I’ll have a TLDR version first and give more detailed background below for people who want it.
I (32m) have an 8 year old son, Cole, with my ex (32f). We share custody of Cole 50-50. My ex has been remarried for almost 4 years and her husband is Tyler (35m). There’s a lot of bad blood because Tyler is the other man and a lot happened. So things aren’t warm between us to put it mildly. My ex and Tyler did not support Cole joining cooking and baking classes when he expressed an interest in joining them. They didn’t feel it was a boy activity. My ex eventually gave in because Cole had no interest in football and basketball like Tyler really wanted. Tyler has come around very recently and he has expressed hurt that Cole never invites him to family participation days at his classes. He invites me and his maternal grandma mostly. His mom gets some invites. My ex and Tyler don’t feel I’m doing good by Cole because I won’t encourage him to invite his stepdad.
And maybe I’m not being fair which is why I’m posting here. AITA?
For those who want more background on everything I’ll provide it here.
Like I mentioned above. I share custody of Cole with my ex. When Cole was 3 we found out she was pregnant again. That very same day I found out she had been cheating on me with Tyler for more than a year at that point. I ended our marriage and told her I wanted to find out for sure if the baby was mine or not. She told me we’d have to wait and she wasn’t risking her child for anyone.
Tyler knew about me the whole time the affair was happening and for reasons I don’t understand he expected me to happily let him raise the second baby regardless of who the actual father was. I told him I wasn’t going to be pushed out of the baby’s life if they were mine and I already had Cole so I wasn’t going anywhere. He told me at the time Cole didn’t need me. I told him he did need me and so would the baby if they were mine. I told him the baby would be defaulted to mine at birth anyway because I was married to my ex. This angered Tyler and he insisted on doing the DNA test while my ex was pregnant. My ex gave in and the test proved Tyler was the father of the baby.
My ex lost her daughter with Tyler at 19 weeks. She blamed me. Even though Tyler insisted on the test she blamed me. A few days after the loss she suffered a post-birth complication and needed a hysterectomy. Which was also blamed on me. Once they lost their child there was never going to be any good between us. But the hysterectomy pushed us into a very bad place where they wanted me to leave and let them raise Cole between them while I wasn’t walking away from my son and hated the two of them for the affair.
I admit it made me sick that Cole might grow up to see Tyler as his second dad. That he might even love Tyler eventually. It worried me too. But I went to therapy to try and do right by Cole.
My ex’s mom sided with me in the breakup and had a massive fallout with my ex. Ex’s mom told my ex she was a disgusting cheat just like her father. So ex has always held it against me that I remained on good terms with her mom and that her mom sees Cole through me. She wanted her erased from their lives entirely after she compared her to her father, who cheated on her mom.
There were times we ended up in court over stupid stuff. After my ex and Tyler married they wanted to change Cole’s last name to theirs, which was rejected. They wanted primary custody on the argument of a two parent household and they were denied that. They wanted Tyler to have equal rights to Cole which was also denied. Ex wanted to change the school Cole was in after he started and used the court to try and do that and was denied.
When Cole expressed an interest in the junior cooking and baking classes I was very much in favor but my ex and Tyler resisted like I mentioned. They used a lot of stereotypical arguments about it not being for boys. Tyler said he wanted to play ball with Cole and no son of his would be like that. I told Tyler Cole was my son, not his, and he was proving not to be a very good stepfather. My ex raged at me for saying Tyler was a stepfather when I cost them the chance at being parents together. She also wouldn’t give into the idea of the cooking and baking classes. It took months for her to accept them and give permission and it was only because she was losing her relationship with Cole.
Tyler didn’t come around until recently and he tried to get involved but Cole doesn’t have a good relationship with Tyler and this is just one of many times according to my ex that Cole makes it seem like Tyler isn’t even family let alone a parent. I can’t say that saddens me. But I was told since they can’t have more kids together then I should do a better job of sharing the role of dad with Tyler and letting Cole thrive with the benefit of two dads.
We communicate through two different parenting apps. And this has all been discussed there although I don’t really reply to this kind of thing much. I don’t feel charitable toward my ex or Tyler. But I know that might be selfish because maybe it’s not putting Cole first. I don’t think Tyler is a good stepdad to encourage that relationship between them but maybe I’m extremely biased.
Comments
NTA – you’re supporting your son and Tyler is not.
Him not being included is because of his own actions and lack of support.
