I (31m) was with my soon-to-be-ex wife (30F) for 10 years, married for 6. We met in university and I moved with her back to her home city after graduation. Just 3 weeks ago I came home from the gym to find her sat at the table with a packed suitcase. She tearfully confessed to me that she had been seeing someone for a couple months prior, in doing that she had realized that she was in fact a lesbian, and said that she was leaving me because she no longer wanted to “live a lie”. I stood there in complete shock, not even knowing how to react, as she said farewell and walked out the door. It took me a few minutes to process what just happened as my life as I knew it crumbled right before my eyes, and she was gone by the time I was able to try and follow her out the door. I blew up her phone with calls and text messages, just because I felt like the least she could do was talk, then one of her friends eventually picked up and told me “she can’t talk right now”
I’ll admit in hindsight that there were signs. We’d always had some issues with our sex life, and it was getting worse towards the end. There was emotional distance between us, we had quite a few rough patches. I’ll also admit that I wasn’t the perfect husband, but I was never abusive or mean towards her, did my fair share of the housework, be romantic, and put in emotional effort to the relationship. This woman was the love of my life and I’d be damned if I wouldn’t have fought to the bitter end to make our marriage happy, but sadly none of it mattered in the end. I failed at a marriage that was fucked from the beginning, and it cost me 10 years of my life and most of my 20s.
What baffles me the most about this whole situation is how could she not have known this whole time?! I was aware that she was into women, she had dated women before meeting me, and her friends and family are very open-minded (she has a queer cousin). I can’t honestly think of any reasonable explanation, I feel like I’ve been deceived.
The worst part is how this is playing out with all our mutual friends, pretty much all of whom were her friends first. The very next day she made a long-winded post on Instagram describing her coming out story, for which she received an endless train of likes and comments telling her how she’s “so brave” for “living her truth”. Most of her friends have outright stopped talking to me and removed me off of social media, except a few who have called and stopped by to check in on me. Even then though, every time I try to vent to them I’m met with some variation of “you didn’t see how much of a wreck she was” or “now now, think about how difficult this is for her”. Like what the hell?! I’m the injured party here! It wasn’t my choice to knowingly enter a marriage with someone I’m incompatible with! I’m a human being with emotions too!
Anyway, thanks for listening to my little rant. Now that the initial shock of this is all over, I guess all I can really do is pick up the pieces and figure out my next moves.
Comments
That’s really messed up. You have every right to be angry. Your ex sucks, good luck
Taking the discovery of her sexuality completely out of the equation here, she’s been cheating on you. That’s flat out unacceptable, regardless of if someone is just trying to “find themselves”. You have every right to be upset by the dissolution of this relationship because you were cheated on. I wouldn’t say she led you on in regardless to her sexuality, I didn’t fully come into my own sexuality until after my marriage (I am bi) and so for many it takes time to figure it out, but you don’t figure it out by cheating. That’s the biggest issue here and I’m sorry you’re going through this.
You are allowed to be angry. Regardless is she was figuring out if she was bi or lesbian.
She had an affair. She lied. She betrayed you. She could have figure it out without having you on the back burner. She was selfish.
If you were angry about her realizing she wanted to be with a woman, I’d back her. It would still hurt, but you can’t be angry about that.
In this case, though, she cheated for months then walked out without so much as a conversation with someone she’d been with for a decade. That’s a terrible, shameful way to act.
Well, you have the right to be angry. Regardless of the reasons, she had an affair.
Biggest question is what are you going to do now? Do you have any children? (you didn’t say)
Make a post about healing from your cheating lying wife and get rid of anyone who supports her. In fact, you should move, for your own sanity.
She cheated on you, which is a very valid reason to be angry. Same as if she cheated on you with a man. You can be angry if you want. Her friends are virtue signalling hard.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But she CHEATED on you! You absolutely should be mad.
However, being mad that she didn’t already know she was a lesbian isn’t totally fair. It’s a big thing to figure out about yourself, and she didn’t do that TO you.
When people tell you nonsense like "think about how difficult this is for her" you should be respond by saying "Which part? The part where she has come to terms with the fact that she’s a lesbian or the part where she CHEATED ON ME?" Regardless of her sexuality, she fucking cheated, and nobody else gets to tell you how you are allowed to feel. If they can’t understand that, they’re not worth keeping around.
Also, I am very sorry OP.
Ross?
The fact she was having an affair us something those ‘friends’ have missed, regardless of who she was having it with.
I wonder if the shoe was on the other foot, they’d be as understanding?
Hey, it could be worse. One of the moms in my playgroup came out as a lesbian once her two kids were toddlers. But at least she didn’t cheat like your wife did.
