I don’t know what it comes from, I was mentally and physically abused when I was little and I get to the point where I think everything that happens to me I’ve done something to deserve. And I abuse myself. I may look happy on the outside but I secretly hate myself. I secretly wish I would’ve been successful with my attempt at 14. But after I get to feeling that way it all goes away and I’m back to my happy, bubbly self. So the inner hate and disgust I have when I look in the mirror only comes on later at night. I usually look in the mirror and say things like “you fucking ugly piece of shit, just end it. Nobody will miss you.” And I go to sleep and wake up to put on the fake facade all over again. I don’t see a therapist bc I don’t care enough to waste the money on it. I’m too much of a pussy to end it so I just have to keep reliving everything and wishing my abuser would’ve finished the job. I’m fucked in the head but who isn’t nowadays.
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I can see where you’re coming from—kind of.
I’ve suffered with self-hatred my entire life, to the point where I couldn’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror.
I thought about ending it all so many times.
The best advice I can give is to try putting that hatred toward something beneficial.
It helped me to literally tell myself: “You’re not actually going to commit, so why all the dramatics?”
If you hate living so much, why haven’t you found the courage to just do it ?
The answer is usually this:
You don’t really hate living. You hate living with the pain.
Make as much noise in your head as you can when those thoughts come.
Like, literally sing a random song. Scream.
Eventually, those thoughts will become less frequent.
I wish you the best.