I (27f) wrote a post on social media a few days ago talking a little about my wedding and how amazing the day is. I made a point to mention that every living person who loved us was present, because we both have deceased family members including my mom. There was some fallout that I kind of expected from my dad because he wasn’t at my wedding.
He chose to miss my wedding because his stepdaughter (25f) was having surgery on her knee and he couldn’t possibly leave her. Her surgery got scheduled two months before my wedding and dad actually asked me to reschedule my wedding so he could do both. He told me she couldn’t wait to have hers and had the earliest appointment but that he would pay the difference for me to change the date of my wedding two months before the day, after all the invitations were sent out, almost 18 months AFTER we had set the date and he had said he could be there.
This was just the most recent in a long line of him putting his stepdaughter before me. It started when she was 11 and I was 13 and he first got married to his wife. He decided he could no longer spend time with me one on one but he could spend time with her one on one. Anytime he made plans with me he included her. If both of us had a conflicting extra curricular event he would go to hers. If we both wanted to visit a Christmas market but schedules conflicted for that he would only take her. And she wanted me to be her sister but didn’t want me to have dad alone because it made her jealous and feel bad that she didn’t have him as long. Which made dad go please understand, why can’t you love her and be her sister and share me and accept that I won’t give you one on one time but I will give it to her.
He even ruined our momorial (memorial thing we did for mom every year after she died) by bringing her along once she was officially his stepdaughter. The first and last time he did it, because I stopped going, was one of the few times he didn’t just whine about it but actually yelled at me because I lost my temper really badly and told him that brat had no business having anything to do with MY mom and she didn’t get to ruin that for me too. He yelled at me that my attitude was disgusting and she ruined nothing and I was ruining it by refusing to embrace her.
My adult relationship with him was distant and tense. But he kept reaching out and he made an effort to see me so I tried to lower my expectations. Then his request to change my wedding date happened and I basically dropped the rope entirely after that.
And for those who might ask about the surgery. His stepdaughter badly injured her knee 10 years ago while playing some sport, I forget what she played, but she was dealing with issues ever since and they kept saying she was too young for the surgeries she needed and making her put it off. Until they finally decided she was so bad she needed it regardless of age. I still believe he should have come to the wedding because his wife was there for her daughter. But poor little princess needed him too.
But back to the post. I made it. I stand by it. I knew he’d hate it. I didn’t expect any crap from my favorite aunt about it but she told me the post was spiteful and set out to hurt dad when I needed to understand he was just a man and men are weak and won’t always do the right thing.
AITA?
Comments
NTA. But when you post something like that (something that you knew would stir up some drama) you can’t feign surprise at pushback. You knew what you were doing by posting that, you should be able to handle the consequences of it.
NTA
Tell your aunt to raise her expectations as men aren’t weak and are more than capable of doing the right thing.
NTA
I’m seething on your behalf. Making you postpone your wedding so that he can tend to his bratty, spoilt stepdaughter’s minor, non-urgent surgery? The audacity to even ask that is insane.
Updateme
NTA
‘ my relationship with my father is complicated and the between him and I, and I am comfortable with how I am handling it and don’t want or need outside opinions on the situation.’
Of course is sounds harsh or spiteful to them , but they weren’t the 15 year old girl fighting for her Dad’s attention and time, only to be shelved for a newer model.
They don’t get to have an opinion on how you react to the 101th time your Dad has let you down , just because he’s always been a nice guy to them , good for them.
Op, if you felt that sentiment, then you were well within your rights to say it, and if he’s not okay with it that he has to deal with why you feel that way and how you got there.
YTA. You did it to be nasty and rub it in his face. You are petty and jealous and trying to hurt him as much as you can. It’s not going to work. You are holding onto so much hate and letting it turn you into a nasty and vengeful person. You have to learn to let that anger go. It’s not healthy for you.
Updateme
I’m a bit ruthless, but if I had been in your shoes, the wedding post would definitely have included pictures of deceased mum, with heartfelt tributes and recounting of personal memories with her.
Make it clear to that rotter of a dad of yours, how much your Mum does matter to you – AND HOW MUCH HE DOESN’T.