Her husband had met her in college, when she was bisexual. They met, dated, and when he proposed, he asked her if she was really ready to commit to a man, and she was 100% on board. A decade and two kids later, she fell into a depression for about 6 months, and on the other side of that time, sat him down and told him that she was in fact a lesbian. She had tried to push it down but could no longer live a lie. I still think part of her knew, but wanted kids and used him for that, but I am open to being wrong.
You are allowed to be angry, she cheated on you. Her excuse of coming out is just that, an excuse for her poor choices to justify her bad behavior. Next time soneone isnt sympathetic, throw this out there, youre more upset because she cheated on you. Being gay has nothing to do with this, she could have sat down with you and discussed her feelings and yet, she chose to cheat.
You have absolutely every right to be angry. She cheated on you. She wasted 10 years of your life. And shame on all those so-called friends who don’t believe you have the right to be upset or keep wanting you to put yourself in her shoes versus trying to empathize or even sympathize with you. Absolutely shame on them. You can best believe they are all 100% happy that it didn’t happen to them. Be angry and make sure you don’t have to continue to pay for this. Make sure you don’t have to pay alimony or that you have to give up your house or any shared property. She cheated on you! That’s not okay!
You have every right to be angry. Your wife cheated on you.
If she was unhappy with the life she was living, it was her responsibility to be open and honest with you and leave the marriage before she had any kind of intimate relationship, emotional, or physical with another person.
Anyone who tells you that you don’t have the right to be angry or upset or feel any sort of way either doesn’t know the whole story or is an AH.
I hope that you are making sure that everyone knows that your wife cheated on you.
This is a crap situation to be in, and I honestly feel for you 🙁 my first marriage fell apart nearly 10 years ago, and after a couple years dating somewhat outside my comfort zone, I found my perfect match and we’re getting married later this year. It’s not wasted time, or a wasted chunk of life, it’s lessons and life experience. Communication and trust is imperative to the survival of a relationship, once you have that, you’re set. You’ll find it bud; and fuck her for treating you like absolute shit
I would block your ex on all social media. The “friends” who think her cheating was ok can all get stuffed too. I would try and build a new social circle with nicer people. I would concentrate on living your best life, and leave them all behind in the dust. It won’t take that long for you to stop caring about her.
Also she literally cheated on you by seeing someone for months while married. Shes a bad person
I filed for a divorce because my STBX husband has been hooking up with men behind back not because he is a gay. What makes me mad is he does not consider these hook ups as infidelity or adultery. He claims as “exploring his sexuality”. Well if someone has sex other than their spouse it is adultery or infidelity for me. It is frustrating that they act like they’re entitled to hook up without consequences.
Of course you’re allowed to be mad. Your wife cheated on you. There’s nothing else at play here — sexuality, bravery, nothing. You got cheated on. Get a great lawyer and take her to the cleaners. Don’t give up an inch.
And if the people in your life don’t see your side, cut them out too. Fuck ’em.
You’re 31. You’re still young. You will move on and be happy again.
Good luck homie.
You’re 100% allowed to be angry. She wasted your time because she was lying to herself. She may not have known it though. I can concede that.
I think your problem is that you’re talking to her friends. I hate to say this, but in a divorce or break up everyone of your common friends is going to pick one of the other. If most of them knew her first, she gets custody. Start talking to your friends. I’m sure they will be more sympathetic.
You failed at nothing – she did. She’s a liar and a cheater. What she did isn’t brave or admirable. At the very goddamn least, she owes you an apology. You are right to be angry.
I’ve read this before. I wonder if the OP will also take the updates as his own. I can’t remember if the other one was true or not
Just cuz someone is in a protected demographic doesn’t mean they can’t be a scummy asshole.
You are allowed to be angry. You’re allowed to feel whatever.
Being bisexual and being in a relationship and suddenly realizing you’re not attracted to your partner is completely different than cheating on your husband for months and then leaving.
She wasted your life for 10 years and lied and betrayed you. Being lesbian does not excuse cheating. She hurt you. You are allowed to be angry. Find new friends.
She’s a terrible person. And a cheater too. You have all the rights to be angry.
10 years is a long amount of time to take from someone living a lie. you are allowed to be hurt and upset. i would be devestated if my partner did that.
everyone is focusing on the cheating, which IS bad. but its also ok to be upset that she didnt come out for 10 years. thats also her fault. to lead someone into a marriage that way is also her responsibility.
She’s a liar who committed adultery.
She cheated and found out she was a lesbian by cheating. How brave she is for stepping out on her marriage. Tf.
I get it, you are entitled to feel however you feel.
Maybe use this as a wake up call to cultivate your own friends, who will support you as needed.
