When I do dumb things when I’m alone, I hit myself. Almost to the point of passing out

r/

I don’t know what it comes from, I was mentally and physically abused when I was little and I get to the point where I think everything that happens to me I’ve done something to deserve. And I abuse myself. I may look happy on the outside but I secretly hate myself. I secretly wish I would’ve been successful with my attempt at 14. But after I get to feeling that way it all goes away and I’m back to my happy, bubbly self. So the inner hate and disgust I have when I look in the mirror only comes on later at night. I usually look in the mirror and say things like “you fucking ugly piece of shit, just end it. Nobody will miss you.” And I go to sleep and wake up to put on the fake facade all over again. I don’t see a therapist bc I don’t care enough to waste the money on it. I’m too much of a pussy to end it so I just have to keep reliving everything and wishing my abuser would’ve finished the job. I’m fucked in the head but who isn’t nowadays.

Comments

  1. savage22680 Avatar

    I can see where you’re coming from—kind of.
    I’ve suffered with self-hatred my entire life, to the point where I couldn’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror.
    I thought about ending it all so many times.

    The best advice I can give is to try putting that hatred toward something beneficial.
    It helped me to literally tell myself: “You’re not actually going to commit, so why all the dramatics?”
    If you hate living so much, why haven’t you found the courage to just do it ?

    The answer is usually this:
    You don’t really hate living. You hate living with the pain.

    Make as much noise in your head as you can when those thoughts come.
    Like, literally sing a random song. Scream.
    Eventually, those thoughts will become less frequent.

    I wish you the best.