As we’re sitting in the house for inspection I started to send my mom photos and being all excited then I remembered every time I do that she says “ok”
My relationship with my mother has always been weird, I’m the oldest. There’s so many things I’ve accomplished in life and she hasn’t even been a little enthusiastic. I got first chair all-city the same year I started playing the violin. I got on the varsity soccer team in sophomore year. I graduated salutatorian. I lost a baby and she FaceTimed me laying in bed.
I hate my mother but I have to love her. Deep down I know she doesn’t care and everyone around me knows too. One of my ex’s tried to fuck me up with the “your mother never loved you” line and I busted out laughing in his face.
Anyway, got off topic. If I wouldn’t have met my fiancé when I did, I’d be dead or on drugs somewhere. His family has shown me more love than I’ve ever known. They’re actually buying the house and we’re renting from them. Idk if that was enough context but his family is waaaay better off than mine.
I feel weird thinking this but I feel like my family (especially my mom) would be envious or think I’m boasting about everything I want to tell them when I genuinely want to share my excitement with the ones I love. It’s weird, I feel like maybe me not telling them made it all work out and fast too, we toured this house in the beginning of the month and we’re moving in the last week of the month. I feel like telling them is going to fuck something up.
I want to have parties, definitely a house warming, and invite them into my home but I’m afraid of being sabotaged or gaslit or played with when all I want is for them to be happy for me.
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You can’t control the actions or decisions of others. Your mother either will or will not be happy for you, unfortunately you cannot control that. I think a simple “Hey just so you know me and X are getting a house {Enter closing date}.” is appropriate. Then just play it from there if she responders with just “Okay,” or “congrats,” but no more I wouldn’t give her any more information until your house warming. If she asks questions answer them honestly. If she starts being shitty drop a “Hey sorry, I just wanted to let you know, but I’ve got backing and stuff to do,”
I’d think you can still totally have parties and a house warming party and anything you want and still invite them, like why would they need to know the intimate details of your life at this point? House warming party is as simple as we moved into a new house! Come celebrate with us! and then go into more details at the actual party if you want too/if they ask.
>Deep down I know she doesn’t care and everyone around me knows too
Why would you talk to her then if you hate her? Just isolate her from your life.
>If I wouldn’t have met my fiancé when I did
How is this house going to be split? I assume you aren’t married yet. You’re jumping the gun with this buy before getting married. And this is a huge deal especially if you’re not on the title and the bills aren’t split evenly when not married
> have parties, definitely a house warming, and invite them into my home but I’m afraid of being sabotaged or gaslit or played with when all I want is for them to be happy for me.
Do all those things but not with them.
You are dreaming of an experience with a kind of family you don’t have. The sooner you truly accept that and stop trying to create scenarios for them to show up for you, only to be disappointed they can’t/wont, the more at peace you will be.
If you’re looking for someone to be proud of you and share in this win – you know mom is not it. So don’t set yourself for hurt, pretty simple really.
All they need to know is you have a different address, if you ever invite them over again.
And if they ask why you didn’t share earlier be direct. “Historically, I don’t get positive feedback from you guys when I share my wins so I just wasn’t up for repeating that feeling of disappointment.”
If they argue or deny it, just say “I feel how I feel for a reason. If you can’t accept or respect that, you can see yourself out the door.”
Boundaries are your best friend with folks like these.
One thing I’ve always felt is that regardless of the other person, I’m not going to do the wrong thing. I’ll let them do the wrong thing, but I don’t want to. What this means is that you can invite her to your housewarming, and if she comes, great. If she doesn’t oh well. This doesn’t mean that you should be a pushover and repeatedly open yourself up to be hurt. What it means is that you do the right thing in terms of the minimum: You send out invitations to your housewarming, let her do with it what she will. But if she comes and gaslights you, you don’t have to keep opening yourself up to getting hurt, but at least you invited her to your home once. That’s all that you need to do.