I have also been collateral damage of someone else’s coming out story. Not married, but together 8 years.
I was sad and angry at how it was handled, but also eventually recognized how it probably was really hard for them to face the truth. And I know that they did really love me as family, even if they didn’t love me romantically.
That truth doesn’t invalidate our experience though as victims in this situation and there’s no excuse for betrayal, no matter what.
This also happened to one of my close friends, and they actually did get married before his wife came out and left.
He and I ended up being roommates lol.
I did find a way to forgive the situation and my former partner, which was really important for my healing. I also realized in my healing that there were certain things I wasn’t getting from my partner, probably because he was gay and didn’t have certain feelings for me.
I hope that you can eventually get to that place too, OP.
ETA: fuck those friends
There are times in your life when you find out who your friends really are. You are far from the first person facing one of those times, only to realize they don’t really have any friends. Happened to me in my 20s and I still have trust issues.
I would seriously consider moving back to where your family is, or if they are as bad as mine, someplace new to start over. All you have to tell anyone is your wife had an affair and left you.
It is always iffy to tell if mutual friends who were her friends first, are really your friends too or just someone who puts up with you for her sake.
Sounds like you need a change.
I hate this timeline. It just got a tiny bit worse reading this story.
Sorry bud.
That freaking sucks,man. I will say this you didn’t fail in your marriage. Your soon to be ex did. She didn’t have to cheat on you to figure out she’s lesbian, she could’ve talked about what was happening,gone to couples counseling, did literally anything else but cheat on you and blind side you. For the part of not knowing her sexuality, it’s just a person to person basis thing, It took me 8 years to figure out that im panromantic asexual and even then for a few years I just called myself asexual because it didn’t cross my mind that I could also be panromantic. But that doesn’t exuse her shitty actions and how your " friends" are downplaying your feelings. You have a right to be mad, sad.Heck, I wouldn’t blame you if you decide to be single for the rest of your life. This was 10 years down the drain with you not having any sense of closure, and I don’t see you getting that anytime soon. I personally would cut off the people for excusing your exs actions, maybe see this as a chance to reinvent yourself, maybe move somewhere else,try new food, get a dog to have some companionship ( only if you know you can properly take care of them) or just take a vacation to a place that you wanted to go but didn’t because of your ex. Additionally, I know someone already said this but get some therapy to sort yourself out, and hopefully, in the distance future, you will get into a relationship with someone who truly loves and respects you. Your feelings are valid, and don’t let anyone tell you they aren’t.
Lesbian here: you’re allowed to be angry.
Sounds very similar to my marriage, though I was blindsided completely and she hadn’t shown any interest in women before, married with two kids previously, we have one son, her now wife hates everyone she has friends and family but most of all the kids, they had me to court repeatedly, 24 times, in what I feel was an attempt to get me to delete myself, thankfully our son is nearly 18 and lives with me aside from minimal contact, she refuses to pay anything and is a total deadbeat. They hated me being there for the kids when they needed support, but wouldn’t step up, eldest is completely nc and she’s missed out on her grandkids growing up, none of us have anything against being a lesbian or against anyone’s sexual preferences, just don’t try and destroy everyone and be horrible people.
It hurt like hell at the time, losing the woman I loved, seeing the kids and being a dad as well as losing my home and stability, but I wouldn’t fall into the trap of hatred, I also decided to stay single forever, but that’s just me and I’m in my 50’s, not got the energy to start again and give up my peace.
Yeah this is wild shit. I don’t even know where to begin but thanks for sharing and wishing you the best going forward.
Unfair.
I don’t get why we always expect things to be black and white! Her friends can both feel happy for her that she “found her truth” (doubtful she found it recently lol) AND they can admonish her for having an affair!
It’s fucked up! AND some of them blocked you!
To be honest, I’d do a clean break if I were you. Once the divorce is done and everything is severed, block her on everything. No need to do it beforehand and make the process nasty. After that, block her friends or at least all the ones who are not supportive.
I could’ve sworn I read this before.
This is a stolen post. I remember this from a few months back.
If she was ‘living a lie’ it was YOU she was lying to.
Lesbians who come out after getting married and having kids are just really selfish people. You have every right to be pissed off – its probably not going to be worth replying back to her socials and saying she was selfish person who no matter what she went through was a callus person who didn’t dare about your feelings. If it helps send the mutual friends one last message telling them what you think of them and that they also deserve a good dose of karma one day which will help them reaise that a life was temporarily ruined by a selfish persons cowardly actions. The ex – if you feel she needs to hear some of this – tell her. Its important for you to express yourself as I don’t think you have from what you have said in this post. Do get a therapist though to help you.
