Sorry this is long randomly
I have been with my boyfriend for only 1.5 years but we’ve been friends for 10+ years (and when I say friends I mean in the same social circle, and seeing each other at parties and get togethers several times a year). The very beginning was really fun, full of dates and bars nights and just excitement from being friends for so long and now finally dating. but I think it’s because we have been friends for so long that we fell quickly into the “comfortable” stage. I moved in after about 5 months of dating, and now we are in that married couple routine of getting home from work, eating dinner, watching tv or playing video games, go to bed. We’ll go out for date nights once a week (usually Friday or Saturday) but while I ALWAYS look forward to those because I’m bored from being a homebody all week, that too is always just same old. To save money we’ll usually eat dinner at home, then uber to a pub or bar for drinks, bowling, arcade, etc.
What I really miss though in the beginning stages of dating (and with any man), is the excitement of putting on makeup, getting dressed up, and meeting AT the bar. I was always the one who arrived first so I can get seated, fix my hair, order a drink and just relax for 10 minutes before they arrive, he walks in, we giddily smile at each other, and just spend the night conversing, getting to know each other, laughing, and getting drunk lol I miss that so much. Not necessarily with random men online because while the initial 30 minutes of the date was always exciting, more often than not I quickly learn that we’re not compatible. I mainly miss it with my current boyfriend (because I am so in love and obsessed with him lol)
but again, we have fallen into this routine, and while I love the routine with him, I crave the beginning excitement, and I don’t believe that should die just because we’ve been together for however long. It IS only 1.5 years after all. He’s also not the most affectionate and romantic, or even sexual anymore, but when I read back on texts at the beginning, it fills my heart with joy and butterflies because his texts were just so flirty and cute, something we don’t really do anymore. He was also much less of a workaholic than he is now, very dedicated to his career, so I feel that distracts him a lot. and before anyone suggests he doesn’t like me anymore, I know he loves me. His love language is acts of service and quality time and he does both for me. He takes care of me and makes sure I am comfortable and happy while working on our intimacy and affection issues.
Anyway, what do you guys do to keep that fire alive? Or to have that beginning stages excitement? Especially with a man who is a lot less flirty with you compared to the beginning? I kinda want to do this really cringy silly, almost role playing, of us meeting up AT the bar one night (opposed to arriving together), and just pretend we’re on a first or second date lol no phones, no watching the bar tv, just pretending we’re getting to know each other all over again, by either asking random conversational topical questions or fun silly questions or I don’t know! It sounds stupid.
I just remember one night YEARS ago before dating, we were all at a party together, and I was going to uber home but boyfriend said we should uber together to save money, that we’ll uber to his place first then I can uber home (so really I’d be saving money), and he said I should come up for a drink first which I did, but the problem was is that my friend had dated him in high school, and I didn’t want to break any girl code (she’s super supportive of our relationship now lol) but still, I am a good friend and didn’t want to risk that, so we’re having that drink while I am going to order an uber and the sexual tension was FIERCE. We just were so fun and flirty and we’d have sex right there on that counter if I allowed it, but I ordered my uber and went home instead. and I regret that every single day of my life lol
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I feel this one. I love my man so bad and am so happy with him. but I do miss the excitement and tension and flirtiness of dating him in the beginning. it’s gotten so relaxed that sometimes i’m even too shy to get too freaky or initiate something different, inside and outside of sex lol
I think you just need to talk to him about this and go for some of your ideas.
There’s nothing cringy about meeting up and recreating that first date feel, that sounds fun to me!
Brainstorm with your BF about what kind of things would be fun for you two to rebuild that spark and have more fun together. He’ll probably be excited about it too.
