Almost a month ago my older sister hung herself. I got home alone from shopping and found a note addressed to me on the kitchen counter telling me where she was and that she loved me so much. To my knowledge, I am the only person she left a note to.
My parents are divorced and my dad was on vacation with his girlfriend and my mom was 30 minutes away at her apartment so I was home alone.
I ran out to where she said she was crying and screaming her name in a panic. There are basically 3 rooms to the “shed” she was in and I checked the two closest and then the last and found her. It get’s a little fuzzy after that. I think I let out a blood curdling scream and was screaming her name and then called my mom and was yelling that she had killed herself. My mom almost didn’t believe me and was yelling in shock that she was on her way. I called 911 after she hung up.
About 6 minutes later an ambulance, fire truck, and maybe 4 police cars showed up. EMS got her down and got her on a stretcher and started compressions. They rushed her into the ambulance and to the closest hospital while I waited for my mom to arrive so we could go to the hospital. Close to 10 police officers stayed with me while I waited. My mom arrived and the police drove us to the hospital.
We eventually got taken back to a room where they said they had been able to restart her heart but it would eventually stop and they had repeated the cycle 2 or 3 times. They said she wasn’t reacting to any stimulation and probably had significant brain damage, even if they were able to bring her pulse back for good, which was doubtful. We went in a few minutes later and they were still doing compressions. They did them for about 10 more minutes while we were in there and then it had been the one hour mark with no real success. They slowly cleared all the equipment and people in the room, leaving us to say our goodbyes. I had to call my dad and tell him over the phone that his oldest daughter was dead.
We saw no signs. She had been planning to go back to college that night, since her spring break was over. She had worked out the night before, got us chinese food, and did her laundry to pack her bag that day. My sister was only 21. I turned 18 a few months ago. She was my only sibling. I don’t know how to be on this earth when she’s not. The only thing keeping me here is my parents. I don’t think they wouldn’t survive the death of their other child.
Comments
I’m so sorry to read this.
I’m so sorry
I’m so sorry this happened.
I am so, so sorry for your loss of your sister. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. OP, please take care of yourself and if you haven’t already, seek help.
Hugs and prayers from an internet stranger. I am sorry.
I’m so sorry to hear this. I can’t imagine how you are feeling. My best friends sister did this on Monday morning, her funeral is tomorrow. I’m devastated for my friend as she has never grieved before and she doesn’t realize just how hard the day after the funeral is going to be. She also had just turned 21, was due to graduate college next week, absolutely no signs what so ever she was considering this, and no note left. Two beautiful lives wasted. I am so sorry
I am so sorry OP. I have some advice I hope you will take. Please play Tetris. It helps prevent PTSD, and lessen the chance of you developing longterm affects from this. Theres a lot of research studies on this. Witnessing a family members death in this manner is extremely traumatic, do not be scared to reach out for help. But please, play tetris in the meantime until you decide whether you want to reach out to a therapist or not. I hope you and your family heal, and I wish you the best.
Fuck.
What was your favorite memory of her? What did she like?
I’m so fucking sorry.
I’m so sorry for your loss… I have lost people to suicide, it really hurts…
Please have your parents help you find a grief counselor. It’s not going to make you magically feel better… but they can help you learn ways to cope with the pain and survive this. If you can encourage your parents to do the same, or go as a family… you’re all going to need support.
I (63f) am hugging you so hard right now. Peace and love to you, internet stranger. ☮️♥️🫂
This is why I stayed. because of my sisters.
Sending hugs and love. I lost my little sister the same way 5 years ago.
((HUGS)) So sorry for your loss.
Please seek grief therapy!
I am so sorry.
My heart absolutely breaks for you, I am so sorry you lost your sister and I’m incredibly sorry you had to find her that way.
Im so sorry for your loss, May you and your family be well. I’ll pray for you and your family! Sending you virtual hugs
I am so incredibly sorry.
I’m so very sorry and I share your pain.
My youngest brother killed himself a year and half ago. There were no signs, he was a pillar in his town, great job, horrible wife, two amazing adult children from another marriage and we were a strong loving close family.
I have gone through your emotions about not wanting to live in the months afterward but couldn’t put my family through another suicide.
Go to therapy, play the songs she loved. Every time Peter Gabriel, In Your Eyes, comes on the radio…I feel my brother with me
Driving to my sister’s house last Sunday, Alive, lightening crashes , came on the radio and I totally felt my brother’s spirit wrapped around me. I wept but it was happy because he was there with me . Can’t explain it….got to my sisters house ( they were best friends) and she had a dream of him that Saturday night where he was talking with her but she knew he was passed away but he was there, she wept but he assured her he was finally happy, his second wife was beyond abusive we found out later.
I’m truly not making sense here, and I’m crying but please just live life each day, heck every each hour, dm me if you want to but please don’t put your family through another suicide.
