I (19F) started studying to be a teaching assistant three years ago. That’s where I met my amazing friend group, and my friend who this is about (25F).
She joined our group during the first year, around the anniversary of her father’s death. Early on, we noticed she was often late or didn’t show up without warning. When we asked what was going on, she told us she was struggling with the loss of her father. We understood and wanted to support her.
In our second year, we started internships. I happened to be placed at the same school as her. At first, it was fun, but after two weeks, she started skipping without saying anything to the school, mentor, or me. She still went to classes on other days though, which confused me. Eventually, she stopped going to both school and internship altogether.
We checked in again, and she repeated the same thing, life was hard, grief was overwhelming. We felt bad and tried to support her more. One of our guy friends and I even picked her up for school to help her show up. But soon, she’d decide last-minute not to go, or worse, not come outside at all. When we hung out, she’d be hours late and still blamed her dad’s passing.
She ended up losing her internship and got an ultimatum from school. She returned for two weeks and then ghosted again, with no communication, no explanation, just “it’s my dad” again.
Our mentor kept giving her chances. That’s why she’s even still in our program, which most of us find unfair. By the final year, the group had started to distance themselves, she never showed up, never texted. But recently, she’s been around a bit more (if she’s “in the mood”). She noticed we’ve gotten closer to others and told me we’re ignoring her. I told her honestly, a lot has changed over time.
Then a month ago, my grandpa passed away. A few days later she texted me about missing school and I told her why I was out, and she didn’t understand why I was gone for a week. I brushed it off.
A month later, she texts again saying she feels ignored and unloved. I explained why things had shifted, and she replied, “You can’t possibly understand what it’s like to lose someone that close.” That crushed me.
So yeah, I snapped. I finally told her what I (and others) had been holding in:
“You don’t get to use grief as a permanent excuse to disappear on people who actually show up for you. We’ve all got pain, it’s what you do with it that counts. Stop hiding behind your loss and start showing up, or stop pretending you care.”
This is just a small part of what I send to her
She called me insensitive and mean. But after she dismissed my grief like it was nothing, I feel like I had every right to say it.
Now I’m just wondering… was I too mean? I honestly don’t know anymore.
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I (19F) started studying to be a teaching assistant three years ago. That’s where I met my amazing friend group, and her (25F).
She joined our group during the first year, around the anniversary of her father’s death. Early on, we noticed she was often late or didn’t show up without warning. When we asked what was going on, she told us she was struggling with the loss of her father. We understood and wanted to support her.
In our second year, we started internships. I happened to be placed at the same school as her. At first, it was fun, but after two weeks, she started skipping without saying anything to the school, mentor, or me. She still went to classes on other days though, which confused me. Eventually, she stopped going to both school and internship altogether.
We checked in again, and she repeated the same thing, life was hard, grief was overwhelming. We felt bad and tried to support her more. One of our guy friends and I even picked her up for school to help her show up. But soon, she’d decide last-minute not to go, or worse, not come outside at all. When we hung out, she’d be hours late and still blamed her dad’s passing.
She ended up losing her internship and got an ultimatum from school. She returned for two weeks and then ghosted again, with no communication, no explanation, just “it’s my dad” again.
Our mentor kept giving her chances. That’s why she’s even still in our program, which most of us find unfair. By the final year, the group had started to distance themselves, she never showed up, never texted. But recently, she’s been around a bit more (if she’s “in the mood”). She noticed we’ve gotten closer to others and told me we’re ignoring her. I told her honestly, a lot has changed over time.
Then a month ago, my grandpa passed away. A few days later she texted me about missing school and I told her why I was out, and she didn’t understand why I was gone for a week. I brushed it off.
A month later, she texts again saying she feels ignored and unloved. I explained why things had shifted, and she replied, “You can’t possibly understand what it’s like to lose someone that close.” That crushed me.