NTA It’s not your job to fix the relationship between Tyler and Cole, and you certainly have no obligation to make up for the fact that your ex can’t have other children. There are very good reasons she’s your ex, and you don’t need to take her opinions seriously. They have a very egocentric view of the world, thinking that you’ll remove yourself from their lives and let them raise your son, or that you should be doing anything at all to make their lives more comfortable. Your only job is to be the best father that you can be and support your son.
It is not your job to facilitate a relationship with your son and his stepfather, and frankly the less of a relationship he has with this trainwreck of toxic masculinity, the better Cole will be. NTA.
NTA, you are actually being a great dad by allowing your son to be and do what he wants while step dad is fighting against what your son wants and is instead trying to push his own ideas and wants onto him. Continue supporting your son and allowing him to follow his own interests, you are doing great there.
NTA as long as you’re not purposely poisoning your son against them. It sounds like you’re simply letting them answer to their own actions.
I think your ex needs to get some personal and family counseling if she continues to blame you for her fertility issues. They also need some parenting classes. Kids are very intuitive. I suspect your son is very aware that they want you out of the picture.
NTA – Tyler is trying to make Cole what he thinks a son “should be”. You are raising a proud young man and recognising his interests and hobby’s. I am a step dad and a dad to 5 children. They are all different with different interests. The only reason I get on with them all is I take an interest in them. Not trying to to make them what I want. Well done, sounds like you’re a great dad.
Nta. Your son can invite who he wants to family days. If he wanted to invite Tyler he would do it without being encouraged to do so. He should never feel pressured or like he has to invite someone to do something or be there.
Wow, that’s a doozy. As a mother of two myself, I stand with you on the side of not forcing your son to accept a stepdad who’s been unsupportive or is trying to impose outdated views on him! NTA. About the hysterectomy, I didn’t get how that led to such a bad place and turned this ex-husband into basically public enemy number one! Can someone clue me in?
As a former step-parent, and now divorced parent, the relationship between a child and step-parent should be encouraged by the spouse married to that step, and decided by the child. My ex’s affair partner thought she was going to the replacement mommy and my kids rejected her so hard, never wanted her at their events, wouldn’t talk to her if she showed up anyway. With my partner, they love him like a 2nd dad and want him at everything. I’m not able to attend a difficult day for him, and my teenager actually offered to go in my place. Because they choose this relationship.
I have to say I’m more supportive of his current girlfriend, but definitely never the affair partner. When my kids are getting a little snotty, I encourage them to back down. But I don’t say, “You should invite so-and-so to do this!” because they should be the ones making that decision.
NTA UpdateMe
NTA your ex’s problems are just that – your ex’s problems. She is trying to force her latest fling on the boy & that will backfire spectacularly. Keep being the dad who listens, the dad who supports, the dad who accepts your son as he is. Tyler will succeed or fail depending on Tyler’s own actions with zero input from or impact on you.
NTA my parents divorced when I was 2. Had stepmum and stepdad by the time I was 4. And in my opinion, trying to force things will always fail. But if Tyler builds a good relationship with Cole at other times, Cole will then invite him. You encouraging it will just make it even more pressured and more likely to backfire.
Nope, not your job to try to help them. They caused all their own problems trying to push you out. That is completely on them with her losing the baby and her subsequent hysterectomy. That is on her she doesn’t realize it and want to make you the scapegoat. They did the damage themselves with your son. How dare he say no son of mine is doing this. He isn’t the dad. He is your ex’s husband. You are his dad and you support his interests. You stay out of it. Not your job or responsibility to try to fix what they messed up. This child is old enough to invite whoever he wants. He knows they didn’t support him in this and who knows what they said to him when you weren’t there. You just focus on your relationship and support of your son. Do let them try to use you to fix this for them. Believe you me they will turn around and get you in the back when it suits them.
So kind of a “shark jump” here as the tests they use for paternity pre birth are non invasive and wouldn’t have any affect on the baby whatsoever. If this is a true story the test had no part in the death of the daughter and your ex would know that and a hysterectomy 17 weeks after the birth, again wouldn’t have had anything to do with the paternity test.
NTA
Your ex sure feels comfortable blaming you for the consequences of her actions.
Like you said, it was her actions to why she didnt know who the father was. It was her husband who pressed for the DNA test and SHE relented. None of that was or us on you, and I hope you’ve mentioned this to your lawyer as they seem to bring it up every time something doesn’t go their way as an attempt to guilt you.
Anyway, if Cole wanted Tyler there, he’d ask and I’m sure you’d agree even if you didn’t like it because you put your son first. As Cole hasn’t asked, then the answer is no.
