I’m 18 and I feel like my life has hit a dead end.

I (18F) went through a lot growing up. When I was about 12, I got involved with some really harmful people online. They manipulated me emotionally and mentally, and it seriously affected the way I thought about myself and others. I can’t remember everything, but I do know I became heavily attached to inappropriate online interactions and convinced myself that it was okay—when it absolutely wasn’t.

Around age 16, I started trying to get away from that situation. I slipped up a few times, but I’ve now been free from those harmful influences for about 1–2 years. It feels surreal, like a whole lifetime has passed since then.

When I was 16, I created a Discord group to connect with friends. It started off fun, but over time, a lot of drama happened. Many people left. Some of that drama was caused by me—I was in a toxic headspace and didn’t know how to handle things in a healthy way. Eventually, the server turned into a really negative environment and slowly fell apart.

During that time, I started dating someone from the group. Unfortunately, that relationship became emotionally manipulative, and she used parts of my past—things I rarely share—to hurt me even more. After that ended, I felt really alone again.

I started using VRChat to try to get over my anxiety and learn how to socialize again. I spent a lot of time in there—almost 500 hours—and eventually found a Pride event happening near me in real life. I decided to go. I just wanted to meet people and feel connected.

And I did! I met some really lovely people—everyone had their own quirks and flaws, sure—but they were good people who taught me a lot. I thought I was doing better, but in reality, I was just pushing my problems down and pretending I was okay.

I ended up rushing into another relationship, this time in person. It started off well, but eventually things went south. I don’t remember all the details, but somewhere along the way, I became toxic in that relationship. There was dishonesty, miscommunication, and manipulation from both sides. Things got really messy.

After that relationship ended, my mental health started declining fast. I was already struggling, but things just started piling up.

I don’t have a diploma or trade school education. I’m physically disabled, and I don’t have a clear path to financial independence. I’m currently living with my parents, who are unfortunately very toxic and make my situation harder.

I don’t really have close friends anymore. I’ve noticed that I bring drama with me wherever I go, even when I don’t mean to. Therapy and medication haven’t helped much, and I often feel stuck—like I’m not making progress.

I only see my therapist once a month, and by the time each session comes around, so much has changed that I feel like I’m constantly starting over. I never feel like I can take a real step forward, because everything keeps shifting beneath me.

I’ve tried to figure out where to go from here, but right now I feel really lost. I don’t know what direction to take next.

Chatgpt helped me write this, but what i wanna add at the end that i told gpt to not add is that I’m battling self unalive thoughts, I don’t wanna do that i wanna keep going, i wanna be happy… Yet everything is just pointing that it’s not gonna get better, I’m never gonna escape my perpetual, cycle of manipulation being manipulative or being manipulated, I’m never gonna escape being toxic, i want the best for everyone but…. The only thing i know and understand is the things I’m doing yet after a few weeks have passed and my mind “refreshes” i realize how toxic and fucked my behavior is… But that’s the only thing i know, my parents were never there for me and the only one’s who were, were toxic groomers…

Also i probably should at least mention I’m trans MTF but it has nothing to do with anything so shrug