So for some context my mother-in-law (53) has known her ex-boyfriend since she was in high school, but they only began dating about 10 years ago, around the same time my husband (28) and I (27) got together. He is also not my husband’s father. Since then my husband and I have had three children and my MIL and her boyfriend were both wonderful grandparents to our kids.
Over the last couple of years their relationship has been devolving and she would confide in me about the issues that they were having and on occasion it would come up from me or my husband that if they were to break up that we would still continue to let her boyfriend be in our children’s lives even though he wasn’t technically biologically their grandfather. It clearly made her uncomfortable or irritated but she said she would understand if that ever were to happen. We even asked her when our children were born if he would be called Grandpa by the kids and she said yes, absolutely which is why we adopted him fully into that role. They both are great in the kids lives.
Now this year they have broken up since she discovered that he was secretly smoking weed behind her back. Which we fully supported her ending the relationship. To break it down I think that she was a harsh personality that didn’t cultivate a very safe space for someone to land or grow and he was a broken guy who used deceitful tactics to avoid hard conversions. In the relationship they both manipulated each other in my opinion. So although I blame him for the final demise of the relationship because of his choice to lie, I do think they both played a hand in how it went. We again reiterated that he would be allowed to continue to see the children if he wished to after our daughter came to us crying because she feared she would never see her grandfather again.
My MIL sat on that information for a little bit and after a few weeks she approached us very upset saying that she needed to talk with us and she explained that us letting the children see her ex-boyfriend would be deeply inappropriate and invalidating to her and validating to him and a massive betrayal of loyalty to her. both and she and my husband became defensive in the conversion and they both communicated very poorly. my husband is also accountable for that, and my husband sent her a message later to apologize for him being defensive and to let her know that we thought we were doing what’s right for our kids and that we have no intention of hurting her or being cruel to her.
Shes kind of been giving the silent treatment, she never responded to his message but has been texting me long messages mostly revolving around her needing to do whats best for her wellbeing. She is still very upset saying it must be a deep seeded form of resentment my husband feels toward her for things that happened in his childhood and that we just couldn’t see it and how inappropriate we are being because we are just too young to know what it’s like because we’ve never been divorced or really had any kind of break up really.
She knows I was physical abused as a child, and she accused me of not knowing what heartbreak feels like and I tried to tell her I believe I do know heartbreak but just from a different perspective, quoting when my dad left when I was a kid and she told me “thats not the same because you were a child” I feel like I kind of get what she’s trying to say but its just really hurtful. She keeps telling me that when we’re older we will understand. I’ve conceded that it’s true we don’t have the experiences that she’s had but that we’re just doing what we think is right and that we’re trying to do it respectfully.
but I have this guilt in the back of my head saying maybe I’m completely misguided in what we’re doing. I really need help because we wanted to minimize the impact on the kids but if this destroys the relationship with my mother in law then we’re not doing a good job of accomplishing that. Please help me ðŸ˜
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I don’t understand what your mother-in-law expects the two of you to do. It’s one thing if she doesn’t want to be around him. They don’t both have to be in the same room together to both be involved in the kid’s lives. I honestly think she’s overstepping a boundary on this one. I understand that she’s in pain but her controlling what you do with your kids and who you allow them to see; has nothing to do with her grieving the loss of her relationship. I find it interesting that she is saying that she feels betrayed because in a way she’s betraying the kids to force them to not see the only grandfather that they know.
Yeah, grandfathers are great, and your kids need that, more than she needs to be right, here
I divorced my kids dad when they were 4-13 and after a year or so remarried. Their stepdad and I were together for 5 years then divorced. They would invite their stepdad to crawfish boils and other get together and he did the same. I never had a problem with them wanting to invite him. They still talk to him every now and then and it’s been 15 years. They can do what they want they are adults
All I can say is this. I found it deeply hurtful that my mother and sister chose to continue to have a relationship with my ex-husband after our divorce. That man devastated me emotionally and financially. I never fully understood their decision to do so. I could never fathom how they would chose to remain close to someone who wounded me so deeply. One would expect family to be on one’s side.
I know if my kids ever got divorced, I would back them up and support them unconditionally. I have never tried to stay in touch with any of their ex-girlfriends or boy friends.
It’s not the same as her heartbreak. But that’s your whole point! This is about your children and trying to prevent their heartache. Not hers.
She’s a grown woman responsible for her own feelings. You are protecting the children that she encouraged her BF to become Grandpa to. If she doesn’t get that, I’m sorry her feelings are hurt but that doesn’t mean your children should lose their grandfather figure.
