My friend Alice and I have known each other for 10 years. Alice has worked at a private school for her entire adult life but last year, the school was bought and the new owners started to make changes that she didn’t like. On top of that, these changed caused all her senior managers to retire or quit. She also finally decided to quit late last year.
She quickly applied to and got hired to be an administrative assistant for a construction company. Just out of pure coincidence I have been working as an electrical engineer for the past 8 years, making a very decent living so i decided to tutored her about the industry. At first things seemed to be going well but she soon started to voice her displeasure with working there.
4 months later and she desperately wants to quit. She started talking about looking for a new job about 1.5 months ago but now she calls me everyday telling me how much she wants to quit. She says her managers are perverts, blame mistakes on her when she clearly wasn’t involved and are very unprofessional while not giving her any grace since she’s new to the industry. Her manager even said at one point that he hired her cause he thought he could “get at her.”
Today she calls me crying and says she can’t take it anymore. She says her managers are mean and unfair. I advised her that if she thinks no one in her direct line of management can’t help or won’t listen then to contact her HR. But she says she can’t cause they’re a small company and the one person who represents HR doesn’t know shit and is new to the job herself. I then advised that she start to aggressively start sending out her resume and applying and even referred her to an industry recruiter I worked with.
She says she doesn’t have time for that and can’t miss work for outside interviews. I told her that if she quits she won’t be able to file for unemployment. That’s when things get weird.
“I mean if there was some way you can maybe help support me while I find a new job?” Alice says.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“Well I can quit and I’d only be asking you to help buy me groceries and pay one or two bills. I’ll find a new job quickly. I was able to do it last time so I’d only need your help for a few weeks, a month tops.”
“Are you crazy? You’re asking me to be your unofficial unemployment?”
“I would only need like $500 a week and I can make side money selling my vitamins too to cover my other expenses. I would just need a bit of help for now.”
“No I think you should try your best to work things out at your job. If you don’t think HR or anyone there will help, then you need to put in the effort to find a new job.” I tell Alice.
Alice, still in tears says “ok” and says she will talk to me later and hangs up. I feel bad for Alice cause I’ve also worked on crappy jobs where I just wanted to quit but also don’t think she’s trying hard enough to rectify her work situation and instead is looking for a way to just quit right now.
Am I wrong for telling Alice to stay at this job that she hates? What else can she or I do?
Comments
Not wrong.
It definitely wasn’t nice of her to spring that up.
I can see helping a friend, but this is not something she couldn’t avoid. She’s basically making plans to mooch of you. That’s not right.
I don’t think you’re wrong, but she might not see it that way.
Not wrong. She’s “only” asking for $500 a week? That’s a huge ask. The fact she is downplaying how big a favor she’s asking indicates how appreciative she will be: not appreciative at all. If she has no money set aside then her only option is to keep working.
It’s up to her if she wants to quit or not, that’s not really for you to direct her on. A firm no on being her piggybank is enough.
I’m not gonna lie. This was a crazy read. I was pretty confident about where this was heading until I got to the end. You were not wrong. This is a ridiculous request. She’s essentially asking you to be her sugar daddy, without the sugar, for an indefinite amount of time. I’d cut her loose as a friend or put some space between you.
If she wants to quit her job, that is on her. However, don’t support her. If she asks again, simply advise you actually can’t afford to support someone else as your own bills is limiting you having something left over. You’re paycheck to paycheck if she asks again even if you’re not.
If you wish as a friend to look over her resume and sending it out to jobs on her behalf. Or cook her a meal once or twice a week. But that is the most you can offer re your help.
You’re not wrong for telling Alice to stay at her job for now. You’re being a supportive friend by giving her realistic advice and trying to help her find a better path without enabling her to make a risky financial decision. It’s understandable that she’s overwhelmed, but it’s also not your responsibility to support her financially. Encouraging her to stay while she actively looks for something better is a fair and balanced approach.
Not wrong. That is a huge ask and if she is truly having issues she could go to HR as you stated, or even contact a lawyer. She is playing the whoa is me. Tell her the banks give loans, not you.
