Yeah, that’s what she said. Buckle up.
I (32F) have been with my fiancé (38M) for almost 4 years. He has a daughter (15F) from his first marriage. Her mom is very much in the picture, but she’s more of a “wine and vibes” parent than someone who actually parents. I’ve been the one handling school stuff, doctor’s appointments, making actual meals instead of Postmates every night, helping her through panic attacks, you name it.
Now I never tried to replace her mom, but I’ve been a consistent, caring adult in her life. I even helped plan her last birthday party when her mom completely forgot the date. Like I’ve seriously bent over backwards for this kid.
Fast forward to last weekend. We’re at this fancy dinner with my fiancé’s family, first time his extended family has met me, so I’m trying to make a good impression. Midway through, his daughter turns to me, smiles sweet as pie, and goes:
“So how does it feel being a gold digger with a uterus? That’s what mom says you are.”
Whole table stops. Someone chokes on their wine. I just sat there stunned for a second and said, “Oh, honey… I’m not your mom. I just happen to be the woman keeping your life together while she’s out getting her chakras aligned.”
Fiancé was mortified. His daughter burst into tears and stormed out. He later said I “stooped to her level” and that I need to apologize because “she’s just a kid repeating what she hears.”
I told him I’ve spent YEARS being disrespected and taking the high road, and maybe the real problem is that a 15-year-old is walking around thinking she can say things like that and not get clapped back at.
Now his family is split, some think I was too harsh, others say I just finally said what no one else would.
So… AITAH for finally telling this girl I’m not her mom when she decided to come for me in front of the whole damn family?
Comments
NTA, he should be ashamed that his daughter said something like that, especially in front of his relatives. She only cried because she knows it’s true, and maybe she should learn some respect.
Run for your life. You might not be in the wrong but those are not really great circumstances for you. It’s actually terrible
I’d say you need to reevaluate this relationship and your role in it
NTA. She asked for that. She knew what she was doing.
NTA but you need to reevaluate if you really wanna marry this man…
NTA she needs to be put in her place for real especially speaking to you like that after everything you’ve done for her – disrespectful
all this is coming from her mother, your fiance needs to fix this
NTA she is 15 years old and is old enough to know better. It sounds like a boyfriend problem because he refuses to correct his daughter and is demanding you to apologize for standing up for yourself. She FAFO that in front of her family. She thought it was ok to degrade you in front of everyone and knew what she was doing was wrong. If I was you I would step back from doing anything for her that her mother should be doing. Then she will see what all you have been doing for her that a mother should do.
NTA. She crossed a serious line, and you responded with restraint and truth. She needed to hear it, especially after all you’ve done for her.
I agree with other posts that you need to reevaluate this relationship. As a stepmom to a teenage girl, teenagers are awful, hateful people ( we all are at that age ) but it’s not what she said or all of the other stuff she might have done, it’s the reaction of your fiance. My husband would NEVER stand for anyone to disrespect me, even his daughter. He should have dealt with this at the beginning, and the fact that she’s comfortable saying it at dinner in front of everyone tells me a lot about how permissable he is.
NTA. It’s time to stop doing those things. If you live with them, move out. At least until she is 18 and no longer under a custody agreement.
NTA but please leave him. This is not the family you want to marry.
NTA I’m proud
Teenagers are jerks in general, but your fiance not reprimanding her before you even had a chance to respond is the real problem here. He’s the AH.
People need to learn that they shouldn’t serve what they can’t take. Better she learns that at 15 then at 30. NTA. Your not her mom, it’s time her parents step up and do all the parenting shit you do.
All that being said, her mom seems to be the root of this problem. I think it’s in order for your fiancé to explain and enforce appropriate behavior from his ex. Her shit talking you to her kid is shitty behavior.
What she said was unacceptable. Your fiancé should have spoken up to her immediately, before you had to. This is something you guys need to figure out before/if you get married.
NTA
I don’t understand the “I’m not your mom” part. Did the daughter say you were?
NTA,15 years should know better than to say stupid shit like that.
NTA. A 15 year old should know better, and it’s a true failing of her parents that she doesn’t. Her father should be stepping up and correcting that behavior. Sounds like it’s a good thing she at least as one adult who cares, but you may want to reconsider this relationship. He’s unlikely to grow a spine.
I would IMMEDIATELY stop doing any of these things for her and let her Dad and her flighty Mom handle it.
Updateme
NTA
I always find it so funny when people say terrible things but can’t take back the heat
You did well and please stop involving yourself in her life before she seriously apologize and that you are okay with it (but I’m the type of person who holds grudge).
