I’m 16, ftm, 5’4. Wednesday at 1am i took a paracetamol overdose (dont know if i should say the numbers on here) but two hours later i was profusely throwing up, went back to sleep, more throwing up, eventually was in too much pain that i had to tell my mum and got bluelighted to hospital, where i stayed from wednesday 8am to thursday 5pm, had two IV’s, lots of needles/blood tests and blood thinners, threw up 12 times (orange, then white foam, then dark green) all of that, whatever. i’m fine now but mentally i’m not. I wish it worked. I wish i was dead. I’m so stressed. My brothers are too scared to talk to me, my whole family r walking on eggshells and my mum is a wreck, my boyfriend is terrified and too scared to talk to me and my friends are worried. I can’t go in my room without sobbing, can’t do anything really. I’m exhausted and in pain and terrified, can’t stop sobbing. I want it all to stop, i want to be dead, i’m so done. What do i do? I feel so numb and i dont know what to do. Please help me. What steps do i take next? Who do i talk to? what do i expect? what do i do.
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Not to tell you what you think. But I have been in your position. In hindsight, I never wanted to be dead. I just didn’t want to be feeling or awake. I didn’t want to feel what I was feeling. I didn’t have the desire to be dead, I wanted it all to stop. Talk to your mum if you have a good relationship about how you’re feeling. And seek out a doctor to talk all this through with. The hospital should really be following up with you too
you might be able to talk to your mom to find a suitable psychiatrist/therapist to talk to. it may seem intimidating but talking to someone about how you feel in a medical setting might be relieving for you and might help figuring out where to go from here. wishing you the best
I very much agree with the other commenter here. When I’m actively going through suicidal ideation it’s not that I want to be dead, it’s that I want everything I’m feeling to stop.
I’m not going to say it gets 100% better because sometimes that’s not true. I attempted at 20 in a similar way to you. I went through similar things with my friends and family. They eventually come somewhat back to normal but will always worry.
You should see a therapist and a doctor who can get you on some antidepressants. It took me a while to find the right ones. I thought it was normal to have just some fleeting thoughts of suicide until I found a medication that truly worked for me almost 10 years later.
It does somewhat get better. I accepted that I was just bisexual who preferred women, I found my wife, I spent time finding a career I love after a couple misses, and now I have an amazing 1 year old daughter.
One thing you need to know is that you are not alone. I have attempted many times so I understand. It’s a good first step coming here and asking for help. You need help. Are you in the US? 988 hotline. You are wanted and you are loved.
What would make it easiest on your mind, is to not fight help. You’re in emotional and psychological pain. Just like a broken bone, you need a doctor to help you.
Tell your mom, or if you’re still in the hospital, tell the doctor or nurse that you can’t cope, and you need help.
From what I understand, (at least over here) help starts with at least 2 weeks of intensive support and professional help, without any distraction from your regular life.
All the day to day bullshit gets put aside.
Pressure? Absolutely none. All gone. 100% focus on you, not your day to day issues.
And then, they teach you how to take a step, and another one, and another.
They help you with a route to ‘better’. Not perfect. Not ‘what ppl expect from you’, but ‘better’, whatever that may mean for you.
I think that could help you a lot.
I’m 32, ftm, and I never expected to live past 18. My life isn’t perfect by any means but I’m much happier, I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was 8 and it’s helped a lot. I now live a pretty normal life and talk openly with my family when I’m feeling suicidal, down etc. right now your family and yourself are shaken up, things can get better it’s gonna take time.
please see if you can get some type of professional help. In Germany you will be put in a psychward for atleast 24 hours after an attempt, but I’m not sure how it is in your country.
Do you have a therapist or psychiatrist?
It would probably be time to look for some ressources 🩵
Going to a psychward might also maybe be an option for you.
They aren’t all necessarily bad. Especially for younger people. They often have some great programs.
I was molested as a child. I was an adult before I told a soul. Please, please seek help; tell at least one trusted adult. You are the victim here. There are resources for rape victims. Report him if you feel you can get through it. Don’t let that m’fer win. Don’t let your inner demons win. If possible, ask your trusted adult to take you somewhere you can feel calm, even if for a small time. I wish you happy healing because you belong here. He doesn’t.
Hey, I just want to say…I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. I know it hurts more than words can explain. But the fact that you’re still here means something. You’ve been given another chance…not just to survive, but to start again. This could be the beginning of something new, something better. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week—but with time, healing is possible.
You’ve shown incredible strength just by making it through and sharing this. That strength can carry you toward something more…more love, more peace, more life. You still have the chance to love, to be loved, to write a new chapter. You matter more than you know. Please don’t give up. You’re not alone in this.
