I need to get something off my chest. My wife and I made a clear agreement a while ago – no more online gambling on Stake. She’s never been comfortable with it, and I told her I was done for good. But I broke that promise. I didn’t plan to, it just happened one day when I was feeling a mix of boredom and curiosity. I played again… and I won. A decent amount, too.
At first, I didn’t even know how to feel. Part of me was thrilled – it’s not every day you hit it big – but that feeling faded fast and was replaced by guilt. We have a joint account, so now I’m trying to figure out how to use the money without setting off alarm bells. I thought about buying her something nice or planning a surprise, something to make her happy, to show her I was thinking of her even in the middle of doing something I shouldn’t have done.
But no matter how I spin it, the truth is I broke her trust. I crossed a line we both agreed not to cross. And now, even though I want to do something good with the money, it doesn’t erase the fact that I did something wrong to get it.
I haven’t told her yet. I keep playing out different ways of saying it in my head, but I know none of them will make it okay. I love her more than anything, and the last thing I want is for her to feel like I betrayed her. But the truth is, I did. And now I have to find a way to live with that – or try to make it right, somehow.
Comments
Look just tell her, make apologies and more promises, then decide together what to do with the winnings. All your problems stem from making decisions without her, Don’t make another one without her.
When you say online playing you mean gambling? Yea that’s rough, if you have had issues with that maybe you could check psychological assistance, but the feeling of guilt maybe can push you to fall back
If you mean like playing a common online game, well maybe that agreement could be revised as long as you have a healthy relationship with it
Just keep quiet and put money away
Who writes like this?
Nice AI story.
Everyone has back slides on addictions, I think you got your Win and now you need to focus on making sure that doesn’t become a a problem again. I believe in pinky swears and promises. Which is why I don’t understand why we put so much pressure on making a promise when everyone knows it’s a struggle to keep it. Any way I think you should tell her because you made a pinky swear. And in the future instead of promising work on saying, I’ll get better.
It doesn’t sound like you broke her trust, it sounds like you have a gambling addiction and had a relapse. Thankfully it worked out well financially. Go find a support group and learn how to create strategies that will help you through times when the itch is hard to resist.
If you take this seriously and make meaningful steps admitting that you are powerless over your disease and seek help then your wife will likely be proud of you.
Consider yourself lucky this time. This isn’t a signal of invincibility, a hot streak, or anything else.
Gambling is an addiction, you make an addiction reinforced by habit. You broke that habit by stopping. But you gambled again.
As long as you avoid the same mistake and let the wife know what happened she should understand.
People have relapses. That’s a part of addiction.
You shouldn’t keep the wife out of the loop, that’s breaking her trust, it’s also hiding things and could easily snowball.
Come clean, decide what happens from there together.
Maybe use some of the money to help get you some help too.
I would say if you lost it all to tell her but since you won I would not say a damn thing. Simply stash the money away in some investments like its for retirement. Telling her will just lead to arguments and wasted energy. You though need to get into gamblers anonymous or something like that as you have a bit of a problem there.
Gambling ad…. I smell from here.
I’m more curious about how much you spent on gambling initially before you won. How much were you willing to spend? If it was a significant amount, that’s what you should tell her. If it was like $200 or less, that’s about a new outfit’s worth of money, and you said it was a one-time thing. No big deal, just replace that amount.
Don’t spend what you just gained. Put it in a savings account with a high yielding APR, then forget about it. If you reward yourself for gambling, you’re just going to do it again.
I wouldn’t even mention the savings account to her. I wouldn’t touch it either. Let it sit, let it grow.. whatever. And if you ever need it, then you can use it. Until then, pretend it doesn’t exist, and let it be a reminder that you broke a promise and now you feel guilty.
Don’t soften the blow of your broken promise with gifts, that’s insulting. Just fess up to how much you spent.
No one just randomly gambles. You have a problem and should be cut off from all your finances. Just tell her. Don’t make it worse by trying to be sneaky, then you’re just going to have to lie more and more and you’ll probably get caught anyways because your wife doesn’t trust you. You need help because it sounds like you’re a compulsive gambler.
Apologize. Say this is the last time ever and let her decide what to do with the money.
And may I suggest you check in with a professional to see if you need some support to stay clean of this.
If you buy her anything with the money you won, that you made after lying to her, it will ruin that thing for her forever. Not just that specific thing, everything associated with it. FOREVER.
