Some context, my dad was born in Thailand and immigrated to the states when he was 13. My grandma used to live in the states 6 months at a time. So she would live 6 months here and then 6 months there.
Well she was diagnosed with cancer and unfortunately died here, state side.
This was many years ago, and we haven’t been able to fly her ashes over to Thailand for financial reasons and also family drama (like my dad’s siblings were fighting for who’s to do it.)
Well the time has finally come and he’s now taking on the responsibility and asked for me to come with him. My grandma has a whole estate in Thailand. She has a home in a village, a townhome in Bangkok and owns 80 acres of rice field that has been in my family since before I was even born. I should add I have a whole family that I haven’t met yet that’s been taking care of everything in her estate.
When my dad asked me of course I said yes. This won’t be till next year when I graduate cosmetology school. So he wants to double this trip as a graduation present. I’ve also never left the country before so that’s also why this is a big deal.
When I told my husband he immediately said he wanted to go and I told him it’s really not my trip to invite him on. Whenever I was speaking to my dad about the logistics of the trip he did mention unprompted he wanted it to just be us and next time we go then we can bring my husband.
Well my husband is very upset and said that if the tables were turned he would have “stuck up for me” and that it’s kind of wack that he can’t experience something like this with me. It’s not like my dad was bashing him, so I didn’t know where this “stick up for him” comment fits the situation. Sometimes I just feel like I’m not allowed to have new experiences without him and then he makes me feel guilty.
AITA?
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Some context, my dad was born in Thailand and immigrated to the states when he was 13. My grandma used to live in the states 6 months at a time. So she would live 6 months here and then 6 months there.
Well she was diagnosed with cancer and unfortunately died here, state side.
This was many years ago, and we haven’t been able to fly her ashes over to Thailand for financial reasons and also family drama (like my dad’s siblings were fighting for who’s to do it.)
Well the time has finally come and he’s now taking on the responsibility and asked for me to come with him. My grandma has a whole estate in Thailand. She has a home in a village, a townhome in Bangkok and owns 80 acres of rice field that has been in my family since before I was even born. I should add I have a whole family that I haven’t met yet that’s been taking care of everything in her estate.
When my dad asked me of course I said yes. This won’t be till next year when I graduate cosmetology school. So he wants to double this trip as a graduation present. I’ve also never left the country before so that’s also why this is a big deal.
When I told my husband he immediately said he wanted to go and I told him it’s really not my trip to invite him on. Whenever I was speaking to my dad about the logistics of the trip he did mention unprompted he wanted it to just be us and next time we go then we can bring my husband.
Well my husband is very upset and said that if the tables were turned he would have “stuck up for me” and that it’s kind of wack that he can’t experience something like this with me. It’s not like my dad was bashing him, so I didn’t know where this “stick up for him” comment fits the situation. Sometimes I just feel like I’m not allowed to have new experiences without him and then he makes me feel guilty.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My husbands feelings are hurt that he’s not invited to a trip with my dad and I and I’m not sure if I’m actually being an asshole by not talking my dad into inviting him
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA.
NTA. Your dad is laying his mother to rest. That is’t just some vacation. He absolutely gets to say who comes on that trip. Your husband should be more respectful.
NTA your husband is selfish and self centered, this isn’t a vacation.
NTA. Dad has already offered “next time”. This is a family (blood only) trip to reconnect and grieve. Next trip can be sightseeing and a happier occasion!
NTA
Your husband is viewing this as some kind of free vacation
Your father is viewing this as a very difficult time of grieving, reflecting and mourning when he brings the ashes of his mother home. He rightfully wants this to be a trip with only family members to share the grieving and mourning as well as the remembrance.
The dynamic would be completely different with your husband because your father – as well as you – would be forced to be on a “happy social face.
Your husband didn’t know your grandmother.
On a more practical note it would also be more costly for your father who would probably feel that he should pay for your husband and not just you.
NTA – This sounds like an incredible opportunity to bond with your father and connect with your roots, family, and ancestors. For your father, it’s likely a deeply personal trip. From what I’ve experienced during my time in China, the culture is built on strong traditions and values around family and heritage. Given that he’s been away for so long and that you’ve never been there, this trip is bound to be filled with emotion and meaningful moments.
It’s completely understandable that he would want to share this journey with just his immediate family.
It also makes sense that your husband feels disappointed—especially if he sees this as a fun travel opportunity. But as your partner, he should be able to support and understand you, especially when something carries so much emotional weight. This isn’t just a vacation—it’s a chance to reconnect with your family’s history in a very real and personal way.
Edit – Grammer
Definitly NTA
No. Your husband needs to grow up.
NTA – you have never been to Thailand, you are going to support your father and see those who were close to your grandma the other 6 months a year. Do you speak any Thai? I assume your dad does given he was 13. It will be enough for him to facilitate the introductions and navigate the family with you. He is showing you his birthplace and it is an important bonding experience for you two.
To add your husband, who isn’t of the culture and doesn’t speak the language, would make the family you are meeting feel like they have to host a tourist – showing him sites, serving non-traditional food, speaking more English (as many do). That is a completely different vibe than connecting with your dad’s roots, and your grandmas other life.
