I was a prostitute and I’m so depressed I feel like an alien, non human. I feel trapped in a prison cell looking on the outside of everyone living their best life who have not committed such a heinous crime.
I feel hated, I feel like an evil monster who everyone run away from. Life feels so unreal my life and nights are cold It seems like I have murdered someone. I murdered myself that’s what the feeling is from.
I can’t sleep from what I did. My life will forever be changed. This feeling will always be here I don’t feel like I belong here. I feel so lonely, lifeless.
I did it to survive and at first I felt nothing about the lifestyle I chose to do now I feel it so hard but in the moment it was like my life was so fast I didn’t have time to even think it’s been a few weeks since I decided to quit.
I finally got a real job which I never thought I could do it & it feels good. To everyone else it’s nothing but to me it’s an accomplishment.
Quitting the lifestyle gave me enough time where all I can do is reflect and think about my choices in life. I made some poor choices. Before my decision I made when I was 22 to become a prostitute my problem was poverty, depression, lack of food, feeling unloved and worthless I had things going for myself I was in college with the goal to become a nurse I threw it all away for temporary relief.
All of those bad feelings haven’t gone away now I feel all of it x10. It didn’t make my life better it was temporary relief until I said fuck it I’m done with this lifestyle.
I thought after I quit that it will be gone no I’ve lost myself completely. Life doesn’t seem real I’m so disconnected. Still never going back though guess it’s my life now
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No I’m not looking for sympathy I’m saying this cause I know it’s coming this is just how I feel
Maybe you should try to compartmentalize the past as a previous you and go forward as a different you. Kinda mentally divorce your present and future you form the past you. Shame is a dangerous feeling.
Guilt is like a bag of rocks, all you have to do is drop it. Stop living inside your own head and move on. No one is privy to information such as this unless you tell them. Means of survival are highly subjective, and no one can criticize your personal situation. Just let it fall away…
You’re 23, still young, my youngest is a your age. Going through a life-style change takes time, especially when you’re used to the fast $ it’s a transition. Congrats on your job, that’s great you deserve to be proud. Keep going, 1 step at a time and be kind to yourself. Maybe gym membership, physical activity helps. Self-love too. Counseling and seeing Drs to make sure your health is top notch. Time is on your side. I’m proud of you stranger on Reddit! For being independent and strong. Mom hugs to you 💚
So I was an escort for many years and now a pro dominatrix. Firstly, I am so sorry that you feel this way. Please look for sex worker friendly mental health providers.
There’s a lot to unpack here, for you. Firstly is addressing past traumas from before SW and why you got into it. Then you can move onto healing from the shame and guilt carried from it.
I myself need to do some of that just to unpack the SA that happened to me while being an escort (yes it can happen).
Please do not think of yourself as being on the same level as a murderer. There are many countries where SW is legal. It is easy to get caught up in sexual repression, religious beliefs and social stigma in some areas.
Sending you LOTS of love. You have a whole life to live dear, it was but a chapter in the book of your life. Write the rest better and better ❤️
You are a survivor, that’s something massive and amazing.
I used to be a sex worker too and I found that nobody else was judging me as much as I thought they were. I wasn’t sexually assaulted so the only thing I really regret from that time is not saving all the money I made.
Is there a specific experience that is making you believe you’re beyond reproach? From what it sounds like, you need therapy to help with the negative thoughts about sex work and the regret you feel from “wasting” your time.
But to me, you sound like any other human worthy of love and happiness.
Also, my partner of 7 years knew I was a sex worker and not only did he not judge me, but he was extra sensitive about things that could affect my mental health (like providing proper after care post sex so it didn’t feel like a transaction). So there are kind people out there who will treat you well.
Edit: I just want to validate that there absolutely are people who will judge (which is why the societal opinion about sex work is overall negative), but my comment is to emphasize that no one but you can decide your worth. So if you own it and foster good relationships with good people and try to put a little positivity out into the world, sex work should have zero bearing on how you live your life.
You’re not evil , you’re just a person like everyone else . You have to forgive yourself which will take time, just let the time happen
Reinvent yourself. Think of it as an opportunity. Past is past, it can only get better.
I was kidnapped and trafficked when I was 16, doing sex work changed the way i view the world and now i don’t look at people the same anymore. I hope you know how strong you are, you’ve made it through before and you’ll make it through again (i tell myself on hard days 💜)
You were just a young woman doing her best to survive with what you knew at the time and with what you had access to at the time. In survival mode, we don’t always make the best of decisions and our choices aren’t always a reflection of who we are inside but rather a reflection of our circumstances.
