Little back story:
Bob (45m) and I(34f) have been together 5 years. I have three children from a previous relationship (10f, 8m, 7m) and their dad is a good coparent. Well, he rarely pays child support but he has them every weekend except the third and is involved in their activities during the week. I just leave the court ordered child support alone because what can I really do to force him to pay.
Soon after getting in a relationship with Bob I knew he had an addiction to alcohol and gambling. We lived separately until one month ago.. so I guess I didn’t realize what the day to day would be like. While living apart he was very supportive, loving, giving, and we felt like we had a solid relationship.
I slipped into a deep depression two years ago. After realizing I hated the career I got my bachelors in and my grandmother dying. So, during that time I worked hard on my mental health and my boyfriend supported me financially. My kids liked him and he was always even tempered with them.
I would stay at Bobs house on the weekends and he wouldn’t drink or make it known that he was gambling. He was able to hide his addiction pretty well from me because I was preoccupied with my kids during the week. I knew that he’d gamble large amount here and there (maybe 2-5k a month) but it didn’t seem to impact him financially in anyway. I also knew that he drank about 1-2x a week.
Fast forward to now:
We have lived together for four weeks now. His gambling and drinking is at an all time high or more likely it was always like this but I didn’t notice. He has been drinking about 3x a week. Usually, he will go to a sports bar from 6pm-9pm and come home trashed. However, when he is drunk he is quiet and just lays in bed on his phone.
The gambling has basically been equivalent to him flushing every penny down the drain. Now that we live together he complains to even give me $20 for gas or food for the kids. I think he’s on a big losing streak.. which has equated to him being in a bitchy mood all of the time.
My kids have come to realize that his habits are abnormal and he is not a joy to be around. My youngest son has always dealt with anger issues, which can look like tantrums, irrational anger towards low level things, and talking back. I try to work with him on these issues.. but now Bob can barely take it. So he’s forcing me to get counseling services for him. Which is fine because I’m sure it will be helpful but it’s laughable coming from him.
I stopped trying to work through issues with Bob because I feel that I’ve put myself in a vulnerable position and he doesn’t accept him having any issues.
My Question:
I want to just be friendly and nice enough to not make waves. I want to get employed and save money for my kids and I to have our own place. I struggle with figuring out how I can work with their school schedule and summer coming up. I have basically no money and bad credit. Yes, I’ve made bad life choices and I am thinking really hard about them now that I am in this situation.
He is not abusive or mean.. it’s more like he barely exists in life and I’m having a hard time finding any joy at the idea of this long term. Basically, I want to know how to make my situation work until I can change it. I just want more for myself and my kids and I haven’t wanted that in a long time due to depression.
Plus I hate being broke.. I want to be able to buy my kids McDonald’s and swimsuits for the summer and go to the trampoline park.
Comments
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Holy shit are you dating my ex? Like everything about this could be him. Unfortunately there isn’t much you can do without him wanting to stop doing those things. All you can do is try to offer him help if he wants to take it. I would also, if you can, start hoarding money where he won’t find it. He’s going to bleed you dry if you let him. Emotionally, physically, monetarily.
You operate as roommates until you can get out. And you get out as soon as possible, leveraging whatever resources are available to you. Apply for social services (food stamps, etc). Apply for every job you could even remotely qualify for. Hell, do Instacart or uber eats while the kids are at school. Anything.
Let him be drunk. Let him gamble. There’s nothing you can do about it, and as long as he’s out doing that, he’s out of your hair.
Do NOT get pregnant with this man.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You can’t.
Start with Al-Anon.
Then work on an exit plan.