The only capacity I see you being wrong about is the wrong title, you’ve buried the lede. This isn’t about telling her to stay at a job she hates, it’s about her putting you in an uncomfortable position, asking you for money. I empathize with her having this nightmare job, I really do, but that is way inappropriate of her to ask you to, like you said, be her unofficial unemployment benefits dispenser.
You are not wrong.
NTA. You’re not her mommy, she doesn’t get to hide behind your petticoats when the world is scary.
Ynw 500 a week the equivalent of paying someone 18$/hr for 40 hrs more or less, so your friend wants you to hire her to fill out job applications for herself.
Every school district hires paraprofessionals. Tell her to find another job and leave you alone.
AIW for not caving to my friend
No OP.
Friends and money rarely mix well, especially a month or two of money. We’re talking 4,000 dollars. That’s not chump change. Does she own her home? Why is her COL so high if it’s just her?
Think oil and water. I suspect your “friendship may lessen because of your reply to her. I don’t think the job is that horrible, I think her attitude is the problem here. She’s not giving you a direct reason, they’re “mean” doesn’t cut it. If she had a valid reason she would have grounds to go to HR. (HR has rules, if the employer is at fault it will come out. Any other complaints?)You’re dodging a bullet here.
A case where the grass is always greener. She needs to grow up. Stop blaming everyone for all her issues. You don’t quit a job until you have a new one. That’s just being an adult.
Tell your friend you are not her sugar daddy. She needs to keep her present job while looking for another job she finds suitable. YNW
Absolutely not wrong. And I’m hoping your friend just made that request out of panic and not thinking straight, and that she realizes that was incredibly unfair to ask of you.
Keep encouraging her to find other jobs and in telling HR (even if she doesn’t believe that they won’t do anything, its still good to get some kind of paper trail). She can take PTO to go to interviews. Continue to be the supportive friend that you already are being.
But yeah don’t finance her.
You’re not wrong. Your friend is dead wrong however, for even asking such a thing. *ONLY* 500 a week? Is she insane? And not even asking it as a loan. Just GIVE me 2K a month until I find something else [that I want to do] because honestly, she’d be cherry picking whatever was out there.
It’s a sad thing when you have a job you hate, most of us have been there one way or another – it’s another thing to ask someone else to subsidize your life while you try and find another job.
You’re not wrong at all — you gave her solid advice and tried to help without sugarcoating things. It sucks that she’s in a bad work situation, but quitting with no plan and expecting you to foot the bill isn’t fair. You weren’t being mean, you were being real. Sometimes people just want out so badly they stop thinking things through, but that doesn’t mean it’s your job to carry them. You did the right thing.
Plenty of folks have jobs they hate. I’ve been there. But I have bills and cats. It’s never occurred to me to ask a friend to pay me an entire wage so I could quit.
She’s delusional.
Just because she was totally out of line to ask for money doesn’t make you right. HR is a joke.
I’ve never seen HR actually help someone who is being harrassed. I have seen the harassment get worse after going to HR, though. From the mentality of “We were just having fun,” to “Oh, we’ll show them what real harassment is, now.”
This is her problem to sort out, but the advice I would give is to go ahead and call out when she lines up an interview elsewhere. She doesn’t owe it to them to be a model employee while she figures out how to jump ship.
She doesn’t need them as a reference. She’ll likely be better off staying away from construction admin. Those guys generally hate most admin, so even if they weren’t perverts it still wouldn’t be pleasant. Coming from a private school, this industry is likely just too far beyond her depth.
Not wrong at all, but if she isn’t usually unreasonable, she might be be feeling unsupported by you while she is being sexually harassed. NOT saying this makes sense, just saying people in distress are often unreasonable. If she’s normally cool give her a change to calm down and check in with her. If she has a history of being entitled, it’s time to cut ties, it’s a nuts ask.
Are you two involved? That’s something you’d ask a partner – $500/wk til she gets a new job? You might could ask a friend for thst much as a one-time hit, or borrow it but she’s looking for a gift. Nowhere in thst post was it mentioned that she’d pay the OP back.
Hard no for me.
Interesting that she doesn’t like that the managers are hitting on her, then she turns around and hits you up for money.
YNW
Tell your little friend that there are jobs out there that will fill in until she finds the one she wants, but nobody rides for free, so no, you won’t be her parent and support her.