Prostitution is obviously a controversial career path and always will be. There will be people who despise it, people who are indifferent towards it and people who actively support the existence of sex work. Moving forward in your life, it’s not necessary to disclose to anyone about your past unless it’s a therapist or a significant other that you feel comfortable sharing with. Not out of shame but because it’s not worth the risks attached. You don’t need the drama, the judgement, the stereotyping etc when you’re already internally going through enough. You have moved on from that era of your life, you regret it, you have learned from it, you are aspiring towards greater things. You don’t need to punish yourself further by sharing your past with others and allowing yourself to be exposed to hate, which will only further erode your mental health, as they wouldn’t understand what it’s like to be in survival mode and forced into things.
There are so many women around the world (and men too) who are forced into things like these. It’s not the same as someone who actively chooses to do it. They’re worlds apart.
Please know that your feelings surrounding your experience as a prostitute are valid and it does not mean you are forever broken. Prostitution is well known for its difficulties, I can think of at least fifty different reasons off the top of my head why I personally think it’s a dangerous and inadvisable avenue to go down. I think it’s inspirational that you’ve come out the other side and have accomplished so much since then.
You feel disconnected because your mind is disassociating from reality due to your level of trauma. You likely have PTSD compounded by other factors in your life. You really should see a trauma therapist. Spend these days focusing on yourself and be proud of yourself for your accomplishments. I’m cheering you on from afar!!
They say people don’t change, but this is totally incorrect. The fundamental nature of reality is change, including people. How you change starting tomorrow is the only thing that matters. I had my own baggage to deal with, different from yours but the emotional weight was similar. You define who you are every morning. Past you is gone. Never existed.
It’s not like this is well documented and unknown…jesus..
You can’t be so hard on yourself. Life is fucked. We may think we get a choice, but it’s not that simple. People end up in the most fucked up situations without any bad intentions, and it doesn’t make them bad people or aliens.
Trust me. There are all kinds of way to destroy yourself in this world, and a lot of people have had it happen to them in different ways.
Shit is real, but sometimes you just gotta forgive yourself. It’s wolves out there and we have to survive. Every day you do that is a fucking miracle.
All of the people telling you it’s no big deal are most likely garden tools themselves. It is a big deal. It’s like a massively big deal if you ever wanted to have a normal decent life. No good and moral man will want you with such a past. You gave away the most intimate thing you have as a woman to literal strangers. This is the definition of immoral. Could you imagine having children and a family with a man who had such a past?
I’m not a SWer but my friend was and she doesn’t talk about it much but when she does she expresses the same feelings. You aren’t alone. I’m so sorry hun you will get back to yourself eventually; please talk to a therapist if you can <3
We all have skeletons. At least this is a skeleton that is easy to hide from other people. Good job on moving
No one can be as cruel to us as we can be to ourselves. I really hope you’re able to learn to be kind to yourself. I know some of us were hurt so early in our lives that our brains are wired to torture ourselves. And it’s hard to stop the habit. Your history night haunt you. But It can also make you compassionate and a lot less needlessly judgemental towards others. That’s a really beautiful thing.
One of the best things I’ve found that helps me when I’m really struggling is helping others. Theres something really healing and empowering about bringung happiness or relief or just some attention to others. Depression is lonely and it’s a selfish beast. Thinking about other people and providing solutions is so so rewarding and wears down the sharp edges
Try to not continue doing to yourself what others have done to you in the past by telling yourself you deserve to be treated badly. Try really hard to give yourself a break.
You’re certainly not alone in what you’ve done. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, you learned it wasn’t for you and moved on, it is what it is. In the grand scheme of things, this is nothing.
I recommend therapy, I cannot analyse you but I really think that what you’re really scared / depressed / numb is of the society standars of living and what people (specially men) might think or say, not actually the job. Remember that prostituti0n is a job like anyone else
Please see a therapist. They can help you so much
Nursing is still a possibility for you! I went back to school at 26! 🫂
Heard of 4 noble truths?
there will come a day where this doesn’t haunt you like it does now, i believe in you and i wish you so much love and happiness. you have a bright future ahead, take each day one at a time if you have to 💕
Corporate prostitute is the bomb.
Life goes on. You’ll be fine.
You have to forgive yourself and let go. Just because you give yourself permission to forgive doesn’t meant you’ll forget. You’ll have sleepless nights and be stuck in hard moments.
As you move forward as your new self and the person you want to be, takes notes of what your accomplished, the little things that make you happy, what you’re looking forward to etc.
That way when you do have a rough night or moments where your mind drifts into your past, you can pull the notes out of your wallet or your notepad from a night stand and look at how far you’ve come and what you’ve appreciated in your new life.
One step at a time. You’ll get there, it won’t always be this hard.
A lot of what your saying resonates with what it was like coming off opiates/benzos. Your only 3 weeks in. Recovery takes a lot longer than that. For me it was probably a year and a lot of hard work on mental/physical health. I know your situation isn’t exactly the same but I’m sure you can come out of this and my bet is you will. Best of luck.