I have been involved in a situationship for some time that I’ve struggled to get out of. It is what it is and I am trying to just let things unfold naturally. I know deep down the best thing to do is just step back from him and redirect my energy into me.
My question is – how do you actually do this in practice? I struggle with attachment issues and have obsessed over men throughout my entire life. How the hell do you just stop with them and focus on yourself?! I know it’s possible, but I struggle to actually do it!
(edit – i am in therapy and i do have multiple hobbies, but still the struggle is real)
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Just rip the band-aid off. This is usually a self esteem issue for many of us, it stems from being socialized from birth to believe that male attention or acceptance somehow validates your existence.
Take an inventory of men who’ve burned you, not just romantic partners but maybe shitty domineering family members, coworkers, bosses. Think about how often some man has benefited from your low self esteem. Consider what you’ve ignored for yourself in order to hold on to some dusty man. Then focus on those things. Did you not take up a hobby because maybe it would cut into time with some dude who wasn’t worth it? Go pursue that hobby right now!
These aren’t actually things to be ashamed of even if they produce those feelings, but they can help you reassess how you view yourself. Wanting a partner is fine, but this can still be attained while taking care of your own desires first.
what are you running from, in yourself or about yourself, that focusing on men & throwing yourself into relationships allows you to ignore?
By knowing life is far more peaceful staying alone until I find the right one than wasting any more of my youth on trash men that only bring me emotional pain.
It’s easier said than done for many people and I respect that. All I’m saying, though, is try it out for 6 months or so and see for yourself!
I struggle with similar problems! Something that’s helped me is to think of your life like a jar that’s filled with many things. Romance/heartbreak is one of those things, but it’s just one. Think about what else you have in your jar: work, family, friends, hobbies, etc. Then focus on making those other things larger. You don’t have to eliminate romance/heartbreak; just try for more balance. Good luck 💜
Hi, I was the same. I was in a unhealthy relationship and because of my ADHD I was always on dating apps running from one date to the next. I always wanted someone in my life. Biggest BS ever. I don’t want a guy in my personal space and I don’t trust guys at all and I finally realised that most guys are just whiny assholes so at this point I need to go to therapy to work on my daddy issues and my hatred of men if I ever want to be in a healthy relationship. The fact is that asking yourself what you should do is a good first step and you have a long way to go. I would suggest that you forbid yourself from going on dating apps or meeting men in general. I did that for a while and it helped me to see things more clearly. Talk to friends, write in a diary, watch TV or take up a new hobby. You have to find yourself and be happy with yourself (I know this is a cliché but it is true). You are worth so much and you do not need another person to make you feel valid. Maybe find a concert you can go to by yourself or go on a short holiday. Just go on dates and feel yourself.
I grew up having low self-esteem and that stuck around until my early 30s. It’s hard to rip the band aid off because having someone around is nice.
But deep down, I don’t want a situationship nor a dead-end relationship. Realising that made me snap out of it and now I’m in my “being single is better than staying with a useless guy” phase.
My only regret was not ripping the band aid off sooner.
Great question. For me, I struggled the same like you. I did a lot of therapy to unpack and healed
/resolved quite a bit of trauma driving my preoccupation with having someone in my life.
What worked for me has been making a conscious decision to prioritize myself and my wellbeing over seeking a relationship. I focus on all the benefits of pouring into me. I have also spend a lot of time thinking about, if a man is to be in my life, what character, traits, skills, etc. does he need to posses.
I also just gave myself grace on days or moments when I was really struggling due to a lack of connection. I just reminded myself that I deserve the best life has to offer, and that my current life (peaceful, about me, etc) is better than being with a mediocre man.
I think it’s a constant mental and emotional redirection on our part until we think less of them.
ugh i mean if you like someone and they are kinda avoidant, of course that will make anyone crazy. my tactics while dating were to put a lot of rules around it to protect my self-esteem:
once things get more serious or if i get the sense that the other person is really making an effort or only really focusing on me, my priorities shift to accommodate them more into my schedule on a more frequent basis. but i don’t do that until we are exclusive tbh. like for example, i would never give up a friday or saturday evening for a fwb, that’s reserved for new dates or friends. if the new date sucks, i might have texted the fwb AFTER tho lmfao
First of all, don’t be ashamed that you’ve found yourself chasing men or in a pattern of centering men/relationships in your life. There is a very real likelihood that the reason you do this is because of something from your childhood. Some need that wasn’t met. Love that you never received when you really needed it. Give yourself grace and accept that there’s nothing inherently wrong with you for doing this.
I’m currently unpacking a lot of this stuff in therapy and learning the reason for why I have been so relationship focused has helped me heal from that stuff. If you’re like me, understanding why I am doing something can be a huge catalyst to growth.
I spent a lot of months crying and feeling so utterly alone. I truly believe you just have to get through the shittiness that comes with finally facing yourself. It is HARD. If you’ve been in and out of relationships for most of your adult life and have been focusing on others to avoid working on yourself, it can hurt so badly to shift that mindset. I don’t know exactly when it happened but I slowly started to enjoy being alone. It became peaceful. It felt so beautiful to be kind and loving to myself instead of putting that energy into another person.
You are already LOVE. You yourself. Love exists within you and there’s nothing you have to do or be in order to deserve that love. Choose yourself for once. Spoil yourself and give you what you need. I’m sure if you sit down and really think about it, there are so many things you want for yourself: whether that is a feeling (peace, completeness, detachment, wholeness), or something like health, or goals or hobbies. You deserve all of the love and energy you’ve been pouring into others.
I never fantasized about getting married. I did get married.
However, I’ve never chased men either. It’s just never been anything of interests. I was on my own at 18 and working full time to put myself through college full-time and I moved my dying grandmother in with me until I had to put her in hospice. I never got to the have the fun college days so I missed all the things that people with more supportive, loving families did in their youth.
I am divorced now and I don’t date and won’t date. I live alone and will never be in another relationship. I absolutely love living alone. It’s 7th heaven.
I don’t chase anyone. You’re not that interested in being my friend, I’m not going to force it. You’re not interested in dating me, then it’s best we don’t date. I don’t want a relationship. I want the right person. There is a major difference. Lots of people want a relationship, so they find a satisfactory person to have one with, but there are usually flags and incompatibilities, one of which can include one person being much more invested than the other. I’ve only had one relationship, only even kissed one person, and it lead to marriage. The marriage ultimately didn’t end because we became incompatible when my ex came out. I’m not remotely interested in most men. And if I’m interested in someone, but they’re not showing the same interest, I’m not going to waste time and energy on that.