You are allowed be angry. Even leaving aside her only recently figuring out she’s a lesbian she was actively cheating on you. That betrayal doesn’t get brushed aside because she “found herself”
If she honestly didn’t realise she was a lesbian she could have come to you and discussed things with you. An open conversation of where she was at and where that might lead. Instead she chose to betray you and be with someone else. She isn’t brave she is selfish and you are allowed say so. Anyone who tells you otherwise isn’t a friend and not someone you need in your life
You have every right to be angry, she’s a cheating scumbag, a coward who hides behind her sexuality. She didn’t have the guts to admit that what she did was disgusting so she quickly threw "I’m gay" out as a shield.
She wasted a whole decade of your life. It’s gone now, you will never get those years back. You could have spent them with someone who truly loves you, not that twat.
She 100% has always known she’s homosexual but never had the courage to come out so she pretended to be bi instead. She took ten years from you, built up a life on lies, then cheated.
She’s trash.
You deserved better.
Your ex was selfish, your ex certainly knew about her sexuality, but decided to hide it and do this to you. I hope you get well. Karma will come to her.
You are allowed to feel some type of way. Dont let her or anyone else tell you otherwise. 10 years? Be hurt, be angry. Those are the correct emotions
She betrayed you by having an affair.
You have every right to feel angry about that.
She’s disgusting as she’s wrapped her cheating up in a coming out package so that she can cry about it if you dare to call her out on her adulterous ways.
She’s shameful!
Speaking as a lesbian, yes you are allowed to be angry, very angry.
Lawyer up. Your wife cheated on you, the different sexuality has NOTHING to do with what impacts you in this case. That’s how you should go about business.
Get your emotions in check, but yes, you have every bit of reason to be angry, but don’t make any decisions while being angry. Figure out what you need to with your lawyer to cut ties as smoothly and easily as possible with your ex-wife, so you can move on.
You say there were signs, understand what those signs were, and learn from how you missed them from your perspective and better yourself. Take this opportunity to learn to become a better partner.
Dear OP,
I went through exactly this. My wife of ten years, the mother of my child, had an affair and came out as a lesbian. I know exactly how you feel. You did not fail. This is not on you. You are allowed to be angry. You are allowed to be sad.
The best advice I can give is this: get a divorce as soon as possible and allow yourself to mourn your wife. Why mourn? Because the woman you married is gone. It feels almost like an actual death. She has ceased to be. The woman in front of you is not her. You need to understand this, accept it and let yourself mourn the "death" of the woman you thought she was.
So, mourn her. It will suck. I know. It will hurt like hell. But once you process your grief, you’ll be in a better state of mind. And as soon as you divorce her, you can truly begin your healing process.
I know this might feel impossible right now, but you will be okay. You will be happy again. You’ll make real friends. Trust this internet stranger: I know it hurts a lot, but every day it will hurt a little less. And one day, you’ll realize you’ve survived—and you’re happy again.
If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to DM me.
She cheated. Coming out as gay shouldn’t absolve her from that.
You didn’t fail at marriage. Since she is gay, you could have lassoed the moon for her and it wouldn’t have mattered.
You don’t need permission to have feelings. It’s on you what to do with them.
Op I’m so sorry. You have every right to feel hurt and angry, no one would be supporting her if she cheated on you either a man and wrote a long post about her finding herself then! I’ve seen first hand what this done to a friend of mine. He was heart broken and mentally broken by it. He had a break down nearly a year after his wife left him for a women (she got well the same oh your brave plaudits, while my friend was left by him self to get over it. I became close to him after they split and tried my best to hold him up? In the end he checked himself into a psychiatric unit and they literally saved his life. I was the only one that went to see him. This was nearly 15 years ago and now he is happily married to a beautiful woman and has been for newly 10 years.
So please please be kind to your self and seek help to process all of this before it takes you to a really dark place. Xx
That must be so painful omg. I dated someone in HS who thought he was Bi. He was never dishonest about it and I was totally fine with it. We broke up not long after for my own issues but he was still a friend throughout (still to this day, I barely know about his life and he about mine but we still follow each other and it’s nice to see him pop up on who viewed my story so I hope he feels the same when I watch his) so if he ever needed anything having been there for me at some very low points, I would help. Anyway, when he realized a few years later that he was in fact, gay, he called me before posting it online. Didn’t need to at all, we hadn’t been a thing for long and it had been like 4/5 years at this point but he still felt like he robbed me of something? Told him we were just kids barely knowing what a relationship even was so no biggie and wow, now reading this… I just can’t imagine 10 years of that.
She’s a liar and a cheater. You have every right to be pissed. The lesbian part is irrelevant!
