This is pretty much as it says in the title. Found out this week that my wife is pregnant with our first child via a positive pregnancy test. I wad kind of expecting to have that giddy overwhelming happiness feeling, but I was just quite pleased for a couple of hours. Once I’d slept, I felt pretty much normal. And that’s the same throughout the days that have followed
Fathers out there, did you experience similar, or am I being weird?
For full information, I do suffer from depression, but this is managed by anti-depressants and occasional visits to a psychologist.
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The first time we got pregnant I totally freaked đ. So youâre doing better than me
There are moments through the pregnancy, birth and raising a child that youâll feel âoh shit itâs real, Iâm a dadâ itâs completely normal. Give yourself time to have your moment. Itâll hit you đ
I know a few people (some of them even the pregnant ones) who just haven’t really felt like it was “real” until further along in the pregnancy. Or even the birth, in some cases. I think it’s a hard thing to wrap your head around in the abstract.
I felt a moment of existential dread mixed with excitement on our first, shit even on our third I wasn’t “thrilled” about it. Realistically, a kid is a great thing (I certainly love the hell out of mine) but it also comes with significant responsibility. As men, we are typically guided less by emotions and more by cognitive thoughts (read: logic as defined by our own mind) so you might be feeling a bit of both sides of that.
It also might not feel real yet, but it will – just takes longer for us to get there than some women. Rest assured, you’re not alone, you’re not an asshole for not feeling that excitement, you’re just wrestling with all of it – both sides.
Iâve always found that these things hit later for me than my wife. Itâs much more visceral when your body is changing and all that. Youâre still in the âdonât tell peopleâ stage anyway, not to be morbid but these ones donât always work out. Not the worst idea to be a little distant emotionally until mid pregnancy at least.Â
That’s normal, I think?
It’ll come, but I didn’t really feel much until I heard my baby cry in the OR.
Well the anti-depressants are likely playing a part. But personally I found that the excitement builds. I’m not one for huge reactions, but as things have progressed, I enjoy it more and more.
Sometimes we need to do a little acting to communicate our emotions. It’s ok to turn it up a bit so that she feels supported along the way.
Itâs just a concept at the moment. Itâs not a real visible person. Might not fully kick in until you are holding the little chunk. Even then it can sometimes take a bit to bond as a dad. Perfectly normal. Then you slowly realise you care for somebody far more than you do for yourself.
Or maybe youâre just dead insideâŚ.
Everyone’s different. The pregnancy didn’t change me or affect me at all, but holding my son did. Some men its the other way. It’s all good.
Just go with the flow, relax (the best you can) and be there for your little man.
Being the dad of my 8 year old is my whole life now, very passionate about it, and I donât remember having any particularly strong feelings about the pregnancy test. We were trying to have a baby and the plan was proceeding as planned, no surprises there. So I was relieved there were no fertility issues but hadnât been particularly concerned about that.
Iâd say further, pregnancy and newborn are not very fun, donât worry if you donât enjoy it. I didnât start to really connect until my baby was old enough to start mirroring faces and play little games like that.
My fiancĂŠ had a similar reaction. I donât think it felt quite real for him until he could see my visible baby bump and could feel our baby kicking when he put his hand on my belly. He said he felt instant love though as soon as he saw our baby come out.
I have always told friends having kids is the most wonderful, hardest thing you will ever do. You will have moments of giddy overwhelming happiness but like any extreme emotion no one can maintain that. And right know you know a kid is coming, he/she isn’t here yet. And when they are, you may look adoringly at your child and you also spend a ton of time feeding, changing diapers, trying to find out why the baby is crying, trying not to wake the baby up, etc. It is hard so don’t be surprised at the moments where you wonder what the hell did you get yourself into. All feelings are normal (unless your wife has post-partum depression so know what to watch for but that is not common). For me when the real magic started was when they (we had twins first) were about 2 months old and start to recognize you and smile. And from there it gets better and better and you see the person they are and their personality reveal as they become a toddler and then start school, etc. So don’t worry. You will have the moments of overwhelming happiness, and just moments of being overwhelmed by fatigue. But it will all be worth it and you will come to know a kind of love you will have never experienced before.
the experience of having kids is one of rising overwhelm.
whether that overwhelm happens the day you find out or the day you find yourself cleaning a diaper blowout that somehow got all the way up to your cars headrests is up to you.
welcome to the big dance.
