Subtle manipulation and control in a relationship

I broke up with my boyfriend because I was feeling like I had to ask mt boyfriend permission to do anything. I struggled to leave. I kept thinking “he’s sweet” and “maybe things will get better.” I didn’t think “being unhappy” was a good enough reason to leave. But I finally had the courage to leave. But I’m wondering if I read into it? Am I being too sensitive?

Here’s an overview of what happened towards the end.

EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION & SULKING: Anytime I brought up a boundary or concern, or did something without asking him permission first, he would go cold for days and sulk, say he was “fine” when he clearly was not fine. I’d have to ask him repeatedly what was bothering him. And I would always end up comforting him. It got to the point where I felt like I couldn’t do anything without running it past him. And I could tell he didn’t like when I did workout classes, fostered a dog, went to see my cousin without him, etc.

SUPERBOWL PARTY GASLIGHTING: I hosted a party at my apartment, and he said he was going to grill some onions at my place during my party. I told him no, I don’t want the oven on because there’s going to be a bunch of people moving around the kitchen. He said “no no it will be fine, I will take care of it and clean up.” I said no, I don’t want the stove on during the party, I just want to keep it easy so I can host and enjoy. So a few hours later, my friend comes to the party, and my boyfriend gassed him up to help him grill some onions on my stove. It felt like he intentionally waited for my friend to show up so I wouldn’t be able to say anything. The next day, I told him I didn’t like that he used my stove during my party despite me telling him not to, and the fact he asked my friend to help him felt manipulative. He gave me a canned apology and then sulked and was cold towards me for days. I finally asked him what was wrong and he said “you called me a manipulator. Now I’m questioning my entire sense of self.” I had to comfort him. As soon as he saw I felt bad, he suddenly was fine.

CONTROLLING / POSSESSIVE: He called me every day at 4:30pm asking “what are we doing tonight?” or asking for all the details of what I did that day. If I wanted a night to myself, he would still call me later and want to talk or play games. If had networking events or painting classes or girls trips, he would ask to come with me, and I felt like I was the bad guy when I said no. I began avoiding doing things I enjoyed because I dreaded his sulking and dreaded having to explain why I wanted to do them.

MONEY ENTITLEMENT: We planned a trip to Florida to go to Disneyworld. He wanted to come, despite his finances being out of order. He used his points for flights, but I covered the hotel and the rental car and parking fees. I was ok with this because I was supporting him getting out of debt and building an emergency fund. But during the trip, he said the hotel I picked wasn’t that nice, let me pay for food for him and he never offered to pay me back, paid me $200 for the disneyworld ticket even though it was $300. He also talked about how he was going to buy a $200 watch, was thinking about getting a Tesla, and was thinking about spending $500 on Delta Status. I lost it when he started tearing into the food I got for us and paid for, and told him “you need to respect that I’m covering your costs, you need to actually work on your finances and can’t be spending hundreds on watches and cars and flight status and eating the food I buy without offering to contribute. This is the last time I’m going to talk about finances.” He got really upset, sulked the entire day, said he wasn’t serious about buying any of these things. He was really cold towards me and negative until I started sobbing and then suddenly he was fine.

THE FINAL STRAW: I was stressed about work on a Friday, and he didn’t seem to care. I asked him “hey, if I’m really stressed about work, can we talk through it? It helps me process so I can move on and then enjoy the day.” He said “sure” but then…as expected… went cold on me the rest of the weekend. I finally broke down crying a few mornings later, and said “I can’t do this anymore, I need you to communicate when you are upset, I don’t want to hurt you, I can’t read your mind.” He just said he was fine, and the honeymoon phase was just over. I said that the sulking was a pattern, and that it made me feel like I can’t address issues or take any time to myself. He then got upset and said “well of course I’m going to not be fine when you say something personal! You called me a manipulator at your superbowl party! I explained I just expressed how I felt when he used my stove after I said not to use it, never called him a manipulator. He doubled down and said “you assumed the worst in me! Why is it so hard for you to believe I just forgot? The idea that I could do something manipulative shouldn’t even cross your mind. After all the nice things I’ve done for you this year, how can you not trust me?” I even clarified “so… you think I shouldn’t ever question you, even if it feels off to me?” and he said “Yes. You need to trust me.” And I said “But the lies about your finances broke some of my trust.” He looked furious. I sobbed and begged him to communicate and to understand I just need some time to myself, and he finally perked up. He said “You can do your own thing! I’m not trying to control you. I mean, if you went to Europe for a month I would have a problem with that, but a short weekend trip by yourself? That’s totally fine!”

I went home and felt even worse after the conversation – drained, emotionally wrung out. I couldn’t justify him telling me that I have to blindly trust him no matter what. So I ended it.

AFTERMATH: The relief was immediate. I’m going through the grief of it all, and missing the companionship. I’m questioning if I expected too much or if I misinterpreted stuff. Have y’all experienced this? And what was the aftermath like for y’all?