Keep the kids’ grandpa in their lives. My grandmother’s second husband was wonderful to us kids, but she was a narcissist and the marriage collapsed. We missed our “Grandpa” a lot, and I still do 60+ years later. Don’t do that to your kids if he’s good to them.
It is highly irregular to keep a non-blood related ex in continued contact with the children.
Everyone’s situation is different I understand, and you know what is best for your family.
This is why I don’t conduct the emotional business of my life via text, it’s just asking for trouble.
I suggest you model more mature behavior, she’ll hopefully learn from your example.
Texting is for smart ass comments and logistics, it not for sorting out complicated family dynamics.
She didn’t reply to his message so she’s lost her privileges to send you long messages with her side of the story as far as I’m concerned.
People trying to have it both ways gives me a backbone — I’d tell her this is not a conversation I’m going to have via text and then if she continues to use me as a diary, it’d go in one eyehole and out the other.
At some point we can end up becoming the parents and you have to let people cry in their cribs. She needs you and I am pretty sure she’ll come around, it’s on her for not having a stronger support network that she relied on her DIL for so much — someone who is emotionally invested in the situation.
It might just take time, I suggest working really hard on being patient and non-reactionary.
And I know smoking weed isn’t *that* big a deal per se, but I assume the plan is to visit him with the kids — not going to have him babysit or anything?
Also keep in mind that she is most likely dealing with menopause and menopause can do a number on your emotions. I know it’s not easy but I suggest calling on every ounce of your compassion to not take it personally and to hope for the best/not assume that how things are now is how they’ll be forever.
She just lost a form of stability in her life, during menopause, during a particularly tumultuous time in society. Her mind might be frantically trying to figure out how to protect itself because I can only imagine the emotions that are coming up for her — you two are convenient scapegoats for her emotional tumult.
sample dialogue:
“your immaturity due to age is making you behave inappropriately”
“your break up in keeping you from thinking of the kids’ best interest”
But that is a conversation that happens in person. Make people look you in the eyes when they’re going back on their word.
As an old person, quit being so diplomatic. This is about one thing and one thing only…your kids. It’s best for your kids to know their grandpa. Full stop. The rest is just noise by what sounds like a very manipulative woman.
Wait- you’re being accused of being inappropriate by someone who let weed ruin their relationship? Who only thinks of herself and not your kids? Who told you that you don’t understand heartbreak even though you were abused as a child? Honey, go back and read what you wrote. You’re not the one.
Her opinion on the relationships between other grown humans is irrelevant. You can have a relationship with her that’s totally separate from your relationship with her ex, which will help everyone be more comfortable. If she wants information about him or his interactions with your family, decline to answer. Similarly, don’t give him information about her. If she is insistent, set a boundary (this topic isn’t up for discussion) and enforce it (since the topic came up again, the call/visit/conversation is over). Your kids deserve as many positive adult role models as possible in their lives!
Your MIL is obviously hurt and grieving the demise of her relationship. She feels wronged by her ex, and knowing that her family continues to have a relationship with the man who hurt her, feels like another betrayal. Life is hard, and at the end of the day, most of us look to our family for a sense of unconditional love and a soft place to land. We take comfort in the loyalty that comes with family. Except she isn’t able to feel that because all of you still have a relationship with him.
You’re thinking of your children’s wellbeing and that’s what parents should do. However, try and put yourself in your MIL’s shoes. It doesn’t cost you or your husband anything to empathize with your MIL, reassure her of her place in your family, and simply understand how hard it must be for her to be in the position she’s in. I’m certain when she agreed to her ex being grandpa, she thought they’d be together forever. However, she did make the choice and now she has to own the ramifications. If he’s a good person, trustworthy and loving to the kids, and wants to be apart of their lives, then do what feels right to you and your husband. Eventually though, once he realizes he’s not getting back with your MIL, he may lose interest in the kids.
I think it’s demeaning to you and your husband for your MIL to assume you don’t know much about life. However, life does tend to teach people who are willing to learn, and it’s not unheard of that your MIL may know more than you in regard to relationships or the fallout of them being that she’s lived longer than both of you. That doesn’t mean you are too young to understand loss though because you obviously do! What you don’t understand though is what she’s experiencing with the loss of her relationship and the hurt of knowing her family has split loyalties. Love her, try to be compassionate and understanding, and hopefully she’ll come to accept that all of you still love her.