I’m concerned about the fact that your fiance is unable to lecture her and protect you. Even when I was eight I knew what I can’t say to someone. This one is a master red flag, especially after all you’ve done for her.
NTA. She’s old enough to know exactly what she was doing. She was trying to embarrass you in front of future in laws and thought you wouldn’t dare say anything rude in front of them. She’s just embarrassed that it didn’t work out the way she expected.
Your fiance should have shut that down hard before you had to defend yourself
I’m adding that this would be a great time to reevaluate both relationships with your man and his child.
Everybody at the table had a chance to jump in, but no one took it. You gave a great answer. Funny how the kid’s level wasn’t low till you met her where she was. You know he’s a hot mess, right?
Nta
That was perfect.
She’s not a child anymore.. she’s old enough to get it dished right back to her
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
If you can’t stand the heat, get the hell out the kitchen-
Don’t dish out what you can’t handle getting served-
Fuck around and find out
Karma is a bitch-
Ex fiancé now?
NTA Quit being a mom and just be an extra adult. No more homework help, no more birthday parties, no more giving up your time. fiancee and mom can deal with her.i suggest family counseling but I doubt she would go.
NTA. If you’ve spent YEARS trying to be a mom figure (not her mom, I know) then she has the nerve to knowingly say that not only in public but in front of family you’re meeting for the first time, then you had every right to say what you did. I find it funny, I applaud you, and maybe his bratty child will think twice before repeating or saying something like that again. Ask her how it feels to have a big head yet no brain to think with. Sounds like the mom is bitterrrrr!
NTA but you have a fiancé problem. The fact that his daughter at her age thought it was OK to say something like that to you and to show you that amount of disrespect when she is well aware of the fact that you are the one helping her keep it all together is horrible. This is something that her father should have shut down immediately, and the fact that he didn’t is a bit of a red flag. You need to think long and hard about whether or not you want to stay in a relationship where your fiancé does not have your back.
NTA. You matched her energy. She’s 15. She knew what she was doing and it boomeranged on her sassy ass. She is old enough to know. Don’t start none, won’t be none.
She’s 15 and 15 year olds are not as a rule very nice . Hopefully like most 15year olds she will grow out of it an enjoy dealing with a 15 year old daughter of her own someday . The issue isn’t with her , I said a lot of really stupid things when I was 15. The issue is with your fiancée. He should have shut that down immediately and then taken his daughter aside for a come to Jesus meeting.
That poor child. It’s seems neither of her actual parents are capable of parenting her.
She’s old enough to have her own opinions. If she can’t hear the response then she shouldn’t say anything at all.
Ask your fiance if he actuslly respects you or if he’s just with you so he has someone to care for his child cos at this point you’re just starting to feel like a nanny.
No the problem is your husband didn’t jump in and defend you before you had to
And I think you were rather sweet… and wildly intelligent in your response.
If dad doesn’t back you then let him know he will be doing ALL the parenting from now on and you’re going to spend your free time and the day spa
NTA! How she conveniently left out the part you helped her with her birthday. Not to mention the dr appts and cooking good food instead of ordering from postmates.Run now whilst you still can! She is gotten to comfortable disrespecting you!
The fact that her Dad said YOU must apologize to HER blows my mind.
After so many years together, he should appreciate all you do for his daughter and him.
Seems like you are in his life to manage his daughter.
NTA, but don’t marry this man. It will never get better. She has made you the target for all her anger. This is something her father should be helping her with through therapy. Not letting her be ugly to you.
NTA, but seriously, you need to get out of this relationship. How can you marry a man who doesn’t have your back?
What his daughter said is appalling. If he was an actual parent, he would have called her out and punished her. Instead, he blamed you. What a twat.
my children would never but also
even if they did, they wouldn’t turn to me for comfort because I’d be too busy pissing myself laughing at your clapback.
That was good. Well done.
She F’d Around, She Found Out! This girl lacks parenting by her mother and father.
NTA. Little Miss Sassy didn’t like being outsassed.
she’s 15 not 5… she knows better than to repeat everything she hears.
Your man not seeing the problem of letting his daughter talk to you that way is a massive red flag. She said that specifically to embarrass and get a ride out of you in front of others. I’m sure it’s difficult for her but that’s no reason to be intentionally nasty.
NTA. Your fiance is a jerk for not immediately reprimanding his daughter.
I hope he is an ex-fiance now. Updateme
You’re NTA.
