We’ve been dating for over 2.5 years. She always falls asleep when we watch TV or relax on the couch. Initially, this was adorable as someone was willing to trust me enough to consistently fall asleep on me. I was patient and gently woke her up and put her to bed. After a year, I became impatient because I knew her well enough to be able to tell she was getting comfortable and about to sleep. So, I pause what we’re watching and ask if she wants to go to bed. She always says she wants to stay on my lap. At first, I found this heartwarming and finished the remaining chores in the house, even though I didn’t appreciate she didn’t want to do it before falling asleep. And when i woke her back up to move to the bedroom she always wakes up confused and agitated. This makes me uncomfortable, and I’ve never liked waking anyone up. I also started feeling a bit parental which is not the kind of relationship i want to have.
Last night she was falling asleep on the couch again and i needed to go shower. I asked her if she wants to stay up or go to bed because I am going to shower. She said she will stay up until i am back. When i returned from the shower i found her sleeping and all of her homework left out on the table (she needs to pack up so she can leave to work tomorrow). We had a major fight because i woke her up but in an openly annoyed and agitated way and told her to start “acting like an adult and sleep on the bed”. We havent spoken since and she is very mad at me. I am not sure how to handle this situation and wondering if i have to comfort her to bed for the rest of my life.
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We’ve been dating for over 2.5 years. She always falls asleep when we watch TV or relax on the couch. Initially, this was adorable as someone was willing to trust me enough to consistently fall asleep on me. I was patient and gently woke her up and put her to bed. After a year, I became impatient because I knew her well enough to be able to tell she was getting comfortable and about to sleep. So, I pause what we’re watching and ask if she wants to go to bed. She always says she wants to stay on my lap. At first, I found this heartwarming and finished the remaining chores in the house, even though I didn’t appreciate she didn’t want to do it before falling asleep. And when i woke her back up to move to the bedroom she always wakes up confused and agitated. This makes me uncomfortable, and I’ve never liked waking anyone up. I also started feeling a bit parental which is not the kind of relationship i want to have.
Last night she was falling asleep on the couch again and i needed to go shower. I asked her if she wants to stay up or go to bed because I am going to shower. She said she will stay up until i am back. When i returned from the shower i found her sleeping and all of her homework left out on the table (she needs to pack up so she can leave to work tomorrow). We had a major fight because i woke her up but in an openly annoyed and agitated way and told her to start “acting like an adult and sleep on the bed”. We havent spoken since and she is very mad at me. I am not sure how to handle this situation and wondering if i have to comfort her to bed for the rest of my life.
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> 1) woke up my girlfriend aggressively because she slept on the couch even though many people do sleep on the couch. 2) because i am not patient enough as a partner to wake her up gently and take her to bed and complete all the chores for the next day
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
ESH
YTAYou seem to be taking this personally for some reason. I get that waking her up when she’s grumpy is annoying, but the solution to that is to just leave her alone. Like you said, she’s an adult. She can choose when and where she wants to sleep and she can accept the consequences (poor sleep, cricked neck, sore back, whatever). You don’t need to be responsible for putting her to bed.Have you tried talking to her about this in a time when she’s not about to fall asleep or has already fallen asleep on the couch? Saying something when you just woke her up and she’s grumpy is the worst time.
Edit: changed to ESH.
ETA – ESH. You were rude. She shouldn’t have the expectation that you’re going to wake her up every time she falls asleep on the couch, especially when she’s not pleasant to deal with when you have to wake her.
IN.FO – have you mentioned to her before that you’re not enjoying this happening over and over? Because this
> i woke her up but in an openly annoyed and agitated way and told her to start “acting like an adult and sleep on the bed”
is very rude, especially if you’ve never had a conversation about this before.
YTA she works hard and she is tired. What’s your problem? Why do you have such an issue with this. You’re making something super minor into a big issue.
YTA. You never tell her what your problem is. You expect her to read your mind.
You are not her keeper. After reading your response I will say she is in charge of herself and getting herself to bed. A real conversation is needed. She may still think it’s cute as you once did. Time to grow up
ESH. I loved falling asleep on the couch with the TV running and my mom watching it as a child. It was just sooooo comforting, a million times better than falling asleep in my bed. I think your girlfriend is similar to me. But it was super annoying to get moved and have to sleep in my bed. Can’t you just let her sleep? Sometimes as an adult, when I have done it when visiting my parents, they have just let me sleep on the couch. Then I wake up at 2 am, everyone gone, and its not cosy at all. Then I think I’ve stopped doing it all together.
