Three years ago, I moved to the city where my partner has been living for 6+ years. We got an apartment together and we’ve been living here happily. He has a handful of friends — mostly entrepreneurs — that we regularly hang out with. Over the last three years, I’ve been invited to many dinners, birthdays, and even Christmas gatherings with them. I genuinely like some of these people and have had great conversations, especially about entrepreneurship, self-improvement, and projects (I’m entrepreneurial too).
But here’s the thing that’s been bothering me: once one of the guys becomes single, I stop being invited to the meetups altogether. My partner will say something like, “Well, now it’s just the guy(s) — it wouldn’t make sense for you to join.”
I find this super frustrating. It feels like I was only welcome as long as there was another girlfriend/woman around to balance things out — like I was just a “plus one” rather than being seen as a friend or an interesting person in my own right. I’ve shared meals, conversations, and experiences with these people for years. But the moment the group dynamic becomes “just the guys,” I’m apparently not relevant anymore.
It also affects my relationship. When I’m excluded, my partner just gives me a vague summary afterwards and I feel completely left out — both socially and relationally. These are the types of conversations I like being part of. I enjoy discussing business and ideas with people, not just because it helps me grow, but because it makes me feel more connected to him too.
Is this a common thing (anyone else experience this)? Has anyone else experienced this “boys club” exclusion once the couple dynamic fades from the group? Am I missing something here?
Edit: Oops, sorry, I wasn’t clear about something here. I am not trying to invite myself over to a ‘guys night’ with a bunch of guys (I honestly would not like that). What I mean is that over 3 years there are a lot of double date instances where you become friends, and then once the other couple break up, they disappear from your life cause you no longer get invited because there are no double dates anymore. So when my partner does go and meet up with them, he comes home and he talks about the person and I ask questions in return. I see these people as friends.
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Do you have friends of your own?
I dunno, if I’m hanging with my girl friends it would be socially tone deaf as hell to drag my husband in. Generally, when I’ve had exes that pouted about not being invited to our girl hangs, I’ve felt like they were extremely clingy and needed to get a life/friend group of their own outside of me. I don’t butt into my husband’s guy hangs now either, but we both try to bring each other to any mixed-gender outings.
Well youre not their friend so yeah when it no longer makes sense for you to attend they dont invite you. It makes sense
You need friends of your own. It’s weird that you would even ask for summary of the conversations that has happened between your partner and his friends. And it would be weird if you would be only partner there. It’s normal that sometimes you would be invited and sometimes it’s just guys.
If you’ve really gotten to know his friends and want to hang out with them more, why not initiate hang-outs with them and not just through your partner? If your answer is no you can’t do that, then maybe you are just plus-one status with them.
I’ve gotten to a place with some of my partner’s friends where they are my friends now too and I hang out with them without him, and he hangs out with them without me. But there are other friends of his where I only hang out with them when my partner invites me.
Recently, one of them ended a long-term relationship. So a group of them have been hanging out recently without their partners, including me. And that’s totally fine with me. I know it’s not forever. I’m also trying to find time to hang out with the newly single friend one-on-one.
Your male partner has a group of male friends that he’s close to. Sometimes they invite their partners along, sometimes they don’t, but the group is fundamentally a bunch of guys who hang out.
You will never be in the centre of that group, and it’s not because it’s “a boy’s club”, it’s because it’s his friend group that he has found, established, and invested into.
You enjoy talking about these entrepreneurial things? Go find women to talk to about this. Create your own group of female friends. You’ll find that sometimes you want the husbands and boyfriends around, and sometimes you don’t.
Do you ever hang out with any of the friends on your own?
It’s interesting that you’re confused since you’ve explicitly recognized that there IS in fact a “couple dynamic” present in these friendships. If the couple dynamic fades, why would you, as part of the couple, be immune to that?
