I have not been the best version of myself for a long time.
Recently I lost my best friend, met at work, but quickly turned into the best platonic friendship I’ve ever had.
I lost her, as I kept pushing her away due to my depression and struggles. I was never mean but have a habit of pushing people away and asking them to leave me, when all I really want is connection. It’s broken something in me, losing my friend.
I realise now that, the reason it hurt so bad (still does, at my lowest I’ve been mentally) is because I’m not happy with my own self/life. Though that’s not all it was, it would distract from how unhappy I really am.
I can’t remember the last time I’ve gone a day without crying, without having bad thoughts. They’d urged time and time again for me to speak to someone, and I refused. I’m at a breaking point now.
Feels like functional depression; good job, fit, physically healthy, don’t really drink.
Just curious what you got out of therapy, I went a few weeks ago and it felt like tossing my money into the bin. I don’t really have any friends, a lovely brother who always encourages me to speak to him as he knows me and can tell without me saying anything. Even that, I’m not sure how to rip the Band-Aid and ask for some help.
TLDR: I’m struggling and curious about how your experience with therapy has been, have you struggled mentally, has it gotten better, time frame. Even if you haven’t been, what has helped you be okay mentally?
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Therapy just fills a void that could be better filled. Unless you have a specific problem with a specific fix (eg a phobia, lots of evidenced based therapies to fix that specific phobia) it’s just bullshit. Doesn’t answer philosophical or existential questions, won’t give your life meaning. And anyone in therapy for multiple years is fucked psychologically.
So I have a mixed opinion. It’s got a good evidence base for short term, specific psychological problems. But a lot of “depresssion” is more an ennui type dysthymia kinda deal, for which there is no cure beyond a satisfying life
Therapy as a solution to every and any problem, no matter how big or small, is a firmly American obsession.
Extremely positive.
I’ve had therapy during three different periods of my life, when things were bad, and it was extremely helpful each time, BUT you need to find the right therapist for you. When I started going I had one who was ok, but didn’t really feel helped much, one who was actively bad and made me worse, and then two who were amazing and made a huge difference in my life, and I’m so grateful to them both.
If you’re not feeling it with the therapist you’ve been seeing, switch! There’s no issue to go to a different one. Keep trying until you find someone who you connect with and who seems to be good for you.
Also consider if it might be worth talking to your doctor about antidepressants. Everything you describe sounds like depression. Antidepressants work, they can change your life. You’ll go from crying every day to feeling happy and ok. And sure, sometimes a bit sad or dissatisfied, but it won’t be overwhelming like it is now and you’ll be able to work on making changes in your life to get better. I highly recommend this. Depression is an illness, and can be treated.
A lot better, 10-11 years so far. I started to accept myself. And I divorced a toxic person, who didn’t love me, the best decision in my life.
Therapy is great — done properly.
But ‘Instatherapy’ is one of the worst things on planet earth.
Instatherapy looks like:
Actual therapy is meant to be uncomfortable.
I say this, because there is a horrible trend toward Instatherapy on social media.
And this is the precise, polar opposite of actual therapy.
Therapy is really good for me. I’m a true believer that you get out what you put into it.
My personal experience with therapy has been positive. I’ve mostly used it as a way to deal with some grief, i.e., getting some stuff off my chest when I have no one else to talk to, but am now trying to use it to challenge some core beliefs I have and become a better person. As an in-between I use chatgpt as kind of a live journal. It can offer therapy type advice but I find it’s too much of a people please, but it can certainly help reflect your thoughts back at you in a way that I personally find productive. I would encourage you to try that at least.
