I (29f) lost my mom when I was very young (4) and my dad met the mother of my half sister when I was 8. They had my half sister together and married when I was 10. When I was 13 my dad died. I chose to live with my grandparents and had regular contact with my half sister but I did not keep in touch with her mom. My half sister had her own phone since she was young so I didn’t see a need to have contact with her and I was never fond of her mom to begin with.
I always found her annoying and frustrating to be around. I used to stress being around her because when she’d offer to help dad out with me she would make me late for everything, even school. It was never something she took seriously though and dad had to stop her helping out. But it bothered her. More that I was so glad she wasn’t doing it too. She’d complain about my friends parents not treating her like my legit parent. I was stuck in a car with her for 40 minutes while she complained about some of them. She said I could start calling her my stepmom instead of dad’s girlfriend, which she was btw, so they’d take her more seriously.
Her mom was upset by the fact I didn’t like her or want to stay in touch with her. She tried to keep me with her and my half sister after dad died, but plans were already in place to instruct where I’d go and who would have custody if dad were to die.
It upset my half sister as she got older that I didn’t remember much about my mom and yet I wouldn’t let her mom be my mom even once I became an orphan. Eventually we came to an agreement that we didn’t have to be on the same side of the debate but we just wouldn’t talk about it.
Now my wedding has presented a chance for my half sister to push the narrative that her mom somehow has this important role in my life and that she should walk me down the aisle since she’s the only parent I have left (in my half sister’s mind). I shut that down hard. My half sister pushed the issue more. She told me I have no valid reason for saying no. I explained that I don’t need one. That it’s my wedding and her mom isn’t even invited. My half sister said she should be and she bitched that I put her boyfriends name on the invite instead of just a regular plus one because she would have brought her mom and her mom would’ve been there and I would have needed to give her the role. I explained even if she’d done that her mom would have been an unwanted guest and not a parent of the bride and would have had zero role.
She has refused to lay off so I warned her that if she continues I won’t invite her to the wedding. My half sister told me I couldn’t leave her off the guest list and I told her I could and would. I reminded her this is my wedding and not hers and she doesn’t automatically get an invite. She’s saying I’m a coldhearted bitch and my threat is unfair when she’s doing the right thing. I told her we disagree on that. She said this whole issue is my fault and not hers.
AITA?
Comments
I think you know in your heart you’re not the asshole here. Sorry for your losses OP
NTA. Seriously, just rescind her invitation. Tell her that her issues and drama are not welcome at YOUR wedding.
She’s a GIANT asshole. You owe both of them NOTHING!
It’s understandable you’d want to keep things as you feel comfortable, especially given your history with her mom. She’s not respecting your wishes, and you’re allowed to stand your ground.
This reads as so fake, new account, weird scenario. So I’m calling troll
NTA. At this point, just uninvite her. She may well show up with her mother despite everything you’ve told her.
Get your trusted friends to be on the look-out.
Nta. I would just uninvite her at this point. She’ll sneak her mom in and cause drama at your wedding.
NTA, as a bride, you got your own rules, (even if your history with her mom’s kinda annoying, it’s valid). This ‘no drama’ thing, it’s for ya and your guests. Your sis is insistent due to… well I don’t know that, but tell her she’s important, it-a just, well, this decision, final. You-r gonna be a rockstar at this wedding.
NTA at all. Don’t invite that delusional child.
NTA. Weird hill for her to die on. Your wedding, your guests. She doesn’t get to decide.
NTA – weddings are not build-a-family workshops. Pushy guests don’t get promoted to aisle duty, they get uninvited.
Ahhh…..with all of this Drama already building…
WHAT in all of tea in China is she still invited????
You do realize she is DEFINITELY going to pull some type of drama stunt at your wedding.
The moment she called you names was the moment she should have been instantly uninvited and blocked. Just because you knew each other when you’re growing up doesn’t mean that you have to put up with her lack of respect for you and her scheme of ensuring her mom would be at your wedding. You ought to start thinking at this point that they’re a package deal. Also, plan ahead in the circumstance that your half-sister has already spilled the wedding location details with her mom so she can crash the wedding.