At first I was scared. Then, it was pretty much nothing. My child’s mom had a rough pregnancy, so there was worry there. She was touch and go the entire time and there were lots of doctors visits. I didn’t feel much about the baby until she was born. I got excited here and there, but nothing extreme.Â
Holding her for the first time flooded me with emotions. I still get that way once in a while when I pick her up. She’s 5 now, so I know there’s one final pick up on the horizon that gets closer daily and I’m terrified of it.Â
Yup, pretty sure its a combination of all emotions wrapped in once and you dont know how to react. Its like you’re excited but youre scared shitless and theres this sense of like, is this real? Being a parent, hardest job in the world but definitely rewarding if done right.
Pregnancy is theoretical for men, until it’s undeniably actual. Don’t worry, when the actual hits, you will know.
As I recall, both times we were trying to get pregnant, so when it happened it seemed like the normal thing. At birth, however, I was pretty excited and have loved them unconditionally ever since.
Welcome to humanity
I didn’t feel much emotion till I saw my daughter for the first time. Then it hit me all at once.
Just appreciate and process the way you do naturally. I’m not sure I ever had a made for tv moment but I love my son so much and more every day
I had mixed emotions like many do during the pregnancy and when I found out. Early on I found it hard to be super excited. It is not really real in that moment as everything just goes on the same except for the occasional doctor’s appointment. It is really towards the end of the pregnancy that things really start to change. For me the super excitement and giddy time was the day after the birth. It is such an intense experience and there was a lot of worry. As a guy you kind of just there as best you can. There was worry about what my wife was going through and that I couldn’t do anything to alleviate her pain. Then there is great relief when it is over. Seeing him for the first time. Seeing that my wife was okay and was going to be okay. There was a great weight that is lifted off you once you see them through that. You start to realize that this is all very real and now you are a dad. I remember coming home the following morning to deal with some stuff, grab a shower and a change of clothes. That is when it really hit me that I was in a very new world, and it is probably the most excited/happy/giddy I have ever been in my life as an adult. I just couldn’t wait to get back there to be with them. So don’t worry that you don’t feel the way you think you should feel right now. My guess is that it will come for you too once you get further along.
There’s a lot of hype and social pressure to feel a certain way. Different people react differently and it’s absolutely fine.
That’s about right, it really didn’t sink in for me until the first ultrasound. Hearing it’s heart beat for the first time, that made things real. And then the following months, watching my wife grow, finding out if it was a boy or girl, feeling it kick and move, getting all the things for the baby ready… All of that built up excitement and nerves, but holding my son for the first time after he was born though, THAT was the moment of overwhelming happiness, joy, pride, excitement, nerves, every single emotion just floods you.Â
I think that’s pretty normal. I was fuckin pumped but it took a couple days to process. The first few days was just “oh shit what are we supposed to do to get ready?”. You’ll have plenty of opportunities for overwhelming happiness (and fear) throughout the whole process.
Dont worry, I was still totally chill and didnt think much about it until the birth. Then everything changed for me and I totally felt involved much more. just stay curious and ask questions to your partner during the pregnqncy, because she might feel like you are not interested, if you dont talk about it from time to time (like be interested after some doctor appointments, ask how its going, how she is feeling etc.)
I say this cause a relative of me is pregnant and her partner didnt ask anything and seemed completly uninvolved until very recently. This can mean a big thing to the partner..
Anyways, it will be very special as soon as the child arrives.. I have my second child and its just 2 weeks old đ
Itâs the anti depressants 100%. Wouldnât worry about it. Just start taking steps necessary to help your wife as best you can and welcome the new baby in to the best possible situation you can. Congrats and have fun!
Yep. I was happy in the moment, but I wasn’t that idealized “over the moon” happy we see in the movies.
I think part of it was that my wife and I didn’t really have to try very hard. For both my kids, we made the decision to try, she pulled the goalie, and then we got pregnant like a month after. I think people that have more of a struggle or have built it up more have a stronger reaction.
Don’t feel bad that you weren’t super giddy and overwhelmed with emotion. That’s normal. It’ll come in waves as you go through the process, and continue after your child is born. Heck, my kids are 11 and 14, and the waves still hit me. Most days I look at them and feel overwhelmed by how lucky I am to have them, but there’s still the rare occasion where I wanna put them in a shipping container and send them to another country! đ
The feelings donât hit at the same time or the same way for everyone. As long as you are there and supportive for your wife during this time, thatâs all that matters.
Be sure to continue to take care of your mental health as well – it will help you be present for your family.
Congratulations to you and your wife!
I didn’t have any kind of giddy overwhelming feeling of happiness when we found out my wife was pregnant. Pretty much exactly like you say, I was very pleased but otherwise felt pretty normal.
I don’t tend to react to things in that way in general and as it turns out, neither does my oldest son. Like me, he’s pretty cool calm and collected. My younger son is definitely more excitable in that way and will express his anticipation pretty vociferously.