Bro why don’t you just let her sleep on the couch but not on you? Just make it clear that she can fall asleep on the couch but you won’t be her pillow or wake her up to move her. You’re getting so worked up over something that’s fixable. But maybe your attitude and anger isn’t
This reminds me so much of something I went through in my first long-term relationship! It started out feeling sweet (being needed/being that safe place) but after a while it started to wear me down too. You’re not wrong for getting frustrated. Try a calm convo (when emotions have cooled down) about how it makes you feel and wanting some shared responsibility/emotional maturity.
I feel like I’d understand your side if this was getting in the way of things she said she’d do, sex life, or watching a show yall both enjoy together.. other than that idk why you’re so upset
She’s clearly tired
YTA My boyfriend falls asleep on the couch often. What I do is going to sleep in the bed and when he wakes up he comes to bed with me. You are not obligated to wake her up
I have the same issue, though not too often. we talked and they just wants to keep sleeping on the couch.
I am afraid they will get a stiff neck, but it’s their risk after all.
it also reminds me of a time when I lived with my father, and he often fell asleep on the couch.
it took me some effort to accept this, but now I just let them sleep, and they just come to bed after a while with less bad mood.
YTA.
As someone that struggles to sleep, I can only fall asleep under very specific conditions. Certain fans need to be on, particular room temp, certain pillows, a specific background noise, etc.
My boyfriend loves the tv on. It pisses me off. I hate the light. I can’t sleep to the noise of the tv.
So he falls asleep to the tv. I have to wait up until he’s asleep first, then I have to wake him to get the remote. He begrudgingly gives it to me so I can turn it off. It infuriates me when I’m really really tired.
But guess what? We’re adults. If I’m super tired and I just cant do the whole charade, I communicate that to him a kind way. He will respectfully offer to either leave the room so I can sleep or he’ll turn the tv off. Do I oblige him most nights? Sure. But when I can’t, we just calmly communicate.
But you have to have respectful, kind conversations. Sleep may be difficult for her and winding down on the couch works best. But if it’s not something you can do every night, you just need to let her know “hey I can’t stay up on the couch with you tonight, I’m sorry.” You are entitled to make your own decision and you are not required to be her pillow or her personal alarm clock. If she chooses to sleep in the couch, leave her there. But you do have to be respectful. So waking her up pissed at her and then berating her for not being an “adult” 100% makes you an AH.
Where is the “sleep in the bed correlation to maturity” peer reviewed study? Because you just made that shit up. It’s not a real thing. It’s just your made up opinion that you’re using to be nasty to her.
You went from “it’s cute” to being awful to her with 0 communication. If anyone needs to grow up, it’s you, sir.
My spouse also falls asleep regularly on the couch. Now I just leave him there. As you said she is an adult and she’ll have to deal with any consequences to her behavior. She is capable of making the decision to pass out on the couch. More room in the bed for you and less of a hassle to your peace of mind.
I would maybe have a conversation with her when you’re both awake, and don’t tell her to “act like an adult.” It sounds very parental.
I like to fall asleep on the couch on weekends. Sometimes my husband will leave me and sometimes he’ll wake me to move to the bed. I don’t EXPECT him to move me. If I fall asleep on the couch and wake up there at 3 am, it’s on me. Sometimes it’s easier to wake people before they hit the REM cycle. Once they are in too deep, that’s when the “wakes up confused” kicks in.
Also, maybe ya’ll need to start watching your nighly tv IN the bed so she can just sleep without either of ya’ll worrying.
Sounds like yalls way of living doesn’t correlate well. Since it happens so often I’d probs just leave them on the couch since that’s where they chose to sleep and when they’re ready they can move to the bedroom.
You are an asshole.
If you’re uncomfortable waking her up, leave her there and when she wakes up she can come to bed on her own.
Or, if it’s that big of a deal, tell her let’s go to bed together when you see her nodding off.
But since this is Reddit, I’ll suggest a third option. Break up with her and find a woman that can stay up.
YTA – my wife passes out on the couch all the time… it’s sort of a joke in our house. That girl can pass out anywhere! She just wired differently.
Just leave her on the sofa. she is an adult.
What’s the issue of she sleeps on the couch? You can go to bed, she didn’t ask you to wake her.
YTA and you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill.
I fall asleep easier on the couch. I’m warm, usually snuggled up, with my mind occupied by the TV until I drop off. I wish I would stay comfortable enough on there to sleep all night.
In bed I lie awake addled by my thoughts for hours.
