I always consider myself as a strong-minded and independent woman. My husband and I have been in relationship for ten years, married for two. I never imagined the humiliation of being cheated on until it happened to me.
I confided in only three people: his mother, a psychologist, and the nanny I cancelled last minute. Despite my strong sense of self-worth, this experience shattered a significant part of it.
Four months have passed, filled with heartfelt conversations and genuine attempts at reconciliation from his side. Yet, the fear of his repeating this betrayal lingers. I know it’s unfair, given his efforts to change, but I can’t shake the feeling that his infidelity wasn’t a mistake or lapse in judgment; it was a conscious choice.
I was waiting for his reply,while he was communicating with this woman. So it was not like something happened coz they were caught in the moment. He actually set everything up. They meet up, had sex, and the next day i was with him, as if nothing happened.
So you see, this fear remains, though. I worry he could do it again, regardless of our mood, regardless how happy I think we are. Perhaps next time may even without guilt. Technically, he wasn’t guilty until I discovered his actions. His guilt stems from my discovery, not the act itself.
I know its already 4 months and i should not bringing it up to him, but its not easy.
My insecurity builds up, and everytime I see beautiful women, I look at him and wait how his reaction will be. Coz i am no longer safe. My heart is no longer safe with him. But i stay coz its him I cant sacrifice.
Please tell me your honest thoughts on this.
Comments
I honestly feel like you should speak with him. It might be 4 months later but you still are hurt by it and you need to tell him how you feel. But if I were you I would give him another chance tell him how I felt about it and try my hardest to forget about it no matter how painful it can be. If he means a lot to you then you should give another chance but if he does it again even after you told him how you feel then I would say it’s not worth staying
It was a conscious choice that he made. You’re better off being alone, rather than being with someone who couldn’t stay loyal to you.
Give yourself the respect he didn’t give you, and leave. He broke the trust that you had in him, and nothing will ever change that or be the same.
It’ll be hard and take loads of time. But you deserve so much better.
Honestly you may never forget it. It’s a scar on your marriage. Your marriage might be able to survive this infidelity but the scar will always be there. If you are aiming to forget and go back to the way things were it’s not going to happen. But it doesn’t mean you can’t be happy in your marriage again if that’s what you want to do. You think you shouldn’t bring it up again because it’s been four months that’s only a speck of time. You can bring it up again for the rest of your marriage if that’s what you want to do. Personally I don’t think I would want to do that’s why I will not stay with each other. I’m going to throw it in their face every chance I get. If that’s who you are be honest with yourself and maybe consider leaving the marriage.
You shouldn’t be bringing it up? You feel guilty? I’m sorry, but what for?! HE did wrong. He doesn’t get to decide how you deal with that!
It’s normal to feel this way. He broke your trust, and trust takes time to heal. Love is not enough without feeling safe and respected. Take your time. Your feelings matter.
Edit: why am I getting downvoted? Lol
Why would you want to forget? What has he done for reconciliation? Why are you staying with your husband if he’s not remorseful?
This is the reality of being cheated on & choosing to stay.
Their cheating will always live rent free in your head.
Now you’ve be on edge, every time he goes out, doesn’t answer your call quick enough, something feels off you’ll jump straight into he’s cheating again.
You deserve better! Onward & upward
I was you, 11 years ago… I let it slide but I never got over it. He did it again 4 years ago and is now married to her. He took my dignity and sense of self worth. It broke me. My advice… leave him now!
He cheated one time, he will cheat again.
Four months are nothing, related to then impact of what he did. You are expecting way too much from yourself and way to early.
Give yourself time and space from him, ots the best you can do.
<hugs>
But it’s not really unfair to him, these are the repercussions of his actions.
When you enter into a monogamous relationship, you typically do so under the assumption that you’ll be pledging fidelity to one another, and if no that a fleshed out component of the relationship elected into by both parties.
You shouldn’t be embarrassed, he should be. You did not choose this, he did.
And just as in dating, you have to work to build trust. His choices shattered that. you should not feel bad about your feelings about his attempts to repair what he broke.
Do you have other support? It’s great you went to a psychiatrist, but do you not feel his mother may be a biased party here?