So no, I don’t think you’re being weird. And if you’re anything like me, you will experience many moments of extreme joy with your kids. Having kids can be monotonous or just really hard sometimes, but there are these moments of joy that are unlike anything I’ve ever experienced and I can say with some certainty that nothing but my kids will ever make me feel like that. It is totally unique. You’ll know what I mean when you get there.
I should also add that I don’t suffer from depression at all, I’m not on any medication and I’m generally quite happy. It’s just not in my nature to be giddy in anticipation for pretty much anything.
Watching my kid open his eyes for the first time and look right at me is a surreal feeling that nothing comes close to
Yeah, that’s a normal reaction.
Heck, our kid was born very early and the “Welcome to the NICU” packet they gave us explicitly told us we may not feel any attachment – let alone love – right away. I was super thankful for that because they didn’t look human and I definitely didn’t feel any attachment for a while and love for a while after that.
Do you commit to care for the kiddo and put in reasonable effort to raise them to be an independent and capable adult? Congrats! That’s enough. No really, that’s enough.
Not everyone feels immediate life altering love right away.
I had no reaction, almost like it was too big to fully understand it then went out with my mates haha. Didnât say much then it hit me the next day and was shitting myself for a day or two then was ok. Think the fact itâs not an immediate life changing event as such, still like 9 months away so feels ages away and no clue what you need to get done in that time plays apart. We found out in the Feb, son born in the OctoberâŚâŚ. Ages awayđ haha!
Anti depressants will take away the low lows, and even the high highs.
First of all – congrats! Second, I had the same type of reaction! Fiancee showed me positive pregnancy test and I just kind of smiled and said “wow”. No overjoyment or anything like that. Granted, she has two kids from her previous marriage who are both very young and so I’ve gotten a sort of trial run/warm up with them. I’ve changed her youngest’s diaper many many times and have taken care of them on my own while my fiancee was gone. So I think for me, it felt more like my third vs my first, even though it’s my first by blood. She’s 20 weeks along and I still haven’t had any “holy shit I’m going to be a dad” moments but I think that will change when the baby is born. I reckon it will be the same for you!
It’s just in the adverts
We didnât have a heart beat at 5 weeks so I had to hold it together until week 8. When we saw my sonâs heart beat i basically cried 3 weeks worth of tears because I had to hold it together for my wife.
I didnât get excited for either pregnancy until the 20 weeks because that was when the miscarriage risk was significantly reduced.
It wonât hit you till your holding that kid in your arms
I am a father of three. That is normal.
Right now you are kind of expecting to have emotions for someone you don’t know. Feelings increase with time and as the relationship develops. There will be lots of time.
Mommys have the advantage of pregnancy hormones. Sympathize and give your support.
Anti-depressants change things. Some people feel that life is better because of them, but many don’t. I’m not surprised that they affect your feelings on this.
It will all come in time. I remember when my wife told me she was pregnant. I felt I should have been more excited. When my daughter was born, I felt l should be more excited (although I was definitely terrified).
I also remember feeling guilty about not feeling the same as my wife. I could tell from the second my daughter was born my wife loved this kid more than anything and I simply didnât feel that way. Fast forward 6 months and she was my whole world. Wise to remember that your wife already has a 9 month relationship with the child. Donât feel bad about all of it taking a while.
I assume she was trying to get pregnant. So something happened that was totally expected to happen. It makes sense you don’t go crazy about it. The big decision to have a kid was made a while ago.
Iâve been through enough in my life where I learned not to get excited till everyone is safe and healthy so I didnât really get excited about being a Dad for about 8months after my daughterâs birth and now I can conclude itâs an insane amount of love and truly nothing comes close. Youâll get there, it just takes time.
I didn’t get a giddy feeling. We had been trying for a very long time and had to go IVF. So I went through shock, objectively pleased but not really feeling it, anxiety, guilt at not being super excited, then I was relatively neutral until I went into plan and prep mode then I was anxious again.
It wasn’t till I held the gross little alien looking thing that I was completely overwhelmed with love, belonging and hope. I cried for so long the nurses got me a glucose drink as they were worried I’d cried myself into dehydration. My shirt was soaked down to my belt line lol.
So don’t assume that you have to feel anything any type of way. Let it be how it is. You’ll get to where you’re going.
I had infertility surgery at 36 and became a dad at 37 and then at 39, almost 40. It took me about a week to adjust to the fact that my life is going to change and that I would not be able to do some of the things that I was doing. That was 30 years ago.
I am so grateful for the fact that the surgery worked! Twice!
The birth of my first child was one of the most spiritual experiences I have had.
Congratulations to you both!