Hi everyone sorry in advance i think this may be a long one. So my husband’s mother doesn’t want anything to do with our children. Or that’s atleast how it seems. My father in law died suddenly in 2021, he was the most kind man I’ve ever met. He truly was a family man and always wanted to be surrounded by his family. When he dies it was sudden and for the first year my husband stepped up and looked after his mum and brother to help them and then broke down every night to me. For 1 year after we made sure to go over multiple times a week message every day make meals for his mum etc. Now almost 4 years on we don’t hear from her. My husband messages once per week to check in out of duty more than anything. My children used to cry to see their grandmother. They used to have sleep overs when my father in law was alive. They used to come with us to parks and such. Now my mother in law is too busy. She has said that her husband would have wanted her to live her life to the fullest. It seems like my kids don’t come into that anymore. I don’t know how to broach the subject with her. I don’t want her to feel attacked but I’m at a loss. My youngest asked if she could go to sleep over and play together and she straight up told her no. My youngest started crying and my mother in law had no reaction to that. My daughter is 9 btw. My son who is 14 asked a few weeks ago to go over and see her, for context Thursday that week’s after school his friend died suddenly we don’t know why. He wanted some time to reflect and to spend with her. She said she was busy. He didn’t explain why he wanted to but my husband later told his mum why and she simply said “I wasn’t in anyway” she didn’t ask my son how he was nothing. There has been a lot of other stuff with my brother in law who now lives with my mother in law again. But that’s not mine to share. The reason I’m asking is last Christmas we had it at her house like we used to when my father in law was alive. She kept mentioning that next Christmas 2025 wouldn’t it be nice for us to have it at home. Basically saying she doesn’t want us there when her house is the only one big enough for us all. So my son asked what we would do for Christmas and I explained that maybe we should have it at home. We got to talking about his grandmother and he ended up getting upset and crying because she has never once asked him how he is, after his friends death. He is not one to get emotional like that. I feel heartbroken for my kids. So Reddit would I be the wrong for speaking to her and asking why? I do think she will take anything as I say as an attack but at this point she sees her friends kids more than mine. We do go over sometimes to see her but she is usually busy out with friends on a weekend so sometimes my kids get to see her for an hour after school if my husband is off that day. Any advice would be helpful I’m at a loss. We don’t live anywhere near my family and my mum is worse so I don’t want my kids around her. Help
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Hi everyone sorry in advance i think this may be a long one. So my husband’s mother doesn’t want anything to do with our children. Or that’s atleast how it seems. My father in law died suddenly in 2021, he was the most kind man I’ve ever met. He truly was a family man and always wanted to be surrounded by his family. When he dies it was sudden and for the first year my husband stepped up and looked after his mum and brother to help them and then broke down every night to me. For 1 year after we made sure to go over multiple times a week message every day make meals for his mum etc. Now almost 4 years on we don’t hear from her. My husband messages once per week to check in out of duty more than anything. My children used to cry to see their grandmother. They used to have sleep overs when my father in law was alive. They used to come with us to parks and such. Now my mother in law is too busy. She has said that her husband would have wanted her to live her life to the fullest. It seems like my kids don’t come into that anymore. I don’t know how to broach the subject with her. I don’t want her to feel attacked but I’m at a loss. My youngest asked if she could go to sleep over and play together and she straight up told her no. My youngest started crying and my mother in law had no reaction to that. My daughter is 9 btw. My son who is 14 asked a few weeks ago to go over and see her, for context Thursday that week’s after school his friend died suddenly we don’t know why. He wanted some time to reflect and to spend with her. She said she was busy. He didn’t explain why he wanted to but my husband later told his mum why and she simply said “I wasn’t in anyway” she didn’t ask my son how he was nothing. There has been a lot of other stuff with my brother in law who now lives with my mother in law again. But that’s not mine to share. The reason I’m asking is last Christmas we had it at her house like we used to when my father in law was alive. She kept mentioning that next Christmas 2025 wouldn’t it be nice for us to have it at home. Basically saying she doesn’t want us there when her house is the only one big enough for us all. So my son asked what we would do for Christmas and I explained that maybe we should have it at home. We got to talking about his grandmother and he ended up getting upset and crying because she has never once asked him how he is, after his friends death. He is not one to get emotional like that. I feel heartbroken for my kids. So Reddit would I be the wrong for speaking to her and asking why? I do think she will take anything as I say as an attack but at this point she sees her friends kids more than mine. We do go over sometimes to see her but she is usually busy out with friends on a weekend so sometimes my kids get to see her for an hour after school if my husband is off that day. Any advice would be helpful I’m at a loss. We don’t live anywhere near my family and my mum is worse so I don’t want my kids around her. Help
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
This isn’t a conversation for you to have with her, it’s one for your husband to have with her to be honest.
