Idk where these insecurities of mine come from, maybe school bullies or asshole elder brother or a weak father figure. But I have a constant fear of being beat up by other dominant men. And this fear has pulled me back my whole life.
Whenever I’m in a room where there are other men who are more confident than me, my fear is that I will either get verbally embarrassed by them or just get physically beat up if it comes to that. How do I get over this?
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Take a martial art and lift weights.
Do you live in the USA? Just take them to court.
Learn a self defenve skill and get in shape, knowing you can fight back is very cathartic, I reccomend muay thai.
Try getting into martial arts, once you learn to take a beating and inflict one you’ll stop worrying about it constantly.
get beat up multiple times
Gym. Boxing. Therapy.
Martial arts, weights, none of that will help you. Bullies are insecure. Your insecurity, plus skill or strength, will just turn you into a bully.
You need to overcome the insecurity. Perhaps through therapy, meditation, or otherwise.
What have you tried to do so far to overcome it?
Pick your poison, stay afraid or get beat up. Go to a boxing gym or jump straight into an mma gym and tell them you want to learn. You’re going to into some pain but they will want to have you learn at a pace you can keep up with and even enjoy. And believe me it will feel great when you start to feel your competency advancing. But only go if you genuinely want to learn. If not, go talk to a mental health professional and see why it is you feel that way and address that problem. It actually wouldn’t hurt to do both tbh.
Outside of it being s phobia it’s a natural instinct. Helps keep you away from bad situations/saying dumb shit to the wrong person. Even with combat experience it isn’t smart to loose that fear. Never know what the other person is carrying or capable of.
Listen, I think AskMen might not always be the right choice for asking about dealing with deep rooted and personal issues because men in general do not have a lot of experience sorting these kinds of problems out or getting professional help for psychological issues. Living in constant fear of getting beat up is not a normal experience, there’s trauma there, and you need to see a therapist about it.
And maybe after talking to your therapist, they might suggest martial arts or working out like everyone else here is saying, but don’t consider it to have been a waste of time because they may have come to that suggestion and conclusion after properly discussing your issues with you and determining that its the right fit for you.
Maybe getting ripped isn’t the answer. Plenty of huge muscular dudes who still live in fear and insecurity out there. I’m a small person and would likely lose most fights, but I don’t live in fear of being beat up by other people. It could be something you need to unpack and discuss. It could necessitate a change in environment. Who knows.
Go train muay thai or boxing, spar a lot, and do a couple of fights. Over time you’ll become more confident.
I’ve been living in Thailand the last 10 years and I’ve done a couple of muay thai fights. I’m not a super serious trainer or anything like that and I’m not “carved out of stone” either. I like to drink and smoke and unless I’m training for a fight (which I may or may not do again) I just train maybe 3 to 4 days a week along with supplementary stuff like some basic weight lifting, jogging, yoga, and bodyweight exercises.
Even today after years of training I still get really intimidated by big, confident looking guys.
But here’s what I’ve noticed — many of these SUPER tall, good-looking, muscley looking guys will come to Muay Thai classes and they look ridiculous trying to throw basic punches.
I mean almost girly (I’m talking discombobulated 7-year-old girl).
And then I realize that despite how they look — I could 100% be fine defending myself against them.
Which always reminds me that this is MOST people you’d encounter on a daily basis. MOST people — despite how they look — do not even have the basic body mechanics of a simple jab, cross, hook. They don’t have simple reflexes to block or slip a punch or to clinch another person long enough to get away without being thrown on the ground.
That means you can just be “okay” and handle yourself with most people in most situations.
Get punched and punch back.
Any type of boxing, mma, classes will help a lot rather than just swinging in the streets.
The biggest fear in fighting is the lock up your body does when a punch is coming. Most bullies literally only target people who do this. Because they know they will piss themselves if one comes at them.
It just takes practice. I got punched in the face like 8 times before i realised i can do it back.
Had the same fear due to being bullied in the childhood..still have it,but its a lot better than back in the day.What helped me so far is meditating,projecting confidence,strong body language,being more social like maintaining eye contact and speaking in an assertive way.Always put yourself in uncomfortable situation man…thats what will make you more tougher.I would also suggest you to get bigger & stronger,prioritizing your mental & physical well being and therapy…Good luck
It’s difficult to fear other men when you’re stronger than them. Hit the gym… hard. I can’t recall the last time I walked into a room and felt threatened by anyone. I used to feel similarly to you. Constantly threatened by more commanding guys. Then I raged in the gym for many, many years. Various martial arts helped too.
I don’t lift etc. I’m able-bodied, but almost any other bloke would fold me like a deck chair if they decided to.
Do you know what? I just don’t care. Obviously I don’t mouth off, and I don’t start shit. In an altercation I’m going to run.
But I am not going to fear what I can’t control.
Take your beats
Damn, theres a lot of testosterone in here, and a lot of very fragile masculinity.
The ‘I could take him’ mentality causes fights, it doesn’t prevent them. Someone who has assured themself they can win a fight and that they are the toughest guy in the room is much more likely to square up, be defensive, posture and overall place themself at risk of a beating than the person who works on knowing themself and being situationally aware instead.
It does sound like some therapy to explore those deeper insecurities might be helpful, and it should be explored with some confidence. You’ve asked here, so you want to understand this, but start from wanting to understand it, before you start trying to fix it.
Keep using the gym, but use it for your own fitness, not to be the deer with the biggest antlers.
And observe – watch other gatherings around you. Forget TV and movies, that’s all BS. Watch actual people and look how often people fought or pick on each other, even embarrass each other in your actual living context.
In life, outside of genuinely difficult circumstances, such as in gang culture, most people will go a pretty long way to avoid conflict.
If you’re an adult, you should know that you have a right to feel safe in any public environment and especially in any professional environment.
If this complex interferes with your ability to relax, either you’re in the wrong environment, or might need to seek professional/medical help.
If this is a workplace, and colleagues are genuinely making you feel intimidated, it’s a matter for HR.
Harassment isn’t just physical, it can be verbal, non-verbal, even so much as a look.
Don’t put up with it, but if you feel that you’ve adopted a complex that makes it difficult to function with no reasonable cause, it might be time to address it professionally, or at least do your best to exorcise that characteristic out of yourself.
Find your inner frat boy. Find the hate and rage stashed in there. Use it as a fuel.
work out and do the beating up
Two words: Fight Club
Quote from American dad “Gun beats karate every time”.
Terrible advice but carrying gives you a sense of security.
Me too – simple solution, join a martial arts club or boxing club where you spar.
It’s just practice. You’re scared because you’re unfamiliar with what happens in a fight. So practice in a safe way.
My advice is get beat up then you learn you arnt made of glass…
I’ll also suggest martial arts like others here have, but there’s other benefits too – it’s a lot of fun and you can make friends while you’re doing it, as well as get in shape. Kickboxing or boxing is pretty easy to find and will do all of the above, but I do recommend trying a few different arts if there are a few within reach to see which one fits you better. Also if you decide on one, try other classes that do the same one as your experience may vary and a good or bad instructor can make or break the class.
Try to make other male friends and go out into the world with them. Do some sort of activity with them like cycling or casual team sport. Spend some time doing some fun verbal sparring so you get used to it – it doesn’t have to be mean, but it will relax you and get you used to the back and forth of it.