Just don’t wake her up. Let her wake up naturally and come to bed when she’s ready.
ESH – just stop waking her up. If she falls asleep, continue watching your show, go for your shower, whatever you want to do with your evening. Then go to bed. She’ll either wake up in the middle of the night and come to bed, or she’ll wake up in the morning. Either way, that’s on her. If she doesn’t want to spend the night on the couch, she’ll need to learn not to fall asleep on it.
You both seem unreasonably aggravated about this.
ESH cause this is such an easy fix. Put a TV in your bedroom or if you’re in a studio apartment/something alike put one someplace accessible and easy visible so she can go to sleep in the bed, and can even put her head on your lap. Relationships are about problem solving, sounds like both of you would rather be mad with each other instead of trying to FIX the problem.
Although I agree with a lot of people that what you said was rude, I would also be annoyed if this was constantly going on so I do see where you’re coming from.
YTA
Why do you have to put her to bed?
NTA I’ve been in this exact same situation and it’s annoying and stressful. Always having someone fall asleep on you removes any romantic or quality time aspects from the relationship.
NTA. You tried subtle and she didn’t get the hint. Personally, I’d calmly tell her the next time you see her that you need to talk about this if you guys are going to work as a couple.
Tell her, “I’m sorry that I woke you up so harshly yesterday. But I feel like we’ve had an ongoing issue that isn’t getting resolved. I need to be crystal clear with you, I am not going to carry you to bed when you fall asleep on the couch. I am also done waking you up to convince you to come to bed. From now on, you can fall asleep on the couch if you want, because you are an adult, but I will not be cleaning up the things you leave out and I will not be waking you. You’re never in a good mood when I wake you and at this point, it’s affecting our relationship. If you’re looking for a partner to treat you like a little kid, we might just be looking for different things. I love you, and hope we can work through this, but I’m reaching my limit with this.”
NTA – just seems like this is a relationship that isn’t strong enough to last. If you’re annoyed now about something that was always happening then you will find yourself annoyed more so in the future and about other things.
Does she snore?
I was waiting for the end of this to reveal that you were talking about your cat.
ESH…stop acting like teenager and grow up. Both of you. But it seems like she was mad because you woke her up very rough. Noone would be happy about that! Looks like someone has to have a serious talk.
NTA and I’ve read some of your replies. You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t with her. I’d constantly feel like I was being set up to fail by her standards if I was in your situation. You’ve literally tried and she is unwilling to compromise.
YTA imo…. My spouse has narcolepsy and does that a lot. Get that checked out before you act like a dick. Being tired can be debilitating. Even if she doesn’t have narcolepsy, the brain can wire itself to fall asleep under specific circumstances. You should be more worried about her and give her the benefit of the doubt; she’s your partner, not an enemy. Don’t always assume she’s trying to do shit to spite you or make you work harder or whatever.
My boyfriend has been dealing with this for 8 years with me. He gets frustrated, sure. But it’s also frustrating missing so much time, not being able to get things done or visit because she falls asleep so easily.
See if she can get a sleep test done, recommend she get a blood test for iron and b12. There could be a number of things affecting this. You aren’t the only victim of it. Let her be for the meantime, she will probably wake up at some point (and not be grouchy about it) and move to the room herself, or she stays on the couch.
NAH
Simple. Stop waking her up.
Need more info
Has she been checked for sleep apnea?
NTA. She’s an impossible toddler. Don’t bother waking her up. It’s not your responsibility.
At first it seems like a problem that you can solve by just letting her sleep there, but I think I get you. lol. I think your problem might be that your girlfriend is napping a lot and it’s lowkey getting to you. I also get the ick from people who sleeps a lot and ALL the time.
So what once was an adorable quirk is now annoying. And the heartwarming feeling from “aw, she wants to stay in my lap” turned already into “waking her up annoyed and agitated way”
Yeah, that’s what happens in relationships that are starting to die.
NAH, just a couple that is falling out of love.
YTA. I want to ask what the actual issue is? If it’s that you don’t like that she sleeps on the couch, then maybe you should act like an adult and realize that you’re both responsible for your own sleep. If it’s about the unkept chores, that’s a different conversation. Either way, time to put on your big boy pants and express your frustrations in a healthy manner.
Stop waking her up. Leave her there and let her deal with the consequences.
Yes
Coming from a wife who is just like your girlfriend, I say NAH. Obviously waking her up in a clearly agitated state was a misstep, but also completely understandable. You guys just need to calm down and have an in depth discussion when you are clearheaded.