Usually family vacations would include husbands and wives. But not when it’s a trip to scatter ashes.
Nta.
Unpopular opinion apparently but I would prefer my husband to be with me. He’s a part of the family too, and you and your dad can go to the specific place with her ashes alone, but the rest of the trip? Enjoy with your spouse along. Idk, I love being around mine and would like him to enjoy it all with me.
NTA. While your dad may also be treating it as a graduation gift for you, the main purpose of it is dealing with his mother’s death. That isn’t exactly “rahrah fun holiday!!” material. Not to mention this is coming from your dad’s pocket – would your husband be willing to pay his own way, or is he expecting your dad to fork out so he can tag along? There’s a time and place for “standing your ground” and this is not it.
Absolutely NTA – honestly your husband sounds greedy and manipulative. He clearly doesn’t care how much it means for you and your dad to have a moment scattering your grandmother’s ashes, he just wants a free vacation for himself on your dad’s dime.
He’s way out of line. Please, go on your trip. Spend time with your dad and family there. Cherish this time. And make clear to your husband that he can’t bully you into pushing your dad into giving him free vacations.
NTA. He’s out of his lane asking to come at all.
NTA. Couples dont need to do everything together. You are still an individual person with your own independent relationships and feelings.
This sounds like a very special trip for you and for Dad to be together and honour your grandma/your heritage. Your husband should respect that instead of making this about himself.
Scattering ashes is a family event.
That said if it were me I’d be wondering why I as your husband was not considered family.
In my family spouses are family no question. My Dad saw my BIL as his son and I see him as my brother. My Wife was his daughter and he was her Dad.
Perhaps your husband feels like you should have brought up that he IS family and that is what he is referring to about standing up for him.
NTA
This is such a weird thing to be butthurt about.
Just give your husband a grill to clean, if he’s so desperate to play with ashes.
NTA. This is about spreading your grandmother’s ashes. It is not a vacation. Your husband seems to think this is some sort of vacation. It most definitely is not.
NTA. This is about connecting with your family and your ancestors. While it sucks that your husband won’t be able to join in on that – because it’d be special for him to be part of it, and not because he’s thinking of it as a vacation, I’m sure – your father is sponsoring the trip and it’s reasonable of him to keep it just the two of you.
Your husband can be disappointed and jealous but he shouldn’t make that your problem. Your dad has been clear about his wishes to be with you alone, that’s the end of the discussion.
Nta. This if for you dad and to pay respects to your grandma. Your husband can go another time.
ESH
If this were reverse and it was your husband, his mother asking him for this favor and you not being included, Reddit would have a complete mental breakdown that “men must leave their parents once they marry, that YOU are his family and NOT his mother, that he’s a mommas boy”
On the other hand, it’s not a vacation. Does he realize that? The mindset would be totally different, your father is looking for a way to reconnect with you and introduce you to his roots and your heritage. If my husband had this opportunity with his parents, I’d be more than happy to have him go with them, spend quality time and reconnect, while I stayed home
But we are not all the same and that’s fine. It’s just that I’m not sure your husband understands that this isn’t a vacation and that you yourself have never met this part of your family. That your father is mourning and that there is a time for everything.
I can see where your husband is coming from as well. He is your husband and he is your family, and yes, your family before your parents even, just like when a man marries a woman and he leaves his parents.
None of us can tell you what to do. This is a difficult situation. Do what you feel is right. Talk to your husband and make a few of the points that have been made here about this not being a vacation. But don’t call him names, don’t tell him he’s selfish, but do make it clear that it’s not for fun. And go from there
Good luck
YTA
Your husband is your family, stop being such a daddy’s girl & grow up! He has every right to be upset. I’m sick of the double standards on this sub & they need to be called out
NTA.
First, your Dad is Chief Mourner. He gets what he wants in this circumstance.
Second, your husband isn’t grasping the whole point. He’s thinking “What? She’s seeing Wat Phra Chetuphon (or fill in the blank) without me? I wanna see it too!” That’s not what this is. This is not going to be a fun trip. It’s going to be a deeply emotional, somewhat sombre visit, with a few moments of happy remembrance tears. Your Dad gets to have who he wants there for that.
Remind him of that. You’ll be able to go back to sightsee and introduce him to your relatives another time.
NTA. What’s your husband’s connection to your grandma? This trip is all about honoring her and wrapping up loose ends with her passing.
NTA now this might be coz of how early it is in the uk so sleepy mind is on 🙈. But your husband is upset he can’t come and experience taking your dead grandmother ashes to spread them in her home country 🫤. Yes your going to Thailand but your not going for a vacation.
YTA. For not wanting to go with your husband.
NAH
Your husband is being slightly difficult, but I get his point of view too.
I mean, I think it’s obvious why this could rightly be viewed as a father/daughter family trip, or it could be viewed as a family trip, as your husband is family. This is something you guys need to work out among yourselves, but I truly don’t think there is a solution that is obviously better.
NAH , but… given you’ll probably never go with your husband (you haven’t gone in many years when you had a strong reason to go) I can see why he’s not happy about it.
NTA – my condolences to your family but has your husband always been an inconsiderate ass?