I caused my dad to beat my mom

r/

Throwaway.

This happened when I was 14 years old, and I’m still very ashamed. I really didn’t mean to hurt anyone.

When I was younger (13-14) I would sometimes act out in ways that ended up with someone getting hurt physically. One day, my family sat at the dinner table to eat. We usually don’t eat together, but that day we did. My dad wanted to see if I looked like him or my mom, so he kept touching my face and pointing at my brows, nose, etc. I just wanted to eat, so I lashed out and told him to leave me alone. Immediately, he got so angry. He grabbed my jaw so I could only look at him and told me never to talk back to him again. The rest of the dinner was very tense because of what I did.

My dad was upset, so he went to his room and just laid down on his bed. My mom, siblings and I just sat in the living room. My mom said I was trying to do was ruin her marriage. Being self righteous and selfish, I asked for an apology. My mom was mad. That’s when my dad barged in the room. He was screaming so loud, asking why I talked like that to my mom. I said I deserved an apology, which hurried my younger siblings. They told me to stop. (My sister would later tell to that I was an idiot.)

He grabbed a kitchen tool. I knew what he was going to do. I kept saying I’m sorry, please don’t but he beat me. Then he beat my mom for letting me talk back. Along with that, he broke a bunch of vases on the mantle while my siblings were scared and crying.

My dad left after saying “I can’t take it anymore!”. It was just us in the living room with shattered decorations on the floor. My mom kept muttering under her breath that I was a disgrace, that all I do is humiliate her. Eventually, we heard a knock on the door. We thought it was the neighbors, coming to check up on us. My sister checked, and it was the cops.

My whole family gathered around the door. We all fake smiled as two police officers talked to us. One of them was friendly and asked what grade I was in, what middle school I went to, and the high school I was going to attend in a few months. The other asked my dad for a bunch of information. I was worried they were going to see the broken vases and arrest my dad, but they never did. The cops just left.

My mom told me to apologize to my dad, but when I did, he started crying and punching his pillow, saying he doesn’t want to beat us. I went back to the living room and she told me to go and apologize again. I didn’t want to because of his reaction the first time. My mom was outraged and expressed that she wanted to grab my hair and bang it against the wall.

Later, we gathered in the bedroom. My dad asked if I was ashamed for bringing the cops to our home. My mom was so upset and told me that all she said was that I should’ve communicated better, and that I shouldn’t have asked for an apology. (This was a lie, she accused me of trying to sabotage her marriage, but I knew to keep my mouth shut). He told me that the police were going to come to my middle school to question us about what happened, that’s why they were asking those questions. We rehearsed a lie to give to the police. They never came.

Today, I’m 17, and I still hate what I did. I didn’t mean for my mom to get hurt. I didn’t mean to scare my siblings. I was so selfish. My whole family told me it was my fault. I don’t know how I can forgive myself. I didn’t mean to. I really didn’t.

Comments

  1. BoredBiotch Avatar

    This is not your fault. You are a child. Your father is a grown man responsible for his own actions. He and he alone is responsible. You are not responsible. I hope one day you believe that.

  2. Loose_Warning4572 Avatar

    Oh darlin. This isn’t your fault. Your daddy is trash human being and your mom sounds like a victim. You had a typical teenage attitude, but you didn’t do anything to cause either of your parents to lash out.
    Please leave as soon as you’re old enough and able, and see a therapist for your own mental health 🩵

  3. Lady_of_the_Seraphim Avatar

    You bear no responsibility for this. You didn’t beat your mom, you didn’t scare your siblings. Your dad did. The only one responsible for his behavior is him.

    Also, if yo can plant a camera somewhere in the house and get a recording, you might be able to get it to social services and get your dad removed from the house so he can’t hurt anyone ever again.

  4. Ramonaclementine Avatar

    Kids don’t regulate the emotions and actions of adults. Your parents are abusive. Your dad was touching your face because he wanted to show you that he can do whatever he wants to your body, but he can’t. Your dad beat your mom to control the house, because other people being “punished” for your “mistakes” is worse for you mentally. Your mom blamed you because it’s easier to punch down than up. It’s very common for abusive households to “practice” what to say to the police, but it’s not to protect the family, it’s to protect themselves.

  5. DifferentLake3470 Avatar

    I hope this is rage bait! Please for the love of everything, go tell the police what is happening in your home. I hope you leave when you turn 18 and never look back.