I was in a similar situation. It feels like no one knows what to say to someone who attempted. In my experience, I think people are too afraid to say something that may trigger you, or may come off as insensitive. Although it sucks, I believe this is a sign of them caring about you. They care enough to not want to hurt you further.
I went was sectioned to a lockdown facility after my attempt. My advice: unless you are sectioned, or are absolutely sure it would benefit you, try to avoid psychiatric hospitals. They oftentimes add more stress and trauma than you initially had. To be honest, I was still suicidal after leaving the psychiatric hospital.
The thing that helped me the most was going to outpatient mental health treatment. It was a 3-4 week program, 9-2pm every weekday. I truly attribute this (along with medication adjustments) to my recovery. It was there that I learned about my cognitive processes, why I feel the ways I do, and how to help myself.
Please look into an outpatient program. They are usually covered by insurance.
There is no easy way to recover from such a dark place. It takes work, a lot of patience, and overall time. I wish you the very best.
I’m 28, FTM, attempted suicide for the first time at 19.
At the time, I thought I wanted to be dead, too. Over time, I’ve realized I didn’t want to be stuck in whatever pain or stressors I was dealing with. I thought that was the only way out of it, to stop experiencing it every day. There were other factors, like realizing I was trans around that time + knowing it would alienate me from my family. And I truly believed they would rather have a dead child than a trans child. How has that realization been for you? Are you in a safe, supportive environment?
It’s scary to survive and wake up. But you survived for a reason. Like I did, so I could talk to you right now.
Talk to a therapist. They’ll be able to help you a lot than strangers on the internet.
What does ftm mean?
My sweetie. I’m more than double your age and I can tell you from the other side: you cannot begin to imagine how amazing your life will be. I promise. You just have to stay.
You mom will need to get you a therapist, for you and the family at large, that would be step one. But you need to stay.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way honey, I know how it feels, I’m 19, I deal with those thoughts too I know how it feels to want to disappear and for everything to stop, I think you should look into therapy if you’re not already, I don’t personally go to therapy because I can’t afford it but I know some people who use better help it might be an option for you, I use finch because a lot of my issues come from a feeling of being out of control and getting overwhelmed and it helps me organise myself and is like a journal in my phone, I hope you feel better soon and I hope the pain stops in a way that keeps you with us
I went on antidepressants and it cured my suicidal thoughts. Maybe I was lucky idk. But I was basically the same story, tried to OD at 17 and didn’t get fully better until the medication when I was 21.
I’m surprised they discharged you and didn’t even suggest an inpatient psych stay given that you’re still suicidal. Depending on country, once you’re stabilized enough, you could also look at something like a residential treatment program to develop less self destructive coping mechanisms.
There are a lot of horror stories about psych wards, but I personally found it very helpful when I was having a lot of suicidal thoughts.
I’m ftm, 25, and I thought I wasn’t going to live past 17. The universe had other plans for me and now you. You are alive for a reason. You have a lot of life left to live and to find what brings you joy. It does get easier. I know that sounds corny and I didn’t believe it when I was your age. Now that I’ve experienced it I know that things don’t stay the same forever and you will get through this. The best advice I can give is find a counselor that you vibe with and look into medication if you’re not on any already. Both of those things have saved my life more than once. I really hope the best for you.
Hey, listen please you’re just 16yo. I know that everything is hard now especially since you are a teen but also try to look at it from a scientific perspective. Your hormones are all over the place. You are also developing your personality. So all of this is for you to become stable at 18-20. Trust me girlie. I am now 22. And i remember that i was always suicidal when i was teen. It does get better, A LOT BETTER. Many people that you still haven’t mer are somewhere waiting to shower you with love. Eventually, you will come to reddit 5 years for now, and see your old self in somebody else’s suffering, and you will advise them and help them out. Just like i am doing with rn
I love you you are pretty
Oh hun, I’m so sorry you are feeling this much pain. It’s incredibly lonely and scary, and not having anyone who knows what to say only adds to that.
It sounds like you might be in Australia? (Me too). There’s lots of help out there. For you, for your mum and family, and also your partner. Speaking to your GP first is a good start. They can try some medication for you to help with the overwhelming thoughts and feelings. Then they can help you and Mum find a youth service (headspace) to talk about what’s going on. There’s also special supports for different types of trauma (sexual assault service in NSW) and for LGBTQIA+ mental health.
I work in youth mental health and I see so many young people recover from their intense pain and go on to live full and amazing lives. On top of all the horrible stuff I can’t even imagine you’ve been through, being 16 is such a shitty time in life. Growing up can be painful in itself, then add on some trauma and gender dysphoria and it becomes too much. It makes sense why wanting to end it feels like your only choice. But it isn’t. Things can get better. You have all the chances to move past this pain, it just takes some people who are trained and have similar experiences to help you through.