Your ex is a cheater, and that’s the truth that matters. You need new friends. Cause that ain’t it. Her being a lesbian has nothing to do with the fact that she couldn’t be loyal and faithful. Don’t blame yourself for someone’s shitty behavior.
Wasn’t this exact story posted like a month ago?
Even if I didn’t think you had a good reason, you are always allowed to feel your feelings. Being angry is a valid emotion.
You have every right to be angry, and i’m gonna call bullshit on her being a lesbian. She was bisexual when you met her, and she’s still bisexual. She just doesn’t want people angry with her for being a cheater.
So instead, she’s saying she’s a lesbian because that gives her an out with people. They’ll pat her on the back for honoring her true self, and if you get pissed , everybody’s going to come down on you. They’ll say you should "be the bigger person" and "allow her to be her authentic self."
Be as angry as you want to be because it seems from what you’ve said she married you under false pretenses.
The real issue is that the wife must have had doubts about her sexuality for a while, but never said a word to her husband. She lied to him, con him to marry her. He lost 10 years of his life, he probably lost the ability to trust women moving forward. What she did is destructive and despicable. Because I promise she hasn’t discovered her sexual orientation two months ago.
She is a piece of shit dude. You are better off without her. Go live your life bro.
She is a cheater. She should have communicated with you that she was feeling this way. Not dump it on you at one time and walk out.
I’m sorry this happened. I hope you find your peace.
You need to make a post of your own so all your mutual friends can see that’s there’s another side to the story. I would emphasize the lying, cheating, the conversation that you very much deserve but didn’t get, her lack of remorse, and not giving you time to fully process everything before making a public announcement. Additionally, for the last 10 years you could done other things with your life. Rather than move to her home city, your life could’ve gone in another direction. You could’ve had partners that actually had romantic feelings for you and sexually attraction.
You’re the box she kept until she was absolutely sure she didn’t need it anymore and then tossed without a thought. Sorry, her behavior was cold and selfish. If she comes back in a year or so, don’t fall for it, you were cheated on, used and thrown to the curb.
sometimes, it really does take a lot of time to realize you’re a certain identity. and i think that’s fine! what’s NOT fine is the fact that your STBX was cheating on you for months, and i think you should definitely be allowed to be angry about that part. i know coming out isnt easy, especially if you’re in a long term relationship (i realized i was aroace a couple years into dating my wife, but i still have a lot of love for her and she’s my person regardless of my wonky sense of attraction) but sometimes you have to do the hard thing and have the tough conversations with your partner. cheating like that is completely avoiding the conversation, and a deliberate choice to betray any trust she had with you. i’m sorry that she cheated and betrayed you like that, and i wish you the best moving forward 🩶
I think she lied, and that you can be angry
Regardless of whether or not she was confused about her sexuality, she chose to cheat for months and not communicate any of what she was going through to her partner.
Make a clean break from the lot of them. Anyone willing to support a married partner behaving like that behind their spouse’s back aren’t worth keeping as friends.
Crush her in the divorce.
You really are allowed to be angry. You don’t have to care about how much it wrecked her. It’s wrecked you in the process.
As someone who is also being told to stifle their anger, I’m sorry you’re being invalidated. I’m sorry no one has taken into account what you may feel. And I’m sorry you’ve wasted your time. Or feel like you have. I’m sorry a bad thing happened to you.
Keep your head up. And, there are therapies used as a venting place. Therapy isn’t only for people who’ve suffered a type of trauma (which infidelity is a trauma for most people), but it can be a good place to clear your head healthily and won’t lead to shushing of your feelings.
She cheated, like any piece of shit cheater. She could have ended things before being awful… But she didn’t.
Be angry. Just don’t stay angry.
You got fucked over in the end.
You can’t re-write the ending.
But you can re-write what will become your history now after the fact.
> What baffles me the most about this whole situation is how could she not have known this whole time?!
Have you considered that she’s just bi and this is simply a rationalized explanation to end your relationship in a way, so she isn’t a bad guy outwardly (she’s likely also bs’ing herself) while also harvesting social recognition from other simple minded people on Instagram?
This was posted before by anothter user
Well, that’s unfair. You’re allowed to feel upset and whatever emotion comes out of this. She lied to you and betrayed your trust/marriage.
Sexuality can be complex, sometimes bisexual individuals realize they’re simply gay. She’s allowed to discover this and if she wanted to move on or go for a divorce, she could BUT not at your expense. She should’ve talked to you about how she was feeling instead of cheating. That’s cruel of her.
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Tough stuff bro. The same thing happened to me in October but it sounds like your ex was a little more considerate. Mine just cheated on me till it was obvious then blamed me for not being sensitive to her needs.