  6. mdaisy1245 Avatar

    My heart breaks for you. You are NOT responsible for your father’s actions. Please understand and know that. Regardless of what you say, you can’t cause anyone to assault anyone else. You are in a dangerous and toxic household. I’m so sorry. You deserve better. Do you have any family members that you can speak to and move with. You’re nearly 18 please leave this place go far and never return. Apply to college across the county, apply for grants, FAFSA, and move as soon as possible. If your parents won’t allow you, talk to a school counselor about getting a parental assistance waiver. I can’t remember exactly what it’s called but it’s for people under 24 that in no way can possibly use their parents information to apply for FAFSA. Please also consider therapy, don’t let their issues define your life. 💗

  7. llamafull98 Avatar

    You were a child when this happened and you’re still one now. You unfortunately have grown up in an abusive household where you think rage is uncontrollable and that it’s other people’s fault if someone is unable to control themselves because they pushed them to that limit, that by you being better doing things in a better way or saying things in a better way or simply not speaking is going to magically make it all go away.

    Your dad needs help your mom does too, you shouldn’t have had to grow up seeing this. Your dad’s aggression is not on you. I hope you seek therapy and are able to break this cycle, people have a tendency to become their parents 🙁

    Best of luck

  8. Warlordnipple Avatar

    I am a 36 year old dad. If I ever met your dad I would beat the shit out of him. Every dad I know would do the same. No one above the age of 12 should be touched if they don’t want to, especially not for an adult to ogle their face like some fucking weirdo.

    None of that shit was your fault. You are a teenager and you are meant to be asserting yourself as an independent person. There is no switch at 18 where you are just an adult, it starts around 12-14 and you transition to adulthood by 22-23. Society just decided 18 you have matured enough to not have guardians anymore. Many parents don’t seem to realize that.

    Just get a job, work hard, go to school and get out of there.

  9. joesmolik Avatar

    This was not your fault. There is a very good chance. Your father has mental issues and you are not responsible. What happened both of your parents are very screwed up people. There is a good chance that your mother may have done something to make your father suspicious, but that still Does not excuse your father‘s behavior. He has anger issues. It is more easily. They’re blaming individual instead of dealing with their problems. And the rest of your family was looking at it way to excuse his behavior and you were it. If your parents had a normal healthy relationship marriage this wouldn’t happen and I’m going to bed that they’ve had problems for a very long time. In fact, I’m even willing to bet that he goes back for a very long time. And I suggest that you get therapy to deal with how screwed up your parents are and possibly your family unit because you do not want to carry this trauma or issues into your own relationship and you don’t want to be in a healthy, respectful, loving relationship with you better half. Oh no, you didn’t cause the situation and it’s not your fault.

  10. bionicfeetgrl Avatar

    No. I didn’t even need to read the whole thing to know that you didn’t cause your father to beat your mother.

    Your father’s inability to regulate his emotions, control his temper and keep his hands to himself is why he abused your mother. That’s it. He’s 100% responsible for his actions. Yes he could have been mad. He can have his feelings. But he’s responsible for his actions.

  11. raerae6672 Avatar

    Mission accomplished. Your parents and family effectively blamed you and guilted you to feeling responsible for being abused. You are not responsible for the actions of an abuser. Your Father abused you and your Mother and your entire family. I’m sorry your family didn’t protect you.

    You were a normal teenager who was trying to assert some agency over yourself. You were trying to assert anonymity over your body. Your Father, Mother and Family have effectively crushed your spirit.

    You are stronger than that. Your spark is still there. You have survived

  12. SnooWords4839 Avatar

    You didn’t make your dad beat your mom.

    Your dad is an abusive POS.

    Make your exit plan!

  13. FairyFartDaydreams Avatar

    Your father’s feelings and reactions are his to control. His and your mother’s behaviors are theirs to control. Your father is abusive and lacks self control. You were 100% right in your feelings. Don’t let their issues become your issues. Try to get therapy and get out of their house as soon as you can

  14. VeeBee05 Avatar

    Your dad should be ashamed that he can’t control himself and lashes out on his wife and kids.

    Your mum should be ashamed for blaiming you. She should recognise that you are also a victim.

    Please the moment you can get out of that house, leave and never look back. Your mum will never leave as she is not only too scared but also believes she is at fault.
    Your siblings will blame you for standing up for yourself as that is what they have been conditioned to see.