I am voting NTA however it was an AH thing to do because it does seem like you did it to intend harm, however he has harmed you enough so it is tit for tat. You could have said truly love you then it is still a dig at him but not as severe.
If your Aunt says anything about it say that “I hope you are gave him an earful for every time he did the ‘wrong’ thing and if not then you can stop having a go at me for this. I also stand by what I said because he has shown this time and time again as you know. Furthermore, even if men are weak and won’t always don’t do the right thing doesn’t mean they shouldn’t suffer any consequences or be called out for their actions”.
NTA you spoke the truth and if he doesn’t want to admit his wrongdoings, then leave him be. And tell your aunt you’re disappointed in her- that you expected her to understand that you are just asking for some common decency and respect from your dad and he doesn’t care which he shows by his actions.
You obviously believe it true that your father does not love you. He made you feel that way, especially by choosing a surgery over your wedding. He drew that line, not you. Sorry that you didn’t have the dad you needed. He rather deserved to be shamed.
What did you expect to happen? You chose to make the post & had to know it would open the door to hear other people’s opinions. People are allowed to have their own thoughts & feelings. Apparently your aunt is seeing this situation from her own perspective. That’s really not that challenging to understand, she has her own life experiences with your Dad. Guess she thinks he’s weak & not able to defend himself? Maybe she just doesn’t like seeing family drama posted on social media? Who knows?
If you stand by what you said then why are you concerned about other people’s opinions. You don’t need other people’s approval for feeling hurt by your Dad’s actions. You also didn’t need to involve other people.
NTA, he made his choice.
NTA
And when your father calls and he will…just say…
“I lost my father the day he chose his bratty stepdaughter over me during my mother’s memorial. My father died that day. I don’t have a father anymore. Congratulations, you only have one daughter and it’s that bitch that made sure you wouldn’t ever have a future relationship with me. You made your choice, and now live with consequences of those choices.”
You’re never the whole for telling the truth. Tell your aunt she is an enabling idiot and that your father made a series of choices that prove he doesn’t love you, you’re just returning his energy.
NTA
NTA. He is a POS.
Well, then weak men should work on themselves, not expecting ppl to lower their expectations.
NTA. Your father has lost a daughter. Completely his fault.
Nope, that was just a dig you did. If it was me I’d call him out. There’s no excuse to miss your own child’s wedding when there are alternatives. We know our worth to a person in how they adjust or expect us to adjust to situation. He sent the message loud a clear that you:ll always be an afterthought and his stepdaughter is his priority. He’s not the surgeon, why does he needs to be there, he can visit after the wedding. The statement of his actions are a lot more hurtful than that subtle dig you did. You know where he stands and where you stand in his life. Save yourself from more pain, distance yourself from him, he doesn’t deserve you and he’s probably just maintaining relationship with you as a responsibility and for the optics
NTA.
Should have said all the people we love were there, rather than all that loved us.
Are you sure that that’s categorically true? That you had no RSVPs no? That other people might not take offense that this wasn’t aimed at?
I don’t think you thought this through.
Also fuck your dad’s feelings. He has never cared about yours.
The only thing I would say is “you reap what you sow.”
As a man, your father if we can call it that sucks. We aren’t weak, he is just bad father.
Wait his stepdaughter is a 25 year old adult woman?!
He’s the AH. Obviously.
NTA, he basic put having sex before your needs. This comes down to keeping his wife happy by putting her child first. It’s time to cut contact with him. Tell him you are done being let down. He could have come to your wedding. She was having elective surgery, not emergency surgery. Her mother was there. Do not put it past the daughter picking this date on purpose.
NTA. Keep up the low to no contact with your dad. He’s not worth worrying about. Good luck.
NTA, I have stopped making parents feel better for their poor parenting. This is what you did and how I’ve reacted to it. It’s the consequences of your actions. If you can’t handle the consequences please do not expect me to bend over and hurt my own self to make you the bad parent more comfortable. I also tell anyone who objects to how I treat my father they will be on a short leash with me as I have boundaries and I enforce them. Tell your aunt you know what it’s about time my father got some of my spite I’m not obligated to coddle him after he made his choices.