My wife has a great body and face . She is 47 . The last few years though she has full on committed to this oversized clothing trend (think oversized Uniqlo).
She simply does not have any different looks other than this . She is 115lbs but dresses like a 160lb ugly woman that’s trying to hide her fat.
Anything that shows off her body or femininity, she refuses to wear. She stopped putting on any makeup as well. It’s an oversized sloppy mess. It’s super unattractive.
She tells me she looks and feels old….but the real reason is how she dresses and her lack of effort and awareness. People don’t give her a second look. It’s lowering her confidence , which makes her dress even worse.
She used to have an eye for good fashion and put together different looks for all situations. Now it’s exclusively a comfort driven, low effort, oversized mess.
We’ve been married for 20 years. How do I tactfully talk to her about it?
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My wife and I could say what you typed above to each other and not be offended. YMMV but I’d just tell her.
For a start the real reason isn’t how she’s dressing it is how she feels, the dressing is a symptom not the cause, so drop that for a start. Start by asking her why she feels she’s old, has something changed or happened that’s causing this. Then try talking to her about how you see her. The positives you’ve put here. Just don’t make it about the clothes because that’s not the actual issue.
I find it strange and a bit overstepping how much you seem to care about her appearance rather than her wellbeing.
Having said that, you can just go and buy an outfit for her that you like and ask her to try it on. If she dies and she likes it, good for both of you. If she doesn’t, let it go.
You might also try to explore why she only feels comfortable and/or safe when she wears clothes that hide her body. The reasons can range from aesthetics to being a victim of sexual assault. If it’s the latter, definitely don’t push the topic.
I mean…she’s 47. Did she dress like this in high school?
I’m mid 40’s and I’m so glad the skinny jeans awfulness is over.
Maybe she just likes the way she looks.
Can’t change that overnight I guess.
I would start by taking her out to nice dress up places to restaurants/events etc. where she has to actually make an effort to be her feminine self. Make use of these occasions to compliment her and once she gets used to this, perhaps she will realize the ‘oversized’ fashion isn’t meant for her.
She sounds depressed. Have you addressed that issue with her?
Tell her you ain’t wanna hit that no more cause the fashion sense is straight up killin your vibe
Edit: it’s satire people
I’m curious to know how snazzy your fashion is, as the husband. Are you dressing up spiffy?
Tread carefully if you want to confront her about this. My own story first:
After my then-wife immigrated to my country and moved in with me, I almost never saw her in anything other than black stretch pants. This goes on to this day, 27 years later. My kids joke about whether it’s just one pair of pants or if she has dozens of pairs. No one knows. The only time she didn’t wear the stretch pants was if I bought her something else, or if we went out to dinner or had a family event. So, basically, 300 days a year for 27 years = 8,100 days wearing the exact same unflattering pair of pants. She also stopped wearing makeup or getting her hair done. Nothing.
At this point, I will stop and say that my wife was a beautiful runway model in Europe before we got married. Post marriage, 8,100 days in black stretch pants, no makeup, no hair styling.
Here’s what I tried to do – bought her clothes, bought her spa gift certificates, bought her salon gift certificates, had the kids buy her clothes. I tactfully tried to talk about it with her. I asked her dozens of times if she was happy, or if I could do something for her. I offered to get her a housekeeper. I took her out to dinners, sent flowers, etc. I asked her to surprise me with a new outfit sometime or have a dress-up day for both of us around the house. I could go on and on. Her answers – no, no, no, no, no, no….
My asking her about it just seemed to upset her more. She said she was insulted that I didn’t see her as beautiful no matter how she was dressed. I got the message and didn’t question her about this more than a time or two. She said that she was dressing appropriately for a mother and that was that.
We’re not married any more as we had much bigger issues than her clothing. She wouldn’t consider therapy or counseling, although I really think it would have helped. I am at peace that I tried everything I possibly could. We live near one another and co-parent our underage children.
You don’t.
I’m not doubting what you are stating but my wife is hot and she only wears clothes from k-mart. She gets noticed way too much for my liking.
In my late 40s I started dressing for comfort too. It was one of my better decisions. I don’t really see the issue unless it’s a symptom of something undesired.
Do not approach this from the fashion perspective. That’s a symptom, not the cause. The cause is something else; probably depression or hormonal changes, possibly tied to menopause. Talk to her about what actually bothers her, and carefully help her rediscover your attraction to her.
Not sure if you are from the same generation but baggy style was very popular back in the day. It has made a comeback. Still remember wearing JNCO jeans.
Since when is 160lb over weight ?
I think you should be more concerned that she is clearly not feeling well in herself (menopause?). Instead you make it sound like an ego issue for you, being frustrated you can’t show off your hot wife. If she feels well she will dress well, especially if she used to do so before.
> this oversized clothing trend (think oversized Uniqlo).
That look is in right now. You may not like it, but it’s fashionable and maybe that’s what she wants. Oversized loose fits are back.
I am a bit skeptical about you drawing a direct line between her feeling old and therefore dressing like this.
Has she told you, in words, directly that the reason she’s dressing in this style is because she’s feeling old and down about herself? I am concerned you’re making a lot of assumptions here because you don’t like her current style.
> It’s super unattractive.