It really sounds like you’re taking something that has nothing to do with you very personally. It is perfectly acceptable for people in couples to have their own friend groups where they SOMETIMES include their partner and SOMETIMES do not. It is a very inner child reaction to deem this perfectly normal ebb & flow with someone else’s friendships to mean you are “Excluded” or “Not relevant”.
You can absolutely be a “plus one” AND an interesting valuable person that they enjoy being with. They aren’t mutually exclusive.
It sounds like you could benefit from exploring your attachment style, and asking yourself WHY you are taking this so personally and even letting it affect your relationship. Your reaction is about you — their behaviour is completely normal.
Do you ever hang out with the guys without your boyfriend present? Do they personally invite you?
They are his friends. It’s normal for them to have guy-only hangouts. It’s nice of them to invite you when it’s appropriate for the group setting, but you are not owed access to them just because you enjoy their company.
> i was only welcome if another girlfriend was around
Yes… that’s completely normal. Friend time is different than friends and partners time.
You need your own friends and shouldn’t expect to attain true friend status with your partners friends.
This seems normal. They’re his friends.
Even though you’re now friends with them too, it’s really because of your connection through him. If you guys were to ever break up, they would likely continue being friends with just him.
I’m from arab country where life is mostly segregated. I’m here to give a different perspective, we never hang out with our husband’s friends…. Like ever. No mixed small events or activities.
We have our own groups of family or girlfriends and we hang out. We are happy to find comfort in ourselves as a couple outside of our friend dynamics.
If you’ve never hung out with any of these guys one on one, then they’re not really your friends OP. It’s not really a “boy’s club” thing because this happens when the genders are reversed too. I’d recommend finding some friends of your own outside of your BF’s social circle.
This is the other side of the “my friend can’t ever leave her partner side and must bring them to every girl night and how do we tell her her partner is a perfectly fine person but we aren’t close to them and can’t talk deep topic when they’re here”.
OP, please get your own friends of whatever gender, but make sure they’re your friends first. Honestly i don’t like how friends will assume we are comfortable with their partner being at close friends only occasions, we are not their (close) friends! They’re very nice, lovely people but we are just acquaintances through our friends, I’m not interested in discuss personal stuffs when they’re there. I had to distance a few friends because of this (and they tell their partners our secrets too because couple!!!!! Can’t hide from their so!!!!!! Which is rude af so fine, bye).
This is why I don’t do / prioritize couple friends. The nature of couple friends is that you’re chosen for your relationship to another person and not for yourself. There are exceptions of course but I prefer to nurture my own friendships and friend groups. I understand when I’m hanging with my partners friends that I’m a plus one and while we like each other, the priority is their relationship. Likewise when my friends and I get together it’s either “all partners are welcome” or “no partners for this one” – it’s not based on who we like most of the partners as that’s a sticky situation. If someone in the group is single they are more likely to choose “no partners” so as not to be the odd one out .
It’s either one of two things happening:
Or –
I have my own friends outside of his and try to alternate between couples meetings and allowing him and me to have just girls or guys time without each other. I definitely had one new friend that I’m pretty sure I lost because my husband thought she was really cool and kept tagging along, even though she probably just wanted some girl talk more often. I poorly navigated expressing that to him. When I tried to explain it, he thought it meant she didn’t like him and that wasn’t true. But when I invited him along (with her agreeing, but I got the vibe she preferred not) then she cancelled our hangout and we haven’t connected since.
Those things are tricky to navigate so o don’t think there’s an easy answer
Crickets from OP 😆
I am not a fan of people who bring their partners to everything, I find “joined at the hip” couples really tedious.
Sometimes it’s not about “guys’ night” or whatever. I just think original friend hangs should happen from time to time and a partner with healthy attachment would say “go, have fun” and mean it. You don’t have to be invited to everything and I wonder if you expect that.
I’m a big fan of couples who have their independent friendships and only meet all together sometimes. I would be saying “hell no” to any partner who expected to come along whenever I see my friends.