Little girl wanted to be grown and act a fool. Drop the rope with this kid and let her fall apart. From now on it’s all “no I can’t. Im just a gold digger with a uterus”
Drop the rope here. Stop picking up her mother’s slack. You aren’t appreciated at all.
Sounds fake
NTA.
Ooffff that’s rough. You sure you want to marry a guy that lets you do it all for her and expects you to take her verbal abuse on top of it. Thats ridiculous. You deserve better from your partner.
I’d distance yourself from her because she sounds like she’s choosing the toxic road like her mom. Protect yourself.
Yeah… you played this wrong. But only because it was the wrong time.
She was looking for a reaction… she got a very solid one… but she couldn’t counter so (as a typical teen) ran off in tears.
I understand your temptation… but this wasn’t the place for you to put her in her place. Yes, she’s probably learnt a really valuable lesson (that you are not going to take her shit in public, that she can’t shame you in public, that you will slap her down, and that you can outsmart her), but now she will just increase her animosity in other ways. Expect her to start being difficult in other ways like intentionally showing up to family events inappropriately dressed, or asking lots of ‘innocent questions’ about things you don’t want to talk about.
Next time respond smarter “Oh, ha ha you are hilarious. Tell me… step daughter…. Why you think this is the right thing to say?” And let HER dig her own hole. Don’t clap back… hand her a shovel.
First and foremost I would stop everuthing ypu do for her… like she does not value you. And as you said before: you were up for love not a meangirla reboot…. You make dinner, make it for yourself and fiance… he wants HIS daughter to eat, he can make her some…get her to school, apointments, you name it. You are there for your partner nos his poison spitting offspring. In any case I would re-evaluate the relationship for ao many reasons… Fiest of because he saw nothing wrong and want yoylu to apologise… Secondly you have clearly done so much for thia girl but ahe does not apreciate you and just repeat-blaps what her wine mom sasi… As a 15y old ahe should no better… unless she really feels it… Staying with that men means being the rest of your life around him.not aupporting you and her getting brattier… Does not aound apealing to me… Now, if you really love him… and care enough for her to endure a talk.. do so… sit them down and have a serious talk… then go from there…
Run OP. Really. Your fiance didn’t stand up for you. This is always how it’s going to be. Forever. And with his kid talking to you that way? No thanks. Let him raise his awful daughter himself. I’d you stay for whatever reason, STOP doing anything for this kid. She can organize her own appointments (or he can do it).
Why are you still with that guy?
I hope you stop doing things for that brat. She is 15 and she knew what she said.
If you stay with the guy who won’t discipline his child and respect you, you should take a step back so parents do parenting, and if they don’t, it’s not your problem.
NTA
This will be your whole life if you marry him. Your fiance certainly won’t ever be on your side and this will only get worse. The girl needs serious therapy.
Your husband’s the asshole. That kid wanted a reaction and she got one. Now she can make her own meals.
I think you need to step back from doing anything for HIS daughter. Tell her as you loudly proclaimed I’m NOT your mother, go ask your father.
Sit back and see what he does. If he immediately berates you as it’s your responsibility then you know you’re only there because he can’t be bothered with the details of parenting.
A 15 yr old knows exactly what they are doing. They may not see the future results but they know what they are doing.
Take your uterus elsewhere.
NTA
No. She is a brat, and you did her, AND your fiancée, a favor. Teenagers are like that. Sorry you are having to deal with the split opinions/family drama on it, but doing the right thing is rarely the easy thing.
NTA She is 15 and knew what she was doing by making that hateful statement at such an important moment but you served her right back which she wasn’t expecting hence the fake tears.
The real AH here is your so called fiancé who didn’t immediately jump in to correct her or apologize to you so for me that is a big red flag 🚩
Run, OP, run. Your fiance reprimanded you AND half of his family wasn’t on your side? I hope you don’t have kids with this man.
This relationship will get worse.
Honestly, if end the relationship bc your fiance obviously doesn’t discipline her. I wouldn’t apologize and if I stayed i would definitely stop doing any motherly duties
Absolutely NTA. That girl waited for the perfect moment to humiliate you and you completely turned it around on her. Wonderful job.
I’m so sorry this happened.
NTA
She may be a kid but 15 is plenty old enough to know you shouldn’t be saying things like that to people without retaliation. Don’t dish it if you can’t take it.
