My (37 m) partner and I (35 f) have been together for almost 3 years. I have a daughter and he has no kids.When we met, I was still in nursing school, not working so I wasn’t making any money. He knew this, and he has a pretty good job so he would pay for everything when we would go out. Shortly after we became official, he had me pay for some of the times we would go out, which is fine. I get it. It just kinda sacked because I was not working and short on money but it is what it is.
Fastforward to now, I still pay for everything for my daughter and I don’t mind that, it’s my responsibility. We take turns paying for stuff when we go out so it’s okay.
He never officially moved in, but he slowly started staying over longer and longer. He hasn’t stayed at his place in almost a year. He works as a lineman so he would travel around a lot. Didn’t have an apartment but he has an RV he owns and pays $400 a month for the lot. I bought a house almost two years before we met and I pay almost $1200 in mortgage and all the bills are under my name, of course. I eventually talked him into helping me pay some of the bills since he hadn’t offered. We came to an agreement that he would pay 1/3 since it’s me and my daughter and it’s just him with no kids, but he wasn’t excited about that. He doesn’t think he should help me pay for my mortgage at all because he says I’m the one building equity on it and when I sell it, the money will be mine. Which is true, but I don’t think it’s necessary fair. He makes pretty good money ($20/hr. more than me, to be exact) but still doesn’t offer to pay for anything other than half of the times we go out. Whenever anything in the house needs fixing, I’m the one paying for it and he never offers to pay any part of it. WIBTA for asking again to give me some money since he gets to live in my home?
ETA: he justifies not paying rent and only paying 1/3 of the bills since he now drives an hour to and from work and pays the extra gas it’s costing him (his RV is an hour away, which is where his work is as well).
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My (37 m) partner and I (35 f) have been together for almost 3 years. I have a daughter and he has no kids.When we met, I was still in nursing school, not working so I wasn’t making any money. He knew this, and he has a pretty good job so he would pay for everything when we would go out. Shortly after we became official, he had me pay for some of the times we would go out, which is fine. I get it. It just kinda sacked because I was not working and short on money but it is what it is.
Fastforward to now, I still pay for everything for my daughter and I don’t mind that, it’s my responsibility. We take turns paying for stuff when we go out so it’s okay.
He never officially moved in, but he slowly started staying over longer and longer. He hasn’t stayed at his place in almost a year. He works as a lineman so he would travel around a lot. Didn’t have an apartment but he has an RV he owns and pays $400 a month for the lot. I bought a house almost two years before we met and I pay almost $1200 in mortgage and all the bills are under my name, of course. I eventually talked him into helping me pay some of the bills since he hadn’t offered. We came to an agreement that he would pay 1/3 since it’s me and my daughter and it’s just him with no kids, but he wasn’t excited about that. He doesn’t think he should help me pay for my mortgage at all because he says I’m the one building equity on it and when I sell it, the money will be mine. Which is true, but I don’t think it’s necessary fair. He makes pretty good money ($20/hr. more than me, to be exact) but still doesn’t offer to pay for anything other than half of the times we go out. Whenever anything in the house needs fixing, I’m the one paying for it and he never offers to pay any part of it. WIBTA for asking again to give me some money since he gets to live in my home?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) asking my partner to help me pay rent
2) he doesn’t think it’s fair since it’s my home under my name and he isn’t building equity on it like I am.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. It shouldn’t matter whether you own your home or not. You still have to pay either rent or mortgage to have a place to live. If he’s over at your home and not contributing or doesn’t want to, he can stay at his.
Sex, housework, and finances. The three biggest generators of angst in relationships.
Him paying a share of the bills sounds completely reasonable, and a bit sucky he didn’t just offer. Him fixing the home, maybe he has a point that it’s your house which you’ll profit from. Him paying for half of your fun times out, again sounds fair cause you’re both out having fun.
I guess y’all have a different perception of what is ‘fair’. Which you’ll either work out, or consider whether it’s healthy staying in a relationship with those different beliefs.
NAH.
I’m confused. Is he paying the 1/3 he agreed to or not? If he is, you WBTA. If not, I think you need to ask if he is really your person or if he is using you and you are letting him.
As for paying for half your outings pick ones that are less expensive. Go on picnics, go for walks, whatever is fun time together. There is nothing wrong with takeout and movie night at the house. If he doesn’t like it you can tell him you are staying in your budget since you have responsibilities he doesn’t. If he wants more that is what you can ask him to pay for.
Out of curiosity, when he is there who cooks and cleans and takes care of the house?
Don’t phrase it as paying the mortgage. He should be paying rent, which you use to offset the cost of repairs and maintenance to the house.
NTA but its time for a sit down conversation about living arrangements and who is paying for what. If he is living there, give him a tenancy agreement stating how much and when he pays and conditions for termination of the agreement. Can he park the RV at your place and pay you the 400 instead? Or if there’s RV isn’t needed since he’s living with you, will he sell it?
NTA – You talked about splitting costs when you go out, but what about your food at home? Does he split the grocery bill with you? Make it simple and cut his visits down to once or twice a week depending on how often you want him there.
If he’s there more than 4 days a week, he needs to help pay rent – because he’s no longer a visitor, he’s a tenant (plus he’s getting all the fringe benefits of sharing your bed).
How much time is he spending at your place? Is he gone for work a lot or does he come back to your place every night?
YWNBTA
He is a freeloader and a stingy person. He is living in your home rent free. Whether you own it or someone else, living in a home is not free. And he still doesn’t even pick up the check when you go out?
You’re going Dutch on dates and this creep is only paying 1/3 of the household costs. That is not OK.
I’m going to say NAH. You have a difficult dynamic here – you are his partner and landlord. He pays rent, but still expects the landlord to fix the house. It gets a whole lot simpler if you’re married, but at the same time, differences in expectations like this can cause quite the resentment in a marriage.