You won’t forget. Ever. Will you be able to move past it? Maybe. But you will never forget. You could go for months, years, never thinking about it. Then it will pop into your mind on a random Tuesday while your making a grocery list. It might hurt, it might not, it might influence your actions it might not. But you won’t forget.
You’re husband does not get to decide how you feel about what he’s done. He does not get to dictate how you grieve. He’s the one who made the mistake, not you. You are grieving the man you thought you loved, the relationship you thought you had. He needs to accept your pain and sit in the uncomfort of you expressing it. He should never belittle how you feel. It’s his job to fix his behavior, not force/manipulate you to change yours. If he can’t see that, he doesn’t actually regret what he’s done. He will never change because he doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t love you.
I’m sorry hun. I’m so fucking sorry.
Who have you been talking to? Recovery from cheating takes years!! You will have ptsd. You should bring it up and shame him!! He deserves it! He could have given you an std!!
What’s his justification for the affair? It obviously wasn’t a spur in the moment kind of thing, it was planned and prepared beforehand. The trust was broken. I would never trust this man again. You don’t have to put yourself through this. Leave him and heal yourself.
Why are you still with him?
It’s the worst and I am going through it right now. I’m sorry for you – it’s so deeply painful and you question everything. Make sure you do what’s good for YOU, because he surely wasn’t doing that.
You are correct. It was a conscious choice. He formed the bond, made the plans, and followed thought with meeting her and having sex. Those are all deliberate actions. He’s only sorry because he was caught. Otherwise, he would have taken this to the grave. And the next time, he will be better at hiding it.
If you want to stay together, he needs to be the one making changes. How is he showing you he won’t do it again. If it were me, I’d be sending him divorce papers because I could never trust him again. Once the trust is gone, what’s the point of the relationship.
But what do you mean it’s him you can’t sacrifice? He had no probable sacrificing you and the relationship. Also, what did his mom have to say?
Leave. Honestly, stop apologizing for how you feel. It’s ok to feel what you feel.
You’re not meant to forget. You’re meant to fought out if it’s worth forgiving. Can you find yourself and peace if you forgive? You’ll waffle between angry, despair, desolation, and “I’m burnt this whole motherfucker to the ground “. And all of that is okay. As long as you’re finding what you need. He did his thing and got his needs
Met. Now it’s your turn. Just don’t lose sight of your
Morals and values. Going through the same shit so dm if you need support or to vent.
It’s ONLY been 4 months, you really need to give yourself a break here, it’s ALOT of complex emotions. Continue to see your psychologist and ask the professional how to best navigate this.
In the meantime give yourself a break girl for feeling anything and everything that you feel about it.
People who cheat are not morally sound people. They are weak and selfish. They always do it again. And it’s probably not even the first time since he was so covert with it all acting as if nothing happened. Separate your money and make an exit plan bc after trust is gone, nothing is left to build on.
You can’t forget because it’s not like you have to. After spending that amount of time with someone it isn’t easy to see the light at the end of the tunnel if you go through something like this. You will be in pain and maybe nothing will make sense for a while but you will make it. Anything could happen, but the most important thing is that you feel safe, happy, and loved, either by his side or not.
One of my very good friends got into a relationship with this guy she was working with. He seemed like the loveliest person on earth and it was very nice to see her be treated better than her last relationship. Until he cheated. He explained it was a spur of the moment and he didn’t mean to. She found out through one of their mutual friends. He could not be more sorry, he even tried to make amends with her closest friends, including me. After three years of relationship, and her helping him through hell and back, he cheated again. This time, thankfully, she dumped him.
I don’t know your husband. I don’t know your circumstances. What I do know and what I experienced is situations like these all over again, including my own mom when her boyfriend of 8 years decided to tell her during my birthday that he has been cheating on her for a year. I am not married but I do now it must be incredibly hard to deal with situation like this where saying ‘just leave’ is not as easy. From observing all the women in my life that got cheated on I can say there is a huge possibility he will do it again, especially when, as you said, it was planned.