But please know, we need you. There is no one on this planet like you! You cannot be replaced, and the world will be worse off without you. Your life, your pain, they can get better. You just need some help. We ALL do from time to time. I’m currently going through it, too. Life has gotten very overwhelming. I’ve had to learn in my 36 years of life how to ask for help. it’s so hard to do. But I know you can do it, it gets easier. There’s so many people out there who want to help you, and they are so happy to support you through this. You’re cared about, and you’re needed.
I know it hurts. I’ve been close to there before. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. There are always warm days ahead. Even one of them is worth it.
I don’t know what it is making you feel this way specifically, but I know it will pass. Things always change eventually.
I promise there will be a different, kinder day ahead. Push yourself there. I think you’ll be happy you did.
Good luck. Always available to hear a dm if you need.
Real talk from personal experience (both here and what was posted on your profile previously) here we go- it is time for a med check, inpatient care, and a disconnect from social media. Everything that is going on as previously mentioned needs to be very directly and professionally addressed, and I can only imagine that if you are on hormones for your transition, that it must be even a million times harder to work through on your own. Reach out to those that you trust, have a trusted adult help you with the healthcare related parts, and figure out a plan. You’ve got this homie ❤️
did they not admit you to a psychiatric hospital? not sure when you are but in the US if you’re admitted to the hospital for suicidal ideation or attempts they’ll send you to a psychiatric ward until you’re safe again
Just hang on.. I know everything seems like such a huge deal at that age. And it is, not to take away from what you’re feeling..
It does get better.
Oh Hun…🫂🫂🫂🫂
There is no shame in asking for help. It’s time for you to get the help you need. Maybe talking to your parents and being admitted into the hospital. They should have taken you to get Psychiatrist help at the hospital.
Please have your parents take you back to the hospital. Tell them how you feel. Don’t be scared.
I’ll be 27 this year, I’m nonbinary AFAB. I tried doing something similar with the litany of antidepressants I was prescribed. To echo as many have said, I never wanted to be dead. I was living in a toxic unsupportive environment. I was unknowingly autistic and struggling with the family and societal difficulties of “looking normal” and “being off”, as well as a variety of sensory triggers and hypermobility. I didn’t have good friends. But I’ve been in therapy for a LONG time. And therapy has truly helped me significantly and only more since finding a better support system and healing from the trauma of a toxic family.
It’s a cliche that makes you roll your eyes now, but it does get better. If you can, watch Bojack Horseman. It talks frankly about the real feelings of real people and how trauma impacts us. It helped me significantly through the hardest and most painful relationship and subsequent healing process of my life. Know that healing isn’t linear. It’s gonna be ugly some days and beautiful others. But remember the balance, that you can find beauty in little things when things look bleak. You CAN do it. You’re loved, I believe in you, I see you and I love you. I’ve been you. Remind yourself of things that make you happy when you feel hopeless. Try to feel how they make you feel. You will slowly retrain your brain to be positive leaning. You are wonderful, capable, and magical! Tell yourself, looking in your eyes in the mirror every day! Little glamor Magick spells. 🙂
Sometimes we don’t have much to live for. Those times we live for the ones who would morn us being gone. We take strength from our loved ones when we have no strength of our own. We think of the sadness our families and friends loved ones would feel if we left early. Sometimes we just have to keep fucking going until we find the meaning to make the numbness disappear. It would be easy to leave early but. It would decimate the ones left behind. Just because right now you want it all to end if you hang in there you will see that there is meaning to staying.i have kids and if my kids any one of them left early I would fall to pieces and never be whole again. Sometimes when we don’t have a reason we live for our loved ones because there is always a reason even when it’s hidden from us. Find help find someone to talk to anyone but stick around if not for you or your loved ones for me then.
Hey love, I was thinking about ending it at the exact same time you were actually going through with it. My birthday. I don’t want to be here either. I just want to give you a big hug and say that all that said, I’m glad you’re still here, and I really really really hope that this ends up being a good thing for you.
Next steps: tell your parents, friends, family, whoever, what you’re thinking and feeling. If you’re going to be here for a while it doesn’t matter, and if you’re not, it doesn’t matter. Let go of trying to act the way you think you “should,” let go of hiding anything, just try to be completely open and let things play out as they may. This might be terrible or vague advice but it’s what I have right now. I’m sending you hugs. I know you don’t want to be here but I’m glad you are and that’s weird but it is what it is. <3