There are so many factors that can be at play. Personally, the biggest factor for me was emotional development. When I was in my late teens/early 20s I cheated on two different partners. It wasn’t that I didn’t care for those people, I did. However, I truly wasn’t mature enough to realize the consequences of my actions on all sides, if that makes sense. I’m in my early 30s now and have been in a stable committed relationship for 8 years but it took therapy and growth to get to where I am now. I regret causing the pain I did.
It’s much more complicated than that. I’ve also (and still do) felt horrible when noticing that cheating is much more prevalent than what one could think. Also, there are different ways of cheating. It can be just a one-night stand or a completely parallel relationship. I guess most of cheaters just don’t want to choose. Some of them might even care about their spouse, but they care much more about their own needs. Something in them doesn’t mature so as to be truly altruistic. They want the stability that having a well grounded relationship provides, and the hype of limerence. Think about that, it’s just like cheating when doing an exam. You know the rules, you want the benefits of passing, but you don’t want to make the effort. You know it’s wrong, you know you’re not playing by the rules, but you prefer to cut corners.
My theory is some people want something exciting and new for the adrenaline rush but also want to be able to go home to some normalcy as well.
They want the benefits of both. While a side fling maybe fun it’s also a lot of stress on the senses and they want to be able enjoy the comfort of stability of a normal relationship as well. I think this is why there are a lot of cheaters who end up regretting their decisions cause once they are caught they lose the stability of their normal relationships. They have to start all over again to reach that stage which maybe impossible in many cases.
I cheated in the past (I know, I suck). Once you start feeding a crush, it turns into an emotional affair, then a physical one. I basically just didn’t have the balls to breakup with my current boyfriend when I started falling for someone else. I was lying to myself that the “crush” would pass. I didn’t break up with my boyfriend until the affair with the new guy became physical, at which point I broke it off.
It’s because they’re selfish. They want the thrill of either casual sex or a relationship, but they also want the financial security and labor provided by their licit partner.
Cheating is evil. It’s not a neutral or grey act. It’s something people without moral compasses do.
sometimes it’s about the excitement and adrenaline of doing something forbidden. it’s satisfying in some way to have a secret and believe it will stay hidden
If you’re actually interested, read Esther Perrell’s book State of Affairs.
In a nutshell, sometimes people aren’t unhappy in their relationships or don’t want to end their relationships, but they cheat because they have some personal psychological draw to it outside of the relationship.
Also, for some people, there is something enticing about doing something elicit and forbidden. She mentions that often people who have an open marriage will go and violate the rules of that relationship because for them, cheating is not about getting with other people, but about breaking the rules.
Anyway she’s a lot more eloquent and detailed and fact-based than me. I found her writing to be completely non judgement and very matter of fact and I came away from it with a much more holistic and nuanced view of cheating
Comments
What’s better than having one partner? Having two 🤷♂️
Because humans are flawed and do all kinds of problematic shit.
Some people are stupid. Some people are malicious.
(Gonna start this out with cheaters are terrible and I’m in zero way defending them)
Divorces are messy and expensive. Talking $10k+ lawyer fees before any actual assets are divided.
You lose friends or friend groups. Families are split up or treat you differently.
ALL the dirty laundry comes out.
Cheating is…hidden. Until it’s not. You get to keep your money/friends/family AND get a little extra on the side.
I’ve never cheated and will never. But that’s why people do. It’s a selfish choice to avoid all of the above while betraying trust.
You’re assuming the person doesn’t want the benefit of two partners at once or doesn’t have some kind of love for the original partner.
Lust
To paraphrase Chris Rock, some to most people are only faithful as their options.
There are so many factors that can be at play. Personally, the biggest factor for me was emotional development. When I was in my late teens/early 20s I cheated on two different partners. It wasn’t that I didn’t care for those people, I did. However, I truly wasn’t mature enough to realize the consequences of my actions on all sides, if that makes sense. I’m in my early 30s now and have been in a stable committed relationship for 8 years but it took therapy and growth to get to where I am now. I regret causing the pain I did.
For some people the thrill of sneaking around is a major turn on which is compounded by many long term relationships having stagnant sexual conditions
People want their cake and to eat it too
It’s much more complicated than that. I’ve also (and still do) felt horrible when noticing that cheating is much more prevalent than what one could think. Also, there are different ways of cheating. It can be just a one-night stand or a completely parallel relationship. I guess most of cheaters just don’t want to choose. Some of them might even care about their spouse, but they care much more about their own needs. Something in them doesn’t mature so as to be truly altruistic. They want the stability that having a well grounded relationship provides, and the hype of limerence. Think about that, it’s just like cheating when doing an exam. You know the rules, you want the benefits of passing, but you don’t want to make the effort. You know it’s wrong, you know you’re not playing by the rules, but you prefer to cut corners.
My theory is some people want something exciting and new for the adrenaline rush but also want to be able to go home to some normalcy as well.
They want the benefits of both. While a side fling maybe fun it’s also a lot of stress on the senses and they want to be able enjoy the comfort of stability of a normal relationship as well. I think this is why there are a lot of cheaters who end up regretting their decisions cause once they are caught they lose the stability of their normal relationships. They have to start all over again to reach that stage which maybe impossible in many cases.
Anyways just a theory.
Usually something is dissatisfying in the relationship, someone is not happy with someone. And some people are dishonest
Flesh is weak.
Because it’s easier (and then the partner finds out and they realize it wasn’t).
I cheated in the past (I know, I suck). Once you start feeding a crush, it turns into an emotional affair, then a physical one. I basically just didn’t have the balls to breakup with my current boyfriend when I started falling for someone else. I was lying to myself that the “crush” would pass. I didn’t break up with my boyfriend until the affair with the new guy became physical, at which point I broke it off.
The cheating partner must:
That’s the formula for a cheater.
It’s because they’re selfish. They want the thrill of either casual sex or a relationship, but they also want the financial security and labor provided by their licit partner.
Cheating is evil. It’s not a neutral or grey act. It’s something people without moral compasses do.
Selfish entitlement. That’s the number one reason. They believe they should be able to have their cake and eat it too.
For so many reason. Sometimes only sex.
Because of selfish genes
Dead bedrooms can play a huge role in
Lack of communication
IMO, it’s because they want something new, different and “exciting” without having to lose their current partner and all that comes with that.
I guess it easier to have an affair and not worry about it not being long term than to end your relationship/marriage and end up alone
I was gonna say because the levels are just too damn hard sometimes but nevermind.
It’s cause people try to save the others’ feelings instead of giving them the opportunity to handle the truth. And they wanna eat their cake too.
sometimes it’s about the excitement and adrenaline of doing something forbidden. it’s satisfying in some way to have a secret and believe it will stay hidden
If you’re actually interested, read Esther Perrell’s book State of Affairs.
In a nutshell, sometimes people aren’t unhappy in their relationships or don’t want to end their relationships, but they cheat because they have some personal psychological draw to it outside of the relationship.
Also, for some people, there is something enticing about doing something elicit and forbidden. She mentions that often people who have an open marriage will go and violate the rules of that relationship because for them, cheating is not about getting with other people, but about breaking the rules.
Anyway she’s a lot more eloquent and detailed and fact-based than me. I found her writing to be completely non judgement and very matter of fact and I came away from it with a much more holistic and nuanced view of cheating