You’re NTA for wanting her to want a relationship with your kids, but she’s also not obligated to have one with your children.
YWNBTA, of course! It’s OK to talk to her. Obviously your whole family would feel hurt by her distancing herself from you like that. Since your children want a relationship with their grandmother, I think it’s advisable that you talk to her. But unfortunately, be prepared for the possibility that she simply wants to keep her distance. It would be hurtful for your family, but that’s how people sometimes are and we can’t change them. Sometimes we have to accept that some people don’t want us in their lives, even if they’re family. If I were you or your husband, if that was the case, I would stop calling and seeking contact with her. Let her be and concentrate on other relationships.
firstly, most def you are not the a-hole here……if seen from your perspective you are absolutely right, and it is not as if you want to live with her. but occasional meeting up and spending time should be fine…also it seems as if their grandmother is purposefully avoiding them…like idk maybe she never liked her grandkids and only tolerated them due to your father-in-law…moreover maybe she never even liked you and approved of you and could not voice it in presence of her husband….but honestly how your husband stood by her in her difficult times as basic courtesy she could spend time with grandkids occasionally it’s not a big deal……but honestly the thing is you cannot force her as well…cause she is her own individual and if for any reason she does not wish to be in contact with your family she is not obligated to…you could talk to her but to be honest it would be a futile effort…maybe you could also distance from her and try to divert the kids attention as time passes they may forget her if not forget not feel her absence anymore
NAH
She is not the automatic babysitter.
I understand how hurt you must feel on your children’s behalf, and you are N T A for the way you feel, but YWBTA if you angrily confront her about this. If your aim is to rebuild a relationship between your children and their grandmother, you have to be more gentle about it. Crashing in and demanding that she acts like a doting grandma when she clearly doesn’t want to be won’t work.
First question, where is your husband in all of this? How does he feel about her and how is he coping with the loss of his dad?
Second question, I get the impression that she’s trying to keep busy busy and perhaps be out of the home. When you normally spend time with her, is it always going to her place, like Xmas? Is she always in the position of hosting? If so, try swapping this around and inviting her to your place as a guest. Maybe changing that dynamic would help. (what are the plans for Easter?)
Also it’s very clear that she doesn’t want to host for Xmas, so between your husband and his brother, they need to come up with an alternative plan.
I think any discussion about this should come from a mindset of ‘we miss you, we haven’t seen you as much and we miss that connection’, rather than ‘why aren’t you acting like a grandma and matriarch’
YWNBTA.
But 2021 is still quite recent. I know it doesn’t look like that just by looking at numbers, but in terms of grief, yes it’s recent. She probs haven’t had the time she needs to process her grief.
You need to think about how your relationship with her will be when it’s just her. Remember that everything you do because “that’s what we used to do when her husband was alive” brings back her memories of him, wich she may have not processed fully yet. Christmas at hers is probs great for all of you, and for you it’s a way to honor him, and then you go home. She don’t get to do that, she gets a vert intense reminder of her beloved husband and how much she misses him, and then gets left alone with it in their home.
If you want a relationship with her, find the ways to do that in a way that is for wanting to be with her not because that’s how it was when husband was alive. Make new traditions with her, new activities with her, new relationship with her.
And then y’all can reminisce and honor him in beautiful ways when y’all have gotten to process the loss in the ways you need.
INFO – why wouldn’t your husband be the one to have this conversation with her?
NTA
It sounds like she needs therapy.
Did she only become this way after her husband died.
Is she scared of loving her grandchildren because what if something happens to them. She may think she would not be able to go on if she had another loss.
Is she trying to spare her grandchildren that pain? If they don’t know her, they won’t grieve when she dies.
Your husband needs to have a talk with her and explain how she is hurting him and her grandkids.
This isn’t a conversation, this is a letter outlining her behaviour and the consequences that will come when the children eventually lose interest, which they will. You can’t force her to spend time with them so just write in the letter that they miss her and if she carries on this way, they’ll eventually want nothing to do with her and it’s up to her to decide if that’s what she wants.
I’m wondering if this is how mil always felt but fil was there as a buffer. OP said fil was a kind family man who loved being surrounded by family. She doesn’t say THEY were like that just HE was like that. It seems to me like after mil dealt with her grief she realized she no longer had to do anything that she didn’t want to do. Son and OP should speak to her together and be prepared to accept mil’s decision. Not every woman wants to be the stereotypical grandmother.
YWBTA for confronting her but you’re NTA for wishing things were different. It’s the old rule of you cannot change someone but you can change your reaction to them. It’s time to speak gently about her to your kids, tell them she’s going thru something we cannot understand but we love and support her. Keep the lines of communication open. Send her cards and gifts for occasions. Then, look into volunteering in a retirement community to bridge the gap with your kids. They can learn life lessons from other older folks with time and desire to do so.