I’ve been on the other side of this. She’s not going to like or want anything you buy so don’t bother. I HATE my fridge every single day because it was bought using “won” money from gambling in complete violation of promises and agreements about what was clearly a gambling addiction. I’d throw it in the street if I could, no joke.
In fact, don’t buy anything at all— you’re only reinforcing your own acknowledgedly bad behavior.
Block the URLs, give her the money 100% and get yourself to GA.
Time to go to GA and self ban on all the sites
The longer you don’t tell her the worse you make it.
If you feel unsure of how to tell her, get an online therapist and meet with them a time or two and ask them to help mediate.
But I’d suggest a few things:
Tell her you played and you know you’d agreed not to and you are sorry for betraying her trust and would like to work through possible solutions so you both feel safe in the future.
You won X amount of money and you’d like her to have her own account and put X amount in it so she feels like she has some say. If you value your marriage, I suggest giving her half. Having a chunk of change she feels in total control of will soften the blow considerably and show real contrition.
Since this clearly is a temptation for you, you either need to find a substitute behavior, do a 12 step or similar program to work on keeping your promise, or more realistically, ask if she’d be open to you both having an agreed on amount of discretionary income to use how you like, and you both pick a number and negotiate from there. That covers your play money if that’s what you want to spend it on, and she gets the same amount for girls night or self care or clothes or jewelry or whatever she wants to spend it on. Neither of you gets to police it but that’s all your discretionary money for the month, so if you blow it all in online play, no dipping back into the joint account.
If you can’t stick to that amount, you’re probably veering towards compulsive behavior and a 12 step program is probably your next step anyway.
First, start going to Gamblers Anonymous. Then get a therapist to help you. Make confessing what happened your first priority.
If you show her what happened was your “rock bottom” and you’re making genuine efforts to end your addiction, she may forgive you.
Ask her which outstanding debt to use the money for. Paying the electricity bill won’t be a reminder of what happened.
Dude, you have to be honest and talk to her. You broke a promise. That might be forgivable. What’s not is breaking a promise then lying about it, being sneaky and devious, and hiding things from her. At least you won, that should soften the blow, but you still fucked up and need to come clean and soon. Don’t wait too long.
I’d say be honest with her. she’ll probably appreciate honesty more than a guilt gift.
Nope you fucked up. Take that money and put it in your own account, in a CD and leave it there. Now never ever ever break a bond with your wife again.
Get a support group. Bring this up with the group. Talk to people who have been through this before and have had experienced outcomes of telling their partners vs not. I think knowing the consequences of both can help you decide what to do.
Keep going to the support group. Demonstrate actions that show you’re serious about quitting for good.
Relapse is a part of addiction. This is literally taught in Peer Support Specialist training. I don’t want you to feel shame for it, but just as proof of how much you need to admit you have a problem. Let yourself admit you have a problem to yourself, hold yourself in grace and compassion.
Look what happens when you give into your impulses: you break your wife’s trust, and risk losing money. You got lucky this time. Next time you won’t be.
Think about how awful this feels. Aren’t you sick of feeling this way? I know I was when I relapsed (for different reasons). I got so frustrated with myself for allowing myself to be in a situation where I relapsed and had a predictable outcome. I was so fucking pissed off at myself- but THAT’S what caused me to truly say never again and I haven’t done it since.
Fess up and donate the entire proceeds to charity in penance and never do it again.
You’re obviously an addict.
If you’re not willing to do this, you are feeding the addiction and benefiting from it. Walk away or you’ll make a much more depressing and guilt-ridden post in a few months. Let this be your rock bottom – instead of when you do it again and lose the house.
We’re all just between drinks and smokes.
This type of scenario is posted rather frequently. In the end you are lying, the ends do not justify the means.
A similar story…
My now ex wife, is a problem gambler…and we lived in the shadow of this for years, our lives were miserable, and it kept us broke.
Dec 20, 2010 or 11…We were four payments behind on our house, and were about to be foreclosed on.
There was going to be a Christmas, with no gifts ..it was that bad.
And she had a job where she got paid in cash..and so…that nite after Iw ent to sleep, she went to the casino,…and won almost 13k
She calls me at 2 am, and told me, and said she was gonna be late coming home, cause of some payout issue
I literally hung up the phone on her,
She got home, and gave me 6k in cash, and asked me to catch the house up.
