Hi Reddit. Throwaway account.
My dad (63M) is severely depressed. He’s been like this since he lost his last job in November of 2024. He had trouble with depression previously when he lost his job a few years ago when he got in a DUI, but now it’s really, really bad.
My dad spends most of his time sleeping. When his body decides he can’t sleep anymore, he spends his time awake in bed, occasionally coming downstairs to pace around and complain that he’s restless or get a snack. He’ll usually “wake up for the day” at around 5PM and spend his waking hours watching TV until he falls asleep on the sofa in the living room at around 11.
My mom (64F) is retired.
I’m really starting to worry about our finances. My mom is basically his personal manager now, and she’s constantly calling insurance companies to help settle the crazy hospital bills we have because we had to have him committed several times. (We’re American btw). One time we had him go to a sort of adult rehabilitation camp, but he didn’t even last a week because he tried to commit suicide and got sent off to a hospital.
My brother, Ryan (26M) has lost all respect for our parents. He says they should have gotten divorced a long time ago and that my dad won’t ever recover. It’s starting to feel like he’s right. He spends most of his time at his girlfriend’s apartment so he doesn’t have to deal with the family drama.
There’s therapy that my dad goes to three times a week, but he’s constantly trying to get out of going. Today I awoke to my mom fighting him again–she had to call the therapist to get him to go. It’s always “I need a day off” with him.
It’s all making me very depressed. Were it not for my dad, I’d really like my life right now. I can’t help with the finances, unfortunately, as I only work part-time and most of my paycheck goes right into my student loans. I suppose I could defer them, but I have two loan servicers and one of them is going to start back up again in May, totalling from $700-$800 each month. I’m in a losing situation, especially because I pay hefty gym membership fees (personalized trainer, I have trouble going to the gym if it’s not an “appointment” where I have to book things and get told what to do.)
I don’t think I’d be able to convince my mom to go back to work. And as for working from home, both my parents are pretty terrible with computers (particularly my mom–one time I had to sit with her for 40 minutes to upload three facebook marketplace listings.)
TLDR: My severely depressed dad (63M) is a human zombie, my mom (64F) is retired and constantly fighting with him to try and get him to be an adult, and I (23F) don’t have anywhere to run to to get away from the chaos and don’t make enough money to help out with finances. I fear running out of money for my student loans and our family running out of money to pay our bills.
Any advice is appreciated.
Comments
This sounds really difficult and distressing. It’s important to know though, that even though your parents issues affect you, you are not responsible for them or their choices/decisions. You can’t force your dad to get help. You can’t force your mom to make different choices.
All you have control over is yourself. As difficult as it is, you must do everything you can to focus on your schooling and becoming independent so that you are no longer continuously dragged down by your parents issues.
There are probably conversations to be had with them in the future about what you may be able to help with going forward, but you are in no position to take on that responsibility right now, and as their child still in school arguably it should be them taking care of and helping you. Since they can’t or won’t do that, it’s fallen on you to watch out for yourself.
Once you get the metaphorical oxygen mask on your own face, you can try to help them with theirs.