I (F34) am looking for advice. The fact I have to write this out, means it’s probably not just my brain going into overdrive
I (F34) have been exclusively dating a guy (M39) for 2 months. He’s been great so far, decent guy, not a player or womanizer at all. Sensitive, kind, and very low key. And he has mostly female friends
One of his friends (F30) we’ve already talked about and put up boundaries, as they were intimate and he told me he had really liked her last year. He was fine and respected the concerns I raised. He assured me he wanted to make me comfortable and agreed with not hanging out with her anymore
Another one of his friends (F34) he had a crush on for the last few years. When him and I were just friends before dating, he told me he liked this girl a lot but that nothing had happened as she never reciprocated interest. Fast forward to us now dating, and I’ve seen her name pop a few times on his phone every few weeks
He met the (F34) girl while out and about for work, and she lives about an hour away. He had hung out with her a few times in the last couple years, just going for hikes and grabbing dinner. There was zero intimacy, and I fully believe that. He is definitely not her type. From what I can gather, she just liked having him for emotional support
When her names popped up on his phone he hasn’t tried to hide it, but his energy shifts. I have trauma from my last relationship, so at first I brushed it off and sat with my feelings and related it back to my own previous experiences. When I saw her name again last night I couldn’t help but get a gut feeling that the energy was off. I sat with it for a few hours, then talked to him about it. He was open and honest, reassuring me that they talk every few weeks just to check in as friends. She struggles with mental health and has had a rough life. He still deeply cares about her as a friend, but reiterated nothing has ever happened. And truly, I don’t think it has
He is a genuinely caring person, incredibly kind and serving to others. Always looking to help others, regardless of gender (I just want to make that clear)
He’s been honest and open about everything I ask, I have no reason not to trust him. But I see a lot of his friendships as self serving from yhe girl’s side. I think he gets emotionally and financially taken advantage of by even just friends. Him and I have talked about it, and he agrees. I can tell that a lot of these girls enjoy him for being a nice guy who validated their feelings and probably like the attention he’s given in the past
His last relationship was very controlling and his ex wife (F36) would barely let him talk to anyone but herself. So he’s got trauma as well. Though, he remains good friends with her, too. I have no concerns regarding their friendship as his ex has been in a committed gay relationship for the last 5 years
Am I overthinking my gut feeling about the one girl? I slept on it, and I feel more irritable about it this morning. He wants to talk about it later today, but had basically said last night that she’s an important friend to him
I can’t shake this feeling. I tried saying it out loud to myself as if I was telling a friend, and the whole situation doesn’t sound right. I’m worried about these conversations so new into a relationship. It’s hard to know if my concerns are valid, because me and almost all my straight, female friends have been cheated on. So it’s hard not to fall into that narrative about men
I usually don’t get jealous, and I’m very easy going. I try to trust my partner(s) and communicate my concerns. Again, he’s given me no reason not to trust him. I don’t understand why this is bothering me so much that they talk every few weeks. I can’t tell if I should be listening to my intuition or relating this to past trauma
What is fair for me to say and do in this situation?
TL;DR : my boyfriend M39 is friends with a girl F34 he was head over heals for and wants to remain friends with her