Why are you continuing to engage with her on this topic? Send her a final message that under no circumstances is your former step mother coming to the wedding (possibly allude to security and arrangements already in place to walk uninvited guest from the venue). TELL her that if she brings it up again you will rescind her invitation, block her, and she will be on the “walk of shame” list as well.
NTA. Your sister needs therapy or something to understand her Mom is not your Mom and just because your Mom died when you were young doesn’t mean your in the market for one. Hopefully your MIL is cool. It’s possible your may find a mother like figure in her but that depends on if you actually like her and she isn’t a MIL you read about on reddit.
NTA, I’m always amazed that people think they have the right to dictate other peoples weddings it’s quite amazing. Ditch the sis.
NTA – Your half sister is continuing to show that she has no respect for your feelings or boundaries. At this point, I wouldn’t even trust that she wouldn’t bring her mom in place of her bf anyway.
It’s time to stop talking about it and let her know that her invite is rescinded and that for your own peace of mind you will need to step away from your relationship with her. She is showing you that only her perspective matters and that she will ALWAYS push her and her mother’s agenda no matter how negatively it impacts you. Both her and her mom are selfish and entitled. This is YOUR wedding.
Protect your peace, go LC, and focus on your wedding and the future you have with your soon to be husband and the family you are creating with him. If your half sister wants a place in your life, she needs to back down or find herself without you in her life.
what does your half-sister mean you don’t have a valid reason for excluding her mother? you have a perfectly valid reason: you don’t want her there. that is all the valid reason you need.
Q: how much of this being driven by her mother? because that’s what it sounds like to me.
Q: would your step-sister use her plus-one to bring her mother to your wedding?
either way, sounds like it’s time for your half-sister to join her mom on the exclusion list.
NTA
Honestly, I would just go ahead and uninvited her. She’s a pita
Nta. Shes putting this wedding about her mom and not you. Time to disinvite her.
NTA. Un-invite her now. Have someone stationed @ the wedding to keep her and the mother out. And frankly, why not just go no contact with her completely?
NTA……………..your wedding = your choices. stepsis is waaay out of line harrassing you on this
make sure security staff know of this “problem”
NTA. I will say that it is sad you didn’t have more of a relationship with your dad’s wife – but it’s definitely not on you. You were a child and she could have done more to foster that relationship.
Everyone is grown up now and – yes – it’s your wedding and your life so you get to choose!
The sister doesn’t have any boundaries (maybe because of her mother) but that’s not yours to fix.
It sounds like you DO have good boundaries and speak up for yourself. Keep it up!
AND Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!
NTA. It’s unfortunate your dad’s new partner was not a better parent to you but it is what it is. You have all the right in the world to not invite your former step mom. And your sister is skating on thin ice. If she can’t respect your boundaries then go ahead and rescind her invitation. I’m curious why she won’t drop this but it’s not your problem to solve. She just needs to accept your decision.
NTA. As you stated, it’s your wedding, so your sister’s opinion on your decisions is completely irrelevant. I would tell her this discussion is over and if she mentions it again, she can enjoy your wedding day with her mom, from the comforts of their home.
wow. Too much scrambled thinking. Just tell her ‘I am not comfortable asking her to walk me down the aisle so I won’t be doing that’. PERIOD If she persists, you say ‘it’s simply not a consideration and it’s not open for further discussion.’ Leave the invitation open and leave it up to sis if she attends or not.
nta if your sister doesn’t back off, rescinding her invitation is the way to go. And possibly hiring security.
NTA but is this really your half sister talking or is it the step witch? Think about what she did to you, how it was all about her, her feelings etc. Now you’re getting married she wants to cause drama to make it all about her. Tell sis since she is trying to sabotage your wedding she is no longer invited. I would have people (not in the wedding party) serve as security if these two show up. It sounds like they plan on making a scene.
NTA and I would reinforce your boundary with her very clearly, and then enforce the boundary.
Tell her (whatever is true here): I love you, I want you at my wedding. I do not want your mom at the wedding and definitely don’t want her walking down the aisle. I don’t want to get into the whole issue of why and hash that out over my wedding, and I do not want to speak again about her coming. Do not bring it up again, at all. If you do, I am going to assume you want your mom at my wedding more than you want a relationship with me, and I will have to create some distance. Do you understand?
