BF doesn’t wanna go to Therapy
My boyfriend M25 and I F26 have been together 1 and a half years. We have some issues we would like to work through before we talk about marriage. Im a huge advocate or therapy or couples therapy and my partner is heavily against both ideas. He has bad communication issues, shuts down when he is upset and lies often. Especially in the beginning of the relationship. He also had very bad hygiene issues which we have spoken about together and Ive given him time to improve on everything. Im noticing we’re still having a few issues and I felt like I given my all. He’s had a very rough childhood (no parents around) and developed some really bad habits.
I just want a long lasting relationship and I think therapy would be a huge help. He said he would go but keeps brushing it off and not taking it seriously. Not sure if I want to continue the relationship if these issues aren’t fixed. Should you leave a partner if they don’t want to go to therapy
TLDR: my boyfriend doesn’t want to save our relationship
Comments
You can’t force someone to do something that they don’t want for themselves honestly. I come from a bad childhood too and when I met my partner I know I needed to change in order to be the best version of myself for them so I took the initiative to do better.
If he’s not willing to take that initiative and make the changes for himself and you, I don’t see the point in beating a dead horse
Yes you should leave this partner for multiple reasons, the hygiene being the first one. And the lack of ability to communicate and discuss issues is a huge problem.
Don’t stay with someone who does not want to engage in addressing relationship issues.
Why would you bother putting effort into “working through issues” with a smelly liar who can’t use his words?
I guarantee you can do better.
Let’s say he will go to therapy for “your sake” or “because you will otherwise break up”.
It won’t work then. Therapy isn’t sitting around and having a nice chat with the therapist; it’s hard work. Be it going back through horrible experiences to understand where behavior comes from, be it working hard to change unhealthy habits… all of that only ever happens when you are willing to put in the work and go through the buried crap.
Someone who is just going to therapy for someone else will have 0% success with therapy and their point of view – that therapy is useless – will just get stronger and feel ‘proven’ to them.
That said, it is also not healthy to treat people as a project. Either you love someone like they are or you should break up. If you only want a partner if they would change to suit you, that’s not love – that is condescendingly treating a person as your project, in your case with you wanting a therapist to “shape” your boyfriend into the partner you want.
It doesn’t matter that a person his age should be able to communicate well and have good hygiene. If he doesn’t want to change for himself, if he doesn’t want to go to therapy for himself, then you need to leave him be – and also leave him if you don’t want the man he is and wants to be.
If he isn’t motivated to change or grow, then you have to decide whether you want a life with him as he is now. Given what you’ve listed as issues you want to address in therapy, I think you’re better off cutting your losses now. Communication is a cornerstone to a healthy relationship, as is honesty.
>He has bad communication issues, shuts down when he is upset and lies often.
Not boyfriend material
Therapy only works if BOTH partners want to work on it together and show up for each other. If it’s only one sided it’ll never work
People have to want to do things for themselves before doing it. It doesn’t sound like his life goals align with yours.
Just because his parents failed him, doesn’t mean it is now your job to try and shape this putrid boy into a decent human being with basic empathy and hygiene practices. You aren’t even getting paid for it, sis.
Dump his stank ass already, get some standards and send him a bill for your babysitting services.
Pretty self explanatory. Find yourself another guy. Therapy won’t help with basic things like lying and not washing.
If I were you I’d give an ultimatum. Schedule a therapy appointment with him, tell him time and place. Obviously schedule a time you know he will be available. He doesn’t show up.
You have your answer
I mean, there are other ways to fix your issues than therapy. What is he suggesting? Because it doesn’t just sound like he’s against therapy, it sounds like he’s against improving his hygiene, and being honest. Why would you date someone like that?
Your tldr is all you need to know. Break up.
if you’re looking to therapy after only being together 1.5 years, that’s a red flag by itself. coupled with him refusing to go, it seems like an easy choice to just not be with him