As hard as it is you have to choose what will be best for you and your children, whatever the decision is, and go from there. Speak to your therapist, 100 times if you need to. But as harsh as it may sound, if you choose to go forward with the relationship you must accept the risk that it might happen again. For your sake and happiness I really really hope it won’t. You are a stranger to me but even I know you deserve better than that and it is totally valid for you to feel worried, the only thing unfair is the disrespect he brought on you. If he doesn’t regret the action but rather you discovering, how does it stop him from doing it again?
What he did was deliberately inflict a grenade in your heart. He may feel remorse but he still did the damage. You are suffering betrayal trauma as severe as a returning veteran from the war suffering PTSD. This will be a lifelong process. You cannot get over the loss of a wound of this magnitude. Could you get over losing your arm? No! You will learn to adapt to a new life and survive using one limb. Likewise, you’ll learn to live with this huge scar across your heart. It’ll take time to adapt to a new view of life. Give yourself time and space. It takes most people 2-5 years to adjust to the new normal. Please get into individual counseling to learn how to process everything. Figure out why you want to stay married to this man. If he’s sincerely remorseful and contrite then he needs to learn his why’s as well as how to help you heal. When you have completed IC then you can begin couples counseling and address how to rebuild trust and tools to prevent a recurrence as well as ensure connection
I’m sorry you’re here. Take things slow.
stop blaming yourself for these extremely normal reactions. Hes the one who fucked up. I get that you’d wanna make it work but it’ll always haunt you 🙁 may be consider separating
My dad cheated on my mom when she was pregnant. It’s been more than 20 years and my mom still isn’t over it. It’s normal to not let it go. It’s a huge scar but the best advice I can give you is to accept what has happened and don’t blame yourself. Believe it or not but men are just not as emotionally invested in relationships as women. They can even leave their children without feeling guilty. Letting your thoughts get intoxicated by cheating men is the worst thing you can do to yourself.
You say “it’s him I can’t sacrifice”. But the cost of that is sacrificing yourself. Is that worth it? Even if you forgive, the relationship will never be the same. You deserve better.
Get into marriage and individual counseling
Your feelings are valid
He’ll never change, he’ll probably do it again BECAUSE YOU STAYED. In my opinion, he doesn’t deserve you. The resentment will build, you’re relationship will never be the same. It’s over.
He 100% will do it ahain
It wasn’t a “lapse in judgement” it was a series of intentional choices. He will do it again. Do you know why? Because people who cheat are missing a moral code. So it’s pretty easy to do it again. They get a dopamine hit from the high of an illicit affair. The secrecy and the excitement are what they crave. If you decide to stay you will be going through this again, sooner rather than later. ESPECIALLY if there were no real consequences for him. At the VERY least, separate to get your thinking more clear.
I’m sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you can’t forget because you are a genuine person and would not have done the same to him. Some people can work through these kind of situations. I’m not one of those types myself. For me, when someone purposely commits an act they know has the potential to end the relationship, they’ve ended the relationship. It may take me a bit to catch up, i.e., find out. But once I do, no way will my brain ever let me forget.
I don’t know why you would forget about it? You trusted him. You thought he would never do that to you. But he did.
Of course you can never trust him again. Of course you feel off balance. Of course you don’t believe him.
Honestly, you make no mention of why you decided to stay with this man. This man who you realize you can’t trust and didn’t really know that well. Why are you staying?
Look at what you wrote.
He didn’t feel guilty….
He made a choice to betray you.
It wasn’t a mistake. He did this with purpose. He didn’t consider the consequences. He acted like a single man.
He will do it again. Next time he just won’t get caught.
But you will never truly trust him again.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with that fact hanging over your head, because as others have said. YOU WILL NEVER FORGET what he did to you.
He did the most disrespectful thing he could have done to your relationship. He doesn’t get a second chance.
Life is too short to be unhappy.
The fear will always remain because he violated the cornerstone of any relationship. Trust. Without it you can move forward, everything just falls apart. You need to do what you feel is right, don’t take his feelings into consideration because he didn’t give one fuck when he was with that girl. Once a cheater always a cheater. You deserve better and will get better. I’m
Sorry he did this to you.
