I (23F) have been with my boyfriend (24F) for 5 years. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers too. So please spare me the just break up advice – I will not take it. I love this person and I see this as a phase we will get through. But I need to vent.
We started living together about a year and a half ago. We both work part time but I work early mornings and he works afternoons and nights. So a lot of the time we are in the house together, one of us is sleeping while the other is awake. He also recently started sleeping in the guest bed because he would frequently wake me up by coming into bed and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I don’t really mind, but I wish he would sleep with me at least twice a week. That doesn’t always happen though.
He also has a very intense phone addiction that I’ve talked to him about, but he doesn’t see it as a problem. Sometimes I’ll leave the house for work or whatever and he’ll be in bed doom scrolling, and then when I come back he’s in the exact same spot still scrolling. For hours on end multiple times a week. It makes me feel sad. I don’t like having that kind of energy in my house. I prefer roommates who are productive and somewhat industrious as I feed off the energy better. I also really make an effort to limit my phone use, so this is a difference in values.
I just feel lonely. I feel like I don’t see him in the ways I want to. I wish we had similar schedules instead of waking up a few hours before the other one goes to sleep. I love him so much and I just wish that our lifestyles matched up a bit better. It wasn’t always like this, so I trust it won’t always be.
We used to always hang out Sunday evenings after I got done with work. But recently he’s started helping his friend with a project on Sundays. Again, I don’t really mind that, but I wish we could find another time to have a routine. I think that’s a good place to start – agreeing on a certain time every week to spend meaningful time with each other. But I don’t know what else I can do at the moment. I’m just lonely. I miss my partner. I’m concerned for his mental health because of the phone addiction and lack of productivity. I don’t want to be on opposite schedules. What should I do?
TL:DR, We have different schedules and it’s making it so we can’t spend meaningful time with each other. Complete with the phone addiction, I am lonely and don’t know what to do.
Comments
You’re not asking for a way out. You’re asking for a way through, and Evidence-Based Thinking (EBT) is built for that. It doesn’t just measure what’s broken. It looks at what’s still working and where the pressure is coming from.
You love him. That hasn’t changed.
You don’t see him the way you used to. That has.
You work opposite schedules.
He’s disconnected, physically and emotionally.
He’s glued to his phone.
And every time you try to reconnect, you’re the one initiating.
EBT teaches us to focus on the pattern, not the intention.
This pattern shows a relationship slowly drifting, not because of a single moment, but because the routines that kept you close are gone, and nothing has replaced them.
You’re already seeing the first fix:
Create a new shared routine. Even once a week. Something sacred.
Not “if we’re free.” Not “if nothing else comes up.
”Something that says, this relationship still matters enough to schedule around.
Then go one layer deeper.
Set a boundary around screen time. Not a punishment, a reset.
Say something like:
“I know we’re tired. I know our timing sucks. But if we have even one hour together, I want us in the same room, not on two different screens. Can we try?”
If he says yes and follows through, good.
If he says yes and doesn’t, that’s a new piece of evidence.
You’re not blaming. You’re testing for effort.
And that’s how you’ll know what’s possible here.
Not from emotion. Not from fear.
From what he’s willing to build back with you.
Let the evidence lead the way.
~ Soke ~