I’ve been wanting to make a post her for a while I just don’t know what about or where to start. I’ve felt so alone for years and now that I’m planning my wedding it just really emphasizes it. I used to beg for my parents attention for them to come visit me but about a year ago I had a fight with my brother and started to reevaluate the relationship I have with my family.
I started to go to therapy and realized how emotionally neglected I was growing up so I stopped begging for them(my parents) to visit and I stop calling three times a day. Now we hardly have a relationship at all. An entire month can pass without me speaking to my family my father once said “the phone works both ways” but he never called me first and still doesn’t. If they decide to visit its for less than 24 hours and I try to understand they have busy lives but they’ll visit my siblings for a week or two at a time.
Half of me feels at peace without having them around, but the other half carries a deep sadness and feels so alone.
The reason why this is all coming up is because I’m getting married. I try to include my family in the planning but my mother keeps making passive aggressive comments when she’s around and bringing the mood down. And my sister… I feel like she has a hard time when she’s not the center of attention.
I just feel so lost and alone and don’t want to keep planning my wedding. I think it’s because I feel embarrassed over how helpful my fiancée’s family has been while mine is just empty space.
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Mourn the loss of the family you should have had but didn’t. Then dust yourself off and look forward. You have a wedding to plan!! This is exciting stuff! Do you have a good relationship with your future in-laws? If so, this is your family. I was the last born and not really wanted; I know what it is to fight for a morsel of love and never feel it. I made my own family, network and friendships with people who I care about and care about me. You cannot change other people, only yourself. Make your wedding a beautiful start of a wonderful life and don’t look back.
If planning the wedding is stressing you, listen to yourself. Are you planning a wedding for the woman who is surrounded by positive and loving family? That may be what is stressing you — the difference between hope and the fear that, once again, you will be disappointed. You are moving toward a man who loves you. Focus on planning a successful marriage and minimize the things that stress you. Small, exquisite ceremony. Individual vows. The company of friends and your husband’s family. It’s a good future. The best of hopes to you.
I have a similar relationship with my folks. Parents are divorced, mom remarried into dysfunctional marriage #3, dad is single and miserable. Neither of them took any real interest in raising me except when I was really little. Which is ironic considering my mom is a teacher. My dad is pretty neurodivergent, highly intelligent, bit of an asshole. Mom is manipulative and has some poor judgment when it comes to partners.
I was not the easiest child to raise, but I haven’t spoken to my mom since my sister’s graduation last year. I can’t stand the man my father is so I limit contact. Sometimes you just gotta look for a life to build for yourself
I hear ya. My only other sibling is the golden child, and I am the abused scapegoat.
For the love of all things holy, don’t involve your parents in ANY wedding planning, especially wedding dress shopping. They will only let you down, be inconsistent, and unpredictable.
If they are contributing financially, request the money up front. If not, pay for it yourself.
I would personally suggest eloping to anyone who has toxic family. If you can’t elope, make sure they aren’t involved with ANY duties. 💔
Get some therapy if you have access to it. Weddings can stir up trauma and bring out the worst in dysfunctional families. You deserve healing and a wonderful wedding day!
Congratulations! 🩷
Thank you everyone for your comments, you are right I am building a new family with my spouse. And my future in-laws are so lovely it’s just difficult to navigate those relationships considering…. I haven’t let them near the wedding planning and do not plan to. I hope the day will go well, I know my future husband and his family will be there to support me no matter how it goes. It feels good to hear things from people who have been in my shoes.
I hope your partner’s family is warm and loving at least? I had to cut most ties to my family for the same reasons but was very fortunate (and intentionally) had a great in-law situation. You deserve peace and to feel loved.
I feel your pain. I’m the oldest of 6 and used to be very close with my family growing up. Now, I don’t talk to my mom, step dad and half of my siblings because of various dramatic events and their toxicity in general. My fiancés family is so sweet and loving. I’ve honestly been considering an elopement/microwedding with just his family, my dad and a few friends.
My sister got married a few years back and the whole family was there. She also got a lot of financial support for her wedding, which I will not be receiving. It gets to me some days, but life really is better when you’re not surrounded by toxic and cruel people all of the time. I try to focus more on the wonderful family I am gaining, rather than the one I lost.
Embrace your new family on your husband’s side and thank them. Do the best you can on your side but don’t go out of your way to please them. Also, try not to let them bring you down, it’s your day. You husband’s family probably has empathy for you and are thrilled to step in. Congrats on your soon to be wedding! Relax and enjoy!