I am trying to understand how I can support & love on my partner without having to give up something I enjoy. We have been friends for 12 years, dating for 2. (TL;DR at end, sorry for formatting, I am on mobile.)
I (27F) LOVE romance. I’m such a sap for romance plotlines in video games, novels, movies, tv, anime, you name it. I love love. I am a high functioning autistic person & tend to get emotionally attached to fictional characters. Aa a teen, I feel like I projected a lot of love onto fictional characters because I wasn’t conventionally attractive and had few boyfriends. I have always had some weird feelings around this myself, but I generally equate it to having a favorite plushie or blanket or something.
I grew up in a home filled with love. I loved Disney princesses and fairytales and the idea that someone would love me like that, too. My parents, while not perfect, have set the bar so damn high for my sister and I. They’re my Han Solo and Leia Organa. They’ve gotten sappier now that they’re empty nesters. My parents have shown me that you can be loved for who you are, regardless of your physical image. We’re all fat. I’ve made peace with loving my squishy body!! And want to be loved for all of me!
My partner (29m), on the other hand, doesn’t care for romance in media. He hasn’t really been in serious relationships, and struggles with self-worth. I think he is anxiously avoidant while wanting so desperately to be loved & secure. He grew up watching a lot of people around him not be in love; his parents never married, his dad recently got his act together after years of being a miserable, abusive man who depended on alcohol and fought with every girlfriend he (the dad) had, he watched his best friend go through an abusive marriage and messy divorce, and he himself experienced not-entirely-committed situationships. My partner feels jaded in some aspects. Like he didn’t get to experience love and freedom, so why should anyone else? He’s always waiting for “the bad” to happen, as sort of a gotcha! moment.
When Baldur’s Gate 3 came out, I was excited for an outlet for me to play D&D in a way. I let the chips fall where they did and ended up having my first character romance Astarion, who I found myself relating to as his storyline progressed (used for his body, what he could provide, etc.) I jabbered about this with my girlfriends, who were also playing BG3, and my partner caught wind of it and just got… weird about it? In the same space with my girls, I always gush about my partner, especially early on when the relationship was fresh. But he acted like I never did any of that, and instead was putting a fictional character over “us.” There was a moment where we were out with friends, and the friends started talking about how “hot” the romance scenes were. I didn’t chime in and instead suggested we leave, because I could see he was clearly uncomfortable. I have previously had to watch certain shows like Bridgerton in private or while he is gone because it makes him uncomfortable.
We talked it out later, and it sounded like romance aspects in games, media, etc., just made him uncomfortable. We agreed that I wouldn’t talk about or view romance in a space where he could see it. That was my interpretation anyway. I recently picked up another game with romance subplots at the recommendation of a friend, and when he found out I was playing it, he was angry, even though I wasn’t hiding it from him and not playing it for the romance aspects out of concern.
I truly cannot understand why he is interpreting this as emotional cheating. Honestly, as NSFW as it is, nobody benefits more from my enjoyment of romance than him. When I was reading through ACOTAR and Fourth Wing, before he found out they were romance fantasy novels, we were physically intimate at least two or three nights a week. I pictured us as the protagonists, for crying out loud!! When he found out I was reading romantasy, he acted like I had been watching porn behind his back. I can’t share with him that I fantasized about him while he was out of the house, because he gets upset and thinks I’m just “taking care of myself” because he isn’t good enough. He feels similarly when I’ve explained to him that I envision us as the characters, which I can’t wrap my head around.
All of this came to a head last night because it truly sounds like he wants me to give up romance completely because “it hurts him.” I feel like the goalpost has been moved. He equates my enjoyment of romance with emotionally cheating on him. It is one of the few things I truly enjoy that we don’t share. Romance media is my little corner of the world.
He’s an incredible partner outside of this conflict. We are so silly together & tend to be on the same wavelength. We started seeing a couples therapist because he wants to try therapy but is scared, and I want to learn how to better communicate as a partner and learn how to cultivate a healthy relationship, so we’re going together, and we’ve learned a lot so far. One of the activities was for us to separately write about a conflict we’ve worked through & identify role in the conflict. Without any words, we picked the exact same conflict relating to our first trip we took together. We have been a little distant lately because he is struggling with his own mental health. Our therapist comments a LOT on how she can see the love and care we have for one another, even when we cannot see it. I support him as best I can, I listen when he turns to me (which has become more & more rare as he turns to his friends to talk about our relationship), I try to initiate physical intimacy. I have admitted to him I am scared we are drifting apart, and that has brought us back together a little. We’re devoting more time to one another again and breaking the routine of going to work, coming home, going to bed, repeat. But this feels like it’s still looming.