    You are very strong. Even with the fact you will be beaten you stood up for yourself.

    As a person who grew up in a violent household. This isn’t forever as you can leave and make a better life for yourself. Believe me it gets better and one day you will see how truly toxic your father is.

  15. Typical_Dawn21 Avatar

    he beat your mom because you talked back to her? nah. he beat her because she was weaker and he wanted to take his anger out on someone who wouldn’t fight back.ches a bad person. a really really bad person.

  16. DamnitGravity Avatar

    Bear in mind, a lot of the information in this is outdated, but the personality and abuse profiles are still accurate.

    Here is a link to a free, online copy of “Why Does He Do That” that might give you insight and allow you to be kinder to yourself. Chapter 4 lists the different types of ‘abuse personalities’.

    I could sit here like the others and tell you it’s not your fault, but I can’t make you believe it. While it may be difficult for you, as you may find it triggering, I think you would benefit from reading a little bit about how abusive people like your parents think. Because then you might understand better that it’s never about you, it’s about them and their failings.

    Your father is (obviously) physically abusive, but your mother is an enabler. She refuses to accept that she married the wrong man, so instead of accepting her failure, she instead says it’s your fault for ‘provoking’ him.

    Your siblings are likely just as confused. Kids always blame themselves when they’re abused, but as we get older and realise the world doesn’t revolve around us, we start to see that it’s not our fault but we’re so used to believing that, it makes it difficult to fight against. Your siblings are also immitating your mother’s behaviour of blaming the victim and refusing to admit your father is the problem. Likely out of fear, because they’re so scared, they fear that even if they admit it to themselves, he’ll somehow know and punish them.

    Just remember, even though someone tells you it’s your fault, that doesn’t necessarily mean it is. Look at the facts, and consider the people involved, before you blindly take the opinion of a misguided person as fact.

  17. 1quincytoo Avatar

    This is so rage bait

  18. untakentakenusername Avatar

    Idk how old you are now but you know this was wrong.

    your dad is the scum of the earth here and he’s abusive. Its not your fault, nor anyone else’s.

    You are not responsible for your parents marriage. Or anyone else’s unhappiness.

    You were doing the right thing, standing up for yourself. You were just too little.

    You should call the cops to arrest your father. What is he good for anyways?

  19. CanIGeta_HuuuuYeea12 Avatar

    You were a child. You weren’t responsible for your dad being an abuser and a psychopath. If he was so concerned about you being his, he could have just done a DNA test and gotten answers that way.

  20. isolatedheathen Avatar

    Dear child bon if this is your fault don’t let them gaslight you like that also you are justified in standing up for yourself I say get out of there as soon as possible

  21. No-Zookeepergame-610 Avatar

    Oh honey no. Your dad is abusive because of his own issues. That’s his responsibility to address them. There are endless amounts of ways you can handle situations without violence and he CHOSE none of them.

    Your mother and siblings telling you it’s your fault is a trauma response.

    If you’re still in school study hard! Get scholarships and leave this place far behind. Get yourself into therapy and work through what sounds like a very traumatic childhood.

    I’m so sorry you’re living like this. You don’t deserve it. No one does.

  22. minionofthenight Avatar

    None of this is your fault. You were & still are. Hold living in an abusive family. Both your parents are doing it, just in different ways. Read this over & over. Please find somewhere safe to be & consider reporting them if it’s safe to do so

  23. yo_yo_yiggety_yo Avatar

    My dear, it’s not your fault that your parents are abusive psychos.

    It is NOT your fault.

    You were a child then and you’re a child now. You are their child and they are your parents. Their number one duty in this world is to love and protect you, to nurture and guide you to become a good person.

    They are NOT meant to beat you. They are NOT meant to yell at you. They are NOT meant to abuse you.

    You think this is your fault because of a lifetime of abuse and mental/emotional manupilation. They are abusers, and abusers don’t just beat their victims, they also brainwash their victims.

    An abuser will say “this is your fault. if not for you then this wouldn’t happen” while beating their victim black and blue. It’s not your fault that they’re lunatics, and it’s not your fault the police arrived.

    Your neighbours heard a child being beaten and a man in the house screaming for the high heavens to hear, of course they called the police. They were worried for your safety.

    Your parents are lunatics. None of it was ever your fault. It’s not a child’s job to make sure their parents are mentally stable.