It’ll get better. Trust me. Be angry. Yell in the car. Hit the gym. Really dive into your passion and the rest will sort itself out. Hang in there!
I have seen this exact story before …… and on YouTube too, wait here.
I don’t know state laws but figure out everything since she left try to keep everything. I hope she doesn’t try to get you on spousal support. That will be just straight up fucked up.
You now fully understand who their real friend was and where you stand. It is sad to learn it this way, but, you have now learned it. And, also realize she is a cheater. And, she gets nothing she doesn’t deserve. And, out of the blue. So, divorce, definitely, giving only the bare minimum. She still cheated on you, and no "truth" she discovered dissolves that. When she first thought about those feelings, she should have communicated them, so, you won’t go nuclear now. But, no. Her "truth" was more important than blindsiding the person she said she loved and wouldn’t hurt them. Always this lie. They wanted the best outcome for themselves, every time. So, let all that support her be only for her and you move on to someone that truly only wants to love you. There are many out there, looking for a good man. Your friend group failed you. Be Well my friend and updateme.
I’m openly bisexual and my first fiancé, who I was with for five years, was cheating on me with men.
I was called homophobic, biphobic, and ‘problematic’ for ‘labeling his sexuality.’ His older gay brother directly mocked me and other gay men mocked me.
It was horrible. They told me nobody satisfies a man like another man, that I don’t suck dick like men do, and told me they don’t care when they cheat with married or engaged men.
The only reason I found out before it was too late and I married him is he went to hook up with a trans woman and he didn’t realize he knew her before her transition. She knew he was still engaged to me and told him he had 24 hours to tell me the truth before she did with evidence.
Being mocked by my future brother in law was so painful and dehumanizing, and the people I called my in-laws never contacted me again even though he confessed he’d been cheating on me.
Oh, and I got HPV and people belittled me and told me I had no way of knowing he was the one who gave me HPV and I was slit shaming him. I’d literally ONLY been with him at that time and it turns out he’d been with like 12 people within a year.
But they’d rather support the cheating, lying, HPV passing guy who was outed due to cheating than his fiancé.
It really changed me in ways that made it far more difficult to trust not just partners, but their friends and family. It taught me that the ‘friends’ you make through a partner and the ‘family’ you make are never truly friends and family.
I hope you can heal from this. I’m now so glad he and I never made it together and I’m much better off now. But fuck.
You’re allowed to be mad. She knew something about herself that she seemingly denied for a decade? Honestly it sounds like she got influenced by her friends a lot and ended up having an affair by her own choice.
She cheated, period. You have every right to be angry, she’s hiding it behind being a lesbian
I feel like I have seen this exact story before a year ago
I’m fine with downvotes, so here I go…
It disgusts me when someone is victimized because they’re part of a minority, as if minorities can’t be despicable people. We CAN are! I’m a (queer) minority, and I’m despicable.
There is a verse from a song that I like, its translation would be something like: It was just a meltdown. Tomorrow she’ll shine again—though maybe not for you anymore. The important thing is that she’s happy. And what about me? I’m still here. I want to be happy too.
you mention that your mutual friends are letting you down, and i’m sorry for that. what about your own friends? can you spend time with people you know will have your back?
you can be angry about both the cheating and the breakup. you guys were together for ten years. whatever mess of feelings you have going on, it makes sense that you’re feeling a LOT. dissolving a serious relationship is one of the more stressful life events a person can go through.
I know you love her, dude. And it isn’t going to feel good, for awhile. This is rough.
But I had so much fun dating in my 30s. There’s someone out there who is going to love you for exactly who you are.
Feel your feels, homie. You absolutely got betrayed, and I’m so sorry. She sucks. She lied to you and used you and you love her.
But I’m glad she bounced, so that you can go out there and find someone who actually wants you.
I was 33 when I met the love of my life. Our kinks fit together perfectly, our lives have the same goals, we can’t keep our hands off each other. It’s amazing.
You’re a good man. You deserve that. You deserve happiness with someone who loves and respects you. 💜 You got this.
Start talking to lawyers. You need to protect yourself from what comes next.
You’re allowed to be angry. It sounds like it’s time to make your own friends and maybe find a therapist to help you process this betrayal.
She cheated on you and lied to you! Regardless of her orientation, she took vows and owed you a conversation and transparency.
she cheated on you and deceived you for years. Of course you’re allowed to be enraged and despise her as a person. But don’t let that cloud your judgement, get lawyered up ASAP and strike first, strike hard, etc
F-that – She lied and misrepresented herself knowingly. Then she chose to cheat instead of breaking up with you first. She is a POS. F- her anyone who co-signs that behavior. I would go nuclear and out her for cheating and lying to you on any platform that I could and then move back to my home town after transferring or getting a good job. Cheaters should be outed and known for who they are. Good luck.