And then, next time she brings it up, literally shut down the conversation, tell her you were very clear with her, and that she is no longer invited to the wedding. That isn’t a conversation either, that is you being calm and clear and firm, and then sticking to it.
If she brings it up in a way where you want to be more forgiving (reality is enforcing a boundary is hard), you could shut down the conversation and tell her that was her only chance, and then again literally stop speaking about it and exit the conversation. If she can apologize and not do it again, that works too- but again depends on how she raises it.
And then, get security at your wedding, have a few family/friends know what is going on so they can be the buffer between either event staff and your sister/her mom or security and them, and make sure your venue has worked with you on a plan if they show up- like do you want to know or just have them handle it. If you are having a more informal venue, enlist some friends to be the security, or maybe ask them if they want to bring a friend/plus one who could be the “muscle” and handle the problem in exchange for a free meal.
NTA. Please don’t invite your 1/2 sister, or she’ll create drama on your happy day. Enlist other family members to keep an eye out for them at both the wedding and reception so they can be kept away.
This should be the happiest time of your life. Don’t allow either of them to ruin it for you and your fiance.
Best wishes for happiness
NTA of course! I would be done. She would be blocked on everything with no further contact between us. You tried to be nice about it, but she is choosing to continue badgering you. If you allow her to come to your wedding you know she’ll be at you all day about her mom not being there. You don’t need that bs on your day. If you do exclude them make sure you have security there because your half sister sounds like the type who would show up anyway and make a scene. You don’t say much about the mother here, could you reach out to her and ask her to tell her daughter to back off? This is your wedding, I would die on this hill!
NTA. Honestly, she sounds exhausting. She doesn’t love you, she just loves the idea of you being a full sister. She doesn’t see YOU for you, and doesn’t respect your life decisions.
Nope! You’re not!
Your half sister must be related to her mother. They both aound like a pain you could live without
They sound like real Cs. Rescind the invite.
NTA – OP, I am so terribly sorry that you got such a shitty spawn point and had to go through all of the loss that you have had to go through. At least you were able to go live with your grandparents so you didn’t have to endure the entire “evil step mother” experience.
You are doing the right thing, if your half sister cannot get it through her head that her mother is not now, nor will she ever, be a part of your wedding, then rescind her invitation. I would let her know what if she acts right she can get the invite back, but only if she acknowledges that she is not to put pressure on you to involve her mother.
Congrats on getting engaged and I hope you have a wonderful life with your partner.
Sisters will fight but the fight does not mean you are no longer sisters.
Hold your ground and tell your sister that you want to hold on to her too but she needs to drop the discussion of her mother’s role in your life. & While you love her, she may be creating a situation where you need to love her from a distance.
NTA. This argument has gone on too long. It’s waaaay past second and third chances.
the half sisters mom is the AH and you aren’t 100% but having said that I wouldn’t have said to my sister I would uninvited her. It could ruin your relationship in my opinion and it would make your sister feel as if you don’t truly value her.(especially at a big moment in your life) Now if you don’t care about a long turn relationship or maybe you’re just not super close to her I understand. I’m not saying you did anything wrong but just thought it was worth pointing out.
Just uninvite her. Otherwise she is going to stir shit at your wedding
Sounds like stepmom is using half sis as a flying monkey- don’t invite any of them and enjoy your day. Focus on your parents and how much they love you and how proud they are to see this moment even if they can’t be there with you, and don’t let those women into your space.
It’s your day, focus on your family and your marriage, and let them fall to the past where they belong
NTA
Tell your half sister that her mother was part of your life as a step-mom for 3 years. You do not have good memories of those years or of the prior 2 when she was your dad’s girlfriend. You have a relationship with her in spite of her mother. And the only result of her pushing you to have a relationship with her mother will be to push her out of your life as well. After that if it is mentioned again, revoke her invitation.
I’d have uninvited her as soon as she called me a bitch!
It’s not her wedding, she doesn’t get to dictate your guest list. She’s trying to make your wedding about her and her mother!
If she can’t be respectful of your choices then maybe it’s time to go low or no contact.
NTA
Have security because they will make a scene from your description of their current fuckery.
