I’m 38 (F), have a stable job, and my spouse and I earn a relatively decent income with relative flexible schedules. We are both well educated and responsible working professionals—no drug or drinking. We’re hands-on parents to our 3.5-year-old and were quietly considering a second child.
My mom (61) who visited us guessed and immediately shamed me for thinking about a second, saying I didn’t deserve another and would be depriving my first. She told friends and relatives that we were trying for a second child we couldn’t handle and shared personal details that she wasn’t supposed to know.
I became pregnant shortly after she left but didn’t tell anyone for three months because of her. She became so controlling over my reproductive choices that I had to cut off contact with her because it was too stressful. Then I lost my pregnancy during the second trimester due to medical reasons. Because she had spread so much, people started guessing because I looked “fat”, and I felt forced to disclose what happened—while still grieving.
I’m left with shame and anger, even though I know I did nothing wrong. I am having a hard time moving on.
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Well she sounds like the actual worst. So sorry for your loss. You do you and do what you want, it’s your life, not hers. And it’s good for kids to have siblings!
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m also sorry your mom sucks. My mom would’ve loved more grand babies. I wish you the best with whatever you want to do with your life. Mom can stfu
Is your mom a sociopath? First I ever hear of anyone being like this. Then her friends shamed you as well? Holy moly why is it always the worst ppl who have the most supporters??? 😩 My condolences. Please stay being 100% no contact.
In your shoes, I would tell your mother things that would get me banned from this sub.
The basic gist: Mind your own GD business.
So sorry for your loss and your toxic mother.
None of that is any of your mother’s business. If you aren’t relying on her for childcare, or financial support, it’s absolutely none of her business.
And, I do full time child care for one of my grandkids, if he wanted another child, it would still be none of my business. I may or may not be in a position to do full time child care again, but it would still be none of my business.
So sorry for your loss.
Also, you don’t have to talk to her. At all. Nor do you have to allow her in your home. Giving birth to you is not a reason to treat you this way. I would go NC.
If someone is not supportive of you or happy for you, never share good things happening in your life with them. One can be constructively concerned and still be happy for you, your mom doesn’t seem to do either.
Projecting probably
She sounds awful. I’m sorry OP!! I hope you consider stopping talking to her. You deserve way more.
Go no contact with your mother. Your mental health will thank you for it and so will your children.
Your mother is an asshole. Tell her if she continues to have that attitude she won’t be seeing either one of her grandkids.
Do not accept criticism from someone you would not ask for advice. I know that can be hard, especially as she was spreading lies about you.
But there is a time for grief and a time for strength. We can’t always have the grace to grieve our losses. You have to be strong because your mother is an attention seeker who wants to paint you in a bad light.
Fighting fire with fire would be leaning into the miscarriage and telling anyone who will listen how your mother badgered you and the stress caused you to loose your pregnancy.
I’m not necessarily advocating for that action, but it would serve her right.
I am sorry for your loss. I’m sorry that you aren’t being given the time and the grace to grieve.
I do hope that you can go on to have a healthy pregnancy if that is what you want.
And I also hope that you will put firm boundaries up so that your mother and the rumor mill doesn’t continue to cause you stress during such a vulnerable time.
For your sanity, go no contact for a few months. Don’t bother telling her as she’ll play the victim. Just stop all communication.
Just because you have half her DNA, does not mean you have to consider her more than an egg donor.
Being part of your, your husband’s and your child’s life is a privilege, not a right.
You are allowed to choose your own family. You are allowed to choose who you want in your life. You have absolutely zero obligation to have her in your life.
Don’t involve her then.
Your mother is awful I’m sorry you have to deal with her behavior on top of the miscarriage. Go LC or, my preference, NC. It doesn’t sound like she adds anything positive to your life. Hugs from a granny.
I am so sorry for your loss-no words that I have will help but I am sorry.
For your ongoing physical and mental health, no contact with your mother would be your best bet.
Please be kind to yourself-you did nothing wrong -we don’t choose our parents – more’s the pity.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. How absolutely awful.
