I (34m) have primary custody of my two children (11 and 13). Their mom and I were high school sweethearts who had kids too young and while I stepped up, she didn’t. With our first she made some attempts, kinda, but once she got pregnant for the second time she used pregnancy as an excuse to do nothing. She didn’t have a high risk pregnancy, wasn’t in pain and never expressed actual concerns for her or the baby’s health and safety. But she’d say pregnant women shouldn’t be standing for too long, shouldn’t be near heat (to cook), shouldn’t be bending over to tidy up, shouldn’t be driving or pushing heavy shopping carts around, shouldn’t be pushing dust around, etc. My ex’s parents watched our oldest while I worked back then and she’d text me while at work to bring her snacks or magazines, etc. And she expected me to tell work to fuck off and get her that stuff there and then.
I tried to stick it out and at the time I expressed concerns for maybe a pregnancy depression or some form of early PPD but scoffed at that and no medical provider saw concerns about it. When our second child was born she continued like she was still pregnant. Even 2 and 3 months post partum she said she shouldn’t be holding things, lifting things, driving, etc. I finally had enough and we broke up when our youngest was 4.5 months old after I did all I could to try and find an excuse. I just had to accept she was lazy and didn’t care enough to do anything. She wasn’t working either so I was doing it all and taking care of her.
I filed for custody of our kids and won very quickly because she showed up in court unprepared and only fought against it half heartedly without retaining a lawyer for the custody case. She couldn’t answer a single question about either of our children. Because she did request 50-50 they did a fitness check on her and she failed. She didn’t fail enough to get no parenting time. But she was deemed unfit for 50-50 custody and so she gets every other weekend.
And yes, that every other weekend is something the kids and I hate. But I have not been able to convince her to give up her weekends or convince a court to not force it. So she sees our kids that much and they basically take care of themselves over there. Which is documented and I have shown proof to the courts but it was not enough for removing her visitation rights. My kids need to be 16 before their voice holds any weight in the judge’s decision. Any younger and the judge will not listen to what the kids want.
Anyway, my ex has been remarried for I’m not sure how long. But within the last year. Her husband has two (or maybe three because there could be twins in there) very young children (younger than 4) and he expected my kids to be around more and to help. I’m sure he expected more from my ex as well. But the kids said from the time they met him, which is when he moved in, he’s been asking for them to babysit and bond and help with childcare stuff. They refused to help and they ignore him and ignore the very young children. But he even started asking for their help when they’re with me. When my kids showed me messages he had sent I called him from my phone and I told him to leave my kids alone.
He told me the kids have younger siblings and I stopped him and said neither my ex or myself had more kids so they don’t have younger siblings. They have each other. He told me he married their mom which makes his kids their siblings. He said older kids are meant to help with younger ones and he isn’t supposed to be doing all of this alone. This is when I told him that he was a selfish fool and pointed out he married my ex, a lazy part time parent who doesn’t even deserve the title of parent because of how little she does, and spectacularly selfish for thinking my children existed to help him raise his kids. I said you do not put that responsibility on kids. On anyone’s kids. But especially someone else’s because you do not have the right to have pre-conceived ideas of what someone else’s children owe you and yours.
He didn’t like that I insulted him and interfered in his marriage. I told him he interfered in MY children and as their dad and their sole parenting parent I have every right to put my foot down about what he expects out of my kids. Since then he has tried to call me multiple times and he texted me repeatedly. And I don’t block him because I would much rather he contact me than my kids.
But AITA for how I spoke to him?
Comments
A bit to unpack here…brb.
Should have just told your ex that you would be going to court to remove her visitation rights if your children continued to be treated in that manner. Berating the new husband makes you look like a jealous ex. I’m not saying that is what is going on, just stating what the optics could lead someone to think. You’re NTA for defending your children.
NTA. Your kids are not required to babysit his kids. He had no right to text them without going through you first. And I doubt he would even pay them for their help. Your ex is lazy, and it seems he is, too. I foresee a divorce in their near future.
NTA, you were a little bit harsh in your delivery, but not wrong.
YTA – for the way you responded to him. Whilst everything you say may be true, you set a terrible example for your children. Be careful as you could be accused of alienating the children against their mother. Instead, just tell him that your children will not be responsible for babysitting children that are younger than 4. Talk to your lawyer, about the risk of so,etching happening to those young children. Could be a CPS case, or visitation has to be at your home rather than their home.
NTA!!
God bless his poor heart
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NTA, I see is a parent standing upfor his children and protecting them. Also see an other parent not being present and neglecting her job to protect her children from this.
Um NTA.
It’s unfair and selfish of him to have expected anything from your kids, you’re absolutely right about that. It’s a crap situation, yes.
But look – you’re kids are going to be spending time with him and his kids (presumably) every weekend for the foreseeable future right?
Your kids have to be there, he and his kids will be there, that environment must already be pretty toxic. It’s not about helping him, it’s about working out the best way to handle this so your kids are as comfortable over there as possible.