I’m a believer. I’ve turned to this twice in my life. Different approaches, both worked:
Around the time I was 50, I realized that I had achieved my dreams. I had everything I had ever wanted, but I was still miserable and volatile. I had tried various anti-depressants over the years but none of them did anything, and I usually felt worse. I realized I was never going to be happy if I didn’t try therapy. So I went to a psychiatric clinic to see what they could do. They gave me more meds, which also didn’t work, but I have several sessions with a therapist. They diagnosed me with something called persistent depressive disorder (PDD) which I had been carrying around for 30+ years. The therapy was mostly me talking through my experiences and the psychiatrist pointing out things that were causing my issues. The therapy made me realize that some really awful things that happened in my adolescence was an anger that I had carried with me all those years. It wasn’t a cure, but it helped a lot and it cleared my mind to be able to get my emotions back in check. I’ve never had anger issues since then.
A few years later I realized that my wife was miserable married to me and I was the same way about her. I filed for divorce, but agreed to withdraw the divorce if she would go to counseling / therapy with me. She refused, so we got divorced. As part of the divorce, we hired a family psychologist to give us recommendations about the best plan for the children during and after the divorce. A byproduct of this was realizing the toxicity of our marriage and how it was affecting the children. We took their recommendations and worked things out a plan for the kids that we agreed to. Concurrent with this, I engaged a non-psychiatrist therapist to help address the depression and the best ways to deal with all the changes in my life. This therapist was more like a life coach. She gave me steps to focus on in order to be more positive and productive in my life at home and in being newly single. I met with her online around once a month for a year. That really helped and I’ve been much happier and more fulfilled in my life.
So two ways to approach things. Both worked. Let me know if you have any questions about any of this. Good luck!
Life saving
waste of fucking time therapy was. chatgpt 4o has actually been more useful and it doesn’t have hangups like real people. and you can be totally honest with it.
It was nice having some to talk to besides my wife and kids, but otherwise a waste of time and money.
Therapy changed my life over the last 2.5 years. Literally just last night had a session where we decided to pare back from once every two weeks to once a month because of how far I’ve come and what my needs are now.
Long story short, I got into therapy because I used to be a very heavy drinker, but a functional alcoholic. I work in data science and would build machine learning algorithms while sitting at a bar and sipping Manhattans on a Wednesday afternoon. Hangovers practically non-existent. Rarely exercised. Fast food multiple times per week. But a good job and a good marriage. If I wanted to keep those for the long-term, I knew I was going to have to make some lifestyle changes.
I found my therapist in Jan 2022 to start working on those things. It was a long road of trial and error. Lots of conversations trying to not just see what works and doesn’t, but understanding why certain things work and don’t work for me. Understanding my core motivations. It wasn’t any childhood trauma or anything like that that drove me to drink.
The road to recovery was not a straight line, and pure sobriety was never the goal for me, but I successfully completed my first dry January this year. I haven’t had fast food in months. I now work out 6 times a week with CrossFit. And I’m now two weeks into my first 75 Hard challenge as a culmination of it all.
What’s more, during those two years, my wife and I went through a bit of an evolutionary period in our marriage. Won’t get into details, suffice it to say that there were some changes we made that were incredibly difficult to navigate and put a lot of strain on things at times. But we’ve come out the other end stronger for it. And the trust we’ve built with each other is now stronger than ever. And the love we have for one another is even greater than either of us ever imagined possible. Therapy helped immensely to navigate some of the most turbulent times when it felt like things could fall apart if we didn’t tread carefully.
I highly recommend going to therapy, even if things are good. With my therapist, I now only see her once a month as more of a check-in. It’s good to have conversations to help assess where things are at, and have someone who can help you identify potential pitfalls to avoid going forward.
That being said, finding the right therapist can be hard. It’s important to find someone who “gets” you. So don’t be surprised if you have to try and fail a few times.
And in the meantime, this may sound a bit crazy, try talking with ChatGPT a bit. One of the exercises I started doing with my therapist was to do that between sessions whenever something came up. Then I’d share the conversation(s) with her so that we could dive into them together. It’s a good tool for finding more immediate calm and perspective, while also providing a live record of how you were feeling in the moment and how you responded to feedback. Which can be an incredibly helpful and insightful resource for building sustainable, long term solutions with your therapist.