NTA OP, I think your sis is being an insufferable twat about this. Like, she really expects you to invite her toxic mom just because… why? It’s not like you two were super close or anything. You’ve got every right to pick who walks you down the aisle, it’s YOUR special day after all! If she keeps whining, maybe just tell her you’ll let your dog be the ring bearer instead, that should shut her up fast.
NTA
Updateme!
all of my siblings are technically my half-siblings, but i do not refer to a single one of them as my “half sister”. Reading that from the beginning of the post tells me a lot about how you view this person.
I am so sorry for the loss you experienced at such a young age. I hope your grandparents were wonderful parents. You owe your half-sister and ex step-mom nothing.
NTA. Tell half sis to stop her nonsense or she can sit this wedding out. You have other plans and doesn’t involve her mother. It’s not her wedding and she has no say so she needs to shut her mouth. You are not being a cold hearted B. She is being an entitled brat. Her mother is not your only family. You have grandparents, aunts and uncles. Tell her your grandfather or uncle is going to walk you down the aisle and that is the end of it.
NTA.
But I think you are already forced to not/un invite her. She will cause problems. I would have security and structure them to keep an eye out for her.
She already showed that she doesn’t see a discussion here. In here mind she is right, you are wrong, and the only way forward is to force you to understand that.
YTA. You need to invite your new biological mother so she can allow you to be walked down the aisle by her along with some kind of decision making power. then i think she might forgive you. but she deserves to feel important at your wedding.
NTA – she needs to stay in her lane and leave this alone, period!
Maybe I missed something but I would have invited the your sister and her mom. She would not have a role in my wedding but unless it was an extremely small and intimate event, she would have been a guest. Why? She’s a member of your extended family as your sister’s mom. Also, other than make you late for things-what did she do to you? Was she unkind? Abusive? You say the opposite in fact, that she tried to have a role in your life, but you just shut it down. Did you resent her because your mother was gone? I get that wholeheartedly, I don’t really like my fathers second wife, and I refer to her as Dad’s second wife; she would not have a role in my wedding but unless she actually hurt me in some way, she’s extended family. If your grandfather is still alive, he’s the logical person to give you away, and if he isn’t your grandmother is the next (in that order only because traditionally it’s the fathers role). Very presumptuous for your dad’s second wife to think that should be her place and you’re not even close. But I could invite her to be a guest. Again, you didn’t say she did anything to you so just giving my take on an extended family member being a guest.
NTA. Definitely hire security. Do not invite half-sister! She will ruin your wedding day!
NTA. You‘ve been patient with her bringing it up for long enough, which was fair seeing as she’s ten years younger so was a literal child when all this started after your dad’s death. But she’s an adult now and this is your wedding, not hers. She doesn’t get a say in your guest list, let alone in who’s in your wedding party. If she wants her mom to walk someone down the aisle, she can get married herself.
NTA – I would reconsider her invite even if she calms down, she already said she would have brought her mom if her BFs name wasnt on the invite, I don’t see that stopping her since she’s harping on this.
Her mother is not your mother, you’ve made that clear. She can either accept it and chill or stay home, and at this point, you should make her stay home.
NTA
Your sister is 21ish and still acting this way. Wow. Time for her to grow up
She called you a coldhearted bitch. Uninvite her. She’s a flying monkey for her mother, and no friend of yours.
NTA, She’s crossing a boundary & she needs to be yanked back & if uninviting her snaps her head back then do it. She’s gonna have to learn somehow. I’m sure her mom is still bitching & that’s where this is coming from.
“You think I’m a cold-hearted bitch? Really? Ok, I can live with that. I’m really ok with you, or her, not having anything to do with me.”
NTA
She was in your life since you were 8 & she helped raise you with your Dad and had your half sister. You were a big part of her life before your Dad passed away. She may not have been perfect but it doesn’t sound like she was cruel. I’d imagine she really loves you and feels hurt by your rejection over the years.
I know she was not your real mom and she could never replace her but she stepped up for you and I bet she made plenty many sacrifices to ensure you were cared for.
She was someone your Dad loved and respected. I don’t think you need to have her walk you down the aisle but not even inviting her to your wedding is a slap in the face.
You are NTA but maybe try and see it from her point of view and obviously she has shared with your half sister how she feels.
