I(29F) have been in relationship with my (34M) for more than a year and I’ve noticed something that’s been sitting in the back of my mind. When we’re out together, he generally doesn’t use his phone much, which I actually appreciate. But when he does use it, he holds it or uses it in a way that makes it hard for me to see what he’s doing. Like, it’s tilted away or kept close to his chest. I’m not trying to pry or invade his privacy, but the way he handles his phone sometimes makes me feel a little off, like he doesn’t want me to see.
That got me wondering:
- When do couples usually reach a stage where they’re comfortable using or checking each other’s phones?
- Is it okay to ask your partner if you can go through their phone if something feels odd?
- Does it automatically mean trust issues if one person feels the need to check?
- How do you even bring up a topic like this without sounding controlling or suspicious?
- Are people generally more private with their phones, or is it fair to expect more openness in a serious relationship?
- What’s the balance between respecting privacy and having transparency?
I haven’t said anything about this to him yet—I’m trying to understand if it’s just me overthinking or if it’s something worth discussing??
TL;DR — Been with my bf (34M) for over a year. He hides his phone screen when using it around me, which feels off. When is phone transparency normal in relationships? Is it okay to ask or am I overthinking?
Comments
I would just bring up to him that it seems like he’s always secret about his phone whenever you’re together. There isn’t really some official “going through each other‘s phones“ period In a relationship.
My wife and I know each other’s unlock codes and could go through if we wanted. Never needed to but I have used her phone if mine is dead or something.
My opinion is that phones should absolutely never be open, period. If you get to the point where you ‘need’ to check their phone, trust is already gone and you should leave.
I am transparent with partners that I will literally never approve them to go into my phone, and that if I find they’ve done so it’s an immediate dump. I haven’t had issues with this.
>When do couples usually reach a stage where they’re comfortable using or checking each other’s phones?
I’ve occasionally used my partner’s phone but I’ve never felt inclined to go through messages etc. That feels pretty rude.
>Is it okay to ask your partner if you can go through their phone if something feels odd?
Why not just ask directly if something feels odd? If you don’t trust their answer and feel the need to go through their phone that speaks to a bigger issue IMO.
>Does it automatically mean trust issues if one person feels the need to check?
Yes. I don’t see how it doesn’t.
>How do you even bring up a topic like this without sounding controlling or suspicious?
How do you act controlling without sounding controlling? Perhaps don’t be controlling. if you feel insecure or suspicious just say how you feel and see how they respond.
>Are people generally more private with their phones, or is it fair to expect more openness in a serious relationship?
People aren’t a monolith. I’ve met some people who will give me their passcode just a few dates in, even without me asking. And I know some people who do treat it privately because they basically use their phone’s Notes as a journal for a lot of private thoughts etc.
>What’s the balance between respecting privacy and having transparency?
Whatever you agree with with your partner.
I think it’s important to maintain some privacy when you’re in a relationship- my husband and I don’t go through each other’s phones, because we have no reason not to trust each other. If you’re feeling uncomfortable or suspicious, let him know that you’ve noticed certain behavior and want to make sure there’s nothing going on. Don’t make it about going through his phone.