I am admittedly jealous of friends whose partners lean into their enjoyment of romance media, or even enjoy it alongside them. Part of me wonders if he thinks the romance I consume is purely erotica or something, like male-gaze romance tends to be? I dunno. My friends, coworkers, and individual therapist don’t understand why he’s interpreting it this way, especially when I make it so clear that I love him and adore him. Also adding that I have explicitly told him I don’t fantasize about the characters, that I want him more than anything, and that romance media gives me ideas for things for us to try (if u know what i mean!!)
I truly want to understand what I can do here, because I am at a loss. It feels like it might go deeper than what I am seeing. How can I support him and find a balance? Am I going to have to give up romance forever? How can I explain it to him that I enjoy romance but I don’t value it over our physical, tangible relationship?
TL;DR: partner feels inferior & like he isn’t good enough because I enjoy romance media & subplots, considers my enjoyment & love for characters to be emotionally cheating. I can make the distinction that it isn’t real and show my love for him however I can, try to show my appreciation for him by attending to his love languages (physical affection, quality time). He has low self-confidence & is working on it, but it is hard to immediately fix 29 years of negative self-image. I want to know how I can balance this, or if I need to come to peace with giving up romance media.
Comments
Quite frankly, your partner is being unreasonable and obsessive.
Nothing about this is emotional cheating, because they aren’t real. His insecurity is something only he can address, and you changing to fit his insecurity is actively bad for BOTH of you. You’ve already noticed the goalposts shifting, and that’s because insecurity grows when you feed it. The more you agree to, the more restrictive he will get. Punching back at it is the ONLY healthy path.
You need to sit him down and tell him firmly that you will NOT be giving up anything. This is who you are, and he knew this when you two started out. Fictional characters are not a threat to him. Tell him that you’re sorry he doesn’t like this, and also it’s integral to your personality. He needs to find a way to be okay with it. If he can’t do that alone, he needs a therapist.
He sounds like a miserable asshole who’s upset everyone isn’t as miserable as him. Instead of jokingly learning how to do the Booktok wall lean or doing a BG3 co-op playthrough with you, he’d rather you not experience any happiness especially when it makes him look worse in comparison.
I would rather be single forever than have some man control what media I consume.
You’re allowed to fantasize about whoever you want, and you’re allowed to masturbate whenever you want—this is just basic body autonomy and privacy. His controlling nature is immature at this age and unhealthy.
His reaction to your enjoyment of romance is not normal. You are not emotionally cheating on him because these things are all fictional and don’t exist.
He seems a bit controlling and if I were you, I’d think about whether or not you want to be with someone like this forever. If romance is important to you and it sounds like it is, then if you stay with this man, you will likely never be able to enjoy romance media without feeling guilty or like it creates conflict.
This is not your problem to fix, OP. You need to establish some boundaries.
His avoidant attachment or trauma is one thing, but it’s not fair to make this your problem just because he has feelings of inferiority.
You enjoy fiction and romance and it has always been like that. He knows this. You were like that when you two met. And now he wants you to change? Absolutely not. He can’t just expect you to change and limit yourself just because your media consumption triggers his inferiority complex.
For the record: this has nothing to do with emotional cheating. Or do you get to be jealous when he watches p**n? I doubt it.
Don’t ever think you can make insecure men less insecure by giving them power over you. You can’t. He needs to get into therapy and work on his issues. But he doesn’t get to make his complex your problem.
If this makes it impossible for him to have a healthy relationship, then that’s tragic but it’s not your job to fix this or accommodate him.
Him trying to get you to adjust your behavior instead of having a long hard look in the mirror is a red flag to me. He needs to work on himself, not make you change into a smaller version of yourself.
This is not a situation where you should tweak your behavior to accommodate his damage. It is a situation where he should get therapy to fix his damage.