I did not say a wird to her when she handed me the money. and then spent another 1500 on car repairs.(this she did do).
We did manage to spend enough to make a good christmas,
The rest of it…Probaby gambled it back.
Buy her something nice and say you have secretly been saving up to get it for her.
Take your pity party to the grave. Invest that money and look at it as an emergency fund. She’s not going to applaud and extol you for breaking a promise.
Now you’ll set her on a path of anxiety and discomfort wondering if you are still ‘playing’. The money will be forgotten and you will have to deal with the residual negativity.
If it bothers you much donate that money and or go to therapy for yourself off the books.
Honesty and self-punishment won’t do anything for you. Don’t play again, long term + volatility = variance.
If you don’t tell her she’s going to find out at tax time anyways when you have to declare the winnings so might as well rip off the bandaid and tell her, and ideally you’d also commit to getting help for gambling addiction regardless of her reaction.
Tell her and get help for your addiction.
It kind of seems like the best option would be to just bite the bullet and tell her. She most likely won’t be pleased by hearing it, but I’d definitely let her know how guilty it made you feel and how much you have been struggling with the feeling of betraying her trust.
As a side note, gambling is (can be) an addiction. And an addiction is one of the hardest things to break. It is quite literally wired in to your genetics if you will have addictive tendencies. Personally; alcohol is/was my poison. (The most detrimental one) and I spent over 4 years with my heart dead set on stopping. I genuinely wanted to stop and sickened by the thought of continuing. And then the next day as I would be walking out of the liquor store, I would be thinking “why did I do that? I don’t even want to drink this” and once I had it opened, staring at it thinking “why am I doing this? I don’t want to do this” all while feeling guilty about how I was negatively affecting my family and friends.
No matter what the addiction is, they are incredibly hard to get control over. But for a gambling addiction you aren’t able to go to a detox or rehab and take medication to satisfy the part of your brain that is craving it. There is little help that can be done for it besides willpower and therapy, it’s a tough situation to be in.
First take a proactive step towards making sure it actually doesn’t happen again. Regret isn’t enough — you have a medical problem, and should seek medical intervention, whether that’s counseling or some other kind of structured behavior you think will work for you.
Then show her this post. You’ve made your feelings really clear here, and I think she will believe you that you sincerely regret your actions if she reads this.
How much?
Put it in retirement account or college account
In my opinion, just keep it to yourself. Open up a different account at the same bank, such as high yield savings account or IRA and drop the money in there. Then later on when you want to do something good for her use some of the money from there. If she ask how or why, just say that you have money that you’ve been putting back that you saved. Which would be technically true. Save yourself the argument, lecturing, and complaining.
But if you have a gambling issue then you need to get some professional help. But I still would put the money to the side.
You were not “thinking of her, even in the middle of doing something I shouldn’t have “ you were thinking of your own selfish desires.
Would she be as happy if you have sex with another woman and that woman pays you a large sum of money?
See how the money doesn’t fix the betrayal of trust?
It didn’t “just happen”. That’s about as truthful as someone showing up in the ER with a cylindrical item in their colon because they “slipped and fell on top of it” and it “accidentally got stuck up there”.
You have an addiction. You need to admit to it and seek therapy because this WILL happen again, but next time you will not be in a winning situation.
Throwbit in the retirement fund
Tell her and accept the consequences, if any.
If you are really sorry and want to do something good, donate the money to charity.
You need a lil
Bit of rehab or sum
Sort of like gamblers anonymous nbs that shi bogus
Tell her you had a relapse. And here’s is all the money you won. She must keep it for savings. So it can’t be spent.
And sorry.
just keep playing. you will lose the money in no time again.
Just seek some counselling and fess up to the Mrs you can still buy her something nice
Go into you closet and put on your big boy pants, your communication socks, and your humility hat.
Tell her you broke her trust and your promise and that you feel awful. Tell her you chose a situation where if you lost you would be an asshole and now you realize winning also makes you an asshole.
Tell her that you realize now that if you had lost, you probably would have hidden it. Tell her now that you’ve won, you were also trying to find a way to hide it. And, that you now fully realize how wrong it was to so something you fully intended to hide from her.
Apologize and expect her to be upset and take it. Give her full control of the money. Do not expect one single cent or benefit from it. You stole from the relationship.
Or, use it to win more