I’m new here! I 35F. It went like this. After 2 weeks of my fathers funeral, while I was 11 years old. We were at home after having had prayers for dead father. Mother was sitting and talking to one of her friends, and i was right there, maybe 3ft away from her as she told her friend I had tried everything when i was pregnant with this one, to have a miscarrage. She went on to say how she would jump from stairs, swings etc tried everything but failed to have a miscarrage. Her friend the other lady just looked at me. and i just looked at the two of them. Its not as if she didn’t know i was there or that i could hear her, i was looking her in the eyes as she said this story and she was looking in my eyes as she said this. I always had felt like a stranger, never really connected with her or my siblings (I am the youngest). I kind of get now why I always felt like that. But now i even wonder was i ever soothed as a crying baby? was i hugged and loved? I remember her slapping me across the face when i was a baby (maybe 5 or 6yrs old) when i was sick and she was forcing medicine down my throat, and i was crying – cause what child likes medicine, plus i was ill.. i remember even then thinking wtf just happened (in child friendly language of course) she even went on to abandon me when i was a teenager, going to the nect country over (5hrs away) to meet her boyfriend on the weekends while i stayed home alone. She left the house one morning when i was 25yrs, after i had been begging her to let me live on my own. I woke up that morning seeing all the furniture gone, thinking we got robbed! but it was just her having decided to move out and leave me alone in a house she knew i couldnt afford. anyways there are sooooo many other incidents. But now i want to go no contact with her, but she tries to guilt me back everytime. And sometimes i do feel guilty, like when she messaged the other day saying (no hello, how are you?) just straight to if i dont message why cant you reach out, my back is bad now and i am old. i was speaking to my brother about wanting no contact with her, but he is also caught up in the guilt and told me to forgive her and that she has a right over me as my mother. I’ve seen when my sisters were pregnant and how they took extra care of themselves, eating well, getting enough rest, even having additional supplements to ensure good health of the baby and mother. Its what a loving mother does, but my mother instead of eating right, getting enough rest, additional vitamins and what not – was instead trying to kill me. I am so hurt and confused right now, because after almost 2 decades the reality is setting in now, how she never loved me. I guess i’m looking to just vent but also any coping tips or advice. Thank you from an unwanted, unloved child!
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Just go no contact with her and do the same with your siblings if they pressure you.
I can relate. Sounds like my nmother on many ways. I knew I was not wanted as a child. My nmother told me so just about every day.
Your mother has made it clear that she doesn’t deserve your attention now. She has not earned it. When she neglected and abused you as a child, she threw away any right to expect you to care for her now.
You owe her nothing. You do not need to have any guilt for letting her take care of herself when she’s an adult. She expected that of you when you were just a child.
Walk away. Go NC if you wish. Take care of yourself, and let her take care of herself.
> But now i want to go no contact with her, but she tries to guilt me back everytime.
You have nothing to feel guilty for. She is the one who should be feeling guilty, but instead of feeling her rightful guilt she projects it onto you. You don’t have to go along with this. You can cut contact with her and refuse to go along with the guilt trip. You might still feel guilt, because that old abusive brainwashing is not something you can just get over immediately, but you can refuse to buy into it. Refuse to believe it. Feel the guilt, if there is no getting around it, and cut her ass off anyway, because you have no reason to feel guilty.
> just straight to if i dont message why cant you reach out, my back is bad now and i am old.
If she wanted a relationship with you when she was old, maybe she shouldn’t have treated you like you were shit on her shoe your whole life. If she is alone in her own age, she made her own bed. It is not your job to protect her from the consequences of her actions.
> he is also caught up in the guilt and told me to forgive her and that she has a right over me as my mother.
Your brother is lost in an abusive mindset. I would ignore his bullshit entirely. He is arguing that it was okay to abuse you because she was your mother. But, you were her child. What was owed to you??? She was an utter failure of a mother and she owed you so much better than what you got.
I’d like to know why you are supposed to forgive someone who is still abusing you. She is still trying to manipulate and control you. She hasn’t tried to make amends. She hasn’t apologized. Instead, she demands that you do what she wants the way she wants it and tries to guilt you for having normal boundaries. You don’t owe her forgiveness. If your brother wants to forgive her, then he can do that for himself, but he does not have the right to prescribe this to you.
I relate a lot to your post. My mother wanted to abort me and she aborted babies before me. In my case, the doctor talked her out of it. She also told me, when I was just a little kid, that she would have aborted me if I were biracial or if she knew I would turn out gay. She always wanted boys and I was a girl. She hated my father and I look just like him. She didn’t do a lot of mothering to me and left me for her parents to take care of as much as possible. I can definitely relate to feeling like an unwanted child. I’m sorry you had to go through this as well.
But, if you were an unwanted child, then let her be an unwanted abuser cast to the curbside. Cut contact with her and let your brother deal with her, since he thinks it’s wrong to cut contact. As your abuser, she does not deserve contact with you. You owe her nothing, but you owe yourself protection and as much healing as you can gently manage. <3
My nmom told me that she thought about stabbing herself through the stomach while she was pregnant with me to make sure I didn’t survive then didn’t understand how that would wreck me. This was about her not me. I was like 14.
She also told me she never wanted kids with my dad….so me
She also repeatedly told me from a young age about me being sexually abused by two different men and she didn’t do anything about it.
She’s still shocked over 15 years later that I’m no contact with her…she doesn’t know where she went wrong 🙄
Hopefully I phrase this okay, but if I were you OP, I would start ignoring her guilt tripping. She left you in a house you could not afford. She hurt you as a kid. She told her friends in front of you that she literally did not want you.
Your brother is considered a flying monkey and an enabler and really, the only reason why he’s telling you to forgive because he doesn’t want to do anything about it or hear anything about it because if he did, it would make it his responsibility to stand up for you. Enablers and flying monkeys will not do that because they do not want the target on their back and telling you to forgive and stay around your nmom is them asking for you to continue taking abuse so they won’t end up being a new victim if you were to go NC.
Also, you’re a grown woman and your mom has no right over you at all. Parents are humans, not gods. You have the right to reject them just as much as they have rejected you and your forgiveness towards your mom is up to you and always will be. It’s about how you feel, not them.
Well, guess what, you really wanted to be here! I would speak to her as little as possible. If she didn’t want you, no point in wasting your time on her. Find people who value you, and spend your time on them. I didn’t get good parents either. You just gotta build a better life for yourself.