Omg iam so sorry for your lose
I’m so sorry to hear about your sister. My heart goes out to you. Losing a sibling is such a profound loss, and the circumstances of suicide add another layer of pain. I lost my brother when I was young, and my very kind hearted cousin also died by suicide. Please know you’re not alone in navigating this kind of grief.
I want to emphasize that none of this is your fault. Mental health struggles can be invisible, and sometimes people feel things we can’t comprehend. Please just know that others have walked a similar path, and I’m sending you strength.
I’m so sorry for your loss…
One thing that’s helped me is reading people’s near death experiences; I’ve probably read 100, and they all have eerily identical features to them – as if they all visited the exact same place (bc, well, they did). I take a lot of comfort in knowing that the people I’ve lost are somewhere beautiful, where one of the most commonly described aspects by NDEers is a sense of overwhelming and intense love and peace… I promise you, she’s not suffering where she is now – and if all of those NDEs are to be believed (and I think that they are; why else would the vast majority of them all be having the same experiences/describing the same things?), then you can rest assured that you’ll see her again.
https://www.nderf.org/Archives/NDERF_NDEs.html
I’m sorry OP. I can’t imagine what this is like. I’ve seen first hand how a suicide can affect an entire family, especially siblings. There’s something so sad about things being so sudden with no signs, it’s such a shock to the system. It truly is something that can destroy a family.
My greatest advice to you, if you even care for it, is to be kind to yourself in this moment of your life.
To hold onto your parents as tight as you can, and offer one another a place of solace and love. Do not be afraid to look for help, if needed, because as I mentioned previously I know first hand from experience how this can affect a family.
It isn’t my story to tell, but this kind of event can lead to so much more pain if the sorrow isn’t addressed properly.
Don’t be afraid of reaching out for help. ❤️
It is NOT your fault. She gave you no hints, no chance to stop her.
Reach out to friends. Remember to take care of you. Grief can feel like a giant weight, and it’s very common to feel completely exhausted. Please get therapy when you’re able to.
I am so terribly sorry. This is heart-breaking. Some things are terrible mysteries. Impossible to know. Can you go forward, cherishing the love you have for each other and hold that as an affirmation of life?
I’m so sorry. Please tell us about her.
Very sorry for your loss.
I can’t even imagine the pain you are feeling. I am so very sorry.
I’m just so sorry. I can’t even find the words to say how sorry I am. If it ever feels right, a support group may be helpful, but there are a lot of options for support (when you are ready). Until then, I hope you have a good group of people showering you with love. Just remember, there is no time limit on grief or right way to grieve. Sending you all the love possible.
Just sending you a big tight hug.
Remember who she was not the person you found.
Please do grief counseling.
I’m so sorry for you loss. Accept an Internet hug from a stranger.
My deepest condolences. Last year I lost my son when he was a teenager and it was, and still is, absolutely devastating. I’m sure it will be for a very long time. I am the one who found him and started CPR. It is incredibly hard just to get out of bed some days. The thought that always stops me from joining him is that I still have others on this earth who care for me and I for them. To leave now would be a disservice to them, and to what my future may hold and the lives I might positively impact by my presence… Just like my son had on my life when he was alive. I know without a doubt that he would not want me to join him, not like that and I’m absolutely positive your sister would not want that for you either, she would want what’s best for you. The pain you feel now is the same pain your loved ones, your friends and family, would feel without your presence and will only increase the pain those left behind will feel. I cannot fathom adding more to what already exists. Our loved ones may pass on but the love they had for us… and the love we have for them do not fade. Keep living, for them. Grief is the proof that love exists in the bonds we share with our loved ones. Put all your effort into holding on to the happy memories. To remember their life so loud that it becomes louder than your grief.
Therapy helps, it really does. Do not force it but when you are ready, seriously consider it for your own piece of mind, for whatever guilt you may carry; especially the ill-placed guilt you may feel. Do it for them. Do it for your future. Make them proud of who you become. You are not alone and you can summon the courage and strength it takes to get through this. Know that there are people out there who are sending you hugs and positivity and are genuinely rooting for you to pull through.
Please seek out trauma therapy, especially for finding your sister yourself. (EMDR)
I am so, so sorry for your loss. May the memory of her life with you be a blessing to you.
I’m so sorry. Wishing you comfort and peace.
I am incredibly sorry for your loss. I have lost friends to suicide. I have watched parents and siblings mourn those who have died by their own hand. It isn’t something you ever get over. You learn to live with it. The grief changes over time. Words can’t express how sorry I am for your loss.
I’m so sorry Love.
I’m so sorry for your and your parents loss. This is not anyone’s fault. Depressed people can get very good at hiding their hidden pain and when they leave us, then we see the truth. Depression is cruel and takes the best from us. You are not alone and look for professional help to cope with it. You’ll want to be strong for your parents but don’t hid your emotions, let it out. I have 50+ years of experience with family/work suicides and I still don’t have an answer except to acknowledge their desperation and pray they found peace.