Hope that all helps!
I’ve had much better luck with medication, diet, and exercise than with therapy. Therapy feels like a bandaid on a bullet wound to me; I can be talked through the pain all day long but it’s not gonna stop it.
However, it’s important to note that the effectiveness of therapy varies WILDLY with the quality of the therapist. Too many of them just keep you going in circles forever to line their pockets. Therapy shouldn’t be a forever thing.
My experience was extremely positive, it literally saved my marriage and helped me become a better man in general. There’s a few others here mentioning how you get what you put in, and that’s entirely correct. Another factor is that the more you share, the better your therapist will understand exactly what’s happening with you.
It sounds like you’ve gone through something very difficult. Opening up like this here is huge and you should first appreciate that in yourself.
For me, therapy is and has been one piece of the puzzle, but an immeasurable one. Similar to most things, you get out of it what you put into it. Another thing is the therapist themself. I had to try a couple therapists to find the one that resonated with me. In my particular case, I wanted to find a therapist as different as possible from myself. I don’t know if that’s the best approach as most people, I think, do the opposite. As for what I have gotten, and am still working towards…
More self-awareness: I’ve gotten better at noticing patterns and thoughts, even when they are difficult.
Self-compassion: I still have loads of work to do on this one, but I have started learning that I too need some gentleness and validation in my life.
New objectives: for me at this moment, I’m seeking peace, not numbing or avoidance. Again, this is a work in progress, but I have seen progress nonetheless.
Getting unstuck: I have also started taking antidepressants (currently on pristiq). I consider myself to be self-aware and pretty introspective and assumed I knew what needed to be done to get through things. Even self-awareness can have its limitations on a chemical level. For me, a combination of medication, exercise, healthier living, and therapy have contributed to getting unstuck.
I still feel stuck sometimes, and it’s definitely not a panacea, but I cannot recommend therapy highly enough. If you’re able to find the right therapist and do the work with diligence, I believe you may be able to step back into your life.
Actually I quite good.
Never been depressed or had any other mental issues. But at the top (to be honest at the start of the downward curve) of my previous career I had multiple burnouts, so basically I already knew something was really, really off. But the stubborn fighter in me, I would not give in & could not let go (of my ego) and eventually this would cost me more then I ever could have imagined.
Therapy – for me – when done well (by the right person) can give you the right “nugde” & in combination with a self drive for change + willingness of “letting go” can achieve fine results.
Therapy is not some magical pill you can take with automatic results. No, it also takes a lot of personal efforts to open up those doors that are currently closed.
OP, stay in therapy & keep working on yourself, try to at least to shift your brother into a normal friendship/brother relationship.
Good luck.
Great. I have a lot of anxiety and PTSD issues. It’s helped me work through those. I still have them, but I don’t disassociate all time reliving past traumas.
I’ve been in therapy for something like 15 years and it has helped immensely. I have a really good therapist now, but I’ve had others that were not as good a fit. The thing to remember about therapy is that you are the boss, and if you don’t feel you’re getting what you need out of the therapy relationship, you are allowed to walk away and find a new therapist. The therapist you saw won’t mind at all – they understand that therapy is highly personal and the fit has to be right for it to work.
I suggest keep trying, but maybe with a different therapist next time. And if your therapist suggests medication, don’t be scared. I was scared of medication at first too and resisted it for a long time but medication and therapy have helped me a lot.
Don’t get me wrong. I am still kind of a sad person. But I am able to find joy in life again and my approach to life is healthier than it was 10 years ago. So it’s definitely been worth it.
I once heard someone describe psychology counseling as similar to physical therapy – you do these small exercises that feel silly at times and you wonder if they’re doing anything, and then one day you just feel stronger. So I think part of therapy is showing up and doing the work, even if it feels like it’s not doing anything, or even if you don’t feel like doing it.