NTA. Yes kids parrot what they hear but she’s old enough to know that words have an impact, and they actually mean something. She’s fifteen, not five. She knows what a gold digger is. She knows what she was doing when she said that in front of the entire family when you were meeting them for the very first time. She did it deliberately, trying to humiliate you and plant seeds of doubt in their mind. She needed to learn that actions, and words, have consequences. The fact that fiancé is okay with her speaking to you like that, in front of his entire family, and doesn’t see a need to punish her, is a HUGE red flag. It’s all made worse by the fact you have cared for and parented her for four years.
ETA: Edited for grammar and phrasing.
“She’s just a kid repeating what she hears.” She is 15 not 5. Also, gold digger with a uterus is such a weird insult. What does one have to do with the other?
NTA. Reconsider marrying him. Seriously.
Odds are, he will prolong engagement, and when she heads to college, he’d tell you that you are not compatible, and to find another place to live.
I woulda applauded you. Fucking teenagers are fucked these days.
AI checklist GO
This would be worth ending the relationship over. She shouldn’t have said that to you, she shouldn’t have felt ok doing it, and he should have pulled her to the side and chastized her for it right then. He will never back you up. Don’t stay in this dynamic, it won’t end well. and if you do stay, let her mom and dad do all the hard stuff like appointments and such. it’s not on you.
I would personally stop doing all those things and make her parent do it.
NTA…She needs to learn about respect.
He apparently needs “to grow a set.”
You’re a rockstar! 101% not TAH.
Heck no. She is old enough to show some respect and know better. Great job mom! Sounds like the only real adult in the family.
I can’t wait for the teens reaction when OP dumps his ass and her actual parents have to parent her.
You meant to say EX-fiancé, right?
Being a stepparent is an incredibly thankless job, if posts on reddit are any indication. I’ve just never heard of one being appreciated for their efforts.
She’s old enough to be deliberately mean,and she was. And she thought you’d crumble, and you didn’t. NTA.
You taught a great lesson in FAFO and I BOW TO YOU. That clap back off 🤌🏼. Way to stand up for yourself and draw a clear line of boundary to demand respect. Kids constantly test your boundaries, teens especially, they think they have it all figured out.
Was it harsh? Absolutely. Not all kids respond to gentle parenting, and this girl clearly isn’t gentle. You gave her a massive reality check that will ultimately help her in the long run
NTA, the government says she’s old (almost) old enough to be trusted with a license.
I’d take a step back and talk with your finance.
Obviously, her mom is feeding this to her but she’s old enough to know… if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.
I’m glad you stuck up for yourself
Nta but your fiance and his hateful daughter are. Stop doing anything for her. She doesn’t appreciate it so don’t do it. Let her dad and mom deal with everything if she gets no bday party that’s on her PARENTS. But personally I would bow out of this shit mess becoase neither the dad the mom or the kid respects you.
I can’t even lie I would’ve said something like that to her too or maybe worse 😂😂😂
NTA, she knew exactly what she was doing. Your fiance may be a problem as well if he blames you, rather than being mortified with his daughters behavior.
If you’re going to stay with this man (which I would seriously reconsider) – you need to stop doing the things you have been doing (school stuff, dr appt, etc.).
NTA, and she needs to apologize to you, not the other way around. Also, if my boyfriend said that to me, I’d be done.
NTA. She made a hateful comment to you in front of her relatives, and she told her a truth she did not want to hear. If your fiancé thinks that you stooped down to her level, he’s clearly wrong since you said something insulting about her mother, not her, whereas she straight up insulted you. Tell your fiancé that you deserve an apology from his daughter, and you won’t do anything for her again, at least until she does. But you definitely need to reevaluate your relationship with your fiancé to see if you want to continue your life with him or not
He 50% created that problem. NTA for standing up for yourself. I take it she is about to enter her cocoon any day now, changing the “just a child” into someone mature enough to join the armed forces, drive a car, and drink in some countries when the odometer rolls over 16. Daddy coddling his baby girl hasn’t helped her worth two shits.
NTA but it was a petty response, which I don’t blame you for impulsively saying. Your fiancé needs to talk to his daughter and make sure she realizes what she said is wrong. 15 is not “impressionable and repeats everything they hear” age.
NTA- Do NOT apologize. 15 years old is old enough to take responsibility for what comes out of your mouth. She was trying to stir shit. She FAFO’d and then boo-hoo’d when you called her on her shit . I would dump this man immediately because when it came time for him to have YOUR back he made excuses for his obnoxious daughter. You can do much better than this spineless man.
Woah. Nta. I would also stop bending over backwards for this brat. I’m also viewing your fiance’s reaction as a red flag. It kind of makes me think she’s made comments before because he doesn’t sound surprised. Glad to see you know your worth 👏
NTA. 15yo is plenty old enough to understand “don’t start none, won’t be none”.
