I’ve (24F) never talked about this publicly. It’s been two years and I still feel like I can’t breathe when I think about it. But tonight I just… can’t keep it inside anymore. I need to get this off my chest.
Two years ago, I was assaulted by someone I thought was a friend. I was 22, freshly out of college, trying to figure out life. We had drinks, not even that much honestly, and I trusted him. That night will replay in my head for the rest of my life.
He locked the door. He laughed when I said “no.” He told me I was “too pretty to be this difficult.” I froze. I remember the ceiling fan spinning and my own voice in my head screaming run, but my body just didn’t move.
Afterwards, he told me not to make it “a big deal.” Like I was overreacting. Like it wasn’t a big deal that he’d ripped me apart from the inside out.
I reported him. It took months for anyone to take it seriously. I lost friends. People said I was being dramatic, or that “he’d never do something like that.” He had this clean-cut, charming guy image. But monsters don’t always look like monsters.
It finally went to trial last year. I had to sit in a courtroom and hear his lawyer say I was “confused” and that I had “regretted it after.” Like I was some drunk girl who changed her mind after the fact. The things they said about me… I wanted to vanish. My character was on trial more than his actions.
But he was convicted. He’s serving 6 years. I should feel happy, right?
I don’t. I wake up almost every night. Sometimes I smell his cologne. I still can’t go anywhere alone after dark. I flinch when people touch me unexpectedly. I haven’t dated since. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
People think justice is the end. But it’s not. It’s just another beginning. A different kind of pain. And I’m so tired of pretending I’m okay.
I’m just tired.
Thanks for reading if you did. I just needed someone to hear me. Someone who won’t say I’m being dramatic or “still hung up” on it. I’m not hung up. I’m just broken. And trying to live through it.
Comments
I’m so sorry it happened to you.
The justice system sucks when it makes you relive it over again, but in public. And for putting victims’ character on trial. I’m glad he’s in prison. I hope you have people in your life to support you, and I hope you find peace
“Not all heroes wear capes” is an overused phrase. But, in this instance it fits perfectly. You are a hero to yourself, every other woman he has raped (this was not his first), and all the he would have raped in the next few years
Never again doubt your strength, you have already faced the worst life has to offer, and forced justice to be served
Him going to prison is where he belongs. Don’t let your mind become your prison- you don’t belong. Please use this to get help. You will need it long term. I suggest DBT and EMDR, I am not a therapist just someone who’s been through this.