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I totally get it. My husband and I are the biggest homebodies, there is nothing I love better than our dinner, tv/video games, bedtime routine but I work from home most of the time and I get bored and want to go do things that involve me putting on makeup and something other than sweatpants. We’ve started booking ourselves to do things (dinner reservations, concert tickets) ahead of time so that we know date nights are happening and neither of us can decide at the last minute we don’t feel like going and would prefer to just stay home. My husband doesn’t really like choosing stuff but after I got us tickets to a few concerts for bands I like he picked out a band he wanted to go see. I also just tell him about every new restaurant I hear about and he gets excited to take me somewhere I want to go while still sort of getting to choose. I think the biggest thing for us was me putting in more work for the change I wanted in the beginning. Was it fair? Maybe not but I also know that things weren’t going to change just because I wanted them to and I also know that he loves me and wants to do things that make me happy. I think you should tell your boyfriend you want to go and pretend you’re on a first date- I don’t think it’s cringey, I think it’s cute and if your boyfriend loves you, he will also want to do this for you.
This has happened to me in past long-term relationships. I’ve been with my current partner for 3 years now and this hasn’t happened yet. We’re both just as excited and passionate now as we were when we first started dating. Things are certainly different know—we know each other so well, we live together, etc.—but we’ve both put in effort to keep things exciting. At the same time, it hasn’t been hard work either. We see it as fun playtime.
I agree with other commenters that you need to discuss this with your partner and come up with ideas together. But a couple things stood out to me.
One, it’s not cringe to meet up at a bar separately, or try to role play being on a first date! My partner and I have done this a few times. We both work from home, so I do sometimes miss the excitement of looking forward to seeing him at the bar. Or sometimes he’ll leave for an errand or something, then come back home as if he’s picking me up for the date. Or sometimes we’ll do what we used to do often in those early dates: he’d come over, we’d hook up immediately, then we head to dinner.
Second, don’t do any phones or TV watching on date night or any dedicated time you two have together, like when you’re eating meals together or catching up after a long day. Date nights are great and much needed, but being present on the day to day is just as important if not more so.
There are books for fun adventure dates that you can do. It breaks them down by cost, time, location but the full info is hidden under a scratch off.
Pick a time and do one and then complete as many as you can.
Modern family had an ongoing storyline of Phil & his wife cosplaying where they would have a different persona and meet at a bar.
Start sending flirty texts to your boyfriend and see what happens.
Check out date ideas on Pinterest. There are thousands of them.
Why don’t you take one week break and go on a trip with your friend or something? I feel like that might help
Damn I feel this in my bones because I am in a similar spot with my BF of 2.5 years. I love him so much, and consider myself lucky to have such an amazing partner, but I also feel like after now living together for over a year at times we’re very much in the comfortable phase you describe here, so I’m also following this thread for ideas lol
I’ll share one other idea that I havent seen here yet. Idk if either of you are the outdoorsy/camping types, but I have found that a few nights of camping and hiking go a long way in reigniting that spark and bringing us closer to each other. We take a complete break from technology/the internet and it makes for a great reset where we can focus on each other and step outside our comfort zone. I find just being surrounded by beautiful nature and “surviving together” strikes these very human feelings inside and may give you new appreciation and admiration for each other. Our conversations are deeper, we learn new things about each other, and it breaks us out of the comfort and monotony of our home life. Might be something to consider for a long weekend trip especially with the weather getting nice this time of year
It sounds like you already have some good ideas, why not try those out?
My partner and I do date night every week, with one of us choosing the event/venue/activity every other week. One of the “rules” is that we don’t let on what it’s going to be, only sharing the bare minimum information to help decide what to wear (will it be outdoors, indoors, lots of walking, barely any walking etc). My partner’s also really good about putting his phone away and focusing on me, and nudges me to do the same if he catches me on my phone lol.
Also, even though I work from home and we’re both not super social people, we spend a fair number of evenings doing things separate from one another, like workout/fitness classes, meeting up with friends, hobbies like mountain biking or board games. That way, even when we’re just eating dinner together at home, it’s not super boring.
Maybe don’t see each other for a week and then meet up for a date? An ex and I did that once and it was sooo nice to reconnect.
Idk if the beginning butterflies ever come back but gosh I wish they could last forever!