Before you ask, I like myself. So much so that I spent a lot of time alone growing up in my own little world with hobbies and creating art and things. I always really wanted to connect with other girls but always struggled to make friends at a tiny school growing up and think I must missed some crucial social development. I’ve had some friends but never really felt “liked” or understood. My mom, for instance, has quirky tendencies and will say awkward random things, sometimes has antisocial tendencies and keeps to herself, and is not always aware of how she comes off (love her, but mouth meet foot). However she’s a gabber and people LOVE her. They invite her to things and invest time and resources into her hobbies and projects –it’s bananas. I’m also a gabber but find it hard to feel like other women like or understand me. My own mother struggles to “get me” too :/
I’ve experienced judgey/cliquey women before so that’s also a fear but I’ve also been told by a few girls that I come across a little awkward (funny enough I thought THEY were awkward too lol), smart, cold, and intense. I struggle with either seeming too boring and quiet or being too loud. I sometimes say random things (adhd) without much lead-in or explanation. Sometimes people find this entertaining though. Anyway, I feel really insecure because I see my quirky friends have other friends and women genuinely like them but I get weird looks and body language that lets me know people just don’t vibe with me. I’ve had friend dates from meetups or bumblebff where I thought it was going great and the other person ghosted or faded out. I also have social anxiety so the whole time I’m at brunch or coffee I struggle to know how to keep the flow of the conversation going or when to leave. And then I worry if I don’t act cool enough they’re going to realize I’m lame or something or come up with a reason not to be my friend and ghost like the others did.
I hate it because I love and admire other women so much and want most people to be my friend but I’m somehow sending the wrong energy/body language or missing cues. I was recently tested for neurodivergence and so far have been showing as “neurotypical.” I very much march to the beat of my own drum, am passionate and outspoken, but recently have been more willing to learn and imitate social cues so I can interact better with other women bc I value that connection moreso where my independence and “authenticity” used to matter more to me. I now know I can still be authentic while just communicating better and considering how my words and actions are perceived by or affect others.
Having a network of women you can be friendly or social with is just so important I feel. I’ve learned so much from other women in the past and really value those casual and closer relationships. However, lonely younger me on the inside still feels really awkward and insecure and unsure of how to act around other women and in groups. Strangely I don’t ever have this fear around guys and usually get along well enough with them which sucks because I really don’t care how they feel about me and honestly kind of over them atm. How did you get more comfortable around other women and stop being terrified about them judging or not liking you? How do you feel connected without being so insecure about it?
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Personally, I put myself in neurodivergent spaces. Nothing like an autistic woman for letting out my social side, and making me feel appreciated, understood, and welcome. My friends have always been the other women that aren’t particularly comfortable in groups.
I think if you’re finding you have to put a ton of effort into communicating better with the average woman, you might be working too hard to feel like you’re developing authentic relationships. Finding the women who will understand your words and actions the way you intend them, without all that extra effort and explanation, can be a huge relief and lead to really strong friendships.
Men also typically have a more direct, less nuanced communication styles. I also found them much easier to communicate with because there is a lot of complexity to mainstream female communication dynamics and if it doesn’t come naturally to you it can be tremendously difficult to navigate successfully, particularly long term.
So how do I feel connected without being insecure about it? I connect with the people who think and communicate like I do, so I don’t feel like I’ll lose my relationships if the mask slips.