NTA. You are supporting your son, and it’s not your place to manipulate your son into accepting Tyler as a second father.
If Tyler wants to be seen as a good dad, he needs to reflect that in his behaviour.
NTA. Your ex is a piece of work, OP. No wonder she gets along so well with Tyler, because they are cut from the exact same cloth of AHoliness. Good for you, OP, you’re being a great dad.
NTA. Ex and Tyler are treating your son like an object—a prize to be won, a mirror to reflect their likes and values. Thank you for supporting his interests and allowing him to be his own person. Love that you and grandma have teamed up to support your child. Stay the course.
Wow, the entitlement of your ex and her cheating partner are off charts. NTA, especially since your son is not on board with her mom’s partner having a paternal figure. If he felt differently, then it would make sense. They reap what they sow, and you have to fully contribute the exact amount of effort to their happiness as what they contributed to yours. Matching energy is in! Carry on, sir.
You can’t be serious. Why would you encourage your son to invite your wife’s affair partner who doesn’t even approve and is trying to get you out if his life. Are you trying to teach your son to be a doormat?
NTA. You are and always have been putting your child first. It isn’t your job to force your child to have a relationship with his step father. Also, it is nobody’s fault they lost that baby. It might have happened even without the prenatal DNA test.
NTA Forcing a relationship never works, these things need to develop on their own with time and patience.
Your ex has gone about this all wrong and you would think that by now she has a clue.
I think some of the best chefs are male and it’s not a a strictly feminine profession imo, encourage your son and be supportive. Good luck 🍀
Nta
Who give a shit what the affair partner wants??
Boohoo.
NTA. Tyler has no right to attend any event. Cole sends out the invites and doesn’t want him there. That’s all there is to it. Tyler is not, and never will be, his dad.
Oh f that. Cole will want to live with you full time before too long.
NTA- it is not your job to make their lives easier or better. It is your job to support your son. If Cole wants to involve Tyler, let him. If he doesn’t, don’t make him. Tyler relationship with Cole is entirely on Tyler to foster and grow, or to mess up and ruin on his own.
You are doing a good job by listening to your son and allowing him the space to explore his interests and express his feelings about the people in his life.
Your ex and Tyler made their choices- which led them to where they are. It is sad she had health complications, but you did not “cause” her hysterectomy. You did not make her cheat and get knocked by the AP. You did not even ask for an in utero paternity test. You have no fault in their lives, so hold your head high and keep your focus where it belongs- on Cole and your future with him.
Updateme!
NTA – It isn’t your responsibility to encourage your boy to have a relationship with your ex or her husband or her family. Not your responsibility to make sure the ex’s side is included in anything with your boy. Screw the lying cheating wh…r….e…
NTA. Tyler wants your son to be a stereotypical macho man because he doesn’t understand that playing sports is only ONE of the many ways a male can be considered manly. He clearly doesn’t understand that most of the greatest chefs in the world are men. There’s no shame in cooking.
Most of the top Chefs in the world are men. How is that not for boys/men to do.
Nta. Men should know how to feed themselves and it’s awesome that your son shows an interest so early. (Also the sheer number of male professional chefs in my social circle should show Tyler where to stick his ridiculous gender ideas).
Thank you for standing up for and supporting your son in his interests. And no, you’re under no obligation to pave the way for a relationship between your son and Tyler.
NTA.
You are looking out for the best ways to support your son.
Who is, btw, not a CAR to be shared when Tyler decides he wants a ride.
Prepare yourself-Ex and Tyler are doing their level best to ensure Cole drops them from his life as soon as he’s 18.
Which they will also blame you for.
NTA
It’s Cole’s choice who he invites. Don’t pressure him to invite people he doesn’t want to or he might resent you.
Good for you for standing up for your son!
It’s great that kids have activities to learn and keep busy (and helps keep them out of trouble) but they have to be activities the kid wants to do!
NTA
I think tyler and your ex are in desperate need for therapy, to have some professional guidance on how to process disappointment, without looking for scapegoats.
You didn’t ’cause’ any medical issues she had/has, and her openly blaming you for them sounds like a really toxic situation for Cole.
Imagine him not understanding everything, and then hearing things like his father killed his baby sister, and is responsible for his mother not being able to have more children.
Tyler’s relationship with Cole is their responsibility. Not yours.
Next time they push, ask how they intend to support and encourage a relationship your future partner would have, as his stepmother.
(I bet they wouldn’t do anything to make it any easier, and they’d go out of their way to make it hell)