I can’t speak for your mom’s feelings for you or lack there of, but I think you hit the nail on the head with the word ‘envious’. I’ve experienced the same thing with my mom and that’s been part of the issue.
You will find your tribe. Your mom, unfortunately, is not it and I know that hurts. But the sooner you accept it and move on, the better.
You don’t owe her anything. Parents choose to have kids, but kids don’t choose their parents. For your own mental health, it’s ok to distance yourself and respond to her the same way she responds to you.
She has bad energy and only hurts you. Don’t contact her. She doesn’t deserve such a wonderful child! Let her come around when she’s ready to be a real mom, with an apology and an explanation one day!
You need to seek therapy for these feelings about your mom because they will come up again and again each time you hit a major life milestone. When you get married, when you get pregnant etc. You need to develop strategies for dealing with the polarizing feelings you have for your mom.
In the meantime, you can have those parties and do normal things, but if you invite her and she makes you feel less than, you should distance yourself from her in the future.
Hey mom, “look at the new place we rented”
I have a similar feeling. My mom doesn’t care about my kids. She’s head over heels for my sibling’s kids, even though that sibling is no contact with her.
Recently, she talked about getting a pool for “the kids.” I asked her how she would get time for the kids to play in it if my sibling was NC with her. She looked offended and said not those kids. For half a second I thought she was finally thinking of my kids before she said it would be for the neighbors kids that sometimes come over.
I was heartbroken, but in a “I don’t want to be right” way. She will never be the mother I need her to be.
If/when you have kids and she snubbs them, will that be a final line for you? (I only ask because I wish Id asked myself when debating whether to keep no contact with my mother.)
You don’t “have” to love your mom. It’s okay.
I feel like you’re ungrateful to your mom.
Sometimes things that seem like a big deal in our lives shit aren’t big deals to other people.
Your mom sounds like my mom. One (minuscule- she’s terrible) example: I got a great job and shared it with her…. She was angry that someone “like me” could make more money than her and instead of being genuinely happy and proud, she was mean and outwardly jealous.
At 33 years old, I finally learned and accepted through therapy that she is a narcissist (a term tossed around a lot these days but she truly is, through and through). I went 100% no contact almost 7 years ago and I have no regrets. It was very hard for a long time and I grieved so many things. Even now I catch myself every so often thinking that I miss my mom and I have to quickly squash that shit because my mom is awful. I miss the idea of having a mom and I’m fortunate to have some very strong, healthy, loving mother figures in my life that I can connect with.
Being born into a family doesn’t make you obligated to have those people in your life.
Edited: wrong word
Mannnnnnn you can cut contact with your mother. You don’t gotta lover her
Only tell her if she asks!
Sometimes the healthiest thing to do is to walk away from the drama, neglect and abuse. After years of trying to please my abusive mother, I simply walked away. That was the best and healthiest decision I made and I have no regrets. 34 years ago. Sending hugs to you🤗
Sooo. You’re renting a house? Congratulations
Stay in your comfort zone. I am the eldest child as well and it took me DECADES to realize that I have an assigned role in my family’s dynamics (the doormat). I cheer myself up constantly by remembering that Paris Hilton did NOT tell her parents she was having a baby till the baby had already arrived. I agree with you that your mom will probably be envious. Don’t doubt yourself. My advice is to not bring up the subject of housing to your family anymore. Also, consider looking up the worksheets of Dialectical Behavior Therapy; this one in particular to assess how you and your family interact with one another: https://dbt.tools/interpersonal_effectiveness/give.php
Don’t say a word.
You are renting this house. Your mom doesn’t need to know who the landlords are.
NTA. I would feel the same way in your shoes.
I will say, nice flex on the guy who you laughed in his face at. I hope it caught him off guard.
You don’t have to love your mother. Having a child is not a guarantee of their love for you. Having an unloving parent is brutal. Set yourself free and be grateful to her for giving you life. That’s all she is owed from you.
I’m sorry, but your mom can’t give you what she doesn’t have. She doesn’t know how to love you, most likely because of her own emotional issues and past trauma.
