Hello,
this is an anonymous account, for obvious reasons.
I am a man in my mid 40s, and seeking advice from people in later years, to gain some perspective.
Been with my wife now for over 15 years, two kids and all bells and whistles of a life.
We used to have more partnership and intimacy (and no kids). As the time went by, partnership turned into family, and didn’t come back. No sex for more than 2 years now, and before that years of very little sex. Basically since the kids came, it dwindled down to like 1-2x per year.
Thus also lost lots of intimacy, but we retain some of it. Like kisses when saying goodbye, cuddling here and there, being nice to each other, and the most important thing, children. Family vacations are nice, and all that.
She doesn’t appear to miss intimacy really. Doesn’t initiate. Every time I ask her, if she’s happy, there is a positive answer. She does say she would like to gain more personal time… but it just doesn’t happen. We tried specifying certain days for private time, it just didn’t work out, like… there was almost no interest. We talked a bit, about our days or whatever we found to talk about, but then… nothing happens. Like, there is no sexual desire.
She also gained weight. Doesn’t do sports. While I was always somewhat sporty, more even now than ever. That concerned, we are going opposite directions. While I am pumping up my body and psych, my sexual drive is skyrocketing, also my looks, she is dwindling down. Most likely due to lots of burden due to the kids.
If there were no kids involved… this would be most likely be easier decision. But there are. And they profit from our seemingly stable relationship – we don’t argue, emotionally stable, you know? We don’t play our issues out. We know the kids are happy (for privacy reasons, I will say around 10 both) and they show it to us. To endanger that would be irresponsible. Later, when they know what sex is, they might start understanding what is going on, though. Whether they feel something now? Don’t think so, because they never had it differently. However… I am afraid they are learning that missing sex in relationship is okay.
We do talk. But talks mostly end… nowhere. Thought about sex therapy or something like that, not sure if that would actually damage more than do good. Right now it’s like… don’t think about it and all will be good. Kinda, it is what it is.
I honestly can’t imagine me or my wife moving away. I love my kids, I also do love my wife. I love our life, and where I live. It’s my home. It’s what we built. Lot of time and sweat. It would have negative impact on my kids, on everyone. However, it’s frustrating missing the intimacy. I feel like half a man, you know what I mean?
I have been thinking a lot, what can I do to possibly flame up her desire to be more womanly, to make herself attractive again? Is it possible? What options do I have? Take it for what it is, and for my own pleasures take a mistress?
More importantly, in a long run… Am I looking at next 30-40 years of asexuality? Is that fair towards me? Or should I just accept what it is, and be done with it, because I am maybe the only one suffering?
Oh yes, also thinking about later time. So what if I would leave the life I have now, and take a younger woman for lots of active sex? So it goes on for 10 years, and then I come into my 50-60s, and possibly sexual drive dwindles down for me too. You know, one gets older, wants peaceful life, while my new 30-40yr old partner wants to live up? Will I regret to have left my stable relationship, who just might be perfect to get old with? I would also most likely leave her miserable too, I couldn’t bear that.
And of course, looking for opinions from both men and women alike.
Comments
Wow. While I’m 74, this has been my life since my 50s or earlier. I had a series of sexual encounters, kept them discreet and healthy. I’d recommend the same. More later.
Caveat: I’m gonna give it to you straight, probably not the answer you want to hear, but, hey, u asked.
You MUST reconcile and own what Marriage and your marital vows mean to you and what you wish to model for your kids. This is an actual and not rhetorical question. For example, do you want to model that vows are irresolute and one should do nearly anything possible to uphold the “love, honor, cherish…all the days of our life” part of many wedding vows, or is one’s personal happiness paramount, or, even, some vague middle ground. There is not a correct answer to this; any of these choices are valid but you must be honest with what it means to you and how you’d like to see your kids view their own future marriages.
For example (and I’m not saying this applies to you but as a hypothetical), let’s say you view marriage as an agreement so long as basic reciprocal needs are met, e.g. your spouse should treat you with respect, show periodic romantic interest, etc. and if she doesn’t then dissolution of marriage is an option. How could you articulate that your love and responsibilities to your children are not likewise conditional. You may also reasonably come to the conclusion that you do not want to model for your kids that they should stay in unhappy marriages and physical intimacy is integral to a successful marriage. Again, how could you explain that the vows you’d exchanged were symbolic & not literal.
My own view of marriage is this: no one promised you a happy marriage. Not God nor anyone else. You gave your word – you get to choose whether you are the kind of man who keeps his word. If you view lack of intimacy as “suffering” as you put it (and perhaps it is, in a way), so what? Do any in this world traverse life’s path without suffering? Can we still experience suffering and yet lead a fully satisfied and fulfilled life?
I found myself (now in my 50s) in a similar situation and it happened to my wife in the peri-menopausal stages when she was in her mid-late 40s. The stress of kids and changes to her own body left a drought of intimacy. Things got better later. This may or may not be the case for you two but just wanted to share.
I think you are actually framing this well. You face a choice that is altogether not too complicated. Let’s say that your marriage (aside from sex) is good-not-great, like a solid 7/10. And that you view your current level of satisfaction with your romantic/sexual life as poor, like a 2/10. You can choose to accept and continue that or seek to improve the later through new sexual relationships. Your marriage must certainly dissolve but you can then avail yourself OPPORTUNITIES for increased sexual satisfaction. Although, this too, is certainly not guaranteed. The only choice you can make that would be reprehensible would be if you choose to stay and guilt her into feeling bad for not being a sexually active as you’d like. I’ve never been to therapy but really cannot see any downside. That said, you can always choose to be as loveable and as attractive as possible, that is all in your control. See that her lack of physical attraction may or may not have anything to do with you at all. I’d also strongly suggest a book: This Is How Your Marriage Ends by Matthew Fray. From one stranger to another, I genuinely wish you well.