[29M] People who asked your friends to step up – how did it go?
Perhaps I’m operating with too high a standard for what it means to be someone’s friend, but lately, I’ve become disillusioned with most of mine. Specifically, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m always the one making plans with them, and if I don’t reach out, we wouldn’t hang out. I’ve basically stopped doing this for a week and to say that the experience has been enlightening would be an understatement.
But fundamentally, I actually like these people, and feel like maybe it’s me who has too high of a standard? Or perhaps it’s because, for my friends with ADHD, as they’ve said in the past, “If you’re not directly in front of my face you don’t exist” (not that I believe them – I do fundamentally believe that even if you have ADHD, you make time for the people you care for).
Either way, this puts me between a rock and a hard place. As far as I can tell, I have three options:
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Not confront them and start planning things again and act like everything is normal.
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Not confront them and inevitably drift apart.
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Confront them, which will likely only result in driving them away, because who likes being told “you’re being a shitty friend”, and even if you were told that, your response is likely NOT going to be to improve, but rather to distance yourself, because now there’s tension there and perhaps an expectation that you don’t want to (or can’t?) meet.
1 & 2 are things I’ve done before in the past, and I know how they play out (not great). I’m wondering if anyone has done option 3, and what the results were.
TL;DR: People who asked their friends to be better friends, what happened next?
Comments
I have ADHD. About 7 years ago my best friend told me she’s hurt when she leaves a message and I don’t call her back. I explained that I honestly forget to call her almost as soon as the message is done playing. It doesn’t mean I didn’t think about her because I do. So we’ve met in the middle. I try much harder to not only return her calls but because I know I suck at it, I reach out when I’m not returning a call just because something reminded me of her or I haven’t heard in a while. I started this post ready to say how much I improved but when I thought about it, I probably still suck, maybe I suck less tho, and she’s got a mountain of patience to put up with me. Honestly texting is better because it somehow hits my mental to do list better than returning a call. We won’t talk for a month then talk for 4 hours…
I think that instead of option 3 being “confront them and say they’re being a shitty friend” it should be more like “talk to them about how I wish they’d put in a bit more effort to reach out first or make plans.” I think that if you can frame it more as “I would appreciate this” rather than “you suck” it will not create as much tension and be more likely to produce your desired result.
>for my friends with ADHD, as they’ve said in the past, “If you’re not directly in front of my face you don’t exist” (not that I believe them – I do fundamentally believe that even if you have ADHD, you make time for the people you care for).
Why don’t you believe them? This is a hallmark ADHD trait. Unfortunately it’s very difficult to tell neuro typical people that, because they take it personally and/or assume it’s a lie.
You stopped planning for one week, and nobody asked to hang out. Do you truly think that people our age hang out that often?
Even really good friends don’t typically hang out all the time. We have families, work, sometimes health concerns, and sometimes just plain burnout. Expecting to hang out that much is unreasonable. Let them be the friend they want to and if you want more, find someone else who will give that to you.
You can’t bully your friends into being how you want them to be.
Instead of “confronting” them about “being a shitty friend”, why not just politely ask them to do more? If they don’t know that you want something different from your relationship, they’re not going to behave differently. Point out the pattern you’ve seen and ask if they’re able to do more like reaching out first or setting up activities. They could very well tell you that they can’t or won’t or say that they will and then don’t, but I feel like in the end you’ll feel like you did all you could for your friendship.
I’m sorry but I have friends with adhd and they think of me frequently! Text me often, call me, bring me surprises that made them think of me. Like yes adhd is a factor and they can be forgetful or disorganized but it’s not an excuse to forget about me entirely. Adhd or not but sometimes people just aren’t being good friends. How about option 4. Ask them if they can try to check in with everyone. Like forgetting someone exists is one thing but making no effort to remember them is another