So with that in mind, lower your expectations so you don’t feel so hurt. Go ahead and live your life and have a housewarming and parties and let her know but don’t expect much from her because you’ve never gotten much from her anyway.
See her as disconnected from life, because that’s what she is. She was the biological vessel that brought you into this world and that’s pretty much it. Once you internalize this, you won’t feel so bad.
Your line “I hate my mother but I have to love her” really struck me.
Coming from a random internet stranger: You really don’t have to.
As an adult, she may need to experience the consequences of her actions. No/Low contact is a very valid consequence for the damage she’s done to your life and psyche.
You do not need to be cruel to her or do things to hurt her intentionally out of revenge, BUT you also don’t need to include her unnecessarily or pretend you have a better relationship than you do just because you’re “supposed to love her”
I hope your decisions bring you and your new family peace!
Do a real party, then invite your family over after its done, like a few weeks. That will give you time to think if you really want them over after your real party.
To be honest, you should start to slowly stop communicating with her. Text less. Respond slowly. Don’t invite them to stuff unless you really want to.
See how that goes and then you will see how better off you are when your mother isn’t around.
I wasted a lot of my time in my youth on a mother like this. Spent my time wondering what was wrong with her, not focusing on building my own life.
Ten or twenty years from now you will realize just what a waste of time she is. I wish someone had told me this when I was your age. Focus on your new family and gradually decrease contact with a mother who does not give you the support you need or want. You don’t need her approval, stop wasting your time seeking it.
First of all, let me say, congratulations on the new house! What an exciting time for you and your fiance. You should be really proud of this, and even if your mom never is, I am proud of you! I understand you want to share big news with your loved ones, especially your mother, and I am deeply sorry that you can’t turn to yours for that. I know that pain all too well, and it sucks.
I know I’m just a rando internet stranger, but I am a mom, so anytime you want to share big news with someone who will cheer you on, please feel free to dm me. Also, I don’t know if you plan to have children in the future but something that helped me with my own past with my mother was doing everything in my power to give my son the kind of mother I didn’t have growing up. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made plenty of mistakes as a parent. But he’s never doubted for a minute that I love him and that I’m proud of him. The cycles of shitty parenting can be broken.
I wish you all the best, OP! I hope moving day goes great and you’re happy in your new home. You deserve peace and all the best things in life. ❤️
Mention it to your family, and their response is on them. You don’t have to love your mom. It’s hard to let go of that, but your life will be so much more peaceful when you let that go. Give your mom the same energy she gives you. If she calls you, then give her a call. If she turns down an invitation, don’t ask her why. If she is indifferent on a phone call, smile and say goodbye. Match her energy and no more.
Such good advice here. Mom may have given birth to you but may not have, or ever had,the capacity to nurture you. I was in my 50’s and finally met with a therapist who helped me see my mom (much like yours) wasn’t present in my life. I cut relations with my mother 12 years ago and am so happy and at peace.
If you want a little music therapy, the song Matilda by Harry Styles is a good one. 🩷
Your mom will never be happy, so she will never be happy for you. It is as simple and as complicated as that. Not caring about her happiness feels wrong but it is the only healthy thing you can do. She is responsible for her own feelings. You are responsible for your feelings. Send her a change of address via text or email. “We are moving to X address on Y date.” Invite her over when you have a housewarming, as if she is any other guest. Treat her with the same indifference that she treats you. Nothing you do will ever be enough, or good enough. It’s freeing when you accept it. You can do what you want without worrying whether or not she will say something positive about it. She won’t, so do what pleases you.
