in the living room by himself. He wouldn’t talk back, he would just leave the room and sit in a corner.

Fast forward to now, after a fight with my mother, I find myself doing the exact same thing. I walk out with tears and sit on my bathroom floor thinking “why does this happen to me, why am I going through this?”

A little about me- I’m in a stable relationship, a strong career, no bad habits, I don’t party, I have less than 5 friends. Out of these friends, I meet up with one group once in 2-3 weeks to chill. I stay home 90% of the time.

Also, she prefers me sleeping next to her while I prefer staying in my room. I like the space. I’m an only child and I’ve grown up to like being alone. On nights when I refuse to sleep next to her, she says things like “You won’t take care of me when I’m old, I’ll have to search for an old age home. Thank God I’m not surviving on your money right now, you would probably kick me out” – just because I wanted to sleep in my room alone.

I’ve also been slut shamed by her on several occasions- the earliest of them being when I was in school. I was merely 16 years old, always a straight-A student, and I’d asked her if I could have pizza that night for the second time in a row. I remember her being drunk and calling me a whore. Doesn’t make sense right? I know.

She drinks every second day, I on the other hand don’t really like to drink. She becomes a different person after a few drinks of whiskey which is something I hate and despise. I try not to be in the same room.

She also had borderline crazy tendencies. After a fight, she would start humming to herself. She would come to my room to throw all the things I’ve gifted her at my bed and say “I don’t need these.”
I usually don’t respond at all, I act indifferent.

What am I doing that’s triggering her? Am I not allowed to have a life as a 25 year old adult? How does she manage to make me feel guilty on several occasions when I’m extremely disciplined, responsible, and mature for my age? Do I deserve this? What’s the way out? How does she manage to gaslight me in a way that I start thinking I’m the one at fault?

Tonight, when my friends called me and asked me if I could meet them, my eyes lit up. “I finally got invited somewhere!”- I thought to myself. “I wouldn’t have to doom-scroll tonight until I sleep”. I could feel my body getting a surge of happy energy. I walked and hopped into my mother’s room to give her the news, only to come out of the room a moment later feeling like a crushed sheet of paper.

I’ve heard things recently like “You’re classless, you’re cheap, if I’m ever on a ventilator when I’m old- you’ll probably pull the plug”

Anyway, I signed three new clients this week- all for major illustration projects and I can’t share it with my mother because she doesn’t really show any kindness. Also, I’m kind of hesitant to tell her how much I earn in reality because it could lead to her borrowing money from me for her business which is something I’m not comfortable with.

Even though I support her business with all my heart, she ends up in a situation sometimes where she needs to borrow money to keep the business going, and I’m trying to get my savings up and invest.

The most uncomfortable part- I have a credit card that she uses throughout the month for company expenses and you would think that the owner of a 10 year old business would not need to borrow money from her child but she does. Then she conveniently forgets about the due date and the bank starts calling me for the delayed payment.

I just want to be happy this week and feel proud of myself for signing such amazing clients and getting regular work. I somehow miss the words “I’m proud of you” since I haven’t heard them in at least 10 years.

I’m sorry for the long text.