This is the 6th post i’ve seen with the same format, is this ai?
You’re allowed to be angry. I mean being angry about being lied to, etc. is normal. That has nothing to do with someone’s life choice or being against someone who is gay. If she left you for another man you’d be angry. So, yes you’re allowed to be angry. But it’s also true there isn’t much you can control either. You aren’t the first and won’t be the last.
Just like coming out as gay doesn’t absolve Kevin Spacey of sexual assault, coming out as a lesbian doesn’t absolve your wife of having an affair and abandoning you.
This is what I do not understand. It takes a lot of courage to come out of the closet. But please be accountable for the consequences of doing so. Your ex should have included in her post how selfish she was. How she broke up a marriage. How deeply she has hurt you. And how she has yet to apologize and make amends with you. She is doing right by herself but I hope she makes it right with you by giving you what you deserve, a proper closure.
You’re allowed to be mad, even if not for the being lesbian part definitely for the cheating. Don’t let her friends gaslight you about her infidelity and her bs justification.
You allowed to be upset and hurt by the deception. I have a friend who went through something similar with her husband. I would advise starting therapy asap, and finding a support group for people in similar situations. That does help.
This happened to my best friend. You can def be angry but try not to let the anger eat you. Life will go on, with or without you angry. Seek therapy and use your friends and family for support. Also, get support and therapy for your kids, it’s a weird change and my friends kids were and are bullied a bit for it. Best to you
Her being a lesbian isn’t the bad thing and she can’t be blamed for that.
Her cheating on you for months before leaving you is the bad thing and she most definitely can be blamed for that.
Cheaters gotta cheat, she’s shitty.
I’m all pro lgbt – but what she did was use you and abuse your trust, and then took a cowards exit. The friend group rallying around her so thoroughly, and repeating talking points, makes me worried they’re all toxic.
We could be talking about a woman who suspected they were bi or lesbian and talked about it with their spouse to untangle her hangups/denial/what have you. We could be talking about a woman who found herself attracted to another woman, but she respected the marriage she was in and didn’t have an affair. We could be talking about a woman who at the end of the line, sat down with the person they married to explain, make sense of it all to and to give them at least a chance to understand and not leave such an open wound behind.
Instead …..
You will be better off for all of this in the long run, she sounds "pan-asshole"
In the short term, drink water, shower, take care of yourself, and make new goals that are really yours. I’m sorry dude.
You ARE allowed to be mad; she betrayed you and had an affair. It does not matter the gender of the AP; she still cheated, and that is all that matters. Cut off any of her supporters and maybe move to someplace where you can make some real friends. I wonder how many of her friends are cheating on their SOs?
You didn’t explain why you think you aren’t allowed to be angry.
She cheated on you! You have to make sure others also see that truth. You were cheated on.
Doesn’t matter who someone sees. If they’re a cheater. They’re a cheater
So she was having an affair behind your back, and you’re not allowed to be angry and upset over the betrayal?
I’m sorry, but why did nobody acknowledge she actually CHEATED on you? Does her "switch up" excuse her from being disloyal? Yeah, fuck that man. You are allowed to be mad at least about that, let alone being dragged down only to be let go like that.
31 is great, you didn’t waste much time. I know 10 years is a lot to just forget and act like they didn’t happen, your whole environment is probably built around her existence, and now she’s just gone, but you’ll be alright. I’m 30, I have been in a relationship with someone I thought was the love of my life & it was over a while ago. It took me a minute to adjust my life with her absence, but I managed. Like you will.
Also, wtf is all that parading her switch up online about? Make your own post about infidelity, and clip everyone who disagrees.
Ai – whether fake not sure but Ai edited at least
She cheated on you for 10 years. She stole 10 years of your life, so be pissed and if possible, don’t make the divorce easy and don’t be the “better person”. Once it’s all over, move on.
I think I have read this post word for word before, quite a few months ago. I suppose it could be a new situation for someone else but I’m getting a serious case of deja vu.
Yes you can be angry, and rightfully so. Even taking aside the whole lying to you and wasting ten years of your life- SHE CHEATED ON YOU!
More than enough reason to be mad.
I’m hoping this is just your loved one’s weird way of trying to make you feel better… invalidating your feelings is not the way though.
Be mad. Go to a rage room, write a letter (you don’t send) about how much of a POS she is, get some therapy and move on when you can. Better days and better people lay ahead of you OP.
why do some people get married that young?