Hi Mom,
George and I moved. Feel free to visit. Here’s our new address…
Love,
thejiggybastard
This may sound woo woo, but I get inspiration from what I call my guides. Quite a few years ago they gave me this theory called the “consistency theory”. People are nothing if not consistent in their behaviors. We know that if we do A and B, they will do C almost every time. They are extremely consistent. So what this means for us is, we have a responsibility to ourselves to decide to react differently to their consistent behavior. That being said you also don’t have to have anything to do with her if you don’t want. You don’t have to tell them anything. But know that if you do, you will likely get exactly the behavior you’ve already described. And then it’s your job to not react to that any longer to be OK in the face of that. It feels like you’ve already been doing that but when you bring more conscious attention to it, it’s very empowering. The word that came through to describe this is equanimity. Look it up. It’s a nice word.
Be careful you’re not getting into another controlling situation with your in-laws owning the house you live in… do they get to just drop by? Do they get to stay over? Do they get to decide how it gets decorated?
OP- you are not closing on a house. Your fiancé’s relatives are doing so. You are renting a house.(I really recommend you get stuff in writing in case your relationship goes sour ).
If you want to tell your mother, the barebones reality is that you are moving into a rental house. Period end of sentence.
Why the constant need to be validated? Live & enjoy your life your way.
You might want to visit: r/emotionalneglect
It sounds like your mom might be a narcissist. And I know that term is thrown around a lot but I can confirm if she is by any past trauma she has experienced.
I studied the parent/child dynamic and relationship in college when I was working on my degree. Usually, a narcissist parent creates children that are extreme people pleasers. It’s not a bad thing but it can definitely hurt the kid in the long run. You sound like you accept your mom’s personality and you have boundaries in place to protect yourself. This is good.
If you want to share the house experience with her but think there will be some jealousy, bitterness, etc you are most likely correct. A narcissist parent sees their same sex child as competition, once she no longer controls you that shift in the relationship goes from your mom getting attention and adoration from you(selfish behavior) to a more competitive type dynamic where you are now a threat to her getting the attention. Anything you do that is worthy of praise and congrats will be met with contempt from your mom. Now, I’m speculating here because I don’t know your history or anything. But if your mom truly is a narcissist it is almost impossible to get her to show genuine pride and happiness for your accomplishments. But guess what, you don’t need her approval. You are grown now and sound like you are thriving. Many ppl who truly care about you will easily show it.
If I were in your shoes, I’d wait awhile to tell her or any other potential toxic family. Moving into a new place is stressful as it is. Don’t add to the burden with unneeded BS.
And good job! What a great milestone you have reached! A great therapist once told me that the one great thing that narcissists create is super ambitious kids, they usually become highly successful because of trying to earn the love they needed. It sucks. But it’s also something that can be used for good😉
Don’t invite her.
It took us four years to find our home – VHCOL area, half of all sales in our zip code were all-cash, massive competition. I realized at one point that my mother was ABSOLUTELY GLEEFUL when we lost out on a house we’d bid on twice (Realtor used us as a cats paw to start a bidding war) and it hit me… she is never happy when good things happen to me. She loves it when I’m going through hard times, but she is NEVER happy for me.
Well, OK then. Not like there’s anything I can do to change that.
We finally got our dream home four years ago. She has never set foot in it, and she never will. I’m firmly no contact. My dad refuses to come visit without her, and that’s a shame, but that’s his choice.
Enjoy your new home with your friends and found-family who truly have your back.
I think you should definetly invite them but brace yourself on whether she comes or not and her reaction when she does come.
I don’t think all mothers are meant to be mothers but that’s ok, but you seem to have grown up wonderfully without an emotionally present one.
Keep being the better person, you got this.
I’m so sorry. I understand how you feel. My mother was never very affectionate. She never had me cuddle up next to her to watch a movie or read to me. She didn’t attend any sporting event. She was the same way to my sisters, but they didn’t let her coldness bother them while it really hurt me. When we all had children, she openly adored my son, but she still would not attend anything he participated in. Same with my sister’s kids. I have no idea why she refused to go to a soccer game or dance recital. I even tried to talk to her about it when I was 7 years old. I asked her why she didn’t like me. She laughed. She just said I treat all three of you the same. She did, but it was a very hands off way of treating all of us. I became the opposite kind of mother to my son.