I know exactly how your girlfriend feels. I used to fall asleep on the couch every night. I hate going to bed without my husband and I always try to stay up with him. Problem is, when I fall asleep and get woken up, I sometimes have what we call “episodes” where I have a horrible reaction to waking up and essentially throw a tantrum like a toddler. But, if he leaves me to sleep on the couch and I wake up to him in bed without me, that triggers an episode due to the feeling of neglect.
My husband started feeling exactly like you do. He felt it was unfair that he was always having to wake me up, and be careful about how he does it to avoid an episode. We have had many fights and discussions, and tried many things over the span of about a year to figure out our compromise here. There are nights where I know I am tired and will fall asleep if I stay on the couch, so I put on my big girl pants and suck it up and go to bed without him. Sometimes he sacrifices whatever leisure activity he was going to do and comes to lay down with me in bed so I’m not going to bed alone. And sometimes I fall asleep on the couch and he does his best to help me upstairs in a way that will avoid an episode. All this to say, I can fully empathize and understand where your girlfriend is coming from, but she is absolutely being unfair here.
You guys are a partnership, and she needs to take your feelings into consideration. You need to express that you feel like you’re being put into a parental role by having to help her to bed every night. Because it’s not fair for her to put all of the expectations and work on you. You did perfectly by starting to recognize when she’s getting tired and suggesting she go to bed.
You should request that she also try to recognize when she’s getting tired and try to put herself to bed sometimes. And you need to set the boundary that you no longer want to wake her up and move her upstairs since it is beginning to make you uncomfortable and resentment is budding just a little bit.
And if she still holds her ground and refuses to compromise, then I think to need to evaluate other aspects of the relationship and see if there are other instances where she has shown a blatant lack of respect for you and your feelings.
I wish you the best here. It’s definitely not easy to navigate and it takes time to create new habits. But it’s definitely doable if you both can find a common ground.
NTA, while living with my now husband, I did this frequently and always told him he was welcome to leave me on the couch if it was too much work…until I heard how I was when he woke me up.
I’m not mean but apparently sleepy me makes comments like, “why it’s so nice here” and “you’re ruining my life”. Once I realized I was being bratty but also hilarious (in my opinion) I started making sure to drag my butt to bed to save him that drama. My husband’s sweet and doesn’t want to leave my on the couch and also values us sleeping together so I drag my butt to bed.
NTA, but should’ve told her earlier gently and assertively what she should do. Unless you have and she didn’t change.
She also has no excuse to be grumpy or mad at you either based on the details you provided.
I have the same dynamic in my relationship. Except it’s not a girlfriend falling asleep – it’s my cat.
NAH
My husband does this, every night we sit down to watch something and relax and he falls asleep within minutes in his recliner. I’m not going to lie, it makes me a little crazy. It’s impossible to watch anything together, I end up watching the same episode of a show 3 times because he falls asleep and misses it so the next night we start over. It makes me feel like I have to be quiet and it just feels awkward. I hate waking him up 3 times before he finally wakes up enough to go to bed, it’s so annoying for a huge variety of reasons. Just sleep in the bed, it’s what it’s for!!! I am not the type of person who ever falls asleep anywhere but in my bed with the lights off.
However, at some point, many years ago, I had to make a decision. Is this one small thing a hill I want to die on? My partner works hard, he’s a great dad and husband. He treats me incredibly well and after 27 years together I know I’m so lucky to have him, despite this annoying habit. So I let it go. If he falls asleep during a movie I finish the movie, if it’s a show episode I finish the episode and he can catch up later. I put a blanket on him and let him sleep for an hour or so before I try to get him to go to bed, sometimes he sleeps there for several hours.
It’s not worth making him feel bad over something he really can’t control and I know I have my own irritating habits he doesn’t comment on. So the question is can you let this go, because she’s not going to change this part of herself? It’s just not worth fighting over for us.
I will say I’ve never left him sleeping in the living room and gone to bed, that seems cruel and disrespectful. He’s not grumpy when I wake him up though so I suppose I might if he was rude about it?
So this is coming from a girl who passes out on the couch all the time.
She is falling asleep on the couch instead of going to bed because she does not want to leave your side and wants to be close to you and can physically not stay awake any longer. And your girlfriend feels safe and happy by you. It’s purely because she does not want to leave your side.
Once I fall asleep on the couch I have no idea how many times my boyfriend tried to get me to go to bed because my brain was still in a dreamy state. Any conversation we had I barely remember or did not remember at all. If she falls asleep on the couch just leave her there.
