I grew up with a father and older brother who were both physically and verbally abusive. I won’t get in to it, but I feel like my upbringing should’ve caused me to fear men..? Especially when I went in to dating and my first “real” boyfriend also turned out to be a controlling and verbally abusive pos.
I did fear men to an extent, but once I moved out of my parent’s house, I saw them differently.
Most of my friends are men. Not in the pick-me “girls are too much drama” or whatever backhand misogynistic kind of way. It’s because I can’t take men seriously anymore. And it makes me feel more comfortable to be myself around them.
I have a very hard time befriending other women. I am so scared of what they’d think of me. If I say the wrong thing, if I do something stupid or cringe. It weighs heavily on me for days, months, years. I probably take other women too seriously. To me, their opinions actually matter.
With men, I really don’t give a fuck. Oh, you think I’m ugly, fat? Oh, I said something cringeworthy and my hobbies are lame? I don’t care. And that level of not caring about every single move I make or thing I say makes it feel almost natural for me to feel more comfortable and authentic as myself.
When a man gets angry at/around me, I can only laugh. Because what are you gonna do? Hit me? I was getting the shit beat out of me by a practical bodybuilder 4-5× my weight when I was a CHILD. My brother tried to kill me every other week. So what’re you gonna do? Catch a charge for not being able to handle your own big emotions?? LMAOO you’re just embarrassing yourself.
Not saying that I put myself in dangerous situations. Like I don’t go out of my way to make men angry just because they’re men, nor can I walk alone at night or go down alleys by myself. But in general everyday life, a man’s opinion won’t make me think twice. A man’s input outside of constructive criticism isn’t going to change the way I look or feel about myself.
I’ve come a long way from where I used to be and I can only say that I’m proud of myself, because if I were to have let my childhood experiences effect (affect?) my view on men, I’d be a much different person, and not in a good way.
All this being said, I frequently experience a lot of FOMO. Both of my woman best friends have moved out of state, and I don’t get “girl time” or have an outlet to talk about my feelings or get to experience life with other women. I see girl groups out at the bar and feel a little jealous. My male friends want me to wingman for them, but I’m more nervous to talk to women than they are!
I don’t have a book club or a walking&venting girlie. I don’t have a girl friend I can sit on the phone and chat with for hours. When I talk about boys with my male friends, it’s always “do you want me to fight them?” which is sweet in it’s own way, but I miss having a girl friend to emphasize with.
Comments
Thank you for sharing such a raw and honest piece of your journey. It sounds like you’ve faced a lot of hardship growing up, and while it’s empowering that you’ve reclaimed your space with confidence around men, it’s completely understandable to still crave that sisterhood and support from other women. Your struggle with balancing the safety you feel with men and the vulnerability of connecting deeply with women is really relatable. Your progress is something to be proud of, and it’s okay to miss the kind of understanding friendship that only other women might provide. Keep pushing forward you deserve all the connection and care in the world.
🍿🍿👀