I recommend you just stop trying. Or at least start working toward no longer trying to get positive attention from her. Like my mother, she just doesn’t have it in her. My son noticed how my mother was and the best we could come up with was that she was English. Her own mother was very standoffish too. I guess many English feel very uncomfortable openly expressing themselves.
Hi! For what it’s worth, as a surrogate dad to a lot of folks, I’m just so excited for you! You have your first home! You are your fiance are starting a life, a FAMILY! Oh my gosh! I’m so happy for you. You’re doing amazing. And anyone who can’t be happy for you can go pound sand
Blood relative is not the same as Family. You don’t have the love her if she’s unloveable.
You can always go no contact, and give everything you got to your new family.
See…. Once we find a partner in life you are promising that all your future decisions will be for the benefit and betterment of your spouse and even more so if you have kids.
If your “mother” only ever brought you grief. You are actually doing what you are supposed to do by keeping that poison away from the person you love.
Are you my sister? I think we have the same Mom.
My mom never shows enthusiasm. I’m 52 and she is 88 and I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve heard her laugh.
“I hate my mother but I have to love her.” No… you absolutely do not have to love her, care about her or respect her.
I never heard my parents say I am proud of you ” Good job or anything that was positive or reaffirming. I find more joy in my accomplishments because I know what I did, and I did it myself. I am proud of myself, and that is enough.
FWIW I’m a mom and I am very happy for you!
I will never understand how people can treat their kids so coldly, I always imagine something terrible must’ve happened to them. Regardless of that it is her responsibility to get well so she can be there for you. Until then, keep your expectations low and don’t take it personally. People are usually doing their best and unfortunately this is her doing her best.
Congratulations on your house!
It’s important that you let nothing get in the way of your personal growth, even if it means you don’t tell people you love something until AFTER you’ve done it so they don’t sabotage or drain you.
With that being said, you need therapy and hopefully that leads to a positive confrontation where you can have a productive conversation with your mom. Your mother may have her own untreated issues that lead her to not being able to express to you properly or celebrate you properly. There’s the possibility she is exactly who you think she is just as much as there may be more to the story. Remember she had an entire, complex life before you were even born.
Even so, you can’t inherit her doubt or problems as an adult. Use the positivity you’ve gained and if your family continues to underperform set boundaries accordingly. Good luck
Ok say your Renting
You’re renting and that’s all you should share. They don’t need to know the details especially if it will cause resentment. Basic Rules of Life: Never discuss finances. Never loan or borrow. Never co-sign for anything. Happiness comes from being smart and avoiding drama. Congratulations 🎈
Girl same. I could tell my family that I just drove my car off a cliff and landed in a mountain of money and they would reply with “ok”.
And I play violin. Are you me?
I surround myself with Hype men. I have my people. I love my family but I know where to go with excitement.
Tell your family just so they know, but expect ZERO. Expectations breed resentment.
Your mother gave birth to you but that doesn’t give her the PRIVILEGE of access to you.
I would tell the people who have been excited for you in the past. She has shown she doesn’t care so she can read it on a Facebook post, with the rest of the world.
I would LOVE for her to send you a text, all mad about finding about the house from someone else and you just answer “OK”
I know how you feel. It’s a hard spot. I do believe your mother loves you in her way. How could she not? She’s a mother. Maybe consider something I had to ponder. On 2 separate occasions, years apart, and by 2 different people, I have been told “Your mother is jealous of you.” I never, for the life of me, understood how a mother could be jealous of her own child. I am not jealous of my daughter. I couldn’t even imagine it, but apparently, it can be a thing. It’s gotten better the older we both have gotten.
She will do and say things you don’t understand. It will hurt. Just remember, it’s not about you. It’s HER problem.
Never give real people the expectations only your dream family meets
People are always going to disappoint and let us down. And we will let people down also. It is called human frailty. Seems your mom is full of it. So put her on a information diet or go NC. Focus on the ones who care for you.
Interesting. Have you ever asked her about this? Or do you feel uncomfortable with doing that?