Discovering or accepting your sexuality doesn’t absolve cheating. It just doesn’t. It’s one thing to own the hurt that you cause by acknowledging that you are not the person you thought you were and the impact that has on your partner, totally another to be like I cheated on them, but this is so haaaaard for me. 🙄
Ugh. I’m sorry OP. I highly recommend seeing a therapist as this is definitely difficult to experience even with a support system. Not sure your job situation, but I’d consider whether or not moving and starting over closer to family or somewhere that you won’t run into former friends or your ex, has any appeal.
Everyone already said the important shit. She was selfish and you have every right to be angry. You also need a support system that aren’t her friends first and your friend second.
Simply put: Being gay is not a reason for cheating. That’s really it.
I read a post just like this months ago.
You have every right to be hurt and angry. You were betrayed
Being a lesbian isn’t a free pass to cheat.
this is like word for word bar for bar a copy of another rage bait post
Exploring your sexuality & finding your true self doesn’t give an excuse to cheat, no matter what her friends want to think. You know what a mature adult does? Communicate with their partner of 10 years and say “hey, I’m really confused on my sexuality and I think I might be lesbian.” Is it scary? Yup. But cheating on your husband for months, dropping a major bomb, & then walking out the door refusing a discussion is insane. You have every right to be mad.
She cheated on you and lied to you, you are allowed to be upset, angry, whatever you need to be. For people distancing you mention you tried to vent to a couple of her friends-you said it yourself they are her friends. I wouldn’t vent to them or expect them to be there for you in that capacity. I am so sorry you are going through your world blowing up while feeling alone, betrayed, and discarded. I would suggest maybe a therapist to help you navigate these murky waters.
Have you ever heard of “Comp het docs” basically it was a study about how lesbian and bi sexual people live in heterosexual relationships because it is easier to accept in society ect. Your wife may have had acceptance all around her but society doesn’t always. This isn’t to justify what she did. But I read them and found it interesting, especially when you see how many women “find themselves” in adulthood.
How would she (and her friends) have reacted if you had come out as gay and confessed to having an affair and just left her. Would you have received the same reaction?
Her being ‘brave’ and coming out does not mean she has the right to hurt you. You’re entitled to your anger.
She’s so shitty, does she even care at all about how she made you feel?!?!
No, you’re allowed to be angry. Your entire life has changed. The woman you love lied to you about who she is. You can’t just forgive and forget. People need to understand that it’s not just about her discovering herself. It’s about you being hurt by all this, too. It’s about you finding out that your life has been a lie. You get to be mad and bitter. You get to cry and scream (preferably not at someone, but ya know). You did not fail the marriage. She did the moment she started seeing someone else. That’s not on you.
She fucking cheated on you. Bring that up anytime someone comments on how brave she is. Fuck them, and her cheating ass.
I would just post that. "My wife cheated on me and I have to pretend like that is okay because she gets to live her true self having lived a lie with me"
"I was aware that she was into women, she had dated women before meeting me, and her friends and family are very open-minded (she has a queer cousin)"….
Honestly, that background makes it even worse in my opinion. She just cheated and tried to hide it as her coming out. Many people are afraid of their coming out, because the whole family is religious and conservative. But not in this case here. There were no reason to hide her true desires. She’s just a common cheater, and it’s sad, that all of her friends are praising her coming out instead of calling her out for cheating and betraying you. I mean, how can it be difficult for HER, when she always knew, that she was into woman, and she always knew, that her friends and her family are behind her? That makes no sense to me. Or do they mean, she suffered because of your relationship with her? That’s ridiculous. She could just say the truth to you. There was no reason to hide it (like in some religious extremist circles).
I’m sorry for you. So many years gone for nothing. But don’t give up, you’ll find someone else, someone who truly loves you 🙂
You’re allowed to be angry. Your anger is justified. Your wife cheated on you. You have every right to be mad, and you don’t need anyone else’s permission or approval.
I’ve never understood that infidelity is OK to be rewarded if it’s with the same sex. Cheating is cheating. Breaking someone’s heart is breaking someone’s heart. You are righteous in your hurt and anger. It’s completely understandable. I’d be tempted to leave that city and start afresh somewhere new, away from her drama and clique.
Cheating is cheating. You’re allowed to be angry and anyone who says you aren’t isn’t your friend.
Anyone who says you can’t be angry coz she’s gay can eat shit, you’re not a homophobe, you’re shocked and pissed it took them fucking you around and over for a decade to figure it out, that’s a shitty person regardless of gender or preference.
You are completely valid in your anger, you are human and you were betrayed and hurt, it’s also okay that she is a lesbian and this situation is shitty for you and she owes a mature adult conversation to you
I mean she cheated on you. It doesn’t matter if it’s a man or a woman. She could have told you beforehand that she was a lesbian and not cheated.