    Both your mom and your dad are abusive trash. You deserve better parents.

  24. mbpearls Avatar

    You didn’t cause it. Your dad being a piece of shit abuser did.

  25. misslissabean Avatar

    You are living in an abusive home. Your father hits you, your mom, and I am going to assume your siblings as well. Your mother verbally and emotionally abuses you. None of this is your fault. None of this is ok.

  26. curiositykills2001 Avatar

    Like many others here have said, OP you are NOT the problem and didn’t cause a grown man to lose control and do those things. You, your siblings and mother are being abused; your father is a sick man and likely your mother can’t see a way out which is why she puts up with it, thus subjecting you and your siblings to further abuse. You need to find the strength and make a plan to get out as soon as you are able and get some therapy as suggested. The only way to break the cycle is for you to take the steps you need to make sure you don’t repeat the things you have seen and heard your father do, or allow yourself to be bullied like your mother has. I grew up in a similar situation, my father was bipolar schizophrenic (diagnosed) and it was like walking on egg shells everyday, never knowing what we might say or do that would set off his anger. My brothers usually got the worst of it physically, my sister and I got our share but usually not as severe since we were girls…I left the week after graduating high school and never went back with zero regret. I made choices to not be that way and raised my daughter to never allow anyone to take advantage of her in any way, and am thriving. It won’t always be easy, but the hard times make you appreciate the good times more, and you will have peace of mind knowing you stopped that cycle of abuse continuing down future generations because of your pivotal decision and action. You are coming to a crossroads decision and don’t let his abuse become your excuse to harbor anger or stop you from doing what you need to do to protect yourself and to become the person you want to be. Praying for you and your family. 💙

  27. bitterpinch Avatar

    YOU did NOTHING to deserve what happened. Nobody did. There is no situation in the WORLD that makes it okay for anyone to get beat. You are not responsible for the actions of either of your parents, only your own.

  28. FrostyJannaStorm Avatar

    You could do all that you did and not gotten anything beaten had your father been a better man. Think about the best father (doesn’t have to be yours or someone you know) in the world. He is capable of letting it go. Therefore, it is not your fault.

  29. postfashiondesigner Avatar

    >My mom said I was trying to do was ruin her marriage. 

    Under no circumstance a parent should say it…

    >Then he beat my mom for letting me talk back. 

    Under no circumstance a parent should do it…

    It’s not your fault.

    You are still too young. You’ll heal yourself. This shit happened 3 years ago, everything is kinda fresh. You’ll learn

  30. Due-Lab-5283 Avatar

    In a spite of the most stress your parents could have had from raising kids, it does not matter the stress level, they are not allowed to beat and abuse.

    Your parents were abusers. You as a child should have talked to a counselor at school and tell them everything so you and your siblings would be checked on regularly to make sure they have not abused you again. I am sorry OP, but you were raised by two abusers. Your mother was as faulty as your father.

  31. MaintenanceNo8442 Avatar

    your dad was gonna beat all of you regardless of whatever you did

  32. mentalissuelol Avatar

    A somewhat similar thing happened to me around the same age. My dad was mad at me about something small that I did, and he lost his temper and started to hit me. He was pushing me up against the wall and screaming in my face and he kicked me a bunch and slapped me in the face so hard I couldn’t see for a second. and I tried to fight back, but he grabbed me around the chest so I couldn’t get away. So threw myself backward with all my weight and we both ended up on the floor.

    While all this was going on, my mom was screaming at him to stop because she was worried he was going to seriously injure me (which was fair, I’m a girl, he’s a grown man, and he was eight inches taller and at least 70 pounds heavier than me) And he started freaking out at her and screaming at her to shut up. He ended up shoving her backwards so he could get back to screaming at me. She wasn’t hurt or anything tho.

    But I didn’t feel bad because I knew he was being crazy, and it’s not like I told him to do that or anything.

    He finally got a letter from CPS saying he was being investigated when I was 17 and a half and like three months from moving out. My mom was so mad CPS got called that she didn’t talk to me for a whole week. But my dad had never laid a hand on me again.

    Anyway, all that to say, it’s not your fault. He shouldn’t have been beating anyone no matter what, it’s not your responsibility to feel guilty. He should be the one that feels guilty for beating his child and wife. You did nothing wrong. Even if you were upsetting them, that doesn’t give him any right to hit anyone. Don’t feel bad about it. It’s not your fault.