It’s pretty normal. Whoever was friends with the group /person first retains those friends unless they did something unfeasable that makes the friends distrust /dislike them enough to choose the partner.
It’s a pretty standard dynamic and has nothing to do with you. The dynamic just shifts when someone loses a partner, and if it doesn’t, then naturally that person gets cut off from their friend group because they’re always the third/fifth/seventh wheel among a sea of happy couples, and that blows a ton. If one of my lady friends goes through a breakup, I bring my husband around to hang outs occasionally, but mostly it just shifts back to girl time.
I think this is normal. Probably not what you wanted to hear as like you said you’ve enjoyed the conversations etc.
I think it would be a good idea to build your own friendships outside of your partner
You don’t need to be present every single time he meets his friends. You may have gotten to know them but you simply do not have the same history with them that he does and it is unfair to expect to be invited along every friend meetups they have. Honestly, it’s not healthy to always meet up partnered either. This is not about you. This is about your partner being a loyal friend and having some independence. Those are good traits to have!
Honestly, it sounds to me like you need to do some work to build up your independence. Branch out a bit with some independent projects and meet new people on your own.
I get why you’d be disappointed that your friendship with these men is so conditional – it’s totally fair to feel bummed that they don’t see you the way you see them.
That being said, it’s not fair to feel entitled to their friendship on your terms and then punish your partner for it (you saying that it impacts your relationship with your partner is bonkers). You gotta just accept it and find friends that can reciprocate.
There are no more double dates because no one else has a partner now. These guys see themselves as your partner’s friends primarily which is normal. You need to make your own friends. I don’t even understand why you would want to be the only woman in a “guys night” where the guys go way back.
Are you charismatic and bring something fun to the group. Being an outsider is hard but being a boring one is a death sentence.
There’s 2 solutions to this problem, even though I wouldn’t call it a problem myself: either talk to your partner and initiate hangouts at your place if possible, and/or find your own friends. I’d argue to do the second one regardless if you try the first.
The first option would include you in their friend group. If you want to host them over and join in, as long as it’s cool with your partner (it’s his friends after all), then do so. But, respect guy time. It’s weird hanging out with a bunch of girlfriends and there’s that one girl that brings the partner to everything; same thing.
The second option, and the one you should do whether you do the first option or not, is to find your own friends whose interests align with yours. Love working out? Take classes or join a rec league. Love to read? Join a book club. Finding friends as an adult is hard, and I get that, but it’s possible
It is valid for you to feel excluded. It sucks feeling like you never actually were invited in the first place, and you were just there so the girlfriends could keep each other company, when you thought these were deeper friendships.
Give yourself grace to feel that way, but also take the advice everyone is giving you and make sure you have your own social network that is separate from your partner.
Your partner’s friends are conditional friends. That’s just how it is.
To answer your title question – yes. But I’m not bothered by it. I like he has his own friends that do their own things. I love spending time with them as well but I also love spending time with my friends without him.
Idk, when I make plans with my friends one of the questions we always ask each other is “are the husbands invited or nah?”. They are not automatically invited. At this point I would say I’m friends with my friends’ husbands, but at the end of the day, it’s not the same type of friendship. I don’t have an individual friendship with my friends’ husbands, I don’t hang out with them separately or have ongoing text chats with them. We are friends via being important to the same mutual person. I’m assuming you’re not individual friends with your boyfriend’s friends – you know them because you’re both important people to your boyfriend.
I know for sure that I can’t talk as deeply and openly with my friends if one of their husband’s is present, because I’m not that close with the husband. Nurturing friendships is an extremely important aspect of our mental wellbeing as humans. Let your husband have his friend time.
The real solution here is for you to find your own friends in this new city.
This is completely normal and to be expected.
My girlfriends and I have a “granny night” where we bring snacks and crafts and chat together. It would be extremely weird if I brought my male partner to that….