To you. Maybe she likes it?
She might feel like she’s getting old. Lord knows we all feel like that in our late 40s, because we are…
But that might just be a feeling she’s having, and might not be anything to do with how she’s dressing.
It’s entirely possible to me that she’s dressing well, but you just don’t like the current style.
As a woman – I know I’m in a men’s space, but this is a question about woman’s fashion – maybe she just wants to dress for comfort now? She’s the exact age where she was in the 90s and expected to be super skinny and super sexy all the time, high heels and power woman and all that stuff. Maybe she just… wants to dress comfy now?
As for the comment that she feels old and stuff. She’s at the age where menopause can really wreak havoc on your body. Not only that, but based on my relatives who are that age, your skin and face and body can undergo rapid changes – one day you look like you’ve used to, the second day your face has dropped and you look like your grandma as you remembered them as a kid. That’s a bit tongue in cheek, but hormonal changes can make you look and feel different every day for quite a while as your body undergoes “the change”. So she may actually truly look in the mirror and not FEEL or LOOK like herself to herself. Hence the wish or desire to hide behind clothing – when women don’t feel good in their bodies, they sometimes want to hide them.
She’s probably put on some weight – maybe small enough that a man doesn’t notice, but she FEELS different in her own clothing. My mom is undergoing menopause or pre-menopause right now and she gets hot flashes and all that stuff. She doesn’t want to always dress up because her nicer clothes are fit to her body, but she gets weird sensations from the cloth touching her skin or she gets hot flashes and sweats through them. So she wears a lot of comfort stuff that she can put on or take off and it feels loose and comfy.
Also… maybe just talk to her? Ask her nicely why she feels old or what makes her feel old. Maybe she dreads turning 50. Maybe she feels she’s not sexy any more and the younger crowd is intimating and she’s afraid to lose her husband to someone. Maybe she looks in the mirror and sees an old woman with a hot husband and wonders why he’s with her. Maybe she’s realised that she’s getting older each year and has become fearful of getting old, mortality, all that stuff.
Ask her nicely though – if she’s self conscious or undergoing menopause she’s already in hormonal hell and bound to maybe take offense more.
And please don’t tell her she looks ugly even though maybe the clothes don’t flatter her at all. She probably already FEELS ugly, that’s why she’s dressing not in her style. Saying she LOOKS ugly because the clothes don’t suit her will just make it worse, even if you do not actually mean it like that.
How do you dress? Sounds to me like she’s dressing like guys do. Same amount of effort.
Sometimes we get in a rut and need a jolt to get us out. Perhaps a spa and pro make-up day would help her feel pretty. Especially when she can actually see it for herself. I see things like that happen on those makeover shows
My first thought was… were others giving the wrong kind of attention? As in, it only takes 1 creep….
But to answer your question, however you decide to talk to her, make sure she knows you find her attractive no matter how she dresses and make it about her and her self-esteem.. “My Wife’s Bad Fashion Is Killing Me” may become just “My Wife Is Killing Me.”
Wife is the same age and it’s leggings and hoodies 95% of the time now. Ultimately if that’s how they want to dress that’s their choice.
What you call oversized Uniqlo style is super in right now. The kids in the high school I pass every morning all wear that style. She is fashionable.
Another thing is if she feels well. If she feels old and tired, is there something you’d can do to ease her burdens? To make life easier for her? To make her feel appreciated and wanted?
You can’t be in your 20’s forever. Eventually, people just want to be comfortable and exist purely by their inclinations and not societal pressures. If she’s struggling mentally/emotionally, that should be of concern, not some material choice.
“My wife has a great body and face”. Why waste time thinking about her fashion choice when you can romance her out of those clothes and make love to your beautiful wife?
Hey OP can I suggest you post this on r/ausfemalefashion ?
The women there will be able to offer great personal advice too
I met a young woman when we were both 23. She was shy and wore oversized clothes. I was attracted to her sense of humour. We dated and it soon became apparent that her ex was a narcissist who constantly put her down. He would urinate on her, in her mouth whilst screaming abuse at her and holding her tightly by her hair. The first time we eventually slept together and I saw her nude was breathtaking. She was curvaceous, leggy with bigger than average boobs. No matter what I said or did to build her confidence about her body she wouldn’t believe me. One day we were going out and she ripped the waistband on her baggy oversized jeans and was upset as they were the only pair she had. I had a pair of ‘stretch jeans’ that I said she could try on. Now as we know men don’t tend to have curvy hips or a handful of ass and the jeans are her ass they were that tight. The looks we got whilst we were out showed her that she didn’t have to dress down and that she had a nice figure and was not the ugly dowdy person her ex portrayed her to be! Something has happened that has made your wife dress like she has. You just need to find out what it was and why it happened.
Are you putting in the same level of care into your own appearance as you expect from your wife?
From personal experience, I keep up on my grooming and appearance, and it influences my wife into keeping up her own appearance.
I’m in my 50s with 24 years together with my wife, and I still appear like I’m trying to date my wife for the first time.
If you do this and it still doesn’t influence your wife, then you’ll have a leg to stand on when you do have that talk. Good luck, OP.
Just assure her with compliments and pay attention to her, listen to her. She might unwind from this by herself.