Good luck!
Eh never really that helpful if I’m being honest. For me it never really fixes the problem more so just makes me learn how to accept it. I’m tired of accepting things and learning to do with out as I watch others get it.
I personally tried three, gonna be honest the older men don’t seem to care, and the women … sometimes looks disgusted when they see me. Tbh I wasted quite a bit of money, frankly for me I’m not interested in trying therapy ever again. Felt… a bit degrading. The best help you can get, is the self-help you provide for yourself.
Therapy can be really good. But it’s one tool for addressing stuff. Some problems need additional tools, such as medication or changes to lifestyle. For me, it helped a lot with anxiety issues and some gnarly long term depression. I’ve done some CBT and some psychoanalysis based therapy with different therapists and for different reasons. Therapy in itself isn’t a “cure” as such, but can help you to address your issues, recognise the root causes and find how to deal with stuff better. Actual lifesaver for me.
It’s been very helpful, but it took work to find a good fit. I didn’t benefit at all from the “try thinking about things differently and do these healthy habits to feel better” kind of therapy but rather the “let’s explore your lifelong patterns of relating to yourself and others” kind, and the latter was harder to find.
We all need an unbiased 3rd party to talk to. Bonus points is that therapists can help you build tools to cope with things. Unfortunately it’s expensive as fuck all but it’s worth it.
4 years, started weekly, now every 2 weeks the past 2ish years.
Working well, as we found a bunch more stuff just sitting there and Im overall so much happier.
Before this, I was the family “therapist”, now Im no longer allowing them to do that and yesterday, I basically blew up in my mons face and soon, dads as well.
So, either they get therapy or I start talking with them less than I already do
Meh at best, honestly I gotten more from being alone with my thoughts after therapy got me thinking more about myself than the actual therapy.
First session I had what I think was a panic attack during the session and they just…ignored it? Waited it out then just went right back to the conversation we were having, didn’t acknowledge it at all.
Went in for self-esteem and social anxiety issues and literally their only advice, repeated over 4 sessions was “talk to people”. If I gave any excuses, for example “there’s nothing remotely near me” and “I can’t really afford constant trips to places that have stuff” I was just “making a lot of excuses”.
Only real benefit was I was told to ask my doctor about anxiety meds which did improve some minor things.
After 4 sessions I called it quits and can’t really find any other therapists. All the others near me are family, child or lgbtq focused. And even if I could find one I live in America so I can’t afford it even with insurance.
Therapy has been neutral for me. She has suggested that I see somebody about ADHD, and I have been resistant. She has been a signing board to help me see some of my patterns, and that is useful. I need to check in because I’ve spiraled out.
I haven’t seen any sort of radical deep change. It hasn’t made my life full of ease. It hasn’t brought about any particular understanding that I wouldn’t have come to on my own. I was hoping for some sort of revelation, which has not arrived.
Do it. Your future self will thank you for it.
I’m 62. I started my journey of healing from childhood trauma at 26 with a 12 step program called adult children of alcoholics. I’ve done everything that I could since then to continue to improve my mental health.
Counselling
Therapy
12 step programs
Men’s groups
Rites of passage
Visionfasts
Hypnotherapy
The full catastrophe.
I went to a friend’s 70th birthday party a few weeks ago, and I looked at a bunch of people who I have known for over 30 years. They all were SO FUCKING OLD.
But the truth is that, they haven’t done any of the work to improve their mental health, so the stresses of life have really really weighed them down.
I on the other hand am doing better than ever. Having more fun than ever, doing things that even 5 years ago would have been inconceivable and now I am just doing them.
Life is so much better without the baggage.
It’s terrible. I now think therapy is vastly overrated and overvalued.
Mostly worthless. I guess it can be useful for extremely self unaware people who need to be emotional coddled and encouraged to do things that would improve their lives but they aren’t otherwise doing.
For me it’s not yielded any positive results.