So this happened a few days ago and I’m still kind of spiraling. We were hanging out like normal, just joking around, and then out of nowhere he said I’m fun but I’m not really “wife material.” He laughed after saying it, like it was a joke, but it hit me weird.
When I asked what he meant, he listed stuff like me not cooking, being messy, not being serious enough. Then he told me I’m amazing and he didn’t mean it as a bad thing, but I haven’t felt the same around him since.
We’ve been dating 4 months and I honestly thought we were on the same page. But now I’m just stuck in my head like, does he not see a future with me? Should I say something? Or just let it go?
I really like him and don’t want to overreact but this kinda hurt me more than I expected. I don’t want to start resenting him for something I never even brought up.
How do I even start this conversation without making it super awkward?
TL;DR: My boyfriend called me “not wife material” and now I’m second guessing the relationship. I don’t know how to talk to him about it without making things weird.
Comments
“What you said hurt my feelings and makes me think you don’t see a future with me, and while I am not yet sure when or if I am going to get married to anyone, it sort of seems pointless to date someone who’s told me early on that this would never be a step we’d take together, so I’m questioning our entire relationship and am feeling hurt and confused”
You’re a teenager. They’re messy and silly. There is nothing wrong with you. Marriage should be years way from being on the table.
It was a random and hurtful comment to make on his end. But you don’t actually need to be “wife material” when you’re 19. Live an adult life for like 4+ years. Then look for a spouse
You’re 19, why are you worrying about marriage to someone you have been “dating” for 4 months.
If it really bothers you then break up
I don’t think this guy is husband material, if the only metric by which he measures a woman’s value as a wife is by her ability to perform unpaid domestic labor.
I think you should tell him that his comment really hurt you and is making you re-think the relationship, and has made you feel like he doesn’t respect you. Ask him how he would feel if you said he wasn’t husband material. Ask him if he really thinks cooking and cleaning are “wife responsibilities” or if he is looking for a relationship where you both contribute to those things equally (I think there is some misogyny baked into what he is saying). Ask him how you are supposed to feel secure in the relationship after his comments.
You are both young, so maybe this was just a joke-gone-wrong. But even jokes betray some element of truth. And just 4 months in, you are usually better off just leaving people who say mean shit like this, because it usually happens again, because it wasn’t just a one-off or a joke. If you decide to stay, I would be hyper-vigilant about other signs of misogyny or like he doesn’t take you seriously as a life partner.
And yes, this conversation will be weird and awkward. It should be weird and awkward because he said a really shitty thing, and when you do that, it creates tension in the relationship. Just remember that he is the one who created the tension – you demanding respect and accountability is only a response to that.
I wonder if he meets the 666 rule? 6 feet, 6 pack abs, 6 figure salary?
He’s allowed to have standards for what he’s looking for in a life partner, but he’s still an ass for the way he said it. Move on.
I would guess he does not see a future with you, you’re fun to date for now and when he’s ready to settle down he’ll break up and look for the person he wants to be serious with.
And that is fine! But if you are serious about him, and looking for your husband, you’re not compatible and you should break up.
If you feel way too young to be looking for your husband, seems like you’re on the same page.
It’s also fine to be hurt that he made a rude comment, and is seemingly criticizing you for your cooking and cleaning. Does he cook and clean better than you? If not, I would tell him that it’s VERY sexist of him to be looking for skills in a partner that he doesn’t care about learning himself, and even if you were his wife you wouldn’t be in charge of food and cleaning like it’s 1950
Is he currently in a professional career with the ability to support a SAHM and the children you two might eventually have? No? Shocker! Maybe he is not “husband material”. LOL. Doesn’t mean he won’t be eventually…
You shouldn’t be “wife material” at 19. Or in 2025.
Congratulations, you just won the relationship equivalent of the lottery.
So this unwashed pinecone has told you clearly that he sees a woman as an unpaid servant that he also gets bang.
Dudes like him can be found in any gutter any old time you want to be treated like shit
Walk away, get your education, focus on what actually matters (hot tip it’s never some idiot that thinks women are lesser humans) make yourself a great career and stay single until there is someone worthy of your time, effort, and energy. Stay away from age gaps, they go young because they want control.
Off you go, make sure to laugh at this dude before you block him.
He told you how he feels about you, it’s not a joke when you say an insult and then laugh after. I think you should date someone else especially as a teenager.
I have a “no negging” policy – if the guy I’m dating negs me it means he’s not worth dating because he wants to low my self esteem to below his. Also, if he wants to date someone who cooks/cleans/is serious he probably should’ve dated someone who wasn’t 19 years old.
He’s admitting to you he views you as a placeholder girlfriend – if that’s not how you view him it’s time to reconsider.
Edit to add: it’s very obvious this man has sexist views on a woman’s role and likely also doesn’t cook and clean very well himself. He’s trying to shame you into doing more unpaid labor for him to meet his approval – he thinks you’re so dumb and naive you won’t notice the LAZIEST tactic to emotionally manipulate someone ever.
How do I even start this conversation?
Clean the place, cook smth simple to eat, and approach the subj during dinner.
You break up. And don’t act any way around him!
Yeah, he flat out told you he doesn’t see a future with you.
The longer you stay with someone who doesn’t think k you’re long term material, the more it will hurt. He sees you as fun and good enough for now. If you don’t view the relationship that way, you should end it.
What does a 21 year old dude know about “wife material” and why are you supposed to be “wife material” when you’re barely past your teens?
You are a teenager and way too young to be thinking about marriage right now but you’re just the right to learn a valuable lesson that when a person tells you who they are you listen.
He doesn’t see you as anything more than a young girl to hang out with and fuck, that’s all you mean to him and at your age that is not necessarily a bad thing you need to experience life and have fun but please don’t catch any feelings for him because he can’t reciprocate, he is just for fun.