When we told my mom that we were adopting, she flatly changed the subject. When I brought it up again, she picked up that I said kids instead of kid and asked me to explain. I told her we were adopting two boys. She stared through me and said, “are you sure you can handle that?” Shortly thereafter, she decided it was her idea and told everyone she knew either too personal of details, or stuff she made up in her head. So there’s that. Not sure which was worse.
We are EXTREMELY low contact. I highly recommend it.
Keep your mother out of your life completely and permanently. Block her on everything.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Unless you have serious problems in your marriage, I hope you make the decision to try again for another. Why shouldn’t you have another child?
You’re an adult. What your mother thinks is irrelevant. Ignore her and do what you want.
Wow what a sociopath
I hope you can go no contact if that’s what’s best for you
My heart hurts for you. Not only have you experienced this terrible loss, but your mother poured salt in your wounds.
It’s time to cut her out of your life. Maybe not forever, that’s up to you, but she does not deserve a relationship with you or your child.
In my very unprofessional opinion, your mother has serious mental issues. Like some kind of personality disorder. That means you’ll likely never be able to reason with her or get her to empathize with you.
You need distance.
I am so sorry for your loss. Please know you are not alone. This happened to my sister-in-law. Her mother shamed her intensely for wanting a third child. She had the child and it didn’t stop. This was part of a much bigger pattern of how her mother treated her, including shaming her about all her life choices to family and friends.
You do not have to interact with your mother after how she has treated you. It’s very possible that she will treat you poorly in other ways, regardless of whether or not you choose to have another child. She is looking for opportunities to be mean to you–don’t give her an inch.
There is no reason to keep your mother in your life.
You could be a happy person if you never had to deal with her brand of crazy-pants
I’m not kidding. This is worthy of going no contact.
Don’t let her do to your family what she’s done to you.
Block your mom!
FFS, she doesn’t get to control if you have a child or not.
So sorry for your loss and the added weight of dealing with your horrid mother while grieving. You need to go NC with your mother for your own mental health. If you decide at a later date to resume contact, please set up solid boundaries for her. Strictly enforce them because she WILL test you.
Again, so sorry for your loss.
She doesn’t get a say. You’re building this part of your life yourself.
Why is a 38!year old woman caring what anyone says about the choices she makes as she lives her life in a decent way???
You are aware no contact is an option? No good seems to be coming out of keeping this woman in your life.
OP, I’m so sorry for your loss.
Your mother is projecting her own regrets on you. Ignore them, and put her on an information diet. She spoiled your happiness, and she doesn’t deserve access to you, or your child.
And please be gentle with yourself. You deserve to heal and need time/space to do that properly.
I’m so sorry. I cut off my mother – best decision of my life. When your nurturer is your torturer, it gets weird.
Stay away from your mother.
How does she know personal details that “she’s not supposed to know”?
Find the leak and cut them and your mother out of your lives.
Oh, you need to cut your mother out of your life. Why do you still have anything to do with her?
Your mom is a c. The only treatment for that is no contact.
When you are mentally and emotionally ready, try for another. Studies show that it’s good when kids are close in age when growing up. I understand how you’re feeling being left with shame and anger despite knowing you did nothing wrong is a difficult place to be. It’s hard when someone, especially a parent, tries to control your choices and makes you feel unworthy. It’s completely normal to struggle with moving on. Give yourself the grace to grieve and heal in your own time. You’ve made the right choices for your family, and you don’t need to carry their negativity with you.
I’m so sorry OP. I wonder if she is envious in some way.
Have you seen the sub raisedbynarcissists?
You should “deprive” your first of the toxic grandmother.
Go LC or even NC with your mother. Put her on an information diet. She doesn’t need to know. Her judgment/approval are neither desired nor required. Do what YOU choose to do and ignore her.
I would go very low contact with this person. I wouldn’t let her come for a visit and I would t go visit her. She does not want the best for you.
That’s weird. You do whatever you like, siblings are great for kids. Sounds like you should cut her out of your life