Me and my gf have been together for about two years. The best way to describe this relationship has been the highest highs and lowest lows. I want to preface everything by saying I’ve never met a single woman that matches my sense of humor and vibe like she does. A lot of people we meet think that we’re the girl/guy version of each other. We met and immediately became best friends and got together a month after. If we didn’t start dating, I have no doubt in my mind she would’ve been my best friend. This is all to say I truly do love her and I know she loves me, but we’re coming to find that love might not be enough.
There are certain issues that contribute to the lowest lows aspect. To be blunt, majority of it is on her. She’s incredibly insecure, emotional, needs constant reassurance about everything, etc. On my end, I’m a very confident, independent and secure, so I’m not really used to dealing with someone that’s insecure. The problem is that I can’t help her in almost all situations because there’s nothing I ever do to make her insecure, it’s all in her head. She would sometimes see a hot girl while scrolling tiktok and ask me 21 questions being like is she hot, is her boobs nice, would you like me better if I had her boobs, etc. There’s no right answer and she wants me to be honest and she usually only shows literal 10/10 girls so I do say like “I find you the hottest (my gf) but yeah she’s pretty attractive I guess” and then she’d get upset. Meanwhile, I have no social media (other than Reddit I guess), no social life, nothing. I just work, exercise, cook, eat, sleep. Like I’d say I want to book a fitness class where there’ll be men and women and she’d get a little upset and need tons of reassurance since there would be other women there. However she then goes and lifts weights with a random guy from work and thinks nothing of it. Similarly, in the rare ocassion a friend would ask to go out, she’d always freak out to know I’m going out to a bar where there could be other women so I typically end up denying the invitation, but she has no issues going out clubbing with her friends. I know there’s no ill intent and I trust her completely with going our or whatever but it hurts to know that she thinks I can’t handle myself literally around any female and that I’d cheat or do whatever, but she’s free to go exercise or out to clubs with her male friends.
She was also raised in a house with a lot of siblings and she works in a high stress male dominant environment so she’s very blunt, direct, quick tempered, almost agressive. Her two ex’s were also very agressive, shouting, yelling type of people. Meanwhile I was an only child and I’ve only ever known love, softness, etc. I don’t think I’ve ever yelled or gotten angry at anyone. Like my parents never really yelled at me or anything like that but if I do something too slow or whatever with my gf, she’d immediately roll her eyes, sigh out loud, etc. Again, she was raised in a house with a lot of siblings, plus dealing with her ex’s, so she’s used to fighting for things and the loudest voice wins in her household. This is hurting me deeply because I just consider a lot of the ways she treats me pretty mean, but she doesn’t think much of it. I know she isn’t trying to be mean but still.
I’ve always told her these things bother me but a few months ago I reached a boiling point and I blew up. I tried to end it but she didn’t want to and so I stayed and we got into therapy.
Now I’m a bit lost on what to do and to know whether I should let her go or keep trying. It feels very unfair that I’m asking her to change major parts of her personality but I know that if nothing changes we’ll just come to the same spot once again. I’ve asked her straight up which parts she can change and she told me she’s not sure if she’ll ever be secure, stop neeing reassurance, stop being dominant/too impatient, etc. I can do a better job of suppressing my sadness and being okay with how she treats me but I just can’t help it. I was raised as a very soft and emotional guy and while I’m a giant on the outside, I’m a teddy bear on the inside. She says she loves this about me and doesn’t want me to change that but I feel like the two personalities are just not compatible. It’ll always end up with me being hurt because she’s being too agressive or whatever. At the same time though, she’s constantly saying how afraid she is of losing me because I’m the best guy she’s ever had and I feel the same. I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone who matches my vibe and personality like her, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this.
tldr: So I guess my question is, how do I decide when love isn’t enough? Even now I know we love each other deeply, but how do I decide whether to continue trying or stop? Does what I described seem like something she could fix? Like I’m 28 and she’s 27 and I know she wants to get married and have kids in the next 2~ years, but I don’t know if I can promise that with the way things are right now. I definitely don’t want to be 40 with kids and still having to answer questions about other womens bodies, etc. I love her so much and I cried myself to sleep last night imagining that she’ll never lay ontop of me cuddling ever again and that broke my heart but idk if I can keep having my heart broken in other ways to keep that alive. Any advice is appreciated.
Comments
You’re not asking get to stop being herself. You’re asking her to become the healthy version of herself.
Angry, insecure, controlling – these aren’t personality traits. These are flaws that she can absolutely work out if she tries hard enough. She won’t be marriage material to any emotionally mature/healthy man until that’s resolved anyway. Whether it’s you or someone else.
She needs to do this for her and her future. If she can’t, then you deserve to go find someone who’s on your level.
> I definitely don’t want to be 40 with kids and still having to answer questions about other womens bodies, etc
Your choice has been made, then.
She told you outright she doesn’t think she can change, and this kind of thing would make her an awful parent and wife. It sucks, it hurts, but you’re not compatible.
She’s afraid of losing you– but not afraid enough to put in the work of fixing her insecurity.
Here’s a tip: whoever told you that love was enough to overcome fundamental incompatibilities, verbal abuse, and an unwillingness or inability to grow and change was wrong. If you got this message from media (fairytales, books, stories, films with a “happy ending,” etc) either the media is very suspect or you have misinterpreted it.
Your relationship is not going to work and shouldn’t unless your girlfriend can truly deal with her insecurities and her nasty treatment of you. That doesn’t mean going to therapy just because you wanted to leave her, it means acknowledging that the way she treats you is fucked up and genuinely wanting to change it.
>while I’m a giant on the outside, I’m a teddy bear on the inside. She says she loves this about me and doesn’t want me to change that
Of course she doesn’t want you to change. You’re the first boyfriend she’s had who puts up with her bullshit without complaining. That’s not to say the ones who matched her aggression and meanness were right either. A healthy person would simply refuse to engage with or cater to her outlandish demands for reassurance, and would straight up leave if she was constantly rolling her eyes and showing them contempt.
Like you, we have no idea of how her therapy is going or whether she’s truly motivated to do the work. But if you haven’t noticed any change in her behaviour, that’s not a good sign. Remember: she only goes to therapy because you told her “your behaviour is hurting me so much I’m leaving you,” not because of all the times when (I’m assuming) you told her “your behaviour is hurting me.”