If your girlfriend starts nodding off you can move to the bedroom and watch tv there and have her follow you. That way she sleeps in bed and you get to keep watching tv.
yta. You can’t really control the urge to fall asleep…That being said the chores she has to do or the books she has to clean up are her responsibility, so just tell her she has to make up for them the next morning before leaving
Also if she falls asleep TOO easily it sounds like it could be a health issue or that she’s sleep deprived. Falling asleep isn’t something people can control per se. I’m not sure why more people in the comments aren’t talking about that.
Dude there is nothing worse than a couch waker upper. Source: my wife is one.
It’s fucking annoying. Let us sleep on the couch. We like taking mini snoozes before bed. Do your own thing and leave us alone. YTA and my wife is TA.
NAH. But why not get a tv in the bedroom and watch tv there?
I don’t really understand why it bothers you for her to be asleep. You don’t have to wake her up. If she chooses to sleep on the couch, that’s her problem. And why do you care if her homework is packed up at night or in the morning? You need to live and let live.
Yta. Just go to bed and let her sleep on the couch. Not sure what the issue is, you’re just making it your problem.
Why would you make her get up? I sleep on the couch sometimes, the tv playing in the background, feels like im just floating, idk. Why are you SO bothered by it? You said you feel like you need to act like a parent that gets her to bed, but WHY?
YTA. Of course she could pack her stuff up, but again, it’s her responsibility, let her do what she wants.
I don’t see you winning. If you leave her you’re and asshole for that too.
ESH, but kind of more on her, your biggest mistake is letting this fester then snapping at her.
I’ve been super tired of late, and falling asleep easily runs in the family. So I’m the one falling asleep watching something instead of properly going to sleep. The first time it happened in a serious way, my partner got quite upset because they didn’t know what to do and they were worried about doing the wrong thing whether they woke me or let me sleep.
So as soon as I was awake enough, I explained to them – they are not responsible for me falling asleep vs going to bed. If I fall asleep and then regret it, that’s on me. Unless I explicitly say “poke me if I fall asleep”, or “wake me after half an hour”, or something, they are not responsible for my fail and they don’t have to feel bad if I end up regretting it.
If they’re concerned, they can wake me and ask, but it’s not their job and no outcome is their fault if I haven’t stated my intent/requests up front.
Your gf is making her sleep your responsibility. And, apparently, the pre-bed chores.
I think you need to set expectations and restructure your evenings. No settling down till the chores/showers/homework/packing up is done, for starters. And you need clear expectations about sleeping on the couch.
You don’t like waking her and she doesn’t enjoy being woken, but it sounds like she enjoys relaxing on you while she’s sleepy. So maybe that doesn’t happen on the couch anymore. Watch stuff together till she’s starting to go, then shift to the bed together, with the explicit intention of getting comfortable together and spending some time like that before sleeping. When she starts to actually nod off, you can both just shift into sleeping positions instead of having to get up and do things and go to bed.
She wants cosy time with you, and yeah, that is sweet and cute and lovely. But you both need to be comfortable with it, and that means doing it in a time and a place and a way that works for both of you. Because when she does it in a way that makes you uncomfortable, and you get upset, she’s going to feel like you’re rejecting her, not the specific situation.
So do what you should have done when this first started to bother you. Talk it over and set rules/guidelines. Ask what she likes about it and what she dislikes. Explain the bits you like and the bits you don’t. Then find the best mix for both of you.
I haven’t come across any comments yet suggesting the gf talk to her doctor about this. It could, quite literally, be a medical problem – sleep apnea, hormonal imbalance, blood sugar issue, insomnia, etc. ESH for lack of communication and self-awareness, but seriously – it’s doctor time for gf.
YTA I suffer from severe insomnia and sometimes the only way I can sleep is falling asleep on the couch. When I was a teenager, my parents accepted that if I fell asleep on the couch, it was better than no sleep at all and left me to it. I HATED it when boyfriends in my 20s then decided they knew better and would insist on waking me up so I could go and lie awake in bed instead of happily asleep on the couch.
She’s an adult, let her be.
For what it’s worth, I just woke up from a lovely couch sleep and now I’m typing this at 2am while awake in bed.
You got 99 problems but this ain’t one.
NTA. I get it. My husband is the same way. He’s usually half asleep when I wake him up to move, so I’ve found that if I tell him to be nice to me when I make him move, he is? And if I don’t he gives me an attitude? Its funny, but it works.