So yeah, I snapped. I finally told her what I (and others) had been holding in:
“You don’t get to use grief as a permanent excuse to disappear on people who actually show up for you. We’ve all got pain, it’s what you do with it that counts. Stop hiding behind your loss and start showing up, or stop pretending you care.”
This is just a small part of what I send to her
She called me insensitive and mean. But after she dismissed my grief like it was nothing, I feel like I had every right to say it.
Now I’m just wondering… was I too mean? I honestly don’t know anymore.
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> I told my friend in a mean way what people thought of her out of rage and I wanna know if that makes me an asshole or not
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA I also lost my father while I was going to school. I missed a couple of days, the day he died and afew days after for family’s arrival for a weekend funeral. I got right back into it on Monday and my field was a medical field, a few days of classes and a few days of clinics. The world didn’t stop when he died so I had to just keep on going and mourn on my own time. It’s nice to show empathy for someone who has lost a loved one but that’s where your responsibility ends. She is not your problem and it actually doesn’t sound like the death of her father is her problem. No one misses so much school for years after a loss. People lose parents all the time even children. I think something else is going on with her, laziness. If all this is in fact over her father, recommend therapy and get back to your own studies.
NTA. Someone being honest with this girl a year or more ago may have done her a lot more good in terms of her career, which I’m sure her father would have wanted her to have before his unfortunate passing.
Some people just find a way to make every situation about themselves so they don’t have to think about the wider world they live in (outside of their own feelings).
I’d let her ruin her own life and move on without contact. You have enough on your plate.
It sounds like she was depressed. I mean clinically depressed. Struggling to get motivation to do anything, staying in bed all day depressed, not just feeling a bit down. That may have been triggered by her bereavement, but the loss may not have been the only cause. Or it may just be the element that is easiest to explain to other people.
But even if it is just a bereavement, there is no such thing as just a bereavement. A loss can be complicated in so many ways – she may have seen him die, or he may have died in a violent or traumatic way, she may have ambivalent feelings, or spent a long time nursing him through terminal illness, there may be things left unsaid or unresolved, or it may have been a sudden losses she had no preparation for. The death of a loved one can shake your very foundations and challenge your sense of self and of how things work. She may not have been able to talk about her feelings or even what really happened. People don’t get over grief in a set timescale, or in the same way.
And whilst it wasn’t kind or fair to dismiss your loss, all deaths are not equivalent. Whilst you may have been devastated by the death of your grandfather and it is possible that you lived together all your lives and were very close, she may feel that the premature death of her father was a much bigger issue than her feelings when she lost a grandparent, or what she pictures about the death of a grandparent. It wouldn’t be unreasonable to assume he was a generation older making the death more normative. But ironically, you want to both dismiss her pain and criticise her for minimising yours.
You sound kind of young and naive. You saw her as a flakey friend who wasn’t committed to the job and course that brought your friendship group together. She felt unloved and unsupported in her time of need. It isn’t your responsibility to look after her, and it may be that she is blaming the bereavement for other things that are going on (or not enjoying or feeling up to the course, or not wanting to put in the effort). But you could have been kinder. You saw her from what sounds like a rather egocentric perspective. You dismissed her pain and prioritised your inconvenience, and you said a load of cruel things to her (even if some of them were true).
So IMHO, YTA.
NTA. Your friend has depression and has made everything about herself. She should be more empathic, not less. Grieving can hit you really hard but if you make it your entire identity – well, you’re not going to climb out of that pit you’ve dug because then who are you?
I was 21 when my mom died suddenly and I dropped one class (made it up in the summer), graduated from college, and did graduate school. It was rough (lots of crying jags) but shutting yourself off from people and activities for months actually makes things worse in the long run.
Nah. That was a reality check, and she needed it. Maybe the friendship is lost over this, but it sounds like it might have naturally run its course anyway. Hopefully you’ll both grow and learn from this experience. NTA
NTA
> she feels ignored and unloved
Yeah. Well.
NTA, i’d prob snap at her too, she of all people should understand what you are feeling. actually, you never said anything crazy, just the truth, she needs to wake up