Get rid of him! He’s just crashing at your place free of rent. If he’s not going to assist financially for living there, then charge him a nightly rate lol. Nothing’s free.
NTA. I understand not wanting to pay to your mortgage, but yeah, that doesn’t mean you get to live rent free forever. It sounds like you’ve got a start with the 1/3 of the bills thing, but that’s not enough considering he’s not paying any rent. You can try to dress it up even further with other non-rent expenses he can pay to cover his end (a higher share of the bills, groceries, etc), but ultimately, it’s always a red flag to me when you get to the “OK, how are we going to make this work financially” stage of a relationship and one side is skimping right from the start.
NTA. Of course not.
NTA. If he is at your place all the time he should pay something. Keep in mind though he could just go back to his place.
NTA
The whole “paying towards the mortgage and getting equity” argument is so dumb.
He’s paying $400 a month on a lot somewhere, right? He mad that his landlord is using that $400 to increase their equity?
If most of his stuff is at your house, then he needs to pay rent. The $400 a month is basically RV storage. He lives in your house, he needs to pay rent there. Just paying towards bills also doesn’t make sense. If he had an apartment he’d be paying rent/mortgage and utilities. This is no different
If he doesn’t want to pay anything more than he is paying right now, he needs to move back into his RV and just visit you when invited.
NTA .. if he wants to stay there and if he takes your relationship seriously he should have no issue with it. I’m in nursing school now after a career change (LMT, I owned my business) .. my now husband and I met before he became a lineman apprentice- he lived with me while he waited to get in with the union. I have 2 kids from a previous marriage. He now pays for everything while I’m in school. We support each other and have helped one another in any and every way since day 1. We have been together for 3.5 yrs married for 6months. Cliche but if he wanted to – he would. There should never be a power struggle- it’s not you vs him or him vs you- it’s you both as a team vs the problem- and the problem is that you’re financially covering all of it. If he’s serious about you, he’d only use the RV for storm, officially move in and pay what is fair for you both. . . After 3 years girl I’d be wondering what he thinks this is? Your home isn’t a smash and crash pad.. it’s either our home or it’s my home and you can go sleep in your RV.
He is selfish, stingy and using you. This isn’t a relationship with fair dynamics. I wouldn’t want a man like this as a partner, husband or bf.
If he actually lives there, he should pay rent, if he doesn’t live there, the current situation sounds fair. You need to have a conversation about where he lives before working out the rest of it & if you can’t come to an agreement on that, then maybe make sure he isn’t living there at all & can only come to visit. He may then realise that he is actually living there & the conversation about rent can start again.
YTA – don’t understand everyone’s issue with going Dutch on dates. We are in a new millennium.
As for the rent situation – that’s dicey – he should be paying a portion of the utilities and groceries at minimum. Rent….well as you are in a romantic relationship, and depending on the length of time you’ve been together and where you live, he could be entitled to compensation if your relationship ended.
This sub is usually critical of men when they charge their girlfriend’s rent. So the comments were actually surprising.
NTA – You’re a single mom doing your best to support your daughter, and this guy thinks he should be able to crash at your place for free? Absolutely not. It’s time to cut him loose and focus on what really matters—your daughter. You don’t need a grown toddler freeloading off you. You’re working hard on your future and deserve so much better. What does he even bring to the relationship? As for his drive time, that’s his choice to work there. You shouldn’t be penalized for it.
You and your baby girl do not this type of stress. You should be proud that you worked for and bought your own home. Go live your best life, without him.
Edit – Also Utilities…I am guessing he showers and uses water and electricity. Nothing is free.
Single mother, completes nursing degree, launches and maintains highly responsible and demanding career and purchases own home.
Maintains the home and keeps the household running.
Dude who lives with her sometimes: serves no purpose.
What was the question? You are NTA but with respect, you might be supporting a second child you didn’t know you’d signed up for.
NTA, he should at least pay for more..and three years. You got him to use to you paying my friend, it’s time have him help or I’m sorry but more on without him..
NTA – dump this man.
NTA. He’s choosing to commute. That’s his choice. He’s choosing to pay rent for his RV. That’s his choice. Choices have consequences. The commute and the rent is the price he pays for getting to play house with you. If the price is too steep, well….
By the way, why’s he still paying lot fees? It’s not like lots are hard to come by. The smart thing would be to park the RV at your house, pay nothing for fees, then use that money for his commute. Then he could cover rent no problem.
He’s right, you’re the one building equity. That doesn’t mean he gets to live for free.
this is something you two have to work out, but I wouldn’t be ok with him not paying rent. what is he doing with all his money? linemen make enough, and it’s not all eaten up by gas. my guess is he’s saving it for himself, in his name, in an IRA or??? the other thing to consider is that if he does start to pay, even tho you aren’t married, he could claim some equity if you split up, depending on state law. he could get rid of that rv and give you the 400$ for the spot. he sounds selfish/tight with his money.
eww. why are you with this dude? He is freeloading off you and taking advantage of a single mother. I know the dating pool has pee in it but its got to be better dudes than this. the first red flag should’ve been when he had you paying for dates when you were broke.
YTA for putting up with it
We need to add “Linemen” to the professions that nurses need to stay away from…NTA.
if he stays there essentially full time, he should be expected to pay for part of the mortgage, property taxes, utilities, groceries if he’s eating them, etc. i assume he already didn’t buy the furniture and stuff like that, so, whatever he’s using, it’s only fair/reasonable. especially if he makes significantly more and he knows you have half of him, yourself, and a child to pay for already. it’s selfish for him to expect to stay with you and use all your amenities for free and just stack his money while you struggle.
He gets a place to stay. But what are you actually getting out of this relationship?