Best she learns when to keep her mouth shut where she just got embarrassed instead of opening her mouth then getting her teeth fed to her when she starts shit with the wrong person. Too many people these days forgot there are plenty of people that have no problem letting their fists talk for them. Only way she’s going to respect you is if you stop bending over and taking what she’s giving
Quick on the draw, there, OP, but she had it coming. Her comment was ugly and profane. You need not apologize to anyone. OP NTA.
NTA
You’re clearly putting more effort into this than both of her parents. You’ve always taken the high road. Is it because your fiancé doesn’t defend you and put a stop to this?
It honestly sounds like he’s letting bio mom act as she pleases while you clean up the mess.
NTA. Holy fuck if anything you should have reacted stronger. And she had the audacity to burst into tears??? She’s fucking 15 years old for god’s sake tell your fiancé to teach her some fucking manners. If she was like 6 or something maybe I can buy the she’s just repeating what she heard excuse but she’s 15…
NTA. She is old enough to know better and at this age needs a serious reality check.
So, no, do not take the high ground here. She AND your SO should be apologizing to YOU.
You taught her a life lesson. Don’t dish it, if you can’t take it. NTA
NTA! She planned to do it at that exact moment. Her father should have pulled her aside read the brat the riot act and made her apologize to the whole table first and then you. And I would tell her it’s not over and tell her the only time she best open her mouth is when she’s putting the food into it the two of you pay for.
You need family therapy if this relationship is important to you. All three of you.
Personally it would be a deal breaker for me if he didn’t stand up for me. Too big of a bump in the road for me. Because she received no consequences in fact has people siding with you. And you’re expected to apologize? What are you the governess? You got saddle with all the work and all the bullshit. Don’t do a single thing for her. Let her figure it out. When she asks where’s dinner say in freezer. Book for yourself do only your laundry don’t book appointments. Tell her you’re too busy counting your gold and flexing your uterus
Glad he’s only your fiancé right now, OP. The fact that he didn’t stick up for you after his ingrate daughter fired shots first, is telling. Save yourself the headache and possibly some financial strain, and make him an ex-fiancé. You deserve better.
NTA – I would stop all the help you’ve been doing and make her dad do his duty. Wash your hands of them all.
Who did all the stuff for her before you were around? Your the a-hole to yourself for staying with a man who would let his daughter disrespect you.
The daughter is allowed to have her thoughts/feelings but she should be allowed to take them out on others.
NTA. What she said was an awful thing to say, but your fiancé is the real AH.
He’s fine with you being disrespected? It sounds like this is a common occurrence. Personally, I would rethink this relationship. But, if you still want to get married, you both need a serious conversation.
He needs to rebuild your trust and he and his ex should step up. Stop paying for her if she sees you this way.
NTA, fiancé is a big red flag though. He has passed on mommy duties to you for almost 4 years already, when does he plan to marry you? Think carefully and evaluate the situation, maybe an escape ia the best solution than a lifetime trap of servitude.
She’s 15. She knows better.
NTA. But I would reconsider marriage. How she treats you will only get worse, especially since your fiance isn’t parenting effectively. This isn’t being a dumb kid, this is a girl being enabled to be fresh. You didn’t come at you, you matched energy. Act grown, expect a grown response.
NTA and as a former stepparent, I hate to tell you but this won’t get better. You’re a bangmaid. You do all the work and don’t get a shred of respect in return. That stops now. Time for you to back off and stop being so helpful. Her birthday? Not your problem. She needs a ride? That’s what her parents are for. Withdraw from this.
I can see why the kid is rude. Her parents let her get away with it.
I left my bad situation and life is much better now.
NTA. First of all, what a stupid dig- that is the best she’s got?! Teenagers are a surly lot, but she deserved the clap back. Stand your ground, oh, and your husband is a turd sandwich.
She planned that verbal attack for maximum humiliation. Who knows why. Your “fiance” did nothing, continues to not parent and blames you, the unpaid help. Why are you still there?
You fell for a man looking for a woman to raise his child. Stop doing his parenting work, give back the shut-up ring and move out. Don’t waste years at family therapy trying to fix what are deep, fundamental problems in your relationship. You are a caring person who deserves respect.
NTA – she FAFO
But the real issue is the father. Especially if he had been told for years she was being disrespectful and he did nothing to end it.
Need to seriously re-evaluate this relationship.
Dad should have had some cajones and shut his daughter’s snotty comment down immediately. He need to grow a set asap.