He imploded your life and gave up on your marriage, of course you feel this way. Watch john delony show for advice
Adultery is an instant three strikes and you’re out. It’s never a mistake. A mistake is like I dropped my sandwich on the floor. You can’t accidentally commit adultery. You must escape before he continues to disrespect you.
Don’t get mad, get even
Cheating is ALWAYS a conscious choice. There are no accidents in cheating. This goes for both sexes, but there is no:
” I tripped and fell with my dick going in her vajayjay….and out and….in, and out, and in….but don’t worry, I’m OK. I didn’t get hurt or injured or anything.”
You can’t forget because you don’t have to. He betrayed your trust and you’ll always wonder what he’s doing. Who is he texting? Why is he taking so long to get home.
Just because he’s changing doesn’t change what he’s done. Sure he can give you unlimited access to his phone or email but you won’t be able to shake that feeling.
While it’s up to you to decide what to do, be with someone who would never break your trust. Who would never make you think twice about where he is.
Damn. I’m so sorry. I hope you make the best choice for yourself.
You’ve been betrayed a the core, do you really think 4 months would repair this breach of confidence? This most likely will never really heal, sadly.
You explain his actions and remorse so well, and yet you want to stay?
Look, if you want reconciliation, you should check out asoneafterinfidelity for reconciliation support and resources.
Wgat you’re feeling is normal and its on HIM to address what he caused.
It was a conscious decision & it’s not your problem to avoid. He needs to do the work to repair the trust, not you avoid it.
If you both want the marriage to continue you need to start seeing a marriage therapist together. 4 months is NOT plenty of time to get over it. He betrayed your trust, he betrayed your marriage, and he hurt you. He doesn’t get to decide when it’s time for you to move on.
If he wants the marriage he will work to earn your respect and trust.
If it’s any consolation, my current girlfriend of over 2 years (both of us divorced after 10 year stints with our exes) forgave her ex for cheating once, he went on to cheat another 4 times that she only found out later after her divorce. I always think it’s a mindset thing of “I got away with it once” I’ll get away with it again. The reality is that the trust you had has been broken. Seriously just rather walk away and find someone that will stay true to you.
Oh no no no,
None of this is your fault, and 4 months? This will be here in 60 more, till the day you I’d this, he chose it. He isn’t an animal he is a grown man. This is part of the consequences of his actions. He is going to have to put in more work than you, if he wants to make this work he will put in the effort.
If your not in couples counseling get in it, and do individual as well. Get yourself a trauma therapist who can help you release this. So no matter if you decide to stay or leave you won’t carry it with you further
Why should you forget? He made the marriage vows. He committed himself to you and only you in front of all your friends and family. He deliberately sought out this other woman. He deliberately planned out his cheating. It was not spur of the moment. He was not drunk or drugged. He deliberately chose this. De willfully and deliberately planned out how to have sex with the woman and keep it hidden from you. He willfully and deliberately planned this out and executed the plan only two years after he committed himself to you in front of everyone. This wasn’t a mistake. He CHOSE this. He PLANNED this.
Of course you can’t forget. He deliberately broke his marriage vows. He willfully and deliberately broke your trust. Once trust is gone, it’s almost impossible to get back. Unfortunately, it will ALWAYS be in the back of your mind. Work trip? Is he screwing some chick he picked up in the hotel bar? Late from work? Is he stopping for a quickie from some side chick? Golf on Saturday or is he really just over at some bimbo’s place banging her? You don’t know and your mind will always wonder. Always. It’s normal.
So my point is, why have you stayed with him? You see what this has done to you? Do you want to live your life always wondering if he is being honest or if he’s cheating again. Living with that constant fear and anxiety is no way to live. Plus, what does this fear and anxiety do to your child? Trust me, as a child of divorced parents, you see the stress and anxiety you parents are going through. It’s usually better for the kid to have two divorced parents that are happy than having two parents stay together that are miserable. This is tearing you apart. He has deliberately destroyed your trust. You can see what it’s doing to you.
I can’t tell you what to do other than to look at the situation, look at what’s it doing to you and decide if you can live your life that way? I couldn’t. My mom couldn’t. Mom found someone and had 40 happy years with her 2nd husband.