For example, rather than abruptly shutting him down, could you have let him blow off some steam, worked out what he wanted, and then set some reasonable boundaries or compromises? Best case scenario, you help your kids learn some conflict resolution skills, they avoid some tension and arguments. Worst case, it doesn’t work and you’re back where you started.
Maybe I’ll get downvoted for this, but it’s just a crap situation. I wonder if letting go of being right and using diplomacy rather than anger will serve your kids better here.
Go dad!!! That’s fantastic! I got a big smile on my face because of what you said to him. Your kids are not required to lift a finger in that regard. He wants caretakers. Glad the kids did not play into that. They have a way to reach you? I would tell this guy every last thing she didn’t do. Glad you set him straight and keep documents and glad you have a good relationship and keep the lines open with your kids.
Oh my. NTA at all. Please keep all these records. I saw a comment that you were harsh, I disagree. This man is taking advantage of children, your children and you did exactly what a parent does by sticking up for them. They will remember this. I hope this will help you with custody because they are not safe over there.
NTA your ex is a lazy AH and she landed a guy equally lazy. That is not your kid’s job to fix. As for having younger siblings, that’s for your kids to choose – their mom didn’t birth more kids luckily. The really good thing is your ex & her latest bit of beefcake are doing perfectly all by themselves to alienate your kids. No assistance required.
What you told him wasn’t harsh. It was epic and more parents need to be the shield their kids deserve.
NTA.
NTA..
Based on what you tell us, I would call CPS and have them come by to check on your kids when they are at your ex
NTA. I think your ex found a perfect match in her new husband. I suspect he thought that when they married, he’d be able to dump his parental responsibilities on her and/or your kids. I am awfully curious, though. Did he know about the custody situation before they got married?
If he did, he’s insane and stupid. Why would a woman who doesn’t parent her own kids and only sees them every other weekend step up to help raise his kids? And how on earth would he think that your kids would bond with him and his kids in that time? He’s acting like marrying their mum instantly created a magical bond.
And if he didn’t know, the question is how? Did they not live together or know each other for long before getting married? It’s so bloody weird.
Either way, your kids are not bonus parents and free babysitters for your ex’s stepkids. The fact that lunatic new husband thinks you’d actually give up your parenting time so you could pack your kids off and send them to do the child-rearing he and your ex clearly don’t want to is just mind-blowing. You might have been blunt but no matter what the situation, he’s an overstepping idiot.
nta. make sure you take all his texts to your kids to your lawyer. seems like trying to force another set of kids into parenting the newest group of kids is a thing that judges wouldn’t like? maybe using new hubs demand for your kids time is a way to help get the custody changed?
would a judge care if a new step parent was trying to force your kids into labor? ‘specially on your time with them?
Keep the messages for the court.
If you still have an attorney I’d suggest sharing those messages with them. It doesn’t sound like they are being mistreated but if they ever are it would be good to have the lawyer and possibly court up to speed.
Nta…and as you know. Document it all for the judge and custody hearings.
NTA you said nothing wrong. Her husband is out of line so he didn’t think it was a issue that she doesn’t have custody of her own children? But for him to be texting your children while in your care to babysit is a problem. So he thought he was going to bring his kids to your house
I suggest telling (and showing) the courts the conversations. He’s unhinged and needs to be checked.
Nope. New guy can go fuck himself. Good Luck, Pops.
NTA you would think the courts would take this more serious when considering your ex’s visitation rights. It was one thing when she was just leaving them to fend for themselves on her weekend but now she has a husband who is putting pressure on them to help take responsibility for childcare for kids under 4, even when it’s not her weekend, they should step in and put a stop to it. They either need to put a stop to him harassing you and the kids or stop making your kids go there to have to face it, it’s not fair on them.
just want to say, thanks for being a great dad to your kids.
my dad was very 1950s dad, (I’m 53f)
my mother wasn’t a good mother. but that taught me alot when I become a mom.
but my dad stepped up and did his best, which wasn’t easy for him, but he did for the 4 of us.
and you are doing brilliantly too.
I know these days it much more popular (?) for dads to be more hands on. just want to say a big kudos. your kids will appreciate it when their older.
now and many years nc with mother, same with siblings.
but dad has a huge part in our life.
tip: never speak bad of mom. my dad wouldn’t let us. but on the occasions we seen our birth giver, she found buses for him to be thrown under. but it never stuck and we told her to quit it
nta
NTA. Oh man, I would have laughed so hard in his face. The audacity, entitlement, and idiocy in one person.
NTA
You are a parent protecting your children and that’s how the sweets to me
Now it’s a little bit odd I guess it depends on what area you’re at .. I know someone that had primary custody of their children from the age of 9 & 12 because their mother was like you said…
The 12-year-old spoke up and was able to make the decision also for the 9 year old.. and this was before cell phones..
Now with cell phones your kids could be recording stuff over there depending on if you’re state is a one party consent or not
And you would think if her partner is now harassing your kids and harassing you that lawyer would be able to get you full custody
NTA – can you take these messages from him to the court to add to why the kids shouldn’t be over there?
NTA. Don’t answer him back or delete/block him. SAVE THE MESSAGES! Go to court and show them what’s happening and why you need more custody or at least supervised. Good luck.