Not sure how to feel in regards to your AH-status, as your reasons for the dislike of your step-mother are unclear.
All she seems to have done was: make you late when she tried to help, and wanted to be closer to you as you were growing up, and take you in when you became an orphan. It also doesn’t seem like she is the one pushing to come to your wedding, nor wanting to walk you you down the aisle. In fact she seems to be giving you your space.
So is she really the evil step mother? because flipping this story as it stands at the moment, you could very well come across as the “evil” step-daughter, simply hating this woman because she dared to come into you and your dad’s lives.
Sure it is your wedding and you are entitled to invite who you want and do what you want, and assign wedding roles to whoever you what. But that doesn’t mean every decision you make will be fair, or even justified.
You have just not provided enough information to justify your hate for this woman.
NTA, Unless you’re sister or your stepmom is paying for the wedding they have zero say in who is in the wedding or walks you down the aisle. If you’re grandparents are still around you could have them walk you down the aisle. But the truth is this is your wedding so you get to pick and choose who comes to the wedding and who if anyone walks you down the aisle.
“I don’t like your mother and just having her present at my wedding would ruin my day”.
I am not saying you are the asshole, but a little perspective, you are almost 30, and in a high school argument with a 19 year old.
Have you considered just ignoring her? Like I get this is all frustrating, but reading this makes me genuinely wonder if an adult is involved in this scenario.
Uninviting her seems extreme when again, you could just remember she is a kid whose brain has not yet fully developed for complex reasoning, unlike you, a grown woman, and just ignore her or give what she is saying it’s due weight of zero. 🤷♂️
NTA and I’d revoke your half sister’s invite as well.
It’s YOUR wedding, it’s You and your fiancé’s decision who attends and what roles are filled by whom.
Bride’s “Valid Reason” for saying No? Bride doesn’t want it – that’s perfectly valid.
NTA
NTA uninvite her she doesn’t respect your boundaries. She knows you don’t see her mom as a parent and she still pushing the issue. She will cause nothing but drama on your special day.
What? Is she crazy? You don’t have a valid reason to say no? No alone is a valid reason. You make sure you have someone there who has a picture of her. I think she is going to invite her anyway and you have them escort her right out .
You obviously wanted your half sister there or you wouldn’t have invited her. If you still do, calmly sit her down and tell her that, but you don’t have the same feelings about her mother that she does, and that’s okay. But you want your wedding (congratulations!!) to be happy and loving. If she can’t support you, you won’t be able to include her. It’s then her choice of whether to get happy with it or not.
If you don’t want her there anymore, if she’s just brought too much bad blood (pun?), uninvite her, kiss your fiancé, and live a happy life. NTA. Good luck to you!
She’s bound to create drama while she’s at your wedding, I would just make sure she’s aware she is not invited at all.
NTA.
It’s your wedding, your boundaries, your decisions. You’ve been more than patient and respectful by maintaining a relationship with your half sister while staying clear of her mother, who you’ve never had a close bond with. That’s completely valid, especially given your history
NTA
Just uninvite her, i csn see her trying to bring her mom in. Have security
To your sister: “huh. I thought your generatiom was all about emotional intelligence and not gaslighting people. But here you are telling me how I should feel and react to my own trauma.” She has no idea what it has been like to be you, make her see that she is insisting you be someone you are not.
NTA. Why continue this relationship? What do you get out of it?
NOPE.
Your day, your rules.
Her thoughts, opinions, feelings are not your priority here. You’re not obligated to pacify any of these people.
I wouldn’t trust either of these people not to crash your wedding or at least start bitching to anyone that it’s awful of you to exclude her mom. Rescind the invite and hire security if she makes no effort to accept reality.
Just tell her you’ve agreed to disagree and the topic is closed.
You are walking down the aisle with both your mom and dad (in lockets around your bouquet) and or…
And that you have given security a photo of her mother and will have her removed from the venue if she shows up and if she does she will be escorted out with her mom and that’s the end of the subject you do not want to hear anything more about it as you have made your decision
NTA – This is called setting boundaries. I think it is time to cancel her invitation. Make sure you have someone at the wedding who is